Booth? No Thanks...

I will wait for a stool. When going to a bar it defeats the purpose to sit at a table. As soon as you do you are no longer at a bar you are at a restaurant that serves drinks. You have an extra degree of separation when ordering drinks, extra wait time. You are isolated from everyone else in your own island of chairs. What fun is that? No thanks I think I will wait for a stool.

30+ 1/365

I am still alive....barley

Thanks for the great weekend everyone:)

My Birthday Song...

Birthday Boy - Courtesy of Soulja Boy

Chorus: x2]
Birthday Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Birthday Boy
Then Super Man Dat Hoe
Now Watch Me Do
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)
Now Watch Me yua!
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)
Now Watch Me yua!
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)
Now Watch Me yua!
(Crank Dat Birthday Boy)

[Verse 1:]
Birthday Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock
Super Man Dat Hoe
Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Birthday Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat thing
(Now Yua!)
I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get The Fightin
Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Crank It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
"I got me some bapes today"

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 2:]
I'm Bouncin On My Toe
Watch Me Super Soak Dat Hoe
I'ma Pass It To Arab
Then He Gon crank it up 4 sholl (sholl)
Haterz Wanna Be Me
Birthday Boy, I'm The Man
They Be Lookin At My Neck
Sayin Its The Rubberband Man (Man)
Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do It)
Dance (Dance)
Let Get To It (Let Get To It)
Nope, You Can't Do It Like Me
Hoe, So Don't Do It Like Me
Folk, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me
Man That Shit Was Ugly

[Chorus x4]

[Hook:]
Im 2 clean off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank that roosavelt
And super soak that Hoe [x10]

Im to fresh up in this bitch
Watch me shuffle
Watch me jig
Watch me crank my shoulder work
Super man that bitch [x6]

Shes a Material Girl

You are a great person and have been a great friend BUT....

There is a correlation that is generally lost on you when looking for a mate.

If you look for a sugar daddy who is rich and cares about material things as his hallmark for success you will be let down and please do not cry to me anymore.

You are attracted to him because he is a collector of things

You are one of those things...

When you are interested in collecting things, you always want more, better, newer...

As follows he will leave you for more, better, newer..

So you have been aptly warned...

Please direct your future bitching, crying and self pity elsewhere.

And granted every kind of guy can let you down but your choices equate to a higher then average chance that you will be miserable and heartbroken again next month.

Brian Out

Weekend Sound Bites

Person One: Do you have any redbull?
Brianinmpls: I have a ton of bull but I am running low on red, can I get you something else?


Bartender: Last call
Brianinmpls: *Hell yeah!* I can't believe it is two am and I am still standing. I am fucking rock star!! (I am sure this was pretty slurred)
Bartender: Brian it is 7:45 we are closing early for the holiday..
Brianinmpls: Oh shit

Brianinmpls: Can you imagine the fucking balls I have wearing white underwear after two days of drinking like this and eating a cheese pizza?
Everyone: *Silence*

Brianinmpls: Days like this I wish my car seat was a port-a-potty and my car ran on feces.
Everyone: *Silence*


Hot Lady: I love this song. (Bing Crosby - Baby It's Cold Outside) It is so romantic the effort, the style the seduction of getting her to stay.
Brianinmpls: I want to write the second part of this song its called, "Thanks for the fuck now get out."

BNN Special Report 5:15- 5:18

Wrote this on a napkin before I left out of town...hope everybody had a good holiday I am going to go sweat out the shakes I got going on...

5:15 - 5:18 12/19/207 Minneapolis MN 55417 Tailgate


1.) A man in a tan carhart jacket and a supposed gang banger are fighting an unannounced war on the touch tunes machine. Taking turns supplanting each others music preferences with their own. Currently the carhart man is basking us all in Johnny Cash's Cocaine Blues while the gang banger is shooting him annoyed glances.

2.) A man to my right is alternating looking at his drink, checking his watch and eying his billfold. It is obviously he has been here for a while and is worried about covering his tab. I know the feeling and am probably doing similar motions.

3.) My vodka red bull is almost gone and I am losing on Buzz time Trivia to someone named FLY

4.) The Christmas decorations of lights and tinsel on the windows mask an underlying sense of depression that is almost visible.

5.) The song has changed over to something about getting low low low....so it goes

Sign-Off

In going through a stack of holiday cards I received in the mail I noticed an interesting correlation. The name of the sender was on average 1.5 times bigger then the name of the addressee. This mean was actually weighted down by the amount of cards that were typed and therefor reached parity.

For example

To Brian <- addressee

rjhsdflkjhgesrolhsjhkfksjd

Love,

WILMA <-sender

I wonder what it means? Is it that they want to call attention to themselves instead of you through this token? Maybe I am just paranoid?

Anyways just an interesting observation....Do you notice the same?

Blogger Cash Cow for Google

I bet Google is worth $700 a share on the float it makes from blogger alone.

How it works? You sign up for Adsense. For every hit on an add on your page Google collects a fee from an advertiser that it holds till you reach a certain amount. Say 100 dollars which takes about forever so that whole time they are holding your money they are earning interest on it. Pretty good gig I would say...

Figure 50 million bloggers and websites that use adsense if they each have $50 (median for payout) sitting in an account it is $2,500,000,000.00 dollars that is earning interest every month. If you figure they are at least making treasury yield on the interest that is roughly $10.5 million dollars in interest they are making off your money. This is just a side business from the % they are making on the actual advertising contracts.

PS If you are not using adsense on your blog you can click on the link on the right column and sign up. Something is better then nothing.

Smart people there...

Commercial Song #23421 - Asthma

You know what would would be a good song for an asthma commercial?

Harder to Breathe by Maroon Five

"Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe"

Sleep Buffer

Anyone who knows me knows I am a huge fan of sleep and naps.
I hold the world record for being able to fall asleep in .00026 seconds after my head hits the pillow on a consistent basis.

This brings me to my Achilles heal, the ten minute buffer before I go to sleep and the ten minute window upon waking up. For the sake of getting to my goal of REM I will pretty much agree to anything asked or told to me during this time. I think this is actually how I ended up married the first time. I am on auto-pilot. I really have no comprehension of what is being said or asked of me during this time.

So New Rule: Any contract entered into by me within these sleep buffer zones is catogorically Null and void.

Experiment #2563251 Crying Under Water

In a rather somber mood I decided to test the following theory

"Can a person cry underwater?"

Filling up the bath tub with as much self pity and water as it would hold, I proceeded to dunk my head under and observe if in fact I was still crying.
(When you are 6'3" in a conventional tub this is not an easy task)

I observed the following.

1.) My body shifted from sorrow to survival as soon as I started to hold my breath under water.
So I could not notice any convulsions that usually accompany sobbing.

2.) I could not feel any tears since I was all wet duh...

Maybe I wasn't crying hard enough? I decided to repeat with the trusty aid of an onion and observed the same thing.

They say that you can cry underwater....but how do they know?

If the pressure stops the tears from coming then you are not crying you are just sad..and being sad is different then crying.

Result: Inconclusive

Hard Core Chart #2571 - Smoking

There is a hierarchy of hard core when it comes to smoking I have ranked the following brands in order of hard core...

1.) Pall Mall, Lucky Strike...( Filter less) Rolled cigarettes even though they are filter less are not included here.

2.) Marlboro Reds

3.) Camel Full Flavor

4.)Any light cigarettes

5.) Menthol's (If you need it to taste like mint you are not that hard core)

6.) Virgina slims

(I am conflicted about Old Golds, GPC and Vantage brands because I know some hard core mother fuckers who toke these so if you smoke these it is up to you to make them hardcore.)

This Weekend

Read: A Brave New World by Aldous Huxlely - Wasn't impressed I liked the concepts of the book but the execution was poor and there were definitely some problems and issues. The argument that God was part of the individual desire of an independent man made me sick.

Went to a few holiday parties and made the rounds on Friday night, Stella's, Miami, Tailgate.

Watched: Sicko and while I am always sceptical of Micheal Moore I love how he raises an argument and the level of discussion in this country. I think it is something every American should go and see. I spent the better part of the afternoon researching some of his claims and this argument is pretty solid at least much more so then Fahrenheit 9/11

Did a shit ton of homework.

Watched the Packers route the Rams:)

I Can Hold It, But....

Every once in a while with out any special prompting I pee in a sink. Maybe this is why I don't get invited to as many dinner parties as I used too...

Festivus Holiday Cards

Festivus Holiday Cards....I love it:)

Although is it ok to engage in commercialism to fight commercialism or is it just wrong?

I have also seen Festivus poles for sale...viva la revolution:)

Button Maker Bandit Strikes Again

Brian + Broke + Button Maker + Right Color Polo = Disaster for Retail

It took me 45 minutes to get kicked out asked to leave this time I think that might be a new record.

A few years ago I got what I thought was the worst present in the world....A button maker.
Turns out this was the greatest gift I never knew I wanted. Being to broke to go out and drink more then mouthwash I have to find other ways to keep myself entertained. I have taken to making name tag buttons and dressing up in the uniforms of well known stores and posing as an employee then mocking people when they ask me for help. It is amazing how well you can blend say the Target, Home Depot or Best Buy with simply the right color polo and a name tag.

I like to make my names on the buttons as awkward as possible using foreign names, women's names or names that resemble body parts or curse words. It has that extra sense of awkwardness' that is so fun.

Customer 1: Do you have toy X?
Button Bandit: Why do you want your kid to be dork?

Customer 2: Do you have this in this size
Button Bandit: (Just laughs and then points at their penis and walks away)

Customer 3: Do you have this brand?
Button Bandit: Wow you must be poor! or have a small penis.

Customer 4: Do you have this toy?
Button Bandit: Lets start with mouthwash in isle three.

Wanted: Grinches

If you think about it the Grinch really didn't steal Christmas. He simply removed the commerical aspect of it from Whoville. Giving them the gift of knowing the true meaning of Christmas. He is not really a villain but a misunderstood hero at this point in the story.

I am actually a little conflicted about his returning the presents at the end. Wouldn't the greater gift to Whoville be that they learned that Christmas is really about Friends, Community, being together, enjoying the moment and not about who has the best presents the most gifts or the biggest feast? He actually becomes the villain as soon as he returns the gifts and allows the antiquated customs to continue.

When they are happy about the gifts and celebrate it with a feast making him the guest of honor they are saying that it is about the gifts. That is the most important thing hence his position at the head of the table. It is about the consumerism. This actually works in the Grinches favor since single people outside the mainstream can collect material things too. It proves the Grinch is right in moving from Who-ville in the first place since since community and family are secondary in happiness from collecting things.

I need a break from Who-Ville anyone else?

Sunday Service Isn't What It Used to Be

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the security guards at these churches are armed?

Sometimes I Wish I Were a Computer

deltree c:\Mylife\You\MemoriesOfYou

or for Windows 2000 and XP people in your life

rmdir c:\Mylife\You\MemoriesOfYou /s

Shopping

"Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops."

--Kurt Vonnegut -- Slaughterhouse Five

For Rocketstar...

This is a Rocket:)

This Weekend

What did I do this weekend?

1.) Read Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

2.) Rewired 3 Outlets and installed a new GFI Outlet

3.) Went to a Charity Art Auction and consumed enough free wine to make an ass out of myself.

4.) Watched Superbad.

5.) Worked out.

6.) Checked out the Red Stag. It was ok, probably more a place I would bring my mom for dinner. Service was not up to par.

7.) Had a Rocket at Tugs

8.) Stopped into Tailgate for 2 for 1's

9.) Made homemade pizza, Watched the Packers and Vikings games.

Those are the highlights folks... How does a typical weekday for Brian in Minneapolis go?

Weekday M-Th

Wake up
Make Coffee
Shower
Get Ready
Read - WSJ, Star Tribune, and CNN.com
Post a blog
Listen to MPR on the way to work while smoking two Parliament lights
Work
Lunch smoke two Parliament lights
Work
Read for an hour
Go to class
Leave class smoke two Parliament lights
Have a drink
Go to bed

I know pretty boring huh....

I am Bloggings Howard Roark

A passage from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead... If you have not read it I would highly recommend it.

"There were many houses, they were small, they were cut off from one another, and no two of them were alike. But they were like variations on a single theme, like a symphony played by an inexhaustible imagination, and one could still hear the laughter of the force that had been let loose on them, as if that force had run , unrestrained, challenging itself to be spent, but had never reached its end."

It is my greatest hopes that the words that you read upon this page live up to a high ideal of thought, imagination, rationalization, humor and freedom of self expression.

This is my fifth dimension in print as well as I can weakly articulate it...

Two Sides to the Same Coin

Waiting for a day when it will be ok or living for today?

The truth is it is a paradox or dichotomy I get the two mixed up...You have to do both at the same time. Live for today and plan for the future. If you don't do the later you will stress out living in the moment and it will wreck your good time if you don't do the former your life will pass you by.

What do you do on a daily basis that helps pave the way for the long term?

What do you do on a daily basis that helps you enjoy today?

Blessing is a Disguise...

Slaves Are Made in Such Ways

I am always very conscience of people who use the term bless or blessing. I find that it is usually associated with a either a slave induced mentality or an enslaver mentality. Used as a hallmark or red flag of the vanquished and the vanquishers.

A sign of defeat, transference of power.

For someone to bless someone there is a precondition of power had over another. The simple colloquial statement bless you raises the blesser above the blessed this act of domination over each other is usually replied to with a hearty thank-you.

Or think about the use of something along the lines of Count your blessings. I.e Don't think about how bad your life is or you might revolt or change something. It is saying be happy with your state or that too will be taken from you. It induces guilt lowers standards, controls your outcome to a lower denominator. It is the opposite of seeking your manifest destiny.

They say children are a blessing instead of a burden. I always had a tough time with this one, why can't children be thought of as a burden? Doesn't it allow greater vindication and praise for the parents who often struggle against all odds to keep them going? Doesn't it praise their sacrifice to call them a burden instead? Calling them a blessing seems to take away distinction, dishonor in a way the people who are truly struggling noble parents. How is one to talk realistically about something they are supposed to view as a privilege? Does calling them a blessing hinder them for reaching out for help when it is needed?

I am not completely naive I know that life is a balance between equals, subjugation and domination, but at least with me I am honest about it and don't dress it over.

Bar Buddies

The Twelve Steps of Bar Buddies.

1.) Ye, must like to drink.

2.) Ye, have to be a good drunk...this means no getting drunk, starting fights, screaming and throwing things for no reason.

3.) Ye, have to like at least some bar games, foosball, darts, pool, golden tee, trivia, chess...

4.) Like to talk and joke.

5.) Like to go to a variety of bars. (Dives, upscale, clubs, sports)

6.)Ye shall have the stamina of a camel and can sit for the duration of at least four hours.

7.) Ye shall tip the bar tenders and servers well.

8.) Thou, has family in the taxi cab industry.

9.) Smokes. (Now this is not a prerequisite but in Minnesota when you have to leave a building to smoke it is nice to have someone who goes with you.)

10.) If ye order an odd drink ye at least know how to make it.

11.) No judging.

12.) ye will be out going and can talk with other people at the bar.


Want to be my bar buddy?

Two Family System

We have gone from a two party system to a two family system. Do we really want the Bush's and Clinton's to shape an entire generation of American politics?

Typepad Friends

A special note to my Typepad friends... For some reason I can not comment on Typepad blogs during the day I can read them but when you go to comment it is blocked for me..must have some active x control that we are screening out. I apologize for my lack of comments on your blogs.. I still love you...Brian

Out loud

I looked at her only the way a person can who truly hates someone can. The drink still freshly dripping down my face. Her brow furrows, she know she crossed a line. I can see her reading every inch of anger in my reddening face. A hush falls over the bar and I feel the weight of 100 eyes on me and I realized I am saying this out loud....

Its On You...

"Every bomb that drops every bullet that shoots from an American soldiers gun has your signature on it... As a tax payer...as and American."

This was a line be a commentator on MPR yesterday and I appreciated the weight of it. We are responsible for what our Government does...but for some reason we don't feel like we are..

Miracle of Conception?

There is a big ugly homage to pro-life that has been erected in the form of a billboard that I must pass now on my way to work. It reads, "Don't destroy the Miracle of Conception". (It is advocating a ban on stem cell research)

I hate this term for those of you not paying attention let me help you...Any two healthy reproductive aged animals who copulate enough times will produce offspring. It is not a miracle...it is Biology 101.

I know it sounds crass but you are an organic compound created by combining amino acids.

Do we really still believe that the hand of God was helping stroking my dog as I pumping my load into you and then to top it off he crawled up your vagina and gave this new seed his kiss of life? I am a kinky guy but come on...

This is not magical it is not mystical it is hormones and statistics...

30 Seconds Impressions

It is amazing what you can tell about someone in 30 seconds or less

How are they dressed? Where they shop? What image they are trying to project?

How is there body? In shape? Not? What is emphasized? What is hidden?

Hair cut? Lotion? Scent?

How are their nails? Bitten? Cut? Manicured?

Posture? Good? Bad? Body Language? Facial expressions?

Tone and pitch? Word choice? Hand shake? The space between you?

The infamous first impression waiting to betray us....our fears, desires, anxiety all packaged for the world to see..wrapped in a bow we hope the owners will be gentle in opening.

Or a bow we make so outrageous so hideous no one wishes to untie us...

What does your impression betray about you?

Nice to Meet You?

I hate saying this when I first meet someone. "It is nice to meet you." It's so presumptuous. Really I am not sure if it is "nice" to meet you or if I am "glad" to meet you. You could turn out to be a pile of shit like a thousand people I have already met...in fact chances are you will. So lets just see how this night goes and I will get back to you on that.

Chances are you are really wanting to say....

"I am annoyed to meet you and despise having to get your approval."

"I am happy to get the chance to kiss your ass for some left over scraps before I try to topple you."

"I am hesitant to meet you and have you laugh at my penis size."

"I am glad I am getting the chance to talk with you and hopefully sleep with you."

"I want to know\suck-up to you so you can maybe get me a job or do favor for me in the future."


"Its nice to meet you." also rings with ulterior motive why is it nice to meet me? What do you want? You been waiting for this for a while? What have you heard? (Sometimes I do that exact rant to people and it freaks them out and it is pretty funny..lol)

I wounder how many friends we would really have if every bodies motives were known...

It is nice to meet you? I don't think so..

Random X5 = Y-3

Live from Muffy...

Five Awesomely Random Things About Me

1.) I make the best beer cheese soup in the world and yet I am lactose intolerant and don't eat it.

2.) I have had two plastic surgeries on my nose after baseball bat decided that it wanted to pummel my face and even after two drilling explorations I still cant breathe through my right nostril and I snore like a chainsaw.

3.) One of the greatest gifts I ever received was a set of cocktails bought for me by a bar tender who knew I had no way to pay for them. It was this moment of kindness when I was at my lowest point of my life that I will remember forever. There was no shame in his gift only understanding and I wept on the way home from the bar.

4.) My iGoogle background theme is set to beach. I am a big fan of iGoogle it organizes all of the blogs I read through the viewer, my gmail and a ton of other stuff all into a single dashboard view it is amazing.

5.) I actually like the cold the windshield here was -11 this morning and it was glorious. It makes you appreciate warmth kind of like hunger and poverty make you appreciate simple things that you take for granted.

On The Road #23423

I see it speeding up in my rear view mirror a big red dodge Durango.
Weaving in and out of traffic. Making no friends as he climbs his car four lengths ahead of the rest of the flow on this latter to no where. I can see his animated anger as I sit behind him and watch him try to will with his violence an opening in the rush hour collapse. His patriot plates, fox sticker and Jesus fish flashing all the wrong messages. It would be sad if it wasn't so cliché. He runs a red light that gives him room to open up and he is no doubt happy about his good fortune. This is about the time I wish I had purchased the optional rocket launcher for my car. My contempt visible in a flash of explosives. But then I realized I was a little jealous of his will, his drive, my own admit of defeat. I can't believe this asshole made me feel despair because I wanted to be more like him....

Just in Time For The Holidays

Since we are about 30 days out to the holidays here is a nice tip to stretch your liquor budget and add some holiday cheer or to get your self drunk and leave a bottle left as a gift for someone else.


Home Made Kahlua

What you need...

2 ounces instant coffee crystals
4 cups hot water
4 cups granulated sugar
750 ml vodka (just the cheap stuff)
1 vanilla bean (Can use a teaspoon of extract but the beans taste better)
2 Empty wine bottles and 2 vacuum tops or those bottle stoppers you get at the grocery store.

How to do it?

1.) Dissolve the coffee crystals in one cup of the water.

2.)Bring the remaining water to a boil and dissolve the sugar in it.

3.)Add the coffee to the sugar solution and heat almost to a boil.

4.) Remove from heat and let cool for five minutes. (If you are using extract instead of vanilla beans pour the extract in now and stir)(Note do not put the vodka in while the mixture is boiling or your booze will evaporate)

5.) Add the alcohol and decant into dark containers (this makes 7-8 cups; a fifth (750 mL) is just over 3 cups, so about 2 1/2 750 mL bottles- or just double it, make 5 bottles, and give some gift bottles).

6.)Break the bean into several pieces and divide between the bottles.

7.)Seal the bottles tightly and let them stand for 20-30 days preferably in a cool dark place before serving.

They have cute little wine bottle labels for cheap at Archive rs if you want to dress the bottle up for a gift.

Open serve on the rocks for a nice treat.

Scratch

Starting over from scratch is not as bad as it seems. It is a chance to go in new directions with lessons learns.

It has been a long time since I have sat at the key board feeling its familar keys depress below my fingers. Like driving a car when you haven't even been in a car for a month. I miss it and I miss you guys. I will try to get around to all of you blogs today but since my inbox is super full it might take a bit.

Hope everyone had a great holiday and you were all with me even if Verison reception was not.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am taking off for a few days....so I want to wish all of you a great weekend:)

I am thankful for so many wonderful friendships and people I have met here:)

Tease

Beer is like a lap dance just enough to turn you on but not enough to finish you off.

Dream Land

It was one of those nights where you dream you are caught in a spider web and this massive spider is coming to eat you and you wake up on the floor wrapped so tight in your blankets that you can barley move... screaming.

Unsettling

I can think of few things more unsettling then seeing a pubic hair on the toilet seat knowing that you have to sit down on it.

We all have them...

We all know there has been countless dropped on every seat..

But it is someone elses..

And for some reason requires me to shower afterward

Peace be With You

I went down to the Corner Bar on Saturday to watch the Gopher\Badger game with a group of friends who were in town. Wanting to be responsible I pulled into the cheap lots and asked the attendant if it was ok to leave my car overnight. He said yes and directed me to a "special" spot where I would not be towed.

I pulled in next two a building and without a further thought abandoned my car and went to meet my friends.

Returning Sunday morning I found my car blocked in on all sides...4 cars surrounding myself....4 cars...the only cars in the whole lot...were circling my car...

fuck...fuck...fuck..

I went into the only building the only building to which the cars could have belonged and it was a mission outreach building and there were a few people getting ready for Sunday service. I inquired if they knew who's cars were in the lot and if I could have one of them move one so I could get out.

It got real quiet...

The director appeared and stated simply, "I wanted to get a look at the son of bitch who thought he could park in my spot."

I would have thought it was a joke if another one of the other missionary's didn't have to step in between us and start telling him to cool down as he launched into a verbal triad of which the likes I have never seen before.

I am glad cooler heads prevailed and some of the men did move their cars and let me out..

As I was pulling out he was banging on a sign that Said Mission Director Parking. It was quite a sight, "I simply rolled down my window and said "Peace Be With You" As I pulled away. I could actually see him jumping up and down in my rear view mirror in anger...

Hate Crimes

Aren't all crimes hate crimes? Whether committed because you hate other people. Hate your living situation. Hate being poor. Hate being weak. Hate having to go without. Hate being bored.

Tagged - Seven Random Things About Me

Got this from Life of a Valley Girl..

1.) I read post secret every week and this week one was about liking the smell of your pee after you drink coffee...so I drank a bunch of coffee and waited to pee to see what it smelled like

2.) I liked it

3.) I hate the Hills, the Real Housewives of Orange County or any other show where I am forced to watch and admire regular people because they are rich and have big boobs...they make me want to vomit

4.)I have two cats Alfie and Stoli

5.) Tonight I am doing a blind tasting for Vodkas and I am kind of nervous about it.

6.)I read a book a week, I just finished a class on Organizational Behavior last night. I don't like to celebrate holidays, I don't like going to the Mall and I am good at paper scissors rock...we will let that roll into one since some of you know somethings and others know others.

7.) I am making a pan of tator tot hotdish for dinner tonight:)

Magic Little Boat

Question of the Day

You have been given a magical boat that will survive the apoloclpse.

The catch is this boat can only hold 6 pairs of creatures and two shoeboxes.

Everything on the earth will be destroyed when you emerge from this boat. Only what was in the boat will be left to restart the earth which has been reduced to rock, dirt and water.

There are no animals, no trees, crops or grass not even bugs survived.

Only the six pairs of creatues on the boat and the two shoe boxes and there contents are left.

What are the six creatues you place on the boat?

What did you put in the shoe boxes?

Assume the boat is made of food and you can eat and live off the boat for one year.

Assuming you could bring the world back to new life what would you do different?

I will post my answer this afternoon

BNN Special Report

Weather:
The wind is aggressive in its pursuit today
Like a hungry pickpocket trying to take your warmth


Local News:
Jimmy Johns was busier then usual at lunch today and much to my embarrassment a number 5 with "pep" has risen in price from $5.03 to $5.08. I was spared the humility of trying to slide on the nickel I was off by a rather pleasant lady in a grey jacket who smelled reminiscent of mothballs and whisky but I was in no position to judge and she had a pleasant smile and a gentle hands.

In Other Local News:
I didn't utter a single word from 1:21 to 3:56 today.

