Thursday, May 31, 2007

Sinful Pleasure #25874 - Full Service Gas Stations

Its not that I am lazy or anything but it is a small comfort to pull up and have someone else fill your gas and clean your windows. Why do I feel bad about doing this? Sometimes I even duck so no one will see

1.) It is great in the winter.
2.) No one sees you are too drunk to walk so you shouldn't be driving
3.) It is a great alternative for all of you who are too scared to use the gas station on my corner at night.

70th and France. Sinclair Gas Station. I love it. (No additional charge either it is the same price as the Conoco and Bobby and Steve's down the street) Tell Adrian and Angela, Biz says hi.

A gas tip for the loose moral deviants...when you are low on money....

Grab a bunch of Speedy Rewards Cards @ SA (Super America), but don't register them or register them under a name of someone you don't like. This will allow you to get a pump turned on for payment inside without having to use a credit card....then drive off.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Our System of Law Was Based on What?

Lets take a closer look at the ten commandments and maybe someone can point out what I am missing and where any of this is alright to be in any courthouse in America. (If you know them already feel free to skip the background information)


Just what are the ten commandments?
The 10 Commandments are found in the Bible's Old Testament at Exodus, Chapter 20. They were given directly by God to the people of Israel at Mount Sinai after He had delivered them from slavery in Egypt:

"And God spoke all these words, saying: 'I am the LORD your God…

ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'

TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'

FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'

FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'

SIX: 'You shall not murder.'

SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'

EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'

NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'

Now new testament enthusiasts will say that the real commandments are summed up in Matthew

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:36-40).

But since no one is trying to put this version up in a courthouse we will dismiss it for this discussion.


People state that this should be allowed in court because our system of law and the direction of the country that our founding fathers wanted us to go is based on these simple instructions. - Bullshit

1.) The first four are crap and enforcing them in any way infringes on the 38% of people who live in this country who do not subscribe to a Judao -Xian deity. Specifically we are protected from the first four by the first amendment. To have these any where near the capital is offensive. (People who really look at these should question a God who only came down to earth one time at this point and this is what he had to, me ,me. Kind of small, don't you think. He could have at least said something helpful like washing your hands prevents disease or you should rotate crops to avoid devastating famines....but no.)

2.) As far as I am concerned there has never been anyone arrested for failing to honor there mother and father.

3.) As far as I am aware adulty is not a crime either although it has the potential to cost you half of everything you own.

4.) As far as I am aware no one has been arrested for jealousy.

So what we are left with is 3 out of 10 or 30%. But there is nothing specific to Xianity about these three as they are in all religions. This is often an argument used to advocate having the commandments present, but the thing is you can't try to use the 30% to hid all of the other stuff going on here. Jeffery Dahlmer was probably a great guy 30% of the time but you know what, that other 70% makes a big difference.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Bible In Under a Minute

"Worship me or I will torture you forever." -- God

Apparently strikingly similar to the GOP handbook How to Run a Nation.

How to prepare and eat a Ortolan Bunting

How to prepare and eat a Ortolan Bunting

Catch it alive.
Poke its eyes out.
Force feed it.
Drown it in Cognac.
Pluck the feathers.
Roast it whole.
Bite its head off.
And eat it whole bones and all under a blanket.

The under the blanket part is supposed to be to hide the act from god and to preserve the aroma of the bird but I think the real reason is so you don't see the guts and innards and vomit on yourself.

I am close to building a pool made out of Cognac and having all of my food drown in it.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Sleep Over

Isn't sleep weird? Why do we need it? How come no species of mammal can just not sleep and go all of the time? It seems to defy logic, you would think you could just eat more and get energy to keep going.

A kid bed may never get made if you rely on your child to do it, and making your child's bed isn't something we want to do for them. Getting a contemporary kids bed may help your child make his or her bed because they will want to see their kids bed neat and clean.

OOO - Till Monday

But I didn't want to leave you hanging so here is a couple posts that may shed some ill gotten light on what I will be doing when I am out of town this weekend.

I will miss all of you and hope that each of you has a great holiday weekend:)

Talk to you on Monday:)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Fucking is Legal....Till You Ask for Money

It is legal to screw who ever you want but the second you ask for money it is illegal. Does that seem screwed up? You are arresting people for selling something they can give away for free!

They are not being arrested for tax evasion
They are not being arrested for vending without a license

They are being arrested for charging to fuck!

