Monday, December 31, 2007

Booth? No Thanks...

I will wait for a stool. When going to a bar it defeats the purpose to sit at a table. As soon as you do you are no longer at a bar you are at a restaurant that serves drinks. You have an extra degree of separation when ordering drinks, extra wait time. You are isolated from everyone else in your own island of chairs. What fun is that? No thanks I think I will wait for a stool.

30+ 1/365

I am still alive....barley

Thanks for the great weekend everyone:)

Friday, December 28, 2007

My Birthday Song...

Birthday Boy - Courtesy of Soulja Boy

Chorus: x2]
Birthday Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Birthday Boy
Then Super Man Dat Hoe
Now Watch Me Do
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)
Now Watch Me yua!
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)
Now Watch Me yua!
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)
Now Watch Me yua!
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)

[Verse 1:]
Birthday Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock
Super Man Dat Hoe
Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Birthday Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat thing
(Now Yua!)
I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get The Fightin
Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Crank It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
"I got me some bapes today"

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 2:]
I'm Bouncin On My Toe
Watch Me Super Soak Dat Hoe
I'ma Pass It To Arab
Then He Gon crank it up 4 sholl (sholl)
Haterz Wanna Be Me
Birthday Boy, I'm The Man
They Be Lookin At My Neck
Sayin Its The Rubberband Man (Man)
Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do It)
Dance (Dance)
Let Get To It (Let Get To It)
Nope, You Can't Do It Like Me
Hoe, So Don't Do It Like Me
Folk, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me
Man That Shit Was Ugly

[Chorus x4]

Im 2 clean off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank that roosavelt
And super soak that Hoe [x10]

Im to fresh up in this bitch
Watch me shuffle
Watch me jig
Watch me crank my shoulder work
Super man that bitch [x6]

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Shes a Material Girl

You are a great person and have been a great friend BUT....

There is a correlation that is generally lost on you when looking for a mate.

If you look for a sugar daddy who is rich and cares about material things as his hallmark for success you will be let down and please do not cry to me anymore.

You are attracted to him because he is a collector of things

You are one of those things...

When you are interested in collecting things, you always want more, better, newer...

As follows he will leave you for more, better, newer..

So you have been aptly warned...

Please direct your future bitching, crying and self pity elsewhere.

And granted every kind of guy can let you down but your choices equate to a higher then average chance that you will be miserable and heartbroken again next month.

Brian Out

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Weekend Sound Bites

Person One: Do you have any redbull?
Brianinmpls: I have a ton of bull but I am running low on red, can I get you something else?

Bartender: Last call
Brianinmpls: *Hell yeah!* I can't believe it is two am and I am still standing. I am fucking rock star!! (I am sure this was pretty slurred)
Bartender: Brian it is 7:45 we are closing early for the holiday..
Brianinmpls: Oh shit

Brianinmpls: Can you imagine the fucking balls I have wearing white underwear after two days of drinking like this and eating a cheese pizza?
Everyone: *Silence*

Brianinmpls: Days like this I wish my car seat was a port-a-potty and my car ran on feces.
Everyone: *Silence*

Hot Lady: I love this song. (Bing Crosby - Baby It's Cold Outside) It is so romantic the effort, the style the seduction of getting her to stay.
Brianinmpls: I want to write the second part of this song its called, "Thanks for the fuck now get out."

BNN Special Report 5:15- 5:18

Wrote this on a napkin before I left out of town...hope everybody had a good holiday I am going to go sweat out the shakes I got going on...

5:15 - 5:18 12/19/207 Minneapolis MN 55417 Tailgate

1.) A man in a tan carhart jacket and a supposed gang banger are fighting an unannounced war on the touch tunes machine. Taking turns supplanting each others music preferences with their own. Currently the carhart man is basking us all in Johnny Cash's Cocaine Blues while the gang banger is shooting him annoyed glances.

2.) A man to my right is alternating looking at his drink, checking his watch and eying his billfold. It is obviously he has been here for a while and is worried about covering his tab. I know the feeling and am probably doing similar motions.

3.) My vodka red bull is almost gone and I am losing on Buzz time Trivia to someone named FLY

4.) The Christmas decorations of lights and tinsel on the windows mask an underlying sense of depression that is almost visible.