Tonight's Winning Lottery Numbers:
Where not on my fucking ticket

Traffic:
A green late model Ford was honked at by a tan mini-van on the corner of 66th and Lyndale after failing to begin moving as soon as the light turned green. The women in the white mini-van had several bouncing children in the back that I am thankful I couldn't hear. My source speculates that this driver may need a drink later in the evening.

Science:
If you ever watch a tree change colors in the fall you will notice that the leaf starts to die at its extremities. Changing colors till it reaches its stem and its cycle of life complete it falls to the ground. Just like you and your erectile dysfunction, shacking cold hands and feet. The tip of your nose that has seen too many winters and winds. Trees in the rainforest last longer, they are waxy and monstrous. I wonder if science helps us live longer if we will become waxy too collagen lumps of fat and tissue spare parts in our freezers waiting for a kidney to fail. I wonder what we will look like. I wonder how the value of life would change if we all lived to be 300. Would we value the world more, be more enviromental if we knew we would live to see the outcome?

Opt Ed:
In reflection of my pending 30th birthday and the realization that this ride is half way over I sat on a bench next to an old woman waiting for a bus. I asked her if life was like a basketball game where the fourth quarter was the most exciting or if the best part of the game was truly over. She said, "Get away from me." I decided to to just that since I noticed she has a stick of mace and looked like she knew how to use it.

My Style

My style is....

eclectic - used - worn - comfortable - preppy - clean

I like to look like an impoverished college educated failed writer who has lots of nice watches and shoes hinting that he might have had some money some time in the recent past but by the looks of him he is just over the hump where he can barley pull it off any more...

I like to dress this up a bit with an expanding beer belly and a slight fragrance of stale smoke.

Tagged...Well Sort of....

Since Mags left this a free for all and I was bored I decided to go for it....

4 Dishes I Like to Cook:
1. Chili
2. Gumbo
3. Tator-tot Hot dish
4. Mile High Nachos

4 Qualities I Love in People:
1. Sense of Humor
2. Intelligence
3. Playfulness
4. Creativity

4 Places I Have Been:
1. Mexico
2. England
3. Spain
4. Iceland

4 Things In My Room:
1. Lavender Linen Spray
2. Tons of Pillows
3. Paddle and Whip
4. White Lamp

4 Dirty Words I Like:
1. Fuck
2. Sweet baby Jesus in your golden manger thanks for this vodka redbull
3. Cunty
4. Failed whore bitch

I will also leave this as a free for all open to who ever wants to get tagged...

Golden Ticket

Life is like a big lottery ticket with just enough winners to entice you to keep playing but never enough that you are actually going to get ahead.

This Blogs Reading Level

Get a Cash Advance

I would have thought a post about eating poop would take me down in the rankings but I was wrong..lol

Seconds

You reach into the bowl past the reminites of last nights salad floating and still recognizable like decayed green sails in still water.
You grab a hold if it with your bare hands.
It is firmer then you thought and cool in a way that puzzles you a little bit.
You would think that something that was just in your body would be warmer but that water was real cold.
You clench it in your fist and it turns to mush in your hand right before you throw your sink at the rest room mirror.
A self portrait.
Picture by numbers using just one color.
You must have had corn last night you think as little yellow pellets slide down and out of the lump on the mirror.
I wonder if it still tastes like corn you think as you disappear into the kitchen and return with a plate.
Laughing and crying as you scrape the lumps into a pile destined for the microwave.
Your transformation into a beast waiting on the timer to run its course.
Burning shit has a way of working its way into your walls into the molecules of the paint.
No scrubbing of it will ever persuade anyone that anything but an animal ever lived here.
A smell that will go on long after anything else I will have ever created.
Long after I have forgotten this taste in my mouth.
I will remember I would rather have these seconds, then ever be together again with you.

** found this one in a drawer when I was cleaning yesterday and it made me chuckle..lol It also made me wonder if anyone has ever done a seventh generation hot carl..lol

Objects in Contexts

For example I love water. Water is good. It is refreshing. It is life. In and of itself water is perfect.

However the context of which you are given the water will dictate how you feel about the water and the person giving you a glass.

Picture the following scenarios and imaging how you would feel about the water.

You are in the desert and dying of thirst.
You have just run a long race.
You are dirty and haven't had a bath in a month and you get handed a 16oz glass of water.
It has been raining for 40 days and you are soaked, your roof is leaking and it isn't going to be stopping anytime soon.
You are drownding in the middle of a lake.

Same object different contexts. Without the object in context you can not judge the reaction.

Minute Pause

I turn into traffic, my ass still warm from an all too familiar bar stool.
I enter the flow of cars like a needle in a collapsing vain.
I am a dirty needle in a haystack waiting to be stepped on.
My BAC diluted in the crowd of suits and cells phone of people returning home from work.
Their chatter echoing off the windows of their new cars on the way home to where ever people go who are not from here.
Grasses is always greener on the other side of the interstate.
Looking over what could have been, crying at a red light.

For Some Reason I Already Knew That

Todays Clicks....

Does anyone else see the humor and irony that a suburban mall broke the record for the most zombies?

Largest gathering of zombies
The largest gathering of zombies involved 894 participants at Monroeville Mall, Monroeville, Pennsylvania, United States on 29 October 2006.


Since technically Zombies don't exist really they just broke the record for the most people with painted faces grunting in a single area at one time...apparently they have never been to the Bunny Ranch.

Prohibition Returns
Teetotaling do-gooders attack your right to drink, by David Harsanyi

Men and Women
Why men and women argue differently

Finally things that are beyond frustrating....Part 6

1.) Having cigarettes but no lighter.

2.) Your cash card wearing out and having to wait five days for a replacement

3.) Seeing a really good deal on something you have wanted forever and you still can't afford it.

Water Boading

How can this not be considered torture?

Read the Lines then Read Between Them

A book is like a marathon for the mind. It feels good to start and finish reading a book especially a great book. Every time you finish it gives you that little sense of self efficiency. The confidence that you can finish what you start unfortunately this is usually a negative total for be for I should be doing much more important things then consuming my life within a literary wonderland but I digress.

This simple skill is probably the most under used...the muscle that deteriorates when not worked out is your brain...

I miss the POS Book club...Rocket why did you have to move?

Cocktail for the Ill

Cocktail for the Ill.

The Stinger

2oz Brandy
1oz creme de menthe

Shaker with ice into a chilled cocktail glass or shaken over shaved ice in a lowball.

It is the best over the counter medicine you can get

The Worlds a Stage

If all the world is a stage I have definitely been cast in a drama and not even a good one at that.

Things I learned this weekend...

1.) If you think you know how hard life is and what is in your meat....read The Jungle and think again.

2.) Lights Out with Lucky is good. Thanks for the great show and plug :)

3.) You never realize your routine until you have to divert from it because the city shuts down the freeway entrances and exits to your house but then it gives you a chance to see something you would have missed.

4.) I don't like Tom Brady I wish Manning would have whooped him down yesterday.

5.) It is had to get a good job when you have shitty credit :(

Red Dawn

After feeling the on set of a cold coming I decided to play it easy and retire to bed and watch a few movies. I pulled out one of my favorite movies growing up Red Dawn. The premise is that the US is invaded by communists and taken over. A band of high school students fleas the raid and conducts a war against the invaders from the mountains.

I couldn't help but notice a parallel for our current situation in Iraq. Say for example China decided to invade the US and reform the entire country to communism.

Would you become a "terrorist" to fight them? Plant IED's on the side of the road? Harbor other Americans who are fighting the oppressors? Now there is a certain fraction of people in the US who consider communism the way to go. China would put them on the news and say look we are giving the people what they want. But would most Americans ever stop fighting the invaders? How many years would we fight them? Would we ever just give in? Do you think the people of Iraq ever will?

Beep Beep

Just an FYI Car Horns in the U.S are set to blow at F Sharp

Ten Things That Scare Me

10.) Little People with Big Hands

9.) Being poor

8.) Being alone forever

7.) Spinney Rides

6.) Loud Aggressive Drunks

5.)Being Chased by Wolves

4.) Bacteria and Viruses

3.) Mitt Romney

2.) The Truly Devote

1.) City Rats

Happy Samhain :)

Survival of the Not The Slowest

Confession:

Sometimes when I am in my car I pretend I am a gazelle and running with a heard keeping a look out for the lion that picks off the driver going just over the limit. Watching for the score of break lights ahead telling of danger in the high grass of the over pass.

When ever I watch a police chase on TV I can't shake the fact that it reminds me of a pack of wolves hunting their prey inflicting little damage here and there until it just collapses in exhaustion. While vultures and scavengers fly above waiting for the carcass to drop.. cheering for the wolves to give them their next meal.

I am a vulture watching....chilling isn't it.