I just don't get it....

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Under the Influence

Circa 2:30 A.M. it occurred to me that driving under the influence is like a big game of Pac Man. There is a maze of streets, the cops are like the ghosts and the white lines are like dots in the game. If you get caught you go to jail for the night and you get three strikes and you don't get to drive again.....

I actually started to hear the sound of Pac Man munching every time I went by a white line...

Friday, May 25, 2007

Snow Days

(A super old journal entry that I recently uncovered....this is the abridged version as the actual version went on for nearly 18 pages)

Sniffing a wintery wonderland of its aspriny goodness

Something so compact meant to elevate my very spirit

Simply makes me feel normal

Negating the ounces of fluid depression

The Pipe filled of sleepiness

shaped like little green crumpled pieces of paper

That litter the floor around my throw-n

Pieces nature makes more perfect

Then anything I will ever write.

I call my state focused

Missing the mark

I am not attentive to that which I should be

But to that which is attracting me

That after all is the point

I make this switch effortlessly

My shaking leg re guiled to an amusement

A matter of fact

As if it has nothing to do with me

Until it hits me it does and makes me a little nervous

A feeling that dissipates

With another bump of the table

I hate re-rolling this dollar

So I begin a hunt for some tape

Realizing on my quest how funny it is to only have a one dollar bill in my hand

With pile of dreams fit for a pop star on my table

I find the tape next to a scissor and some straws in a drawer

For some reason I still take the tape

Can't change my mind now

I am part of nature and nature is perfect in its imperfection

So I am perfect in my in perfection

My thoughts inheriting this same standard of acceptance for perfection

The profound statement and thought

Coincides with the turning on of my computer

In the hunt for porn

I watch some of my favorite clips

In an detached critic sort of way

I have sat in all three chairs in my living room in the last five minutes

Trying to find the one that sits best

For the view

I only have 8 cigarettes Left

Estimate Crash time in two hours

Math is completed on this equation

With unfavorable results

Two more and I will start for bed

I inspect my tape job and am pleased

I love the sound of porn

I move to a chair where I can see it again



Realizing how cold my hands are

Heat is turned up in vain

Heat is not the problem

I attribute it to some circulation problem

The same one that is causing me not to worry about the apparent lack of blood flow to my dick

Maybe I just need some help

A booty call SOS text is sent trolling to the masses

"What are you up to tonight?"

Non- specific, non descript just personal enough

Not to arose suspicion

It is just late enough that anyone who gets it

Knows what it is for

Lighting recalculating down to six

as Sixty long seconds pass and still no replies

Spark of panic and desperation begin to display

Before they are interrupted by a vibrating sensation in my lap

Hit number #1

I crawl off the chair and head over the table

Before I reply

P pick up my modern George Washington abstract art creation

And wonder what end I used before

Something I have never thought about before

Guess it doesn't matter

"How long till you can be here?"

Fingers paying homage to a new version of morse code

"An hour?"

looking at my remaining cigarettes I decide that will not do

I check my second line

Then my third

As I text back and forth

i envision having sex with each of them

What it would be like

Because they are all different

My throat is real dry

So reluctantly I leave my spot on the floor

Heading to the kitchen

I turn the water on and let it run till it is cold

I realize that a lot of time has passed since I first turn the water on and insert my glass

Even water is a drug

If you know how to use it right

The clock on the stove says one

Five hours till I have to be at work

One last text that the back door is open

Just in case anyone wants to wake me up

Time to lay down

Well maybe after one more

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Random Thought on Bumper Lanes

Some co-workers (And I say co workers because I have a hard time spelling colleagues and generally reserve that term for people I like at work) were talking about bowling and how cute it was that their kids use the bumper lanes...

This led to two thoughts.

1.) Wouldn't it be fun if there was a bumper lane on the highway for drunk driving? You keep them off the road and think of all the money you would save on cabs!!

2.) They say it is to teach the kids to have fun and so it doesn't hurt their self esteem...We have too many people in this country who think that Freedom and Fun are synonymous and most of these little pricks could use a good bubble burst. First throwing a gutter and failing are not bad things...IT IS HOW WE LEARN.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Bullshit Charge #43213 - Roaming Fees

If I am able to make a means I am getting a satellite signal...which leaves me to ask what the hell is roaming? I think this is a bullshit doesn't make sense.

Anyone work for a phone company?

Pony Up At the Pump

Low Gas Prices Are Only Good For Detroit

Gas prices should be at $5.46 a gallon

Artificially low gas prices are bad for everyone for the following reasons.

1.) They stifle creativity. If we were forced to pay the true cost of gas we would see more incentive for development of alternative fuels and more network electronics since telecommuting would become more attractive.

2.) It keeps people dependent on a product that funds regimes that have severe violations of human rights records. (Not that the US has a stellar one)

3.) It allows for the "great white flight" from our cities to continue. The loss of capital causes a cycle of poverty in the inner city that leaves us all at a disadvantage and also creates more tax burden on everyone in the form of welfare subsides.

4.) People drive more congesting roads and destroying our environment.

5.) People are not getting enough exercise...walk to the store, bar, work or ride a bike...if you don't live close enough to do this move where you can.

6.) It impoverishes our cities infrastructure since it is not economically feasible to do mass transit for medium size cities that would be more efficient.

You are already paying this amount in the form of taxes on the front end in the form of government subsidies to oil companies who are producing record profits...does that seem right? I really don't care if you want to live in Timbuktu....but you should have to shoulder the cost of that decision.

Oil Subsidies

Gouging is ok


When ever I pull up at a metered entrance ramp to get on the freeway I get really anxious that I am going to miss my light and so I stop blinking and stare till I see green.

(Does anyone else have any really weird feelings of anxiety or paranoia that are completely unfounded?)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Pull Here

Kant's categorical Imperative says that we should, "act only according to a maxim that you could at the same time will into a universal law". The most cited example of this is that you are going to borrow money from a friend and promise to pay it back, but you have no intention of really paying it back. So your maxim would be fake a promise to get money. Now since you can't will everybody to do this since it would not work if everybody was making fake promises as no one would lend money makes this action, not moral.

But Kant also uses this to rally against masturbation. Since the act of self gratification is selfish in nature you supposedly cant will it into universal law because you wouldn't want everybody in the world to be selfish. We differ here. I would say that if you do not have sex at night you should masturbate as this act would do more to solve world peace then any plan ever invented by Jimmy Carter.

There is also some pre-assumptions of morals in Kant's work for example if I will into law that you can kill anyone who wears a Hawaiian shirt on Friday it would eventually become normal and lead to less fashion wouldn't be abnormal since we would all be used to it.

I have a really hard time granting philosophers their due credit because there is too much room for assumptions about why they state of mankind is when you start trying to explain why things are how they are. I almost immediately disregard any writings that fail to mention biology, or invoke God as a pillar or philosophical argument. Minus the biology and invoking God is like trying to describe dinosaurs based on watching "snuffy" appear only to big bird on Sesame street.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Anomaly in the Fabric of Life

I was inching my way through rush hour yesterday when I uncovered 7 cars in a row who's drivers were which of the following...?

a.) Really Really Hot!!!

b.) Talking on their cell phones

c.) Wearing stocking hats in 80 degree weather

d.) Picking their noses

e.) Putting on make-up

Napkin #2344

I am not even on the road less traveled I am in an over grown swamp wacking my way through eight foot tall weeds. There are lots of bugs here too. Big ones!!! They bite and suck a lot of blood and say things like ruling in favor of the plantiff...I wish I was the fucking plantiff.

The Smell of Joy

Have you ever noticed that when you pop a bag of popcorn at work lots of people come around? I personally love the smell of popcorn. It reminds me of movies that I have seen, camping, carnivals, festivals, concerts all happy memories enforced and ingrained in my mind with the smell of popcorn.

Some interesting popcorn facts....

1.) I hate the smell of burned popcorn
2.) If they had vitamin popcorn I would live off of it
3.) I can't eat just one piece at a time...I am a stuffer
4.) I like butter
5.) I sometimes like to put M&M's in with the popcorn
6.) I like how it dissolves on my tongue if I just leave it
7.) I will throw some Tabasco on it from time to time
8.) I had a bag dumped over my head in Jr. High at a movie because I was "getting fresh"
9.) I like bars that have popcorn for free...Williams was my favorite till i got too old to go there.
10.) I also like Carmel corn....but only on a rare occasion

Friday, May 18, 2007

Friday aka Scoop Night

If you look back to all of your one night stands chances are the majority of them happened on a Friday night. That is why Friday is known to guys as scoop night.

It is easier to hook up on Friday for the following reasons.

