*Note this did not actually happen, wrote this on a napkin at happy hour picturing it did though*
My face is flush
This time it is not the drink
At least not all of it
I sweat a little
My heart pounds
I am not ready
I don't know how to do this
She looks so good
Enter interruption
Enter interruption
Enter interruption
Please
Where is an interruption
Nothing is coming
Its almost that awkward time
I have to move
Go you idiot
Breath?
Do I smell?
Does she like me?
Is this too soon?
It is officially awkward
Silence
fidgets
Here I go
Leaning in
Bumped noses
Cracked foreheads
Nervous laughs
Twitches
Bodies that pull apart
Like hands touching hot pots
Good night
Can't believe I missed
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Restless
Alone.
So tired I can't sleep.
Restless has a double meaning.
This bed is too big now.
Alarm clock too bright.
I can't slow my thoughts down.
They seem to come faster,
When I shut my eyes.
12:15
People, Places, Tasks, Regrets.
12:57
I can still get four hours of sleep.
1:31
To do lists, check boxes, stress.
If I just keep my eyes shut,
I will be able to sleep.
I can trick myself,
Into believing I slept.
4:23
I can still get a half hour.
I can work on a half hour.
I have done it before.
I finaly feel like I could sleep.
The Alarm goes off.
F!@%#.
So tired I can't sleep.
Restless has a double meaning.
This bed is too big now.
Alarm clock too bright.
I can't slow my thoughts down.
They seem to come faster,
When I shut my eyes.
12:15
People, Places, Tasks, Regrets.
12:57
I can still get four hours of sleep.
1:31
To do lists, check boxes, stress.
If I just keep my eyes shut,
I will be able to sleep.
I can trick myself,
Into believing I slept.
4:23
I can still get a half hour.
I can work on a half hour.
I have done it before.
I finaly feel like I could sleep.
The Alarm goes off.
F!@%#.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Walls made out of sticks and stones...
are nothing compared to the ones made out of words..
I am not really sure where I am going with this post so bear with me.
I have been studying language lately both in school and in my personal life and it has begun to take ahold of my thoughts lately. I see the world in English. I experience the world in English. What do I mean? Bejaka (bay-ah-kah) is a Swedish word it has a literal translation of "affirmation of life" but its meaning is far more than a greeting it is a welcoming to all vicissitudes that life may bring and that you recognize an understanding and acceptance of people and things as they are. All of that in one word. Took a small paragraph to describe it in English. In English things are separate they have attributes properties, they are not connected. For example almost every language has a single word for smoked fish. Not two separate words that divide and describe the object. Do we divide and describe each other without ever really knowing it?
Effects on thought. I can only think about and describe the world in the words that I know. So does expanding my vocabulary expand my ability to think about the world?
And what are the effects of slang, is it a shared experience that builds culture community or is it a communicational prison that isolates the user from people outside that community?
Just starting to muse the subject...
I am not really sure where I am going with this post so bear with me.
I have been studying language lately both in school and in my personal life and it has begun to take ahold of my thoughts lately. I see the world in English. I experience the world in English. What do I mean? Bejaka (bay-ah-kah) is a Swedish word it has a literal translation of "affirmation of life" but its meaning is far more than a greeting it is a welcoming to all vicissitudes that life may bring and that you recognize an understanding and acceptance of people and things as they are. All of that in one word. Took a small paragraph to describe it in English. In English things are separate they have attributes properties, they are not connected. For example almost every language has a single word for smoked fish. Not two separate words that divide and describe the object. Do we divide and describe each other without ever really knowing it?
Effects on thought. I can only think about and describe the world in the words that I know. So does expanding my vocabulary expand my ability to think about the world?
And what are the effects of slang, is it a shared experience that builds culture community or is it a communicational prison that isolates the user from people outside that community?
Just starting to muse the subject...