5.) The song has changed over to something about getting low low it goes

Friday, December 21, 2007


In going through a stack of holiday cards I received in the mail I noticed an interesting correlation. The name of the sender was on average 1.5 times bigger then the name of the addressee. This mean was actually weighted down by the amount of cards that were typed and therefor reached parity.

For example

To Brian <- addressee



WILMA <-sender

I wonder what it means? Is it that they want to call attention to themselves instead of you through this token? Maybe I am just paranoid?

Anyways just an interesting observation....Do you notice the same?

Blogger Cash Cow for Google

I bet Google is worth $700 a share on the float it makes from blogger alone.

How it works? You sign up for Adsense. For every hit on an add on your page Google collects a fee from an advertiser that it holds till you reach a certain amount. Say 100 dollars which takes about forever so that whole time they are holding your money they are earning interest on it. Pretty good gig I would say...

Figure 50 million bloggers and websites that use adsense if they each have $50 (median for payout) sitting in an account it is $2,500,000,000.00 dollars that is earning interest every month. If you figure they are at least making treasury yield on the interest that is roughly $10.5 million dollars in interest they are making off your money. This is just a side business from the % they are making on the actual advertising contracts.

PS If you are not using adsense on your blog you can click on the link on the right column and sign up. Something is better then nothing.

Smart people there...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Commercial Song #23421 - Asthma

You know what would would be a good song for an asthma commercial?

Harder to Breathe by Maroon Five

"Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe"

Sleep Buffer

Anyone who knows me knows I am a huge fan of sleep and naps.
I hold the world record for being able to fall asleep in .00026 seconds after my head hits the pillow on a consistent basis.

This brings me to my Achilles heal, the ten minute buffer before I go to sleep and the ten minute window upon waking up. For the sake of getting to my goal of REM I will pretty much agree to anything asked or told to me during this time. I think this is actually how I ended up married the first time. I am on auto-pilot. I really have no comprehension of what is being said or asked of me during this time.

So New Rule: Any contract entered into by me within these sleep buffer zones is catogorically Null and void.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Experiment #2563251 Crying Under Water

In a rather somber mood I decided to test the following theory

"Can a person cry underwater?"

Filling up the bath tub with as much self pity and water as it would hold, I proceeded to dunk my head under and observe if in fact I was still crying.
(When you are 6'3" in a conventional tub this is not an easy task)

I observed the following.

1.) My body shifted from sorrow to survival as soon as I started to hold my breath under water.
So I could not notice any convulsions that usually accompany sobbing.

2.) I could not feel any tears since I was all wet duh...

Maybe I wasn't crying hard enough? I decided to repeat with the trusty aid of an onion and observed the same thing.

They say that you can cry underwater....but how do they know?

If the pressure stops the tears from coming then you are not crying you are just sad..and being sad is different then crying.

Result: Inconclusive

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Hard Core Chart #2571 - Smoking

There is a hierarchy of hard core when it comes to smoking I have ranked the following brands in order of hard core...

1.) Pall Mall, Lucky Strike...( Filter less) Rolled cigarettes even though they are filter less are not included here.

2.) Marlboro Reds

3.) Camel Full Flavor

4.)Any light cigarettes

5.) Menthol's (If you need it to taste like mint you are not that hard core)

6.) Virgina slims

(I am conflicted about Old Golds, GPC and Vantage brands because I know some hard core mother fuckers who toke these so if you smoke these it is up to you to make them hardcore.)

Monday, December 17, 2007

This Weekend

Read: A Brave New World by Aldous Huxlely - Wasn't impressed I liked the concepts of the book but the execution was poor and there were definitely some problems and issues. The argument that God was part of the individual desire of an independent man made me sick.

Went to a few holiday parties and made the rounds on Friday night, Stella's, Miami, Tailgate.

Watched: Sicko and while I am always sceptical of Micheal Moore I love how he raises an argument and the level of discussion in this country. I think it is something every American should go and see. I spent the better part of the afternoon researching some of his claims and this argument is pretty solid at least much more so then Fahrenheit 9/11

Did a shit ton of homework.

Watched the Packers route the Rams:)

I Can Hold It, But....

Every once in a while with out any special prompting I pee in a sink. Maybe this is why I don't get invited to as many dinner parties as I used too...

Friday, December 14, 2007

Festivus Holiday Cards

Festivus Holiday Cards....I love it:)

Although is it ok to engage in commercialism to fight commercialism or is it just wrong?

I have also seen Festivus poles for la revolution:)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Button Maker Bandit Strikes Again

Brian + Broke + Button Maker + Right Color Polo = Disaster for Retail

It took me 45 minutes to get kicked out asked to leave this time I think that might be a new record.

A few years ago I got what I thought was the worst present in the world....A button maker.
Turns out this was the greatest gift I never knew I wanted. Being to broke to go out and drink more then mouthwash I have to find other ways to keep myself entertained. I have taken to making name tag buttons and dressing up in the uniforms of well known stores and posing as an employee then mocking people when they ask me for help. It is amazing how well you can blend say the Target, Home Depot or Best Buy with simply the right color polo and a name tag.

I like to make my names on the buttons as awkward as possible using foreign names, women's names or names that resemble body parts or curse words. It has that extra sense of awkwardness' that is so fun.

Customer 1: Do you have toy X?
Button Bandit: Why do you want your kid to be dork?

Customer 2: Do you have this in this size
Button Bandit: (Just laughs and then points at their penis and walks away)

Customer 3: Do you have this brand?
Button Bandit: Wow you must be poor! or have a small penis.

Customer 4: Do you have this toy?
Button Bandit: Lets start with mouthwash in isle three.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wanted: Grinches

If you think about it the Grinch really didn't steal Christmas. He simply removed the commerical aspect of it from Whoville. Giving them the gift of knowing the true meaning of Christmas. He is not really a villain but a misunderstood hero at this point in the story.

I am actually a little conflicted about his returning the presents at the end. Wouldn't the greater gift to Whoville be that they learned that Christmas is really about Friends, Community, being together, enjoying the moment and not about who has the best presents the most gifts or the biggest feast? He actually becomes the villain as soon as he returns the gifts and allows the antiquated customs to continue.

When they are happy about the gifts and celebrate it with a feast making him the guest of honor they are saying that it is about the gifts. That is the most important thing hence his position at the head of the table. It is about the consumerism. This actually works in the Grinches favor since single people outside the mainstream can collect material things too. It proves the Grinch is right in moving from Who-ville in the first place since since community and family are secondary in happiness from collecting things.

I need a break from Who-Ville anyone else?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sunday Service Isn't What It Used to Be

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the security guards at these churches are armed?

Sometimes I Wish I Were a Computer

deltree c:\Mylife\You\MemoriesOfYou

or for Windows 2000 and XP people in your life

rmdir c:\Mylife\You\MemoriesOfYou /s


"Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops."

--Kurt Vonnegut -- Slaughterhouse Five

Monday, December 10, 2007

For Rocketstar...

This is a Rocket:)

This Weekend

What did I do this weekend?

1.) Read Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

2.) Rewired 3 Outlets and installed a new GFI Outlet

3.) Went to a Charity Art Auction and consumed enough free wine to make an ass out of myself.

4.) Watched Superbad.

5.) Worked out.

6.) Checked out the Red Stag. It was ok, probably more a place I would bring my mom for dinner. Service was not up to par.

7.) Had a Rocket at Tugs

8.) Stopped into Tailgate for 2 for 1's

9.) Made homemade pizza, Watched the Packers and Vikings games.

Those are the highlights folks... How does a typical weekday for Brian in Minneapolis go?

Weekday M-Th

Wake up
Make Coffee
Get Ready
Read - WSJ, Star Tribune, and
Post a blog
Listen to MPR on the way to work while smoking two Parliament lights
Lunch smoke two Parliament lights
Read for an hour
Go to class
Leave class smoke two Parliament lights
Have a drink
Go to bed

I know pretty boring huh....

Sunday, December 09, 2007

I am Bloggings Howard Roark

A passage from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead... If you have not read it I would highly recommend it.