1.) There is just more excitement in the Air, it is the start of the weekend.

2.) People are looking to kick off and blow off the stress of the work and school week.
3.) People are on their work eating schedules so they tend to eat dinner earlier and hence get drunk sooner or just more intoxicated period.

4.) People are on their work schedules and so they have been up longer...fatigue and booze can lead to some bad decisions.

5.) People have a alibi to an extent that they are going to happy hour after work and it just runs late.

6.) People can let loose cause they don't have to wake up early on Sat. mornings.

7.) There are more drink specials on Fridays so people consume more.

8.) Friday after finals is the greatest scoop night of them all and is also known as the Opener of the Summer Season.

9.) Of course if you are in the Service Industry your scoop night is usually Sunday or Tuesday night except that is call cream night and a whole nother post.

Guys who know and exploit this system are known as cocksmen, players, assholes or douche bags depending on what side of the fence you are on....

At any rate for all of my playboys who are going out tonight good luck scooping some bootie

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Experiment #2343

I would like to take a chain of restaurants around the country and run the following experiment.

Abolish Tipping
(I say this even as a former waiter and bar tender)

I would take average food sales per shift and add 20% to the food sales coming up with a shift wage for waitresses that would be roughly what they are making now. Some shifts would be worth more money then others etc..

I have been to a few countries where you just don't tip and service doesn't seem to be any worse..

I would like to see what would happen to the following....

1.) Would service be better or worse if there was no expectation of tip on the part of the server or the client.
(I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the rudest customer think it is ok to be a dick because they are giving you a tip)

2.) Would food sales go down?
(I would say the decline would be small if any. As a good waiter you never suggest the most expensive thing on the menu any ways)

3.) Would people who frequent at this establishment lose weight?
(But it would be interesting to see if you were not trying to drive food sales would people eat less and lose weight?)

4.) Would business go up or down?
(I would think business would go up, but it could also go down since tipping is more about you as a customer feeling good then it is about the wait staff.)

What do you think?


My Five Favorite Places to Eat

Primas - Neighborhood Italian joint. I love this place because they have excellent food, it is in the neighborhood, it is quiet, they have a great wine list and I love the owners. They also have a kick ass catering menu and almost every event that I have at my house is subsidized with something from their kitchen.

- Besides being the best bar in the world, having two for one cocktails, Karaoke, Trivia, Sports, Great Patrons, The best bartenders and being in stumbling distance to my house, they also have really good bar food.To know me is to know that I would take a bullet for Tailgate.

The Sample Room - You can not bring a date to the sample room and not get laid. This little tapas place is seriously the best kept secret on the culinary scene in Minneapolis. The vibe, the food, the martinis and wine and it is not going to break your bank.

The Muddy Pig
- This is my Tailgate in St. Paul - Ridiculous beer list to wash down a grilled Kielbasa smothered in mustard with some day old bread, possibly a buffalo chicken salad on the side. Low key great people and you can play battle ship or chess while you have a beer and wait for your food.

Tie for Number 5
Jimmy Johns - A number five (Vito) No Tomatoes, Add Peppers with a bag of regular Lays potato chips and a cherry have to be kidding me it is heaven.
Chipotle - Chicken Burrito Bowl - Cause I hate the tortillas there, Mild, Medium, Corn, Cheese, Lettuce Guac - Complemented by the awesome group of guys I get to eat with. In my world of work and school it seems like I am constantly on the run and these are my two favorite quick stops when life fails to give me the chance to pause.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Confession # 25412

I am not good at walking in flip flops. I believe this is because I jumped into flip flops before I graduated from slides...I have never wore a pair of slides. So technically that is two confessions for the price of one.

When Both Ends Touch

I haven't slept in days,

Not really.

Endless nights,

Give way to long days.

Autonomy was a blessing.

I had a front row seat,

To the end of my world.

It was me pressing on,

Full steamed delusions,

Signs everywhere,


I remember how sudden,

My perfect complacency,


Like a body hitting,

A sidewalk ,

From 26 years,


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

A Little Over Due Credit for E-Textbooks

I love e-Textbooks for the following reasons

1.) They are cheaper.
2.) They are much more searchable.
3.) It is easier to insert and find footnotes, bookmarks and references that I have left for the material.
4.) If I need an in-text citation for my paper I can copy and paste.
5.) I can have two windows open on my monitor and type and read as I go with out having to stop and start picking up a book.
6.) When it comes time for book buy back I don't have to wait in line or slang my shit on Amazon only to be fucked out of 99.9% of what I had to fork over for a book.

Now I apply this only to text books. Because the for personal reading I do tends not to happen with me chained to a desk. For personal reading I still like paper, but for anything required for a degree give me an e-textbook or at least the option otherwise you are cheating me with one of the worst scams allowed by law....Book Booking (The name I made up...I hope it catches on)


Like a tree,

That lines my street.

Big orange band,

of last rights.




Blocking someones,

Post card,

Bay window,


100 years of,


Only to be cast ,

aside for expansion.

Waiting to be made,

into toilet paper,

my final,


for living in a world,

I no longer,


Monday, May 14, 2007

Fuck Fox

Great Video if you have an hour to kill and topics of media control and politics amuse you.


So you are in the bathroom and you take a nice pee, you give it a few good shakes and you put it away. Only to have a little UAD (Un-autorized dribble). Its not like you peed your pants but you have some droplets of urine that will soon drying on your leg leaving an uncomfortably unclean feeling that will stay with you till you shower. Don't you hate when that happens?

I used to do stop the stream exercises to help control ejaculation but like all of my exercise routines I have gotten lazy so it looks like a little pee on my leg is all the incentive I need to get started again.

When you pee stand on your tip toes and stop and start peeing as many times as you can. Bonus to anyone who knows how to use this in connection with your million dollar point and what that combination allows you to do with enough practice;)

Sidebar Question:

Does UAD only happen to guys? Or do women experience this too?

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Prediction #43234

MTV Will launch a video game suite that will include The Inferno, Real World Road Rule Challenge and the smash hit Runs House of Osborne where Satan and God will battle to top forty hits.

This is also a sign that the end of the world is near...

Friday, May 11, 2007

Does This Mean Anything to Anyone?

Junkyard with MS? - Just trying to figure out who sent this and what I am supposed to do. It looks me if it was you:)

Break Time #2232

Did you hear about the man who ran naked through the crowded church?
They eventually caught him by the organ.

Storage for the Masses

"this is why I only hang out with you when you least then you are kind of normal" - Friend of Brianinmpls

(Ok I guess that kind of counts as a weekend word of Now normally I would have let the following situation go but this guy was just an ass so I had to take it to the limit)

I went to a company called Public Storage with a friend of mine today who is looking to store some things as he is going through a divorce.

I got into a little discussion with the rep who was setting my friend up.

I just casually pointed out that if you need to pay, be a certain age or pass a credit check then it really isn't public storage it should be call Private storage. Anytime there is a barrier for entry into an establishment such as criteria restrictions or authorization it is no longer is private.

For some reason he argued that this was a Public storage it was open to the public...

In trying to prove my point I walked out of the office and proceeded to jump the eight foot fence guarding the perimeter of these "public" storage lockers. After enough chaos ensued to prove my point that this was not a public storage I.e trying to open lockers and store some stuff (mainly a pack of gum, some change and a whistle I had on me for some reason)....We were quietly asked to leave and not return.

Or we would be charged with trespassing on private property of the Public Storage Company....

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Pile of Life

(I have a technical question posted below this post if anyone can be of assistance)

Pile of Life
Wading through a summation of life.

Cuts and infection.

Bacteria seeping through,

Wounds caused by mountains of,

Beer cans,

Used condoms,

Unopened condoms,

Bloody tampons,

Cigarette butts,

Whose quality matched,

The ebbs and flow,

Net income ratio,

Of an excuse for life.

Rats so gorged on left over's ,

They are too fat to move,

Making the circle of,

Life in America complete.

286 processors,

As seen on TV,



Wedding gifts,

Still wrapped in ribbon.

Bodies ravaged to pieces,

By scavengers , bodies,

You stepped on,

To get here.

Mailing adds,

Saving you money,

By wasting your time.

Your whole life is here.

Every Mac and cheese box.

Every chard from every,

Broken plate.





Bottle caps that tear into your feet,

So that blood and bile,

Mix in your shiny leather shoes,

Till it feels like you are walking on sponges.

Every thing that comforted you while you slept,

Till it no longer matched the curtains,

Your new life.

This is the stench of you.

Not even your,

Celebrity endorsed,

Scent can cover it up.

News papers,

Rag magazines,

Of things,

Long since,

Ceased to matter.