Friday, February 10, 2006
The cheese stands alone
I starting at the single life for the first time in my adult life, and I have to admit I am feeling a little daunted, overwhelmed and well frankly a little insecure. I have gotten a little pudgier than I have been before, I am a little more of a mess with a few more storage rooms of baggage. I am an introvert who has never been alone. Please don't misunderstand me I am in no rush to date or find somebody or anything of the sort, but I find myself starting to think about what I would want in my partner or partners if I am lucky..lol.
If I gave you my superficial metadata ideals they would probably be a woman on the taller side...since I am taller and things tend to not, um, fit right if she is too short, nice legs, dark hair and of course incredibly horny, a massage expert, bi-sexual, open minded and loves to wait on me and do housework.
To say what I really would like is probably a lot harder to describe and find...but she is smart. In a book sense and in an I did that one time at band camp sense.
She has set goals and has achieved enough of them to know that she can do what she puts her mind too.
She has taken risks and been both burned and successful and has learned from them
She has been hurt...she has learned how to talk about being hurt.
She will take me to task on things. Don't let me just spout nonsense. I have never been a fan of the smile and nod women..speak up..but she knows how to do it respectfully
She is a little more outgoing than me. I tend to go through these periods of seclusion and it helps to have someone there to pull you out. She is good in social settings.
She is not religious at least not in the lets go to church, baptize our children, marry in a church kind of way...this is a sticking point as it usually signifies two different philosophies on life that are often in my experience incompatible.
She has some passions and hobbies that are different than mine that she can teach me.
She wants to have kids.
She doesn't laugh at the size of my penis.
She understands being a partner isn't always 50\50 we can carry the load, burden for each other at times, we work together.
She will cook with me..I love to cook, also love to go out to eat and drink.
She can let me have my space...sometimes I just need to go to the cave alone to recharge that is just me...just how I am wired
She knows that I am a mess and she loves me for it.
I can be open about what I am feeling and it is not going to be seen as a weakness or used as a weapon.
There is a quote in the book 100 years of solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez has come the closest to what I would like to find "Both looked back then on the wild revelry, the gaudy wealth, the unbridled fornication as an annoyance and they lamented that it had cost them so much of their lives to find the paradise of shared solitude...they enjoyed the miracle of loving each other at the table as much as in the bed"
This might take a while to find so any help any of you can be of help in the unbridled fornication department that would be greatly appeciated. Please feel free to send or give booty I am in the book.
If I gave you my superficial metadata ideals they would probably be a woman on the taller side...since I am taller and things tend to not, um, fit right if she is too short, nice legs, dark hair and of course incredibly horny, a massage expert, bi-sexual, open minded and loves to wait on me and do housework.
To say what I really would like is probably a lot harder to describe and find...but she is smart. In a book sense and in an I did that one time at band camp sense.
She has set goals and has achieved enough of them to know that she can do what she puts her mind too.
She has taken risks and been both burned and successful and has learned from them
She has been hurt...she has learned how to talk about being hurt.
She will take me to task on things. Don't let me just spout nonsense. I have never been a fan of the smile and nod women..speak up..but she knows how to do it respectfully
She is a little more outgoing than me. I tend to go through these periods of seclusion and it helps to have someone there to pull you out. She is good in social settings.
She is not religious at least not in the lets go to church, baptize our children, marry in a church kind of way...this is a sticking point as it usually signifies two different philosophies on life that are often in my experience incompatible.
She has some passions and hobbies that are different than mine that she can teach me.
She wants to have kids.
She doesn't laugh at the size of my penis.
She understands being a partner isn't always 50\50 we can carry the load, burden for each other at times, we work together.
She will cook with me..I love to cook, also love to go out to eat and drink.
She can let me have my space...sometimes I just need to go to the cave alone to recharge that is just me...just how I am wired
She knows that I am a mess and she loves me for it.
I can be open about what I am feeling and it is not going to be seen as a weakness or used as a weapon.
