Friday, December 29, 2006

Goals for 2007

1.) Don't kill myself

2.) Don't kill anybody else

3.) Quit being a lard ass and get to the gym

4.) Quit smoking

5.) Get out from under this financial nightmare that is my life

Not going to be an easy year but I hope for the sake of everybody who walks past a clock tower this year that I can do it.

Here is too a fresh start in 2007...Happy New Year


Tonight Stop by Tailgate on 60th and Nicollett for Cocktails @ 10pm (Two for Ones)

Tonight Stop by Tailgate on 60th and Nicollett for Cocktails @ 10pm (Two for Ones)

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Maybe there is hope....

The first appearance of wine and drunkenness appears in the bible in Genesis. Ironically this guy who likes to get drunk and pass out naked was the only person on earth god was willing to spare as the rest of the sober people were apparently hedonists... So don't take any chances this year drink and pass out naked with the ones you love:)

Noah Gets Drunk, Ham Sees His Father: Genesis 9:20-23
20 And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: 21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.

22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. 23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Surviving your holiday DUI

A few helpful hints for all of us.....

Before you are asked to do a field soberity test they will ask you a few questions.

1.) Do you have any knee problems? - Your answer is always yes...You have shreaded your ACL's and it is hard for you to put a weight on them...this will make your balance tests easier.

2.) Have you taken anything else tonight? YES You are trying to quit smoking and have been chewing nicorette like crazy. Substitution gum can interfer with the results on the breathalyzer so this can give you wiggle in court on a borderline result

If you are going to get one

Don't be a dick head. Be nice. Be polite. If you can cry it might help. Remember if life was fair you would probably have had a 100 of them.

Get a lawyer, Apply for a temp licence right away, make sure you understand the reason they pulled you over and ask for a copy of the police video to be sent to your house....(Do this when you are leaving jail and have sobered up..Don't do it when you are in the back of the cop car they will put you in the worst cell with the other smart asses) If you have an opertunity to get off it is most likely in the reason they pulled you over.

But the best advise I can give you is too just take a can park overnight downtown for $ is a lot cheaper!!!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Couple Random Investigations....

1.)Why are all watches in advertisements set to 10:10? (After contacting Timex website I learned that it is because often the manufactures name is below the 12 and this allows it to be seen unobstructed. The second reason sited was that this way the hands look to be smiling and it is more visually appealing)

2.)Why are soft pack cigarettes longer then their hard pack counterparts? I noticed this when SA ran out of hard pack and I had to buy soft pack. I tried to put the soft pack cigarettes into the hard pack and they were a tighter fit. (After contacting parliament to ask about this, I was assured that there was the same amount of tobacco in each cigarette, but that the packaging difference causes the tobacco in the hard pack to be condensed making them a little shorter. To be certain of this I bought both kinds and cut one of each cigarette open and weighed them and it was correct the tobacco in each weighed the same even though the soft pack cigarette was a little longer)

Carry on....

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Children. Apparently during the rapture are all sent up to heaven to be with god, apparently because of their innocence. This poses several problems for me.

1.) It violates the fundamental tenement of Christianity stating that only those people who believe and accept Jesus are going to be saved. Children obviously don't have the capacity to make such a does the inability to have the capacity to make a decision to accept Christ negate damnation? What equals this incapacity? Does never hearing of Jesus equal the incapacity of making that decision? Does being human? Is admitting our incapacity enough? Is agnosticism really the pathway to heaven?

2.) Children are really not that nice (Read innocent). As soon as they know a dirty word i.e poop they do not seem to hesitate to call another child a "poopie head" even though they know it is wrong. Children are mean....ever remember being teased as a child? I have blocked most of it but I remember enough to know that children are not that innocent. They break stuff on purpose, throw mud pies, tease people who are different then them, they are selfish and whiny little shits....far from the idealization we hold of them.

So I hope that I am right and there is no god because I think hell might be filled with little kids.

If not the alternative is scary. An old man with a beard who makes adults jump through hoops to get into his house and even then only admits a few, but lets everybody's kids in no matter what.....We keep an eye on people like that in my neighborhood....

Monday, December 18, 2006

Pursuit of Happyness

Went and saw this movie this weekend and well didn't really like it. I have a hard time offering kudos and feeling inspired by something that I think everybody would do. Do you want a cookie for facing adversity and getting off the street with your child? Granted he took it further then most people in life by starting his own brokerage firm etc. but then he had more natrual ability then most. (Most people can't sit down and solve a rubic's cube the first time that they pick it up.) So I tried to gleam something from it that would vindicate spending $9 to see this and this is what I learned....Don't spend your life savings starting a business selling bone density machines. This movie was nothing more then a lame attempt at feel good targeted now into the market because of the slowing market. If you are looking for a few hours of entertainment I would recommend buying a dime bag of weed or bottle of smirnoff instead of seeing this movie. If you are looking for motivation watch Rudy.. If you are looking to change your station in life and can't solve a rubics cube I would look into going back to school.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Simple Pleasures #4561, 4562, 4563 & 4564

Being outside on December 14th in Minnesota without needing a coat:)

Cherry coke in the morning, the bubbles, the taste, a little piece of all that is good in a glass.

The oderless clarity of good vodka that has been in your freezer for a few days, so cold you don't need a mixer. On the rocks in a lowball garinshed with a mini pickle and enjoyed after a hard days work.

A random phone call out of the blue from a good friend who was just thinking about you. (Could also substitute random email or text)

Plus a couple of quotes from Emily Bronte

"Sleep Not, Dream Not; this bright day
Will not, cannont last for aye;
Bliss like thine is broght by years;
Dark with torment and with tears."

"I've dreampt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after,
and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me,
Like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


Guess it is that time year...Anyone watching the news? Sad state when so many people are losing their lives over something, that in the grand view of the world, is as silly as going to war because one group of people who believe in the toothfairy thinks that money should be left under the pillow and another group of people think that the toothfairy should leave the money on the night stand......missing the point that there is no toothfairy....

"We would be 1,500 years ahead if it hadn't been for the church dragging science back by its coattails and burning our best minds at the stake." - Catherine Fahringer

"If we are going to teach 'creation science' as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction." - Judith Hayes

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish." - Author Unknown

"I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other gods you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful." - Seneca the Younger

"There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages." - Richard Lederer

"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."

"Why be born again, when you can just grow up?"

Monday, December 11, 2006

Say it would have worked.....

Say we captured Osama. Say we ended the war on terror and Iraq was free say it worked...Would it be worth it? All the civil liberties that we gave up? All the money we spent? Civilians killed? Americas Reputation in the world?

I wonder if it would have worked...would we be ok with living in a society that is only free on the surface....just an illusion of democracy...

Are we still dreaming are we still ok with it even though it is not working?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Simple Pleasure #2587

Quality Toilet Paper

I have been saving money lately by buying cheap toilet paper, you know the paper thin kind that you have to use a whole roll to do a good job with. Not the hard stuff like at work but still rather unpleasant. Today I scored some good rolls and it was a great feeling to have all of that cushion available for my use. When I stuck my dismount it felt like a perfect ten.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

A noise reasonable people make...

Just read Sam Harris's Letter to a Christian Nation today and I wish there was a way I could get this book into everyone in America's hands. Check it out at only a hundred pages it is a really quick read and it could save the world.

"Atheism is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify themself as a non-astrologer or a non-alchemist. We do not have words for people who doubt Elvis is still alive or that aliens have transversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs."