Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Fall and Love

I can tell it is fall by the breeze
The way the air feels on my skin
The way the smell of the earth changes
As it dries its way to sleep

The sun is out
My vision sharp in its light
I relax likes its illumination
And sparse warmth
Are some kind of narcotic

I feel peace today
My head is clear
I feel burdens shed
Like the leaves of these tree
Dancing their way to the ground

My hand remembers yours
I can still smell you on my sweater
(Sorry sweat shirt)
Your laugh echoes in my ears
And makes me smile
My eyes close
I imagine your arms around me
Remember the last time I looked in your eyes
So much love it moved me then
As it moves me now

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Ass and Lips

Something is not right
Like that scatchy feeling
You get when you don't wipe
Good enough
You don't want others to know
It is bothering you
You don't want to get caught
Trying to wipe away the forming stain
So you let it sit
It bothers you
You try to disspare of it discretely
But someone sees you
They tell everyone
Suddenly you are a monster
When you should have just
Wiped the shit off better
In the beggining
Why care about the shits feelings
Take care of it
Why is the ass wiper the monster
And not the town crier?

Lesson I learned this week: Don't spare the shits feelings get rid of it in the begginging as soon as you know it doesn't feel right. Dont tell anyone shit. And distance yourself from the people who make pubic shit what should be private shit...Who gossips with you gossips of you, a lesson I need to heed as well.

To everybody who has protected my anonymity even when it would have be advantagous for you not too I love you more then I am capable of showing.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Without Borders

Everything you can imagine has a limit
Except this feeling of sorrow
A never-ending desert of quicksand
A well without a bottom
A fall without a conclusion
A story that never ends
A line that never moves
A curtain that never falls
An abyss of hopelessness
There are no borders to contain this sorrow
No end to the hurt I feel
No way to measure the count of tears
No divisible number to count,
The shards of a broken heart
The fractures of a shattered life.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Whats good for you?

I fight a constant battle in my head over what is good for me.

Meet the competing camps

1.) Live with what feels good
2.) Live with what feels right
3.) Live with what looks good
4.) Live with what looks right

Good and Right explained

For the use of this these terms I am going to explain them like this
Good = emotion, instinct following your heart and passion
Right = A use of a source of logic or philosophy to follow you mind as this case maybe I struggle with right because it is so subjective or I struggle with it because I am a morally flawed person or probably a combination of both.

Feels and Looks like Explained

Feels - is just that it is a feeling something I can’t explain. Like why does a hug feels different depending on who is giving it to you. You can logically have the same height and pressure in a hug from two different people, even strangers, but those hugs will feel different there might be this huge spark in one and not in the other that has nothing to do with the hug itself…..it is just a feeling you get from the hug

Looks – It is not the feeling but how it looks hugging someone. Are you in the know. Do they flatter you. Is everyone hating on you because you are hugging someone beautiful, someone famous?

I know this sounds weird but I noticed that I do this. There are people I hug differently in public then I do in private for a variety of reasons almost all of them superficial. It has to do with an incredibly complex interaction of the four camps above.

This weekend I had an incredibly trying ordeal and on the other side of that ordeal I received a hug. A hug that put this in perspective for me. It was a hug that I have never felt before. I felt unconditionally loved. I screwed up big and it would have been easy to say I told you so. But instead I found this set of arms that wrapped around me with a blanket of forgiveness. There were no strings attached. No conditions. I felt acceptance. Forgiveness. Redemption. Warmth. Joy. There was no anger, just a concern for my well being and life. I have never felt as safe and as free in my whole life as I did in that embrace.

Sometimes I sit back and wonder how can someone as fucked up as me have so many great people in their life.

Once again I am rambling and I don’t know where this is actually headed ….

I guess I have been spending too much time in the extremes of this four quadrants. What feels good and what looks good. It has come at a great expense and I am sorry. I am working on finding a balance. I hope everybody in the world can have a hug like I did this weekend.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Button Fly vs. Zipper

Really the only advantage I can concur with the button fly vs. the zipper is that it is almost impossible to button your penis, where as the probability is quite great that you will at least a few times in your life zip your penis. Which is quite a painful expereince.

At the bar the button fly is completely unacceptable I have to drop trousers at the urinal because I am pretty sure if I tried to undo the buttons I would pee my pants.

I do suppose that button fly is better for sex on the fly and anyone who has had zipper burn on there penis from whipping it out and carrying on real quick in a very public place can testifiy to that…

So I guess button fly isn’t that bad but since I am careful about not zipping my junk and I don’t have public sex I will stick to zipper fly…..that is all