I'm Back:)

Wait you didn't even know I was gone did you? Went on an excursion this weekend to Milwaukee and Madison. There is nothing quite like Badger homecoming mixed with Halloween on State Street.


On the bottom of this site is some photos from this year under the slide shows.

My favorite team costume this year was a group that went as the Royal Tenunbombs (sp)

Ignorance is Bliss

I was listening to a story told by my professor in class tonight about how he assumed control of a large family company at the ripe old age of 25. He said "ignorance is bliss."

I started to think about that after I left. I wonder if that is why young people accomplish so much more then older people. They haven't learned how hard it is. They don't know what to expect so they try anything. They just go for it. Nothing can not be accomplished.

It left me with a thought that sent chills down my spine....

Have I experienced too much, learned to much, thought to much that I will never achieve anything of consequence?

Have I touched the pot of life and been burned too many times that I will never pick it up again?

Am I obsolete at 30?

Am I at a disadvantage because I can attest to most of this list?

Fair Weather Party People

Fair Weather Party People Ruin Holidays

One thing I am thankful for is that I am comfortable with who I am, with what I desire. I don't need an excuse to act out my fetish's. To dress up my inner whore. To celebrate life at happy hour so completely that I forget parts of the night.

As a kid I loved Halloween, New Years, Christmas. But now the thought of going out on these commericalized rituals makes me sick.

Stuck in a room with fair weather party people. Excited that they passed a non-smoking bill cleaning the air of someplace they frequent once a year. You know the kind they only go out for drinks on Holidays. They are rude. They snap their fingers at bar tenders or worse shake them in the air clanging ice around in a lowball. They flock to the good spots so they have a nice story to tell at the office the next day. A new picture to add to a dusty album that sits in a corner to remind them that their crappy big box suburban life hasn't been a complete waste. Pictures that come out as leverage in divorce trails and custody battles. Jim can't have the kids looks at how drunk he was last New Years. They break out tip calculators and make it impossible to get a drink or a spot to sit.

I feel saddened that I let these people intrude on my good time, but due to the annoyance that they bring I just can't help it. It is why I have taken to celebrating these holidays outside of the main steam and inside of rituals created by my small tribe of friends.

The only two holidays I like going out on anymore are not really holidays. Christmas Eve and the night before Thanksgiving. The fair weather party crowd is at home making sure napkins are rolled correctly and little Timmy's ribbons on his presents from Santa are perfect. Leaving the bar seats open for my kind of people. Deep lines in their face. Stress built up by the shoulders. People from other cultures...people who are alone. People who understand. People who need a drink.

While some people find this sad I find it utterly refreshing. I have had some of my greatest nights on these holidays. A sense of rebellion in the air. A feeling of humanity. A bond that can only be forged through the hardships of loneliness, poverty and sadness. Self awareness just below the surface of a whiskey sour that I didn't have to wait in line and pay a cover for.

Park Avenue Leads to Squid Row

Squid Row Bar Playa Del Carmen Mexico - Working on my Skin Cancer and Liver Deterioration(March 2007)




Life is hard when you are a gangster...

And in case you are wondering yes I climbed in that cage and danced for drinks.

Recommendation: The World Without Us

Recommendation: The World Without Us by Alan Weisman
Even days after I have finished reading this I can still not get the images described out of my head. It is there whenever I look at a house or building, it is there at the gas station and when I pick up anything plastic.

This book went off like an atom bomb in my mind that is leaking radioactive rays into my life's reality. One of ways that I use to judge a book is how vivid my dreams are after I am done reading it, this one has been off the charts.

It is a monument to the fallacy of man, to our arrogance, to the little blue dot we call home. It is a meme that is capable of changing the world and I would like to invite all of you to take a look.

The only downside on it from a research standpoint was that it didn't have very clear notation to follow how some of the material was collected, used and sited.

Aside from that it was one of the best I have read in a while.

Containment?

I have been following the fires closely and I think it is just gut wrenching. My heart goes out to those people in Southern California.

I was left baffled and doing calculations on my lunch napkin though after listening to the fire chiefs talk of containment.

I have taken several college and graduate level statistics classes and I am still unable to determine how they are arriving at the figures for fire containment in Southern California.

This fire is 5% contained or this on is 20% contained?

My theory I guess would be that a moving fire in a straight wind trajectory as in this case would always half to be + 50% contained since fires do not move backwards on a windy day and it is extremely difficult to re-burn what has already been burned.

If you envision the fire can move any direction in a 180 degrees, but if the wind is blowing it is unable to move in 360 degrees. Even if the wind suddenly changed course there is still the radius that has already burned?

What am I missing? How can it be 5% contained?

Push it Real Good

An interesting argument was brewing on MPR that I thought needed a definitive weigh in this morning. Apparently teen pregnancy, abortions and STD's are down a staggering 65% since 1999. The show featured two counter points one from Planned Parenthood and one from the Christian Coalition. The Planned Parenthood rep. was arguing the drop is coming from the increased availability of contraceptives for teenagers such as birth control and condoms while the Christian Coalition rep. was arguing that abstinence programs were working and should be expanded.

What do you think is the cause? Both?

Personally I think it probably has to do more with increased availability of supplies for sex, I seem to remember being very horny back then and I don't think too much has changed, but then again we are in Jesus land...

Dripping with Lies

Ponder Question.

Does the existence of lies mean that our moral code and societal norms are at odds with the true nature of our existence?

Does our society make us lie? or at the very least create the fertile soil for deception?

If our moral code and societal norms were more in line with the selfish gene theory I wonder if there would be less lies....

Video of a Memory

Recorded in the Recesses of Brian's Brain this 19th day of October:

Gold and crimson leaves circle in flowing water before vanishing down the storm drains of this now deserted street. Rain drops mixing with oil creating greasy rainbows that reconstitute with every drop in this downpour. A three dimensional psychedelic show as mans influence is cleansed from the street. I stand on a curb that while only a few inches above the payment creates a sensation that I am much higher. Perched on a cliff over looking something spectacular. While I feel feel the rain streaming down my face I don't feel wet. Not in the way you do when your clothes are soaked. My skin is a water barrier. A flesh umbrella. I am suddenly aware of the fact that rain is nature flushing its earths toilet. Like a piece of gum or cigarette butt I am to big to fit in the slits of this urinal. Someone will have to remove me.

I smile and look up towards the clouds.

A black car passes.

A light changes.

Someone in the distance honks.

New Study

Thought this was funny...


A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned at this time.

Slience Thru Noise

Imagine turning on one radio in your room
Crank it
Now add the TV
The Blender
The Vacuum
The Fog Horn
Some one screaming
Talking
Phone ringing
Door bell
Dinners ready
Beeping

There comes a point when all of the noise of life overwhelms your senses and despite all of the sound you hear a beautiful silence.

You can no longer hear anything

You have transcended sound

It is pretty cool...although I will warn you if you repeat this experiment too many times you will go deaf

Stress is

Stress is half the people double the cigarette butts.

Come on Truth

In my thinking one of the fundamental elements of truth is that it should be able to stand up to criticism and debate.

Al-Qaida doesn't seem to feel the same way. Bounty put on the head of cartoonist.

Reminds me of the same threats that were put on Salman Rushdie after he published the Satanic Verses. A great book if you are looking for something to read...it took me a while to get into it but once I was in I was hooked by his imagery.

Tiny Little Dancer

What way is the dancer turning?



I see it going clockwise although I would say the list of counter clockwise better applies...maybe I am not who I think I am?

Appreciation

In this life I have gone from a person who had nothing to a person who had anything they wanted back to a person who has nothing.

My flight on wax wings has taught me a little.

1.) Appreciate what you have.

2.) Don't strive for things, strive for experiences for atlas they can never be taken.

3.) I can and will survive and come back from any hardship this life can dish.

4.) I would rather have an understanding loving caring woman then ten million dollars

5.) You never have as many friends as you think

6.) People will surprise you with their generosity if you let them

and I am going to party and enjoy life whether it is going up or down.

Public Service Announcement

On Urine Testing:

Many people fail to realize that there are two types of urine testing

1.) Doctor testing during your physical

2.) Request for drug screening

It is important to note there there are differences in how you should take these tests that people are not aware of. During a test at your doctor you should make sure to collect the first few drops of urine in the sample. If you fail to collect the first few drops chances are you will test negative for certain things such as chlamydia even though you are positive for the disease. Certain STD's and infections are only present in your urethra for the first few drops.

For a drug screening for those of you who are worried you should pass the first portion of your urine into the toilet and start collecting mid piss.

People who do the drug screening piss for their doctor are cheating themselves and the people they come in contact with who think that they have a clean bill of health as they are giving themselves a false negative.

Just something to think about before you give your next sample.

Please be responsible in your STD testing, if you are having sex you owe it to yourself and your partners to get checked regularly.