"There were many houses, they were small, they were cut off from one another, and no two of them were alike. But they were like variations on a single theme, like a symphony played by an inexhaustible imagination, and one could still hear the laughter of the force that had been let loose on them, as if that force had run , unrestrained, challenging itself to be spent, but had never reached its end."

It is my greatest hopes that the words that you read upon this page live up to a high ideal of thought, imagination, rationalization, humor and freedom of self expression.

This is my fifth dimension in print as well as I can weakly articulate it...

Friday, December 07, 2007

Two Sides to the Same Coin

Waiting for a day when it will be ok or living for today?

The truth is it is a paradox or dichotomy I get the two mixed up...You have to do both at the same time. Live for today and plan for the future. If you don't do the later you will stress out living in the moment and it will wreck your good time if you don't do the former your life will pass you by.

What do you do on a daily basis that helps pave the way for the long term?

What do you do on a daily basis that helps you enjoy today?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Blessing is a Disguise...

Slaves Are Made in Such Ways

I am always very conscience of people who use the term bless or blessing. I find that it is usually associated with a either a slave induced mentality or an enslaver mentality. Used as a hallmark or red flag of the vanquished and the vanquishers.

A sign of defeat, transference of power.

For someone to bless someone there is a precondition of power had over another. The simple colloquial statement bless you raises the blesser above the blessed this act of domination over each other is usually replied to with a hearty thank-you.

Or think about the use of something along the lines of Count your blessings. I.e Don't think about how bad your life is or you might revolt or change something. It is saying be happy with your state or that too will be taken from you. It induces guilt lowers standards, controls your outcome to a lower denominator. It is the opposite of seeking your manifest destiny.

They say children are a blessing instead of a burden. I always had a tough time with this one, why can't children be thought of as a burden? Doesn't it allow greater vindication and praise for the parents who often struggle against all odds to keep them going? Doesn't it praise their sacrifice to call them a burden instead? Calling them a blessing seems to take away distinction, dishonor in a way the people who are truly struggling noble parents. How is one to talk realistically about something they are supposed to view as a privilege? Does calling them a blessing hinder them for reaching out for help when it is needed?

I am not completely naive I know that life is a balance between equals, subjugation and domination, but at least with me I am honest about it and don't dress it over.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Bar Buddies

The Twelve Steps of Bar Buddies.

1.) Ye, must like to drink.

2.) Ye, have to be a good drunk...this means no getting drunk, starting fights, screaming and throwing things for no reason.

3.) Ye, have to like at least some bar games, foosball, darts, pool, golden tee, trivia, chess...

4.) Like to talk and joke.

5.) Like to go to a variety of bars. (Dives, upscale, clubs, sports)

6.)Ye shall have the stamina of a camel and can sit for the duration of at least four hours.

7.) Ye shall tip the bar tenders and servers well.

8.) Thou, has family in the taxi cab industry.

9.) Smokes. (Now this is not a prerequisite but in Minnesota when you have to leave a building to smoke it is nice to have someone who goes with you.)

10.) If ye order an odd drink ye at least know how to make it.

11.) No judging.

12.) ye will be out going and can talk with other people at the bar.

Want to be my bar buddy?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Two Family System

We have gone from a two party system to a two family system. Do we really want the Bush's and Clinton's to shape an entire generation of American politics?

Monday, December 03, 2007

Typepad Friends

A special note to my Typepad friends... For some reason I can not comment on Typepad blogs during the day I can read them but when you go to comment it is blocked for me..must have some active x control that we are screening out. I apologize for my lack of comments on your blogs.. I still love you...Brian

Out loud

I looked at her only the way a person can who truly hates someone can. The drink still freshly dripping down my face. Her brow furrows, she know she crossed a line. I can see her reading every inch of anger in my reddening face. A hush falls over the bar and I feel the weight of 100 eyes on me and I realized I am saying this out loud....

Its On You...

"Every bomb that drops every bullet that shoots from an American soldiers gun has your signature on it... As a tax and American."

This was a line be a commentator on MPR yesterday and I appreciated the weight of it. We are responsible for what our Government does...but for some reason we don't feel like we are..