Thursday, January 31, 2008

3 -Poundering Thoughts of The Day

I wonder if people realize the clash and the similarity between the homeless people with mental problems and drug addiction that they spit at, refuse to look at, give help and money too... and the pop icon known as Britney Spears that they pray for, follow, help and worship as an idol.
This makes me sick....

That the term "Crackberry" is not funny. Its use accompanied with a laugh from the owner generally reveals a lot about the owner, none of it flattering. If you want to get addicted to something make sure it is fun like sex, booze or drugs.

Why not talk back to P-Diddy? Who the fuck is he REALLY? (That is only going to be funny and clever to a few people)

Invention #4535 - Microwave Cookie Sheets

As a loyal fan of pre-maid cookie dough and a true fan of instant gratification I was sitting around my kitchen wondering how can I get my pre-made cookie dough to cook faster.

Setting the oven to 500 degrees will not help you trust me.

So I would like to invent a tray that spins in the microwave with little silver or tin or whatever that stuff is circles that reflect heat evenly spaced around the circular tray.

The i just quick put my dough on the silver circles and Bam I bet I can get my cook time down from ten minutes to two!!

I am looking for investors let me know if you are in.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Brad Pitt, Herpes and the Greatest Cover-up Ever

Have you ever noticed that gossip magazines will tell you everything
From who is not wearing underwear, to who is cheating on who, to who is using
What flavored crack.

But you never hear what celebrities have which std's.

All that money and access to drugs, parties, and horny fans and you tell me none of them
Ever magically get the clap?

Would Brad Pitt or any star be the Sexiest Man alive if it was known that he had raging herpes? (Not that they shouldn't mind you)

I wounder if the magazines know this and don't report it for fear of lost revenue?

Or maybe there are magic drugs that cure the elite of STD's that is not available for the under echelons of

At any rate this clean bill of health seems to me a little too clean...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bad Driving Could Be Genentic

One of my biggest pet peeves when I am driving is people
that come to a complete stop in order to make a turn. As I was getting
ready to lose it I had an epiphany that I have yet to find out how to test

- Bad drivers have a spacial reasoning deficiency-
That is why they have to slow down so much when they turn
They are unable to negotiate in their mind as fast of the rest of us the
Impact of the turn.

There is a myth of women being bad drivers.
There has been some studies that men are better at spacial reasoning
I wonder if these items are really related.

I think there is a thesis study here if anyone wants it...


Monday, January 28, 2008


Exposed and Other Stuff You Don't Care About...

If you are the only person playing trivia in a bar everyone knows how stupid you are.

If Profiles Were Honest..

30 year old, financially devastated, out of shape, alcoholic ass-monkey. Seeks enablers of his neurosis and narcissism. Must like to eat, drink, read and curse frequently. Freethinking strong willed people encouraged to apply.

This Weekend

Watched Mr. Woodcock, The School for Scoundrels, The Groomsman and Mr. Brooks. (Free movie rentals rock) All of them were decent rentals.

Read 200 Pages of Atlas Shrugged Still 800 to go.

Went to a banquet at Windows at the top of the IDS building.

Checked out a new club\bar\restaurant called Seven Sushi UltraLounge above the newly opened Normans and realized that my cool license has expired.

From The Inside

Sitting in my car watching my fellow man dig for gold
It struck me as odd that we make such a big deal about
Picking our nose. Don't touch it. Its so gross and so dirty.

But hey buddy..

It is already touching you from the inside....

But for some reason as soon as we lift our hand to it it becomes dirty.

You are touching poop right now, urine right now, boogers right now...

From the inside.

But that doesn't seem to gross anyone out.

Only when they touch it through the barrier of their skin are they grossed out.

Weird huh?

Friday, January 25, 2008

Air Purifiers, The Prisoners Dilemma and the Fall of Man Kind

I was staring at my air purifier last night and I realized it is not helping, not really. The more it purifies my local air supply the more coal is burned to generate the electricity to run it. The more coal that is burned to run it the greater the pollution level and need for a purifier. The more purifiers running, the more coal need, the more pollution and so on.

Now we have a couple of options...

1.) Everyone stop buying things that pollute in the process and make the leap to green manufacturing and energy creation. (Everyone wins)
2.) I go green and you still pollute - I die you have purified air. (You win)
2.) You go green and I still pollute - You die and I have purified air. (I win)
4.) We both pollute and we all die and no one has clean air. (We all lose)

I know what is the right thing to do...shut all of this stuff off and stop being part of the problem and hope you do the same..