Blood Cells

A startling revelation came over me this weekend that perhaps I am a single blood cell of a larger organism. The roads and walkways arteries that move me from one tissue to the next. Society is a mere organ of a larger organism.

Maybe we are meant to destroy the word...like a herd of termites that eat away a tree until it decays in the natural order of things. All this metal and rock we pull to the surface necessary for deeper irrigation of the earth like a hoard of five finger bi-pedal ants. Depositing materials on the surface that some next generation of species will need for evolution.

Perspective

I use a rather crude method of comparison when looking at tragedy or product recalls or medical trials.


Every year in the United States for the last 20 years we have averaged around 400 deaths per year from Aspirin. (Taken as directed)

Here is a product that can be purchased over the counter, that helps millions of people everyday and yet for one person who takes it every day in this country it is fatal. We love aspirin. We know its usefulness. There are no lawsuits. No protests to have it removed from the shelves.

I wonder why we have different standards for other drugs? Even though they could save people whose illness is much more severe then a headache. 10 people die and a glaucoma drug is removed from the market. 10 people get the runs from some undercooked meat and 12 million pounds are pulled from the shelves of stores.

We then sue companies for our own ignorance. Because we expect that it is other peoples jobs to keep us safe. To make sure that our lives are wrapped in bubble tape and everything I ingest is bland, radiated, inspected.

It might seem callous to say if 400 people haven't died from it don't raise a fuss because in reality it is probably safer for the general public then aspirin.

It does suck if you are one of the 400 but isn't there a certain point when individuals must sacrifice for the whole?

Signature Pose

I amways seem to be doing these weird things with my hands, but what can I say I am animated.

"The secret of success in conversation is to be able to disagree without being disagreeable”

Words of Wisdom

"Consumer Capitalism Economics is really just a big chain letter or pyramid scheme and we all know how those end usually in the trash or with someone in jail."

"Women are like books some of them you can only read once and you put on the shelf never to pick up again, some you read the first page and nothing more but there are magical ones you can read over and over again and it always feels like a different book."
"Brian, are you drunk?"
"Yes"
"Well I guess you are making sense then"

Gutters

"We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde

Some of us pretend we aren't - Like republicans and Catholics (That's a joke people)

Some us play non-stop in the filth and love it

Some of us ignore it and are indifferent to it

Some of try to explain the gutter and make it better then it is

I wonder why sometimes we hide from that which we desire. Deny the very passion of existence.

How to you go after your desires? Do you go after them?

Take One

Here is a skit I would like to do for a TV segment:

Show up at the local dive bar dressed in a tux with a microphone and camera and a little patch of red carpet. Then ask the patrons as they entered who they are wearing...

Then I would like to have a star in a cage wearing an expensive gown and watch the crowd tear it to pieces and then tear her to pieces. However I think I might have a hard time getting a permit for that.

Footsteps of the Masters

"Don't follow in the footsteps of the masters. Instead seek what they sought."


If our trail ends at this book then all is over.
All that is worth discovering has already been uncovered.
There is no point to look further for the answer of life has been transmitted to you in paperback edition.
Our world ended 2000 years ago.
Our need for growth, our spirit of change finalized upon camel skin and papyrus in a desert to the east.
Our life's meaning reduced to 70 year take home final.
You better study.
Walk in these footsteps or burn.
One two one two turn.

It would take a mere lifetime for anyone to even begin to understand this books meaning and unlock its secrets...like a puzzle or set of Chinese handcuffs to shackle your mind...blinders for a horse made to walk on a grooved path.

I do not attempt to state I know a answer, but I do know that you could also spend a lifetime studying the dung beetle and never unlock all of its secrets. I also know that life is bigger then the dung beetle and bigger then this book.

Perhaps the meaning of life really is just to give life meaning.

And we only differ so much as we define what meaning means.

Altruistic Roadblock

Inevitably every discussion I enter on the topic of religion as a evangelical atheist comes back the the point of ethics and virtue.

"How can you be an altruistic person of virtue without belief in the almighty? Society would go to pieces and we would all be unkind and mean."

I also find it interesting that people are more receptive to my selfish hedonist argument when stated in terms of deriving happiness instead of pleasure. For some reason pleasure in our society is considered a sin and conjours images of orgies and greed but happiness is considered a virtue and I would defy any of you to define the difference between the two.

But I digress I worry not of the fate of society because I believe that altruism is itself governed by hedonism and game theory.

And while I believe events are equally controlled by both of those things I try not to evoke the game theory argument for two reasons one people often dismiss it as rational and when dealing with religion rational arguments don't work as well for most believers and two it is a little more complex and it easily loses some of the audience. For that reason I appeal to the emotional side of the argument using hedonism and selfish drive to explain why the world will not unravels and go to dark side without religion.

Logic statement: Hedonism is doing that which derives happiness and makes us feel good. Helping people feels good.

Think about a time that you helped someone. Gave that homeless guy a five spot. Donated blood or brought in food for a shelter..... It felt good didn't it? Even if you didn't wear the sticker after you gave blood, or tell anyone about what you did....it felt good...admit it. It dare I say derived you some pleasure.

I wonder why we have such a hard time with the concept of helping people because it makes us feel good. To say that is to invoke the evil word of selfishness a word from the the time we are very little is taught as taboo.

I will get the argument back often I do it cause it is the right thing to do. Can't it be the right thing because it feels good?

Or without religion how do we know what is good to do so that we can feel good doing it? The answer to that is a little harder since we often surround ourselves with people like us....but if you look you will find non-believers doing the same thing that makes us feel good but this side of the argument is game theory and better had in person.

Remember if you go to church cause it makes you feel better...you are hedonist and we should not even be arguing.

Pined

It has occurred to me recently that there is a leadership style that is remarkably like a pine tree.

It never changes regardless of the weather(market)

It drops acidic needles under it so that nothing below it can grow or develop stifling change.

It is sappy when it needs to be and people think it is endearing until you realize it is merely a self defense mechanism and you have a sticky load all over your face.

When a big fire comes it drops its seeds and soon the whole forest looks the same and no diversity exists.

It only thinks inside the pine box.

(Ok maybe it is a little stretch but I would with all rights reserved like to be the first to also mention pine solved for the problem solving method of this leader to describe how no matter how many sweet lemons it uses to describe its plan it still smells like shit.)

Dilemma

Dilemma, from one of my favorite books, Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham if you haven't read it you should.

"He had pondered for twenty years the problem whether he loved liquor because it made him talk or whether he loved conversation because it made him thirsty."



Thanks for bending your mind with Brian in Minneapolis

BNN

New Today According to Brian

"Reporting what is going on in my corner of the world for 29 years."

Traffic Report: Lighter then usual even for a a Friday. Although a white Jeep was seen going slightly over the posted speed limit in the vicinity of 77th and Nicollet.

Weather Report: Raining consistently and cloudy at the moment but warm enough for a tee shirt.

Local News: A woman was observed boarding a bus this morning and although she was woefully undressed for the rain and quite wet, she had a tremendous smile on her face as she talked on her cell phone.

In other news: Somewhere in my general proximity there is a slight humming sound.

This has been a BNN Special Report

(This is one of the special things I love about blogging and reading peoples blogs you get more real news, you see the little events that cause happiness everywhere. You realize that billions of events happen all over the world and most of them are good. It restores my passion for humanity after I read the real CNN.)

The Cars that Go Boom

I was watching a show I had on Tivo about barbarians last night. They used to beat drums and scream to try to intimidate larger occupying forces.

I stepped outside last night after it was over to smoke in the autumn wind and a car with bass blasting rolled down my street.

I couldn't help but wonder if there was some correlation.

Am I witnessing a modern version of something we have done since the beginning of our time?

A noise that had be heard because the alternative was to silently let yourself become erased from existence.

Are car stereos an act of rebellion or did I just drink to much wine?

Who's side am I on in that rebellion?

I have always found the noise irritating but maybe I have just been missing the point.

Maybe in my quest to not be bothered with anything I have silenced the noise of life. The noise that says we were here....We mattered....We didn't go quietly to the slaughter...

For the guy with the Harley muffler, the G- with the speakers, the teenager with angry noise pouring from your speakers Thank-you. Not cause your cool. Not cause you are right....but because you reminded me to listen to the sounds of the forgotten.

The sounds of possibility, hopelessness, pain, ostracism, alienation, rebellion..of change.

The kind of sounds we don't talk about. The vulgar ones we shush. That we punish.

Tonight I listened and heard.

