Friday, November 30, 2007

Miracle of Conception?

There is a big ugly homage to pro-life that has been erected in the form of a billboard that I must pass now on my way to work. It reads, "Don't destroy the Miracle of Conception". (It is advocating a ban on stem cell research)

I hate this term for those of you not paying attention let me help you...Any two healthy reproductive aged animals who copulate enough times will produce offspring. It is not a miracle...it is Biology 101.

I know it sounds crass but you are an organic compound created by combining amino acids.

Do we really still believe that the hand of God was helping stroking my dog as I pumping my load into you and then to top it off he crawled up your vagina and gave this new seed his kiss of life? I am a kinky guy but come on...

This is not magical it is not mystical it is hormones and statistics...

Thursday, November 29, 2007

30 Seconds Impressions

It is amazing what you can tell about someone in 30 seconds or less

How are they dressed? Where they shop? What image they are trying to project?

How is there body? In shape? Not? What is emphasized? What is hidden?

Hair cut? Lotion? Scent?

How are their nails? Bitten? Cut? Manicured?

Posture? Good? Bad? Body Language? Facial expressions?

Tone and pitch? Word choice? Hand shake? The space between you?

The infamous first impression waiting to betray us....our fears, desires, anxiety all packaged for the world to see..wrapped in a bow we hope the owners will be gentle in opening.

Or a bow we make so outrageous so hideous no one wishes to untie us...

What does your impression betray about you?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Nice to Meet You?

I hate saying this when I first meet someone. "It is nice to meet you." It's so presumptuous. Really I am not sure if it is "nice" to meet you or if I am "glad" to meet you. You could turn out to be a pile of shit like a thousand people I have already met...in fact chances are you will. So lets just see how this night goes and I will get back to you on that.

Chances are you are really wanting to say....

"I am annoyed to meet you and despise having to get your approval."

"I am happy to get the chance to kiss your ass for some left over scraps before I try to topple you."

"I am hesitant to meet you and have you laugh at my penis size."

"I am glad I am getting the chance to talk with you and hopefully sleep with you."

"I want to know\suck-up to you so you can maybe get me a job or do favor for me in the future."


"Its nice to meet you." also rings with ulterior motive why is it nice to meet me? What do you want? You been waiting for this for a while? What have you heard? (Sometimes I do that exact rant to people and it freaks them out and it is pretty funny..lol)

I wounder how many friends we would really have if every bodies motives were known...

It is nice to meet you? I don't think so..

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Random X5 = Y-3

Live from Muffy...

Five Awesomely Random Things About Me

1.) I make the best beer cheese soup in the world and yet I am lactose intolerant and don't eat it.

2.) I have had two plastic surgeries on my nose after baseball bat decided that it wanted to pummel my face and even after two drilling explorations I still cant breathe through my right nostril and I snore like a chainsaw.

3.) One of the greatest gifts I ever received was a set of cocktails bought for me by a bar tender who knew I had no way to pay for them. It was this moment of kindness when I was at my lowest point of my life that I will remember forever. There was no shame in his gift only understanding and I wept on the way home from the bar.

4.) My iGoogle background theme is set to beach. I am a big fan of iGoogle it organizes all of the blogs I read through the viewer, my gmail and a ton of other stuff all into a single dashboard view it is amazing.

5.) I actually like the cold the windshield here was -11 this morning and it was glorious. It makes you appreciate warmth kind of like hunger and poverty make you appreciate simple things that you take for granted.

On The Road #23423

I see it speeding up in my rear view mirror a big red dodge Durango.
Weaving in and out of traffic. Making no friends as he climbs his car four lengths ahead of the rest of the flow on this latter to no where. I can see his animated anger as I sit behind him and watch him try to will with his violence an opening in the rush hour collapse. His patriot plates, fox sticker and Jesus fish flashing all the wrong messages. It would be sad if it wasn't so cliché. He runs a red light that gives him room to open up and he is no doubt happy about his good fortune. This is about the time I wish I had purchased the optional rocket launcher for my car. My contempt visible in a flash of explosives. But then I realized I was a little jealous of his will, his drive, my own admit of defeat. I can't believe this asshole made me feel despair because I wanted to be more like him....

Monday, November 26, 2007

Just in Time For The Holidays

Since we are about 30 days out to the holidays here is a nice tip to stretch your liquor budget and add some holiday cheer or to get your self drunk and leave a bottle left as a gift for someone else.


Home Made Kahlua

What you need...