But since I don't trust you and I am an asshole, I am going to purify my room, pollute yours and be on my merry way....

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Right of Way

Challenge on the Field: You decide...

Situation: I am walking down the hall at work. The hall is pretty narrow and a couple of co-workers were standing in the hall talking no big deal.

I said excuse me and and started to walk by. He looked at me and said "yep" in kind of a snotty tone. So I whirled around and said really you are the one who should say excuse me, you are the one blocking the hall.

He said I was the one who should say it because I was interrupting them by walking down the hall. I said I DID SAY IT JACK ASS...

Why do people have such a hard time apologizing?

Who should have said excuse me in that situation..

We have way to much testosterone at work these days...

I think I may have a new archenemies

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Things I Have Grown to Hate #245321

A few things I used to like that I can no longer stand.

U2 - An odd phenomena is happening here where my loathing seems to be backwards compatible. I used to like Joshua Tree however my present feelings have reached backwards and tainted this once liked item also, completely removing any found memories of this band.

Maroon Five - I don't know if I ever really liked them but I know I hate them now. Every time I hear his voice on the radio I want to stick something in my ear till it bleeds.

Facebook - WTF? I can''t even log in now without getting prompted to install some add-on wanting to tell me how good I am at oral sex or picking movies or some other nonsense. It has become the junkiest thing on the internet and I leave my age out there strictly so someone can find my email if they are looking for it. I don't quite loath myspace the same way because myspace was junky to start with so my expectations were already low..

Vodka Redbull - If you were at my house on Monday morning you would know why.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


The always beautiful Tara got me, so here it goes:

The rules are as follows:

Link to the person that tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Here’s my contribution to the game:

1.) I love to drunk dial people I barley know as soon as I get to know them I stop.

2.) I can not write more then a sentence in cursive before I start printing.

3.) Three low level goals I have are as follows 1.) I will try at least two new restaurants a month. 2.) I will read at least 500 pages a month. 3.) I will listen to an artist I have never heard ofs entire CD or natural grouping.

4.) Right now I am pondering what we will say when there are no more CD's? What will we call a collection of MP3's for an artist? Lump?

5.) Four things I like to eat at Tailgate - Italian Fries with Pepperoni, Chili-Cheese Fries, Bacon cheeseburger, Buffalo wings with Danger sauce. PS. Sunday there was a Thanks to everyone who prevented me from Freezing to death on a run to El Pacifico...sorry the Packers lost and where the fuck did all these Minnesota grown Patriots fans come from? You should be ashamed of your self. (The funny thing about this whole last rant is I am not a sports fan at all, just a bar fan)

6.) This is the longest I have ever gone without a haircut. November 22, 2007 - January 25 2008 I feel like a wild man and I love it. PS I hate growing beards I can not stand how they feel. I think this phobia stems from a motor boating session that ended up with bleeding and screaming...

Maybe you want to be tagged too?

Successful Business Venture #65

Food Therapist. When you are board and broke you have to look for new ways to entertain yourself. I took an add out in Craig's list this weekend for a food therapist. Kind of like a hot line that you call when you are thinking about having a smoke except food.

Somewhere between call one and 100 I realized this is a fucking goldmine....anyone want to start a business?

All we need is a 1-900 number

(Just an aside I called the help quit smoking hotline about 30 times this weekend just to have someone to talk too, they now are blocking my number....I wish I would have recorded these sessions they were fucking hilarious.)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

20 Days!!!

Additional positive things I have noticed about not smoking....

1.) My hangovers are less severe

2.) I feel more relaxed

3.) I can go to work wearing the same outfit I passed out in the night before and it still smells good.

4.) I can do the 8 flights of stairs now no problem.

5.) My routine is changed so I am meeting new people doing different things

6.) Food tastes better

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Frost Bite in Under 10 Minutes Today

Brian in Minneapolis Hopes All His Peeps Are Warm Today..

If not you have less then ten minutes to get to my house before you freeze to death...

You have to love a challenge :)

For everyone who has always wondered how to calculate wind chill and its effects of frost you go:)

Friday, January 18, 2008

American Idol and the Fall of the Western World

Imagine a world where all art, innovation, inventions, music, dance, writing, publication, movies etc. Were voted on by a majority rules worldwide audience. A World where only the winner, the mediocre, the mean is available for distribution.