This Dream

Last night somewhere in my slumber I entered a house. It was a house that I knew. It was my grandparents house on lake Florida in Minnesota and there were a ton of people there and we were all talking and laughing and carrying on. After a while my Dad came in and told us it was time for bed and eight of us went into the back room and were laughing after lights out and playing like we were kids. As I laid in the bunk bed in my dream I began to realize that everyone that was in that house was someone I knew who had died. I started to yell to my friends and ask them if I was dead too but they just rolled over and disappeared. I ran to the garage to try to stop my dad from getting in the car and leaving, but he had already left and I knew I would never see him again.

I was alone in the house not sure if I was dead or alive. I walked out to the door and saw two figures down by the lake. I walked down the hill to greet them by the lake. The lawn wasn't grass but millions of garter snakes that moved over my bare feet. When I came up to them they were standing shoulder to shoulder in black robes and they parted so I could come between them. I couldn't see their faces but I could smell them and it was familiar. They didn't talk, they just pointed to the lake and I bend over and peered in. I don't remember exactly what I saw but I bolted awake in real life both sweating and with the chills.

And I had this feeling in my heart that someone I know is going to die.

Why Work When You Can Surf

Today's Website - Our Wicked Weighs - By EC:) If you have ever struggled with weight loss or are looking to get healthy in a humorous supportive environment check this out.

Today's Horoscope via the Onion. As a Capricorn and OCD member I found today's extremely funny:)


Today's Article - Neuroscience and Fundamentalism

The Brow Problem

I have a problem with the brow distinctions....

Highbrow

Middlebrow

Lowbrow


Who defines this crap....

If you can not see the beauty, artistry, symbolism and appreciation of female mud wrestling I don't think makes you better then me or more cultivated then me. Art is vulgar, life is muddy get some on you. I think any true intellect can see the wonder of the world, the symphony of life without front row tickets to the met...or a Harvard education. That is why I enjoy browbeating...

I Want to See You With My Own Eyes

Question of the day:

Yesterday an amazing event occurred in human history two massive solar objects were sent hurtling towards earth and simultaneously exploded over the northern and southern hemispheres. The flash of light was so bright that it burned the cornea's of every person on the planet causing permanent blindness. A secondary explosion released a burst of frequency radiation that targeted every zygote on the planet destroying the gene for vision. No man alive would every be able to produce a child with sight. By a random coincidence you were in a lead surrounded room and neither of these events effected you...you are the only person left on the planet with sight and the only man alive who can produce children with vision.

What would this sudden blindness due to civilization?

What would you do with your now super power vision of sight?

Things I Have Been Poundering

1.) Can a person who grows up poor ever be a true idealist? I have never met one...

2.) When we go to a cashless society how will that effect people who pan handle for money?

3.) What will crime look like in a cashless society? Will it increase or decrease?

4.) Will drug trafficking move to the barter system if no one uses cash anymore? What would I barter?

5.) Who will be on my death pool for next year?

6.) How come some sports make it in some cultures and some don't? Why is football so much bigger then rugby in the U.S? Or racquetball considered more masculine then tennis? I would love to do a matrix one day of every sport and where it is played and where it isn't and analyze why and what that says about the culture but for now I will just keep it to ideas in my head.

7.) How different would the world be and civilization if we lacked the natural resources on this planet to make metal or concrete? How would we travel? What would our transportation look like? Our homes?


Have a great weekend:)

Today

Today is a beautiful day in the city of Minneapolis and I am eagerly waiting the arrival of a happy hour. Sitting outside on a patio in the early Autumn heat smoking a cigarette and tipping back a drink with my co-workers.

In other news today......it is Critical Mass and truthfully while I can appreciate the movement the last thing I want on Friday is sitting in a traffic jam caused by some punk little shit kid who has no idea what life is all about.

Internet cut in Myanmar This type of control to cut off all aspects of information flowing in and out of a place not to mention manipulating data before it reaches it source is one of my primary concerns for City and State wi-fi control. Minneapolis has approved and is implementing City Wide Wi-Fi with access points controlled by the government.

Are Sacred Texts Sacred? the Challenge for Atheists.... "In many respects the bible was the first version of wikipeda." And where I publish as a scholar wikipeda is not a legitimate source

Michigan is Not That Far

Another creative business idea....Here

Creativity......In Business

We need to get creative people....think like THIS :)

Profits equal to selling cocaine but it is legal...well kind of.

Am I Dreaming?

I am on my third day of almost no sleep...you know the day when you start to hear stuff wierd and you mind plays tricks on you. The day where your life starts to become a dream and you don't know what is real.


I have this ticking clock over me....a bomb that is going to blow-up my life and it is coming down to the wire and I made peace with it this morning and I feel better.

And there(they'er) all made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same

Random Stuff

I think I am in love. Two Female ninjas rob store....

Went and saw buckets and tap not something I would normally do but they put on an awesome show down at the Lowry Theater....just what the doctor ordered some mindless entertainment to quell the brain waves. If you are around when they come visit your city I would highly recommend checking out some of Minneapolis's finest.


Weeds got wrapped up a little to neatly last night:(

Chuck....was not that good.(That is what passes for smart dialog? People who said that must not have cable)

That is all...

Stress Equations

I have come up with a simple formula to calculate stress. In essence it is the amount of expectations expected of you divided by your capacity to meet them.

Right now I am running severely negative.

So if I could get everybody to lower their expectations and someone to nominate me for a Nobel prize I will go on my merry way.

Cup

My cup has overflowed
I think I need to put a hole in it
Right at the top.


So I am exploring alternative career opportunities.

So far I have bus route planner and timer, A-list actor, parachute tester or dildo model.

Five Predictions for My Life Time

In my life time over the next 50 years if we remain on our current course I predict the following events will occur....


1.) The United States Becomes the Christian Version of Iran
How? The economy collapses causing people to fall back on religion this surge in religion forces out ground breaking research on genetics, bio-chemistry, robotics and computer science in a return to simpler times. The dogma snowballs as scientists leave and people become more fanatical causing further economic ruin.....welcome to the new dark ages.

2.) News Papers, Books, Cd's, DVDs and their brick and mortar selling points will disappear in favor of e-versions.
How? Refresh rates on e-book readers will reach clarity with books, online music will consume the industry and you will download the movies you want to rent as soon as wi-fi blankets the country. (Although I admit there will be second hand niche markets still around but they will be on par with antique shops rather then the Borders you see now)
Remember at some point in history someone said, "I just like my granite engraved slabs better, you can get them wet, they don't fade and they make nice decorations around the house....I will never use paper!."

3.) The government will cap CEO earnings at some times the rate of the lowest employee. This will lead to smaller organization with more highly skilled workers and widen the gap of the haves and have nots.

4.) Mexico and Canada will reach parity with the United States and we will form a North America coalition similar to the European Union.

5.) We will still be in Iraq as we are still in Korea
For some perspective as of this morning the cost of the war in Iraq was $424,551,825,458 Billion Dollars that is enough to buy every American with a Drivers License a $25,000 fuel cell car and still have $80 Billion dollars for research on alternative energy. (We wouldn't have to fight for oil)
It is enough to fund every proposal and grant requested for stem cell research and still pay Health Care for the entire country.

Instead of a War we could have solved the Health Care System, Sent Everyone to College, solved our Energy Crisis, Cured Disease been a leader in Bio-Chemistry in the World. Instead we can settle for images of our flag being spit on in every corner of the Globe.

Counterfeiting

"They are not going to change the one dollar bill because it is not worth it to counterfeiters to try to make it." -AA

Bullshit people will counterfeit everything they can. They are crafty. People counterfeit stamps that are only a fraction of a dollar. I have heard of people who go to Archievers and buy punch outs and stamps to get free car washes, get into clubs without paying cover, get out of paying tabs for your car. It is amazing what you can do with a sticker and sharpie.

I am almost positive that there is even a black market for subway stamps.

Everytime a company or the goverment creates a barrier, incentive, fee or charges a preimum they will also create a black market.

Take that and shove it in your knock-off Kate Spade bag and take it to the bank and see if they will cash it...

The whole world runs on trust and sorry hun you just don't have the face for it..


If you want to fool your classmates with a great authentic looking PH or degree then go online to find a fake college diploma. You can find fake diplomas or any type of  high school diploma.

Running

I remember running in my first real race. I was so confident, I had always done well in competitions at my school and thought I would be the one on the commercial breaking the tape at the finish line. I was a winner.


Somewhere during the race I realized something was wrong. I was running as fast as I could and people were passing me effortlessly. Soon I was in the bottom 25% watching the mass ahead of me enlarge their difference. I remember the despair I felt in that moment, the humiliation. I had tears streaming down my face masked by the sweat, wondering how my champion image could be so wrong.

If this was a made for TV movie this is where I would tell you how hard I trained for the next one, the struggle to best my opponents, obstacles overcome, my mentor shouting to keep going and try harder.

But my life is not a made for TV movie and I never raced again.

Jami

In memory of Jami Marks who would have turned 30 years old today.