There is a quote in the book 100 years of solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez has come the closest to what I would like to find "Both looked back then on the wild revelry, the gaudy wealth, the unbridled fornication as an annoyance and they lamented that it had cost them so much of their lives to find the paradise of shared solitude...they enjoyed the miracle of loving each other at the table as much as in the bed"
This might take a while to find so any help any of you can be of help in the unbridled fornication department that would be greatly appeciated. Please feel free to send or give booty I am in the book.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The Man
Been thinking about the man lately and are you ready for this? This might be left field cause this is a drunken post. To the point that I am actually having to concentrate on the keys to type.
The man does not exist. The illusion of the man is creation of the collective population. In our inability to accecpt responsibility for our lives for our station, it is some one else's fault someone who has control....people only have the power that we surrender to them.
The people or manifestation that we often associate with the "man" the CEO, the dictator, the pope, god, the behind the scenes business man with an agenda are the people who understand the strenth and weakness of human beings the best and use that understanding of people to enrich themselves. They are not villains but rather they are acute students of human nature.
We are all our own wizard of oz....instead of looking up the food chain for a handout for an apology lets roll up our sleeves and look to the people who are standing shoulder to shoulder with us....we are in control of our own destiny.
I am responsible for my life and need to motivate, discipline and reward myself....ps I need to light a fire under my own ass...that is all
The man does not exist. The illusion of the man is creation of the collective population. In our inability to accecpt responsibility for our lives for our station, it is some one else's fault someone who has control....people only have the power that we surrender to them.
The people or manifestation that we often associate with the "man" the CEO, the dictator, the pope, god, the behind the scenes business man with an agenda are the people who understand the strenth and weakness of human beings the best and use that understanding of people to enrich themselves. They are not villains but rather they are acute students of human nature.
We are all our own wizard of oz....instead of looking up the food chain for a handout for an apology lets roll up our sleeves and look to the people who are standing shoulder to shoulder with us....we are in control of our own destiny.
I am responsible for my life and need to motivate, discipline and reward myself....ps I need to light a fire under my own ass...that is all
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Cut a little too deep
Ever have so much to say to someone that you didn't even know where to begin so you just don't say anything? It is one of the slowest ways to torture a relationship. Like sealing a stadium filled with two people and pumping the air out one silent moment after another. Until all that is left is bitterness, sorrow and anger. All you need is time and silence. I am a serial killer. I am repressed rage. I am buried feelings. I am hurting. I am sadder today than I can ever remember being. I am a Hollywood set. I target bliss and skin it and tan it in my window. I target it because I want it yet and lack the ability to take care of it. Like a child with a puppy who has soon soiled an entire house before dying of hunger. I talk about accepting responsibly for self but don't listen to me, I am full of shit. Everything that happens to me is some outside force, some boogie man. I am very good at dodging the monsters that I have created. My life full of Frankenstein I have authored. Frankensteins who exercise every time I hold it in. Frankenstein that perch on my shoulders in ever increasing amount, that sit on my chest and make it had to breath, like a bully you have taunted who just won't get off of you.
I talked today, We talked today. We broke the noose of silence that was lifting us off this chair. I found my best friend again and I am forced to morn your loss all in the same day. Thanks for being my hero..... thanks for being the adult that I pretend to be...thanks for still holding my hand because I am scared...I don't know what life has in store for us, but I am glad that we have faced this part together and you will always have a key and friend just a phone call away...
B
I talked today, We talked today. We broke the noose of silence that was lifting us off this chair. I found my best friend again and I am forced to morn your loss all in the same day. Thanks for being my hero..... thanks for being the adult that I pretend to be...thanks for still holding my hand because I am scared...I don't know what life has in store for us, but I am glad that we have faced this part together and you will always have a key and friend just a phone call away...