2 ounces instant coffee crystals
4 cups hot water
4 cups granulated sugar
750 ml vodka (just the cheap stuff)
1 vanilla bean (Can use a teaspoon of extract but the beans taste better)
2 Empty wine bottles and 2 vacuum tops or those bottle stoppers you get at the grocery store.

How to do it?

1.) Dissolve the coffee crystals in one cup of the water.

2.)Bring the remaining water to a boil and dissolve the sugar in it.

3.)Add the coffee to the sugar solution and heat almost to a boil.

4.) Remove from heat and let cool for five minutes. (If you are using extract instead of vanilla beans pour the extract in now and stir)(Note do not put the vodka in while the mixture is boiling or your booze will evaporate)

5.) Add the alcohol and decant into dark containers (this makes 7-8 cups; a fifth (750 mL) is just over 3 cups, so about 2 1/2 750 mL bottles- or just double it, make 5 bottles, and give some gift bottles).

6.)Break the bean into several pieces and divide between the bottles.

7.)Seal the bottles tightly and let them stand for 20-30 days preferably in a cool dark place before serving.

They have cute little wine bottle labels for cheap at Archive rs if you want to dress the bottle up for a gift.

Open serve on the rocks for a nice treat.

Scratch

Starting over from scratch is not as bad as it seems. It is a chance to go in new directions with lessons learns.

It has been a long time since I have sat at the key board feeling its familar keys depress below my fingers. Like driving a car when you haven't even been in a car for a month. I miss it and I miss you guys. I will try to get around to all of you blogs today but since my inbox is super full it might take a bit.

Hope everyone had a great holiday and you were all with me even if Verison reception was not.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

I am taking off for a few days....so I want to wish all of you a great weekend:)

I am thankful for so many wonderful friendships and people I have met here:)

Tease

Beer is like a lap dance just enough to turn you on but not enough to finish you off.

Dream Land

It was one of those nights where you dream you are caught in a spider web and this massive spider is coming to eat you and you wake up on the floor wrapped so tight in your blankets that you can barley move... screaming.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Unsettling

I can think of few things more unsettling then seeing a pubic hair on the toilet seat knowing that you have to sit down on it.

We all have them...

We all know there has been countless dropped on every seat..

But it is someone elses..

And for some reason requires me to shower afterward

Peace be With You

I went down to the Corner Bar on Saturday to watch the Gopher\Badger game with a group of friends who were in town. Wanting to be responsible I pulled into the cheap lots and asked the attendant if it was ok to leave my car overnight. He said yes and directed me to a "special" spot where I would not be towed.

I pulled in next two a building and without a further thought abandoned my car and went to meet my friends.

Returning Sunday morning I found my car blocked in on all sides...4 cars surrounding myself....4 cars...the only cars in the whole lot...were circling my car...

fuck...fuck...fuck..

I went into the only building the only building to which the cars could have belonged and it was a mission outreach building and there were a few people getting ready for Sunday service. I inquired if they knew who's cars were in the lot and if I could have one of them move one so I could get out.

It got real quiet...

The director appeared and stated simply, "I wanted to get a look at the son of bitch who thought he could park in my spot."

I would have thought it was a joke if another one of the other missionary's didn't have to step in between us and start telling him to cool down as he launched into a verbal triad of which the likes I have never seen before.

I am glad cooler heads prevailed and some of the men did move their cars and let me out..

As I was pulling out he was banging on a sign that Said Mission Director Parking. It was quite a sight, "I simply rolled down my window and said "Peace Be With You" As I pulled away. I could actually see him jumping up and down in my rear view mirror in anger...

Friday, November 16, 2007

Hate Crimes

Aren't all crimes hate crimes? Whether committed because you hate other people. Hate your living situation. Hate being poor. Hate being weak. Hate having to go without. Hate being bored.

Tagged - Seven Random Things About Me

Got this from Life of a Valley Girl..

1.) I read post secret every week and this week one was about liking the smell of your pee after you drink coffee...so I drank a bunch of coffee and waited to pee to see what it smelled like

2.) I liked it

3.) I hate the Hills, the Real Housewives of Orange County or any other show where I am forced to watch and admire regular people because they are rich and have big boobs...they make me want to vomit

4.)I have two cats Alfie and Stoli

5.) Tonight I am doing a blind tasting for Vodkas and I am kind of nervous about it.

6.)I read a book a week, I just finished a class on Organizational Behavior last night. I don't like to celebrate holidays, I don't like going to the Mall and I am good at paper scissors rock...we will let that roll into one since some of you know somethings and others know others.

7.) I am making a pan of tator tot hotdish for dinner tonight:)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Magic Little Boat

Question of the Day

You have been given a magical boat that will survive the apoloclpse.