Imagine all of the genius, new styles, sounds, experiences, feelings, activities, leisure's, innovations that we miss.

All of the people outside the mean. People with so much to offer to the diversity of life silenced because your text votes failed to validate what they bring to society.

People who are mocked on the show as weird or odd or retarded.

When you laugh at their looks or vocal style or outfits...

Think all of the Abraham Lincoln's we fail to elect in our airbrushed, image first, pop culture world.

American Idol is the best example I can think of where mass market destroys the innovation and promise of our culture to the sound thunderous applause.

We are voting for our own homogenization....

Tonight I light a candle for all of those people outside the standard deviation.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Behind You?

Although I probably have a million little quirks one of my most irrational fears is that I get extremely nervous to drive behind people who have damaged rear bumpers. To the point I will turn, pull over and or go out of my way to avoid being behind them.

I am afraid that they are conspiring against me so that I will hit them and they will blame their pre-existing damage on me.

I reason that they must be bad drivers since they did something that caused someone to hit them and they might do it to me. (This is where I know I am crazy because logically I know that it was the person behind them who hit their cars fault but I still can't shake it)

What is one of your most irrational fears?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Pages of Love

If I had my own show on VH1 i.e Rock of Love or Shot at Love it would be called Pages of Love.

We would all lay around and read and take turns lovingly ssshhhhing each other. How a woman grants you your space and solitude says a lot. Then we would have dinner and get drunk and argue about what we read and then make out with who ever has the best points and opinions. I also would not have big elimination ceremonies as I don't see the need to embarrass people just because they are not for me. Although some of the best relationships in my life would never have happened using this method..

What is your VH1 show called? How does it go?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Latest Read - The Black Swan

The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

I am not going to recommend this book or discourage you from purchasing it.

I am just going to leave it at that.

If you have read it, are reading it, plan to read it, give me a shout I am wondering if my conclusions about it are just out of line or what others thought.

Plan vs. Actual

Last nights plan: Finish Homework
Estimated Time of Completion: 9pm 4hours of duration.

Actual Results
1.) Got really drunk.
2.) Shrunk two sweaters while trying to do laundry really drunk.
3.) Broke glass in the sink trying to hide evidence of my getting really drunk.
4.) Passed out at 9.
5.) Homework never even made it out of my bag.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Experiment #257412 - Water Temperature and Shaving

For the past week I have been testing the adage that the colder the water is when you shave the closer the shave. The point being that the coldness contracts the blades and makes the edge sharper.

I purchased two identical throw away razors. I had two glasses of water one with cold actually ice water and one with hot water enough to see steam coming off the glass.

I would shave one side with cold and one side with hot and then do the, "touch test" - This was also done using a third-party to touch who had no idea what side was shaved with what.

Then I would let it grow out for a day and see if I could measure or see a difference.

Result - I could not discern a difference between the hot and the cold side. It is not to say that the difference is not there just that I was unable to tell the difference.

Woudln't living with me be fun?

Friday, January 11, 2008

They Are Dark Jeans...So It Is OK

Somewhere a few years ago someone pulled a big joke on everyone when they told the world that dark jeans are dressy...because they are dark.

As if the color of your sweatshirt somehow makes it acceptable to wear to a formal dinner party.
Now don't get me wrong I am all for relaxing the dress standards of corporate America. Just don't try to justify it by saying that the color makes the difference. You have been fooled into a perception issue. Just fucking wear jeans and be done with it regardless of color they are. Otherwise you just sound as silly as the retarded fashion expert who started this whole joke to begin with.

The same goes for people who try to make tennis shoes look like dress shoes. To me it says in a quiet voice I want to be a non-conformist and comfortable but I don't want anyone to know or get offended.

Grow a pair and listen to yourself, you sound like an idiot.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Extra Extra

What do news paper boxes say about the behavior of humans?

Any one person can put in money and open it and give free papers to everybody else.

But we rarely see this happen. I put in some money and left the door propped open just to see what the next person would do.

Did they...

A.) Take a free paper and shut the door so no one else could get one.

B.) Take all the papers out and start passing them around the bus stop since they were so lucky today.

C.) Shut the door. Place their money in and get a paper the honest way.

The answer was = A

I am not really sure what this means about the fate of our species but I think I am going to work this into a thesis of some kind...