B
Monday, February 06, 2006
Noise in a Crowd
Ever been in a crowded place when you were alone and shut your eyes and just listened? Noise rising in and out of focus, multiple streams of sound crescendo and then descend, blackholes leaking pitches, chatter, mindlessness, overlapping incomprehensible vibrations, communication. The world is external, I am internal. I am an observer. Sound surrounds me, but meaning doesn't penetrate. Whirls and twirls, if this sound is a color it is dark mush. I am alone in a crowd, whispers, touches, shouts, compounding syllables, relational vibrations, pockets of silence. I hear lies, distortions. We use vibrations to hide that what you can see if you look close enough. I know why this is like listening to a flock of birds. The Heard? I am part of the heard, the runt, the wolves are coming, I am alone in a crowd and a little drunk.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Just Sinking In
I am not sure
When it did begin.
I am sure I didn't fall in
Or jump in
Or ever fit in
I just kind of sank in
Slowly absorbed
Transformed
A piece of furniture
An object
In someone else's museum
I am a human cobweb
It was a slow process
Time hates me
More than I hate myself
It was deliberate
Even if I didn't know it was happening
If you struggle
You sink faster
I didn't have that problem
I never struggled
I never stood ground
I waived a white flag
To Avoid a necessary war
To avoid suffering
To avoid feeling
I am alone
My bands of brothers have marched elsewhere
My decent was passive
One lie on top of another
One part of me for sale
Then another
Nothing is left
All is sold
I am a site cleared for development
I should be sad.
But I am finally happy
This is my beginning
Rising up
Coming back
Finding me
Taking arms
Breathing in
Letting in
Dropping guards
Making right
Breaking free
Feeling me
When it did begin.
I am sure I didn't fall in
Or jump in
Or ever fit in
I just kind of sank in
Slowly absorbed
Transformed
A piece of furniture
An object
In someone else's museum
I am a human cobweb
It was a slow process
Time hates me
More than I hate myself
It was deliberate
Even if I didn't know it was happening
If you struggle
You sink faster
I didn't have that problem
I never struggled
I never stood ground
I waived a white flag
To Avoid a necessary war
To avoid suffering
To avoid feeling
I am alone
My bands of brothers have marched elsewhere
My decent was passive
One lie on top of another
One part of me for sale
Then another
Nothing is left
All is sold
I am a site cleared for development
I should be sad.
But I am finally happy
This is my beginning
Rising up
Coming back
Finding me
Taking arms
Breathing in
Letting in
Dropping guards
Making right
Breaking free
Feeling me
Friday, February 03, 2006
Last
This is from Rocket...Funny thing about this is for some reason I feel the need to embelish my responses so that my life seems more interesting and edgy, to the point that I went through this a second time and changed 7 of these answers to reflect the truth where I was going to falsify information to make myself seem cool....just an interesting aside, why do I feel the need to do that?
Last as of 7:30 this morning
Last Alcoholic Drink:: Beer...Honey Weiss(sp):)
Last Car Ride:: To work
Last Kiss:: Thursday Routine Kiss...
Last Good Cry:: Watched crash like two weekends ago and the scene where the daughter runs in front of the gun because she has her magic cloak on made me lose it.
Last Library Book checked out:: Don Quixote spanish extra credit
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:: Fun with Dick and Jane
Last Book Read:: Cockburns Agile Development\ Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival
Last Movie Rented:: Unfortuantly it was the Ring II, even more unfortuatly was the fact that I watched the whole thing.
Last Cuss Word Uttered:: Fucking Asshole
Last Beverage Drank:: non-alcohal was diet cherry coke
Last Food Consumed:: black bean nachos
Last Phone Call:: From Mom
Last TV Show Watched:: Family Guy
Last Time Showered:: 5:45am this morning
Last Shoes Worn:: Brown
Last CD Played:: James Blunt
Last Item Bought:: Pack of certs @ SA
Last Download:: stickam....www.stickam.com webcam for myspace and backroom
Last Annoyance:: My shoe laces are all messed up, knotted, couldn't get them off...uggg
Last Disappointment:: Can I say my review with all the people who read this at work? I was just disappointed in myself for not being agrssive enough.
