It is weird how differently you think of your parents after you have kids. I spend a lot of my young adult life disconnected and angry at my mom for what I know now was just her trying her best to keep her head above water.
After my dad died when I was young it was like a moment in time froze in her.
To this day 30+years have passed since that moment and on my birthday she still brings me things I liked at that time. There is a guarantee I will get s Star Wars card or some other such offering that will be of that period.
I think she feels responsible somehow for so much that was beyond any of our control.
I think it is the broken-est of us that spend so much time trying to fix others.
I always though this was because they wished someone would help fix them but I don't think that is the case anymore. Lest 30 years of therapy, outreach and compassion would show the world of phycology to be a sham.
We have drifted in and out of each others life's for sometimes years at a time.
It took my own kids to finally understand there is nothing in this world that you wouldn't do for them. There is no worse feeling in the world than feeling like you let them down.
How do you tell someone they didn't let you down it is ok. I know you did the best you could have have them acknowledge it in their soul to a point of forgiveness?
I have given that pardon, asked for forgiveness for my part in it, yet I still feel her self tortures' after all these years.
I see part of her in my mirror.
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