Your friends still miss you.

I will never forget you, Sadie Hawkins, Homecomings, Snowball, smoking in the rose garden, the red Geo, your laugh, the balms you made, concerts at first ave and the talks shared.

Happy Birthday My Dear Friend

Being Different

The birch tree thought it was really cool for millions of years. Strikingly different from all the other trees...that is until someone realized that it is really soft wood and can easily be cut down, made into paper, canoes, beer....Now I bet it wishes it was like all the other trees plain and unassuming.

Oh Birch tree with no where in the forest to hide....this tear is for you.

Name that City

Driving back from Madison this weekend I found myself pondering the naming of cities.

I wondered what I would name a city if given the chance.

I wouldn't want to name it after myself even as narcissistic as I am I would still feel conflicted about it.

I settled on "Ayo" Kind of hip, short, it is also vague in its meaning so it might not go out of style.

What would you name your city? Why?

God's Day in Court

God gets hit with a lawsuit.

Updated Hands

Rabbit, Cat, Lettuce is now going to replace paper, scissors, rock in my home. I think it is just time to update this game and make it a teaching tool. Plus you can exercise new mussels in your hands.

Plus lets face it, the only thing in the old version that made sense anyway was scissors beats paper.


Cat Eats Rabbit

Rabbit Eats Lettuce

Lettuce Covers Cat

I am still practicing for the 2008 season let me know if you want in sign up is coming soon.

Come Fly the Conservative Sky

I love this line by Lynda White in defense of Southwest Airlines refusing to let a woman in a halter top board,

"If you wear provocative clothing, tattoos, or you smell of alcohol or cigarettes, who's going to believe you?"

So looking sexy, smoking, having a tattoo or smelling like booze also makes you a liar....who knew?

Just for that I am not going to put a napkin in my lap all weekend...what do you think of that Lynda?....(Sorry couldn't think of anything better then that for manners)

Failed State?

I might be the only geek alive who is actually watching the testimony of Petraeus on the situation in Iraq. I find two things about this incredibly amusing...

1.) I tell you to lower the amount of money in your checking account. At the time your balance is $100,000.000 you then deposit $40,000.00 in your checking account and withdrawal $30,000.00. Did you lower your checking checking account balance? No you actually have more money in it then when I asked and you take credit for a withdrawal....politics you have to love it.

2.) The notion that we can't leave Iraq a failed state. If history tells us anything you sure as hell can. After the British, French left ______(Insert African Country Here) 90% of the states failed and we didn't blink and eye. If the British leave northern Ireland will the terrorists get stronger or stop? Did India fall to pieces after the occupation left? Where are they now? We are in a battle of sunk costs and losing it is time to say sorry and move on.

Coach Johnson

I have been coaching people on how to get into Mensa and the Ivy's by raising their IQ and SAT scores...some people call it cheating. I call it learning how to work the system. I was going to post my method here on how to detect patterns in numbers and pictures without being Einstein but it involves a lot of pictures so maybe I will post it at a later date....

In the mean time if you, your kids need help or you want to rock at cocktail parties give me a holler and I am here for you..

Last Nights Nightmare

I woke up out of a nightmare....the same nightmare 6 times last night and every time I went back to bed I went right back into it only it was worse. The last time I woke up in a complete sweat that soaked through the sheets I might have even been screaming in my sleep.

I opened a door and I was in a building it was a school but I had never been there before. It was dark and I knew I was not supposed to be there. The door locked behind me and I started running down the hall to the other side to get out all the time feeling like something was behind me. I got out and ran across this field and I was being chased. I ran into another building and then I ran through the other building and to a door but when i walked through door I was back to the first door. Each time I ran this course there were more obstacles, the building became more complex, the field in between longer and there were more people and things chasing me. Every time I got to the last door they were on me. The dogs were biting me, people were slashing me...it was pretty terrifying...

I Made a Picture for You

I made a picture for you
Textured with vomit
Splattered with blood
Drizzled in sweat
Splashed with tears

I made a picture for you
Covered in feces
Stained with urine
Accented with spunk

I made a picture for you
With a hole punched in it
Burned by a fire
Torn down the middle

Spit on, walked on
Squatted on by a thousand
Diseased whores

I made a picture for you
So you could remember my life
Just the way you left it.

Slippery Slope of 9/11After Math

Patriotic Nationalist x
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> e
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> n
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> o
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> P
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> H
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> o
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> b
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> a

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> H
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> T
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> E

Hippie Smell Revealed

I have a newly formed theory on why hippies smell so bad and look disheveled. I believe this is because of the enormous time it takes to protest, boycott and share ideas. You have to make posters, organize, give speeches, make fliers, contacts and then there is all of the sitting around chanting and singing. All of this comes at the expense of showers, teeth brushing, hair cuts etc.

Then there is the downward spiral do you stay at the protest? or go to work to pay your bills? You don't want to be half a hippie so they cut off your water and electricity now you can't curl your hair or shower even if you wanted to...plus now you have to protest against the energy giants which will require even more time and energy and before you know it you are homeless...living on the streets you smell bad and no one will listen to you because you look crazy.

All of this can be avoided and solved with my new seminar, "Time Management for Hippies"

Only $149.00 per person on pay pal order now this is a limited blog offering only.

Everything I Know About Women

...

For You....

In response to needing to find religion to be happy....

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point then the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one."
- George Bernard Shaw

In reaction to Brittany Spears..

It is time for you to start working at hooters...you are finished, bring me my wings and a side salad..

In reaction to the drop in temperature here...

I love it...there is nothing like finding yourself in the arms of a woman under a hundred blankets when it is that cold at night...now I regret throwing the chamber pot out.

In response to Red Bull..

I think you give me poisoning when I drink you in abundance mixed with the water goodness of Vodka..right now I can't prove it but I am so coming for you.

Question of the Weekend....

The set up

You are a truck driver. You are carrying a load of highly flammable liquid when you realize that your truck is accelerating and your brakes don't work. You crash through a guard rail and are headed towards a large cities natural gas supply. If you hit the gas depot the whole city will blow-up killing millions of people. You need to crash the truck before you hit the gas depot.

There are six buildings between you and the gas depot. You must crash into one of them to save the town. You are going to fast to serve and avoid them all. If you jack knife the truck you will blow up all six buildings but if you hit any one head on you will only kill the people in that building.

Each building has 2500 people in it.

Building one: Red Cross Relief Center: Housing families misplaced by the civil war in Africa's Sudan. Many people are leg less due to landmines and extremely poor.

Building Two: School for special needs children. Almost all of the children have severe mental and physical disabilities.

Building Three: Half way house for recovering drug addicts.

Building Four: Minimum Security Prison for Women

Building Five: Church with an extremely devote following of Christians.

Building Six: Nursing Home with a small research center doing ground breaking work on dementia. There are only 5 researchers on site at the time.

What building do you crash into and why?

If you had to rank the buildings 1-6 what would be your order? Why?

I love questions and how they make us challenge assumptions and values. I will post my answer to these questions on Monday morning. Love to see what you all have to say in the mean time...

Have a great weekend:)

Unfinished Clips

You and Me

You
Came to me
Like a snipped
Of a dream
Part of a movie
I wasn't old
Enough to see
Blacked out
Shut off
Ushered away
From
Me


Walk Inside

I walk up and down the rolling hills in a bi-pedal version of a roller coaster. The tall grass singing in the night wind. The moon peaks out of dark clouds, like an eye with fingers in front of it, scared at what it might see. I create an orb of lifelessness around me as the animals scurry in all directions in a radius of fear. They will return when I am all done to pick the part of me you know off of my bones, so my outside matches my inside.

Your Crazy...Wait What

If I came up to you on the street and said, "we are in some serious shit, see in the begining of time this guy ate this magical apple and doomed all of mankind to sin and the only way we can undo this eating is to murder this guy call Jesus. I have this book that even proves it."

What would you say to me?

What if I told you all you have to do was believe in this story and you would live forever in bliss?

Why do so many people believe this story? I personally have heard much better...

Other People Said It Today

Here is a great article Called, "Is There Anything Good About Men", by Roy F. Baumeister. This is a long article but if you are into Feminism, Gender Rights, Evolution or a Man. This is a great article and worth the read.

Plus Ultra turned me on to this Graphic Designer and I just love his work political and sexy.


Terri has given me room to explore my inner Diva today by granting my Rockin' Girl Blogger Award! If you haven't checked out her blog do it. She is the complete package Warm, Smart, Funny and even though she is married I can still say it fricking hot. So thanks for the award and giving me this day where I don't have to fret about my moobs but can proudly put them on display for all of you to rub...



Contest
Since I know so many girls who are rocking bloggers I am going to pass this award to the first four people who send me something dirty they would love to do with me if they have me for the weekend....