The catch is this boat can only hold 6 pairs of creatures and two shoeboxes.

Everything on the earth will be destroyed when you emerge from this boat. Only what was in the boat will be left to restart the earth which has been reduced to rock, dirt and water.

There are no animals, no trees, crops or grass not even bugs survived.

Only the six pairs of creatues on the boat and the two shoe boxes and there contents are left.

What are the six creatues you place on the boat?

What did you put in the shoe boxes?

Assume the boat is made of food and you can eat and live off the boat for one year.

Assuming you could bring the world back to new life what would you do different?

I will post my answer this afternoon

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

BNN Special Report

Weather:
The wind is aggressive in its pursuit today
Like a hungry pickpocket trying to take your warmth


Local News:
Jimmy Johns was busier then usual at lunch today and much to my embarrassment a number 5 with "pep" has risen in price from $5.03 to $5.08. I was spared the humility of trying to slide on the nickel I was off by a rather pleasant lady in a grey jacket who smelled reminiscent of mothballs and whisky but I was in no position to judge and she had a pleasant smile and a gentle hands.

In Other Local News:
I didn't utter a single word from 1:21 to 3:56 today.

Tonight's Winning Lottery Numbers:
Where not on my fucking ticket

Traffic:
A green late model Ford was honked at by a tan mini-van on the corner of 66th and Lyndale after failing to begin moving as soon as the light turned green. The women in the white mini-van had several bouncing children in the back that I am thankful I couldn't hear. My source speculates that this driver may need a drink later in the evening.

Science:
If you ever watch a tree change colors in the fall you will notice that the leaf starts to die at its extremities. Changing colors till it reaches its stem and its cycle of life complete it falls to the ground. Just like you and your erectile dysfunction, shacking cold hands and feet. The tip of your nose that has seen too many winters and winds. Trees in the rainforest last longer, they are waxy and monstrous. I wonder if science helps us live longer if we will become waxy too collagen lumps of fat and tissue spare parts in our freezers waiting for a kidney to fail. I wonder what we will look like. I wonder how the value of life would change if we all lived to be 300. Would we value the world more, be more enviromental if we knew we would live to see the outcome?

Opt Ed:
In reflection of my pending 30th birthday and the realization that this ride is half way over I sat on a bench next to an old woman waiting for a bus. I asked her if life was like a basketball game where the fourth quarter was the most exciting or if the best part of the game was truly over. She said, "Get away from me." I decided to to just that since I noticed she has a stick of mace and looked like she knew how to use it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

My Style

My style is....

eclectic - used - worn - comfortable - preppy - clean

I like to look like an impoverished college educated failed writer who has lots of nice watches and shoes hinting that he might have had some money some time in the recent past but by the looks of him he is just over the hump where he can barley pull it off any more...

I like to dress this up a bit with an expanding beer belly and a slight fragrance of stale smoke.

Tagged...Well Sort of....

Since Mags left this a free for all and I was bored I decided to go for it....

4 Dishes I Like to Cook:
1. Chili
2. Gumbo
3. Tator-tot Hot dish
4. Mile High Nachos

4 Qualities I Love in People:
1. Sense of Humor
2. Intelligence
3. Playfulness
4. Creativity

4 Places I Have Been:
1. Mexico
2. England
3. Spain
4. Iceland

4 Things In My Room:
1. Lavender Linen Spray
2. Tons of Pillows
3. Paddle and Whip
4. White Lamp

4 Dirty Words I Like:
1. Fuck
2. Sweet baby Jesus in your golden manger thanks for this vodka redbull
3. Cunty
4. Failed whore bitch

I will also leave this as a free for all open to who ever wants to get tagged...

Monday, November 12, 2007

Golden Ticket

Life is like a big lottery ticket with just enough winners to entice you to keep playing but never enough that you are actually going to get ahead.

Friday, November 09, 2007

This Blogs Reading Level

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I would have thought a post about eating poop would take me down in the rankings but I was wrong..lol

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Seconds

You reach into the bowl past the reminites of last nights salad floating and still recognizable like decayed green sails in still water.
You grab a hold if it with your bare hands.
It is firmer then you thought and cool in a way that puzzles you a little bit.
You would think that something that was just in your body would be warmer but that water was real cold.
You clench it in your fist and it turns to mush in your hand right before you throw your sink at the rest room mirror.
A self portrait.
Picture by numbers using just one color.
You must have had corn last night you think as little yellow pellets slide down and out of the lump on the mirror.
I wonder if it still tastes like corn you think as you disappear into the kitchen and return with a plate.
Laughing and crying as you scrape the lumps into a pile destined for the microwave.
Your transformation into a beast waiting on the timer to run its course.
Burning shit has a way of working its way into your walls into the molecules of the paint.
No scrubbing of it will ever persuade anyone that anything but an animal ever lived here.
A smell that will go on long after anything else I will have ever created.
Long after I have forgotten this taste in my mouth.
I will remember I would rather have these seconds, then ever be together again with you.