Piss stained pleated pants.

Caffeine depleted coffee cups.

Crumpled paper thoughts.

Skin burning from the sulfur dioxide,

Of all the decomposing stuff,

I couldn't live without.

I am sitting on the top of my heap of shit,

That stretches to the horizon,

Can't seem to answer,

Am I worth this stench?

(How would you live your life differently if you could never throw anything away?)

Technical Question

I currently use Google Reader to manage my blog subscriptions and keep up to date with all of the you and your writing. I like this feeder because it integrates so well with my iGoogle desktop and gives me a nice view of all of my applications in one spot. There is a feature that is missing that I am sorely in search of though and with that here comes my technical question.

Do any of you use a reader or feeder that allows you to tag and receive comments as they are updated by certain users? (I have seen a few that update you when ever comments are added but I want to be able to select the users that I want to see what they say.)

I know that there are millions of different feed services and don't want to sift through all of them if someone has one that has this feature that they like.
(If anyone has one let me know)

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


How can a gallon of 100% ethanol retail for $2 at the gas station and $23 dollars in the liquor store? WTF? IT IS THE SAME THING!!!

I need to figure out how to take the additive out of it that they put into making the gas station version poisionous and then start selling it for $16 under my own private lable and make a fortune.

Random Thoughts

"The more you hurry the less time you have." My Grandpa used to say this to me all the time and I finally just fully realized what it means. I wish he was still alive so I could tell him.

If sex wasn't enjoyable would the human race become extinct?

In the future there will be huge magnets on the side of the highway that will suck your car over and give you a ticket if you are speeding or have left your blinker on for more then one mile.

There is a quote in the book 100 years of solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez has come the closest to what I would used to describe love "Both looked back then on the wild revelry, the gaudy wealth, the unbridled fornication as an annoyance and they lamented that it had cost them so much of their lives to find the paradise of shared solitude...they enjoyed the miracle of loving each other at the table as much as in the bed"

One of my favorite words:) Def. comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or distress. I used to associate this with a negative meaning of settling or giving up, but there is beauty in finding peace in yourself even as the world crumbles around you in heartache and suffering and even though it may be only a consolation to what you really want, consolations have there own blessings.

Profile Pictures
If you have to stand sideways, lean forward and hold a camera over your head at an angle to make it look like you have boobs in your head shot profile picture you may want to dig deeper into your personal attributes and find one that you actually have....because chances are boobs are not really one of them.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


Post from Erin today inspired a little thought on my part.

Why are trash blogs so popular?

They are quick to read.
They don't require much thought.
They are an illusion of what we want to be.
They are perfect for our life style.

Blogs that don't require much thinking fit right into our busy life styles. If you looks at the highest points of Internet traffic it is during the work week, during work hours. Celebrity gossip blogs and pop culture blogs are perfect escapes for the lunch hour fifteen minutes and you are caught up just about everything. The comments they inspire are equally short and devoid of substance making them a perfect in and out stop. The material is also created for you and doesn't require much stories can get posted throughout the day driving up visitors as they check back for something new.

I don't think it is right but it is the state of affairs....

I watched Jerry Seinfield give an acceptance speech and I think the comparison he drew between an actor and a comedian can also apply to the blogsphere.

An actor receives rewards and public admiration for doing nothing more then exactly what they are told to do...while a comedian actually has to produce his own material and deliver it.

I would like to give a standing ovation to all of the comedians who are linked on the left:)

Interview #2

Interview from a Vixen

1. You and I are going on a one month adventure together. There are no rules to the trip and I'm game for anything you want to do no matter how outrageous. Money is not an issue. Where do we go and what do we do along the way?

This trips will have four parts
1.) Cuba we will smoke drink and party the Hemingway way
2.) Spain lol..see above
3.) We will go to space and perhaps conduct experiments for the betterment of mankind on sexual reproduction in zero gravity
4.)I would come out to OR and we would sit in Chucks bushes and go through his trash

2. You have been given the authority to make one illegal substance in our country suddenly legal for use. What do you legalize and why?

It hands down has to be marijuana...why lock peaceful people up for doing is a ridiculous law that should have been abolished a long time ago.

3. You see a four hundred pound man with two broken arms standing on the side of a busy sidewalk. His pants are around his ankles and he is begging for someone to please help him pull his pants up and button them. He is not wearing underwear. Do you help him or do you pretend not to have seen him?