Last Thing Written:: Does this count? No..then letter to Anne..PS I need your new address:)
Last Key Used:: House Key or ")" if you want to be technical
Last Word Spoken:: technical, I say out loud everything I type. Anyone who has webcamed with me after a few drinks will laugh at this.
Last Sleep:: Last night, I fell asleep around 12:15,Got up at 5am today.
Last Sexual Fantasy:: Something to do with Anna and Kelley pillow fighting in highheels then squirting honey all over each othr and licking it off.....brb
Last Weird Encounter:: Sent a weird email to someone I barley know...
Last Ice Cream Eaten:: Ben and Jerrys Cherry Garcia
Last Time Amused:: Quote Rocket Sent me or that onion thing rocket send me or the outsourcing article rocket sent me...Rock you amuse me..lol
Last Time Wanting To Die (figuratively):: On my drive home last night, but that's another posting for another day
Last Time Hugged:: Last night maybe? or Josh and something to do with Ants?
Last Time Scolded:: I usually am pretty good at blocking this out...but I have been getting the silent treatment for a few days now.
Last Chair Sat In:: My desk chair at work.
Last bowel movement:: 11:15am de la tarde
Last Underwear Worn:: boxers that have blue and white stripes
Last Shirt Worn:: Right now pink with little white checkers
Last website visited:: www.startribune.com
Last as of 7:30 this morning
Last Alcoholic Drink:: Beer...Honey Weiss(sp):)
Last Car Ride:: To work
Last Kiss:: Thursday Routine Kiss...
Last Good Cry:: Watched crash like two weekends ago and the scene where the daughter runs in front of the gun because she has her magic cloak on made me lose it.
Last Library Book checked out:: Don Quixote spanish extra credit
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:: Fun with Dick and Jane
Last Book Read:: Cockburns Agile Development\ Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival
Last Movie Rented:: Unfortuantly it was the Ring II, even more unfortuatly was the fact that I watched the whole thing.
Last Cuss Word Uttered:: Fucking Asshole
Last Beverage Drank:: non-alcohal was diet cherry coke
Last Food Consumed:: black bean nachos
Last Phone Call:: From Mom
Last TV Show Watched:: Family Guy
Last Time Showered:: 5:45am this morning
Last Shoes Worn:: Brown
Last CD Played:: James Blunt
Last Item Bought:: Pack of certs @ SA
Last Download:: stickam....www.stickam.com webcam for myspace and backroom
Last Annoyance:: My shoe laces are all messed up, knotted, couldn't get them off...uggg
Last Disappointment:: Can I say my review with all the people who read this at work? I was just disappointed in myself for not being agrssive enough.
Last Thing Written:: Does this count? No..then letter to Anne..PS I need your new address:)
Last Key Used:: House Key or ")" if you want to be technical
Last Word Spoken:: technical, I say out loud everything I type. Anyone who has webcamed with me after a few drinks will laugh at this.
Last Sleep:: Last night, I fell asleep around 12:15,Got up at 5am today.
Last Sexual Fantasy:: Something to do with Anna and Kelley pillow fighting in highheels then squirting honey all over each othr and licking it off.....brb
Last Weird Encounter:: Sent a weird email to someone I barley know...
Last Ice Cream Eaten:: Ben and Jerrys Cherry Garcia
Last Time Amused:: Quote Rocket Sent me or that onion thing rocket send me or the outsourcing article rocket sent me...Rock you amuse me..lol
Last Time Wanting To Die (figuratively):: On my drive home last night, but that's another posting for another day
Last Time Hugged:: Last night maybe? or Josh and something to do with Ants?
Last Time Scolded:: I usually am pretty good at blocking this out...but I have been getting the silent treatment for a few days now.
Last Chair Sat In:: My desk chair at work.