What would you do? And don't lie chances are I will have you on tape over the next six months..

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Catch -22

Catch - 22, by Joesph Heller

Finished reading this last night and it was ok. Yeah it was funny and witty but I felt like I was hearing a joke for the 10th time when I was reading it.

I must have watched to much MASH or Hogans Hero's or something because it was all so familiar.

It is probably a credit to the author that so much of Heller's work has found its way into popular culture, unfortunately it also wrecked the impact of the book for me. I could see the merit in his work without a doubt but I wish I wouldn't have wasted my time.

Next Up - The Black Swan, by Nassim Nicholas Taleb


By now I would have smoked 8 packs of cigarettes surface savings $4.28 * 8 = $34.24
But I was a thrifty smoker and always bought two for ones so really I have only saved $17.12
But wait I have also picked up a new habit....Chapstick. I have fought my entire life to avoid this one and now in my darkest hour I have faltered to the lip rejuvenation gods. 5 sticks of blistex (assorted flavors of course $5.36 bringing my actual savings down to under $12, still not bad)

Feel Better?
Not really I have started to puke up these brown goobers. They feel kind of like a leech that hasn't shaved in a few weeks coming out of my orifices.
Smoking might have actually been keeping me alive...
Acting as a buffer of smell keeping germ infested non-smokers at bay.

I have also had a few reverse asthma attacks where I feel little too much air is coming into my lungs and I am drowning in it.

The worst side effect easily is that I feel socially awkward...I have no idea how to act around people now..I am blushing and sweating when someone talks to is just weird.

The bright side

Things are working better;) I can is kind of a trip and not always a pleasant but it is cool.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Free Wills Final Moment

In a willful world I find it interesting that one of the most significant acts we could choice to have control over completely surrendered to the fates.

We leave the way, how we will feel in that moment, the method, the place, the time, the aftermath almost entirely to chance.

Maybe self euthanasia is the ultimate act of free will?

The ultimate manifest destiny?

Monday, January 07, 2008

BNN #2541 - 1/7/2008

On my way to work this morning I saw the red flashing lights of fire rescue truck in my rearview mirror. I pulled over and cursed about how that was going to make me even later to work. After he passed and traffic got going again I started to relax. As I rounded a corner I saw the fire rescue truck with its lights flashing pulled into a drive way. In the drive way was a very elderly man laying on the ground clutching a cane with tears coming down his eyes. From his position on the ground it was obvious that he had fallen and broken his leg.

I don't know why I have been so sentimental lately but I started to cry. Something that we could shake off in our youth I have broken mine a few times, may very well end this mans independence forever. Confining him to a nursing home for the rest of his life. It just doesn't seem fair to make it that long through life's many hardships and lose it all with a slip on the ice.

It made me think of my neighbor Audrey and miss her very much....

Friday, January 04, 2008

Friday Clicks

Interesting Articles I'm Doing Great It's All of You Who Are F!@#ED....

Charity as a drug...I told you so ;)

P.S For my Minneapolis people is it just me or has the Star Tribune swung to the right? I can't put my finger on but just the word choice, layout, or stories or something seems to smell right wing... Like FOX secrete agents have silently killed alot of journalists and yet I felt no disturbance in the force?


We have all heard things like, "I have been smoking for 20 years." or "I have been smoking since I was 13."

Well that is not really the case if you smoke a pack a day and we say you actively smoke a cigarette for five minutes you actually spend a good part of your day not smoking.

Lets run the numbers

20 smokes in a pack at 5 minutes each = 100 minutes smoking.
24 hours in a day 60 minutes in an hour = 1440

If we divide the numbers we see that you are smoking roughly 7% of the day leaving 93% to do other stuff.

So the smoker who has been smoking for 20 years and is so tough has really only been smoking for 1.4 years...

sorry this stuff is on my mind lately..

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Goal Reasons

When most people say that they are going to quit smoking what I hear is that there life goal is to avoid getting cancer and live as long as possible. I am not those people and that is not my goal.

My goal is not to live the longest or smell the best or be the healthiest...

My goal is to enjoy my life to the fullest. You might then ask why bother quit smoking if you enjoy it so much? Well there are other things I enjoy more that it is interferring with...

I will let you draw your own conclusion to what those things are:)

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


I got nothing. I think all of my wit and power was lost as I beamed down new life forms of permanent liquid tar about 30-40 times yesterday.

Hope everyone had a happy New Year:)