I would help him as I would hope someone would help me. I have a soft spot for the underdogs and the forgotten. I think it is a shame that we pretend not to see or help people just cause they are different or not visually pleasing.

4.You have discovered a new continent and need to instate someone to run it for you. You can pick any person dead or alive to run your country. Who do you choose and why?

I would forge a Parliament between Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Timothy Leary, Susan B. Anthony, Margret Mead, Malcolm X, Winston Churchill, Chuck Palunuik and Sergei Brin because I believe any place is at its best when divergent ideas clash in passionate people. Plus I find each of the above fascinating although some of them are filled with crap the whole of them would be better for the people then any one person in particular.

5. I'm obsessed with Superheroes. Make yourself a superhero and tell me about you. What is your name? What are your super powers? Tell me about your costume.

I would be able to fly, have superhuman strength, be able to turn invisible and stop time and be a master swords man with a curved blade sword. I wear black and have a cloak that I would put on ( kind of a Punisher meets Neo look). Women would fall in love with me at a mere glimpse. I would be called the Looper in tribute to Cindy Lauper Time and Time song and the fact that I would cut peoples heads off...

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Scary Story

When I was little I remember being told a story that scared me for years I don't remember the specifics but it was something about a woman hearing a tapping sound in the basement. She goes down to investigate the sound and is stabbed and gutted by a man that was in her basement tapping on the pipe. (He may or may not of had a hook for a hand) I thought about this story for years when I would hear a noise in the basement. I would always get chills when I would have to go down there it was scary and exciting at the same time. I can remember my heart racing as I darted back up the stairs.

I miss being scared like that.

So this weekend I decided to scare other

And boy did I ever;)

I had my friend J. leave his work phone in the basement of his house with the volume cranked all of the way up. We then went to the bar before his wife came home (we were supposed to go out anyway) Around 11:00 I texted his wife from a PRIVATE number, "J. is dead in the basement and your next" .00002 second later she calls J.'s phone this is my que to call his work phone that is in the basement of the (I wish I could have been there or taped it to see her face when she heard that phone ringing from the basement) Needless to say she was super pissed and I probably will not be allowed to play with J. anymore.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

My Favorite Books List

Some Titles of Works of Fiction I would Recommend (Not in any particular order)
1.) Choke
2.) Diary
3.) Haunted
4.) Lullaby
5.) Survivor
6.) Invisible Monsters
7.) Fight Club
8.) The unbearable lightness of being
9.) One Hundred Years of Solitude
10.) Incognito
11.) Another Road Side Attraction
12.) Even cowgirls Get the Blues
13.) Confederacy of Dunces
14.) The sun also rises
15.) For whom the bell tolls
16.) I know why the caged bird sings
17.) Short Happy Life of Francis McComber (short story by Hemmingway)

Titles of Works of Non-fiction I would recommend

1.) Origins of Virtue
2.) The Red Queen
3.) Fast Food Nation
4.) Reffer Madness
5.) The women of Mustang Ranch
6.) The End of Faith
7.) Freakanomics
8.) Brind Down the House
9.) Street Soliders
10.) The Blank Slate
11.) The elegant Universe
12.) The World is Flat
13.) The Lexus and the olive Tree
14.) Negitive Ethnicity
15.) The PRince
16.) The Art of War
17.) The Color of Water
18.) Super Size Me
19.) The Rise of the Creative Class
20.) The Flight of the Creative Class
21.) Basic Economics
22.) Strange Days Dangerous Nights (For Minnesotans Only)

Friday, May 04, 2007

Weekend Words of Wisdom

"Everyone loves a pregnant whore"

"I want to rape the happiness out of you"

"It's not the chicken or the rice or the beans but the whole burrito together that makes you full"

And some random stuff.....

I think Cheers should be capitalized even though it is not a proper noun because usually when you say it you shout it and so from now on in my life it will be capitalized.

Just an FYI I clocked this last night. When a highway sign says 1 mile to next exit it is the distance between the sign and the street at the top of the exit ramp not the start of the exit ramp. For some reason this seems to make a big difference if you have to pee real bad.

There are more stars in the universe then grains of sand on the earth.....think about that for a second the next time you are at the beach.

Serial Killers
Their hasn't really been any serial killers who target people who annoy them. Like people who have bad teeth. I find this disappointing.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

The Difference Between Men and Women #456

Have you ever heard a man complain about how much pain his varicose veins are causing? Or how unsightly his legs appear because of them?