Last bowel movement:: 11:15am de la tarde
Last Underwear Worn:: boxers that have blue and white stripes
Last Shirt Worn:: Right now pink with little white checkers
Last website visited:: www.startribune.com
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I Play Fetch with Myself
Motivation has been a struggle off and on with me for my entire life. I go through ebbs and flows of building modern marvels to loving the couch, bon-bons and my bath robe a little too much. From passionate pursuit to I don't give a fuck in .o6 seconds. I have tried a small arsenal of pills in my life aimed at making me a model human being, curbing bouts of depression, adding focus, reducing stress and evening out my behavior, but all of them have failed. Probably because I am not physically sick and more normal than I would like to admit. What I have taken to doing with some great success is dangling my own carrot in front of me. I have learned to play fetch with myself. Inspire,throw and go or dream, plan and do however you want to look at it.
And you know what? For ever longer periods of time I have felt peace, calmness inspiration and joy.
Here are some of the things I do to inspire myself.....
1.) School...I love it. Every class I leave I look at the world differently I see the world fresh, it makes my dreams vivid and my mind wander to new places. I am graded there is a finish line and objective that I see being achieved.
2.) Books...Same reason as above
3.) Free First Saturdays at the Walker....Something about art that makes me see the world differently...Through values, composition, position image etc.Walker Art Center
4.) My sketch pad...B9 pencils, watching the light fall on an object. Shaping something with my own hand. It is an original piece that I made...no matter how shitty it is.
5.) Eat at a new place every month:) Experience the taste and texture of the world.
6.) Drink a Good bottle of wine. With friends sometimes and sometimes alone.
7.) Happy Hour:)
8.) Naked women. Come on your beautiful.
9.) Write in my journal every night.
10.) Go someplace and take a picture in each direction and write a story about it.
11.) Do moment in time writing. Something about doing them in the moment. What's it like outside? What sounds do you hear? Just being present in what I am writing.
12.) Streak naked even if it is just through my living room. Culminated in the penis flap dance....you heard me!
13.) Put my head phones on and dance...dance I said.
14.) Long walk by myself.
15.) Text Twist or Chess!!!
16.) People in my life
17.) Setting goals and then knocking them the fuck out of the park.
18.) Burn everything I did once a year and start over. If you haven't done it in the last 12 months it doesn't count. This means every year on October 31st I burn something that reminds me of all of my success and all of my failures. Mine is on Halloween just because I love the energy of that night. Then I get back to work! I plan for the next year. Don't rely on past success! Anybody can be a one hit wonder, but not everybody can come back.
And you know what? For ever longer periods of time I have felt peace, calmness inspiration and joy.
Here are some of the things I do to inspire myself.....
1.) School...I love it. Every class I leave I look at the world differently I see the world fresh, it makes my dreams vivid and my mind wander to new places. I am graded there is a finish line and objective that I see being achieved.
2.) Books...Same reason as above
3.) Free First Saturdays at the Walker....Something about art that makes me see the world differently...Through values, composition, position image etc.Walker Art Center
4.) My sketch pad...B9 pencils, watching the light fall on an object. Shaping something with my own hand. It is an original piece that I made...no matter how shitty it is.
5.) Eat at a new place every month:) Experience the taste and texture of the world.
6.) Drink a Good bottle of wine. With friends sometimes and sometimes alone.
7.) Happy Hour:)
8.) Naked women. Come on your beautiful.
9.) Write in my journal every night.
10.) Go someplace and take a picture in each direction and write a story about it.
11.) Do moment in time writing. Something about doing them in the moment. What's it like outside? What sounds do you hear? Just being present in what I am writing.
12.) Streak naked even if it is just through my living room. Culminated in the penis flap dance....you heard me!
13.) Put my head phones on and dance...dance I said.
14.) Long walk by myself.
15.) Text Twist or Chess!!!
16.) People in my life
17.) Setting goals and then knocking them the fuck out of the park.
18.) Burn everything I did once a year and start over. If you haven't done it in the last 12 months it doesn't count. This means every year on October 31st I burn something that reminds me of all of my success and all of my failures. Mine is on Halloween just because I love the energy of that night. Then I get back to work! I plan for the next year. Don't rely on past success! Anybody can be a one hit wonder, but not everybody can come back.
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