** found this one in a drawer when I was cleaning yesterday and it made me chuckle..lol It also made me wonder if anyone has ever done a seventh generation hot carl..lol

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Objects in Contexts

For example I love water. Water is good. It is refreshing. It is life. In and of itself water is perfect.

However the context of which you are given the water will dictate how you feel about the water and the person giving you a glass.

Picture the following scenarios and imaging how you would feel about the water.

You are in the desert and dying of thirst.
You have just run a long race.
You are dirty and haven't had a bath in a month and you get handed a 16oz glass of water.
It has been raining for 40 days and you are soaked, your roof is leaking and it isn't going to be stopping anytime soon.
You are drownding in the middle of a lake.

Same object different contexts. Without the object in context you can not judge the reaction.

Minute Pause

I turn into traffic, my ass still warm from an all too familiar bar stool.
I enter the flow of cars like a needle in a collapsing vain.
I am a dirty needle in a haystack waiting to be stepped on.
My BAC diluted in the crowd of suits and cells phone of people returning home from work.
Their chatter echoing off the windows of their new cars on the way home to where ever people go who are not from here.
Grasses is always greener on the other side of the interstate.
Looking over what could have been, crying at a red light.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

For Some Reason I Already Knew That

Todays Clicks....

Does anyone else see the humor and irony that a suburban mall broke the record for the most zombies?

Largest gathering of zombies
The largest gathering of zombies involved 894 participants at Monroeville Mall, Monroeville, Pennsylvania, United States on 29 October 2006.


Since technically Zombies don't exist really they just broke the record for the most people with painted faces grunting in a single area at one time...apparently they have never been to the Bunny Ranch.

Prohibition Returns
Teetotaling do-gooders attack your right to drink, by David Harsanyi

Men and Women
Why men and women argue differently

Finally things that are beyond frustrating....Part 6

1.) Having cigarettes but no lighter.

2.) Your cash card wearing out and having to wait five days for a replacement

3.) Seeing a really good deal on something you have wanted forever and you still can't afford it.

Water Boading

How can this not be considered torture?

Read the Lines then Read Between Them

A book is like a marathon for the mind. It feels good to start and finish reading a book especially a great book. Every time you finish it gives you that little sense of self efficiency. The confidence that you can finish what you start unfortunately this is usually a negative total for be for I should be doing much more important things then consuming my life within a literary wonderland but I digress.

This simple skill is probably the most under used...the muscle that deteriorates when not worked out is your brain...

I miss the POS Book club...Rocket why did you have to move?

Monday, November 05, 2007

Cocktail for the Ill

Cocktail for the Ill.

The Stinger

2oz Brandy
1oz creme de menthe

Shaker with ice into a chilled cocktail glass or shaken over shaved ice in a lowball.

It is the best over the counter medicine you can get

The Worlds a Stage

If all the world is a stage I have definitely been cast in a drama and not even a good one at that.

Things I learned this weekend...

1.) If you think you know how hard life is and what is in your meat....read The Jungle and think again.

2.) Lights Out with Lucky is good. Thanks for the great show and plug :)

3.) You never realize your routine until you have to divert from it because the city shuts down the freeway entrances and exits to your house but then it gives you a chance to see something you would have missed.

4.) I don't like Tom Brady I wish Manning would have whooped him down yesterday.

5.) It is had to get a good job when you have shitty credit :(

Friday, November 02, 2007

Red Dawn

After feeling the on set of a cold coming I decided to play it easy and retire to bed and watch a few movies. I pulled out one of my favorite movies growing up Red Dawn. The premise is that the US is invaded by communists and taken over. A band of high school students fleas the raid and conducts a war against the invaders from the mountains.

I couldn't help but notice a parallel for our current situation in Iraq. Say for example China decided to invade the US and reform the entire country to communism.

Would you become a "terrorist" to fight them? Plant IED's on the side of the road? Harbor other Americans who are fighting the oppressors? Now there is a certain fraction of people in the US who consider communism the way to go. China would put them on the news and say look we are giving the people what they want. But would most Americans ever stop fighting the invaders? How many years would we fight them? Would we ever just give in? Do you think the people of Iraq ever will?

Thursday, November 01, 2007