Recommendation: Wear thigh highs if you have them...imagine how much more appealing nursing homes would be if all the old ladies had thigh high stockings on with little skirts? With the advent of Viagra it might just become the hottest place to be....I can picture all of the old guys knocking the old ladies false teeth on the ground and when they bend over to pick them up wham!

And yes I realize young people (25-55) get them too....but then they should be wearing thigh highs and skirts already so I didn't feel the need to talk about that.

Interview with Johnson

Interview from Sarah:)

1. Why do you blog?
I blog because it is an outlet that I am denied in my button up real world life. I love to write:) I love to capture a moment or a feeling on paper and then go back to look at it years later like a trail of ink that leads from where I was to where I am.

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
If money was not an object and I was independently wealthy I would settle down in southern Spain some where. Sevilla has to be one of my favorite places on earth.

3. What do you consider to be your biggest vice?
The bottle

4. Describe your perfect day...
Wake up next to my beautiful woman, make love, go out on my deck in southern Spain overlooking the ocean and do a fat line and drink a a glass of wine while I type the material for my third Pulitzer prize. Then my friends come over and we talk into the night around a fire and eat something really tasty and drink until we all retire to the bed room for some rest so we can wake up and do it again.

5. You wanna make out?

Now it’s YOUR turn to play:

Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
Update your blog with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Now my hopes with this post are not to fan the flames of bigotry but to navigate the reader safely through its flames. I have heard this term used in a variety of settings and I think it is proper time to define its definition.

For people unfamiliar with this word, a "swack" is a word to describe a white woman who believes she is black or who only dates African American men. I believe this is a Midwestern derogatory slang word as I have not encountered its usages outside of the Midwest.

Its connotation is similar to that of Chav instead of Wigger in the sense that wigger has a negative connotation where the term Chav has been embraced by the culture to that which its meaning has been implied.

Now there is some debate over how this word was originated several contenders' any one which could be accurate.

Single White Black = Swack
Slutty White Black = Swack
Suburban White Black = Swack
She's White Black = Swack

And probably many other variations. Although I can not prove it I am also certain that its phonic sounding to the slang term wack is no accident.

Is it derogatory?

This question is fairly difficult to answer but I would say that it is derogatory to the person who it is applied.

On the surface if we look at the two parts of the definition of a swack we see that it is a white woman who believes she is black or dates only black men. I do not believe it would be derogatory if it only applied to the second part of the definition since it is merely a label for a preference in who a person likes to date. However the inclusion of the first part of the definition makes it derogatory since it is communicated in a negative way. The derogatory usage is found in the demeaning and racist way that it is applied to people. (Which is really what makes any term demeaning)

However just like the term chav the term swack has been embraced by the subculture to whom the label applies.

Now this is where the conversation begins and the road became murky for me. I was sitting and discussing this matter over a drink with friends. I leveraged the view point that I understood why white people should not use the N-Word but why I understood that it was ok for black people to use it with each other. Reason being is that white peoples history of abuse and oppression mean when white people use the term it is coming from a negative source of power. I also argued that the use of swack and wigger did not enjoy the same cultural exclusivity clause that the N-Word does among Africans since while they are usually exchanged between two white people and directed at white people its connotation and use is direct assault on blacks even if they are not part of the conversation.

Is this overly sensitive? Should you be able to use a derogatory word if it is not considered to be derogatory to the group that you are using it?

A counter points that was raised was the use of the word punk for a long time considered to be derogatory and belittling it is now a badge of honor and an entire genre of music and culture. (but then punk doesn't have the history and the racial overtones to it to contend with so I argued that it was a poor example but maybe it isn't maybe we are just too sensitive about race in this country)

Any thoughts?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Hablas Espanol?

Over the last few years I have taught myself Spanish by reading the back of every label that is within arms reach of the toilet.

I tend to amaze the hell out of my friends when I show this off this bi-lingual skill, but little do they know I am merely saying, "to clean your hair apply a small amount of product then lather rinse repeat".

When asked why don't you understand when someone is speaking Spanish to you, I simply answer their regional accent is too thick to understand...this seems to appease people, make you look well traveled (you can even name a fake place where they must be from to really impress someone) and it makes you look super smart.

On a related side note the only thing that Pantine Pro V seems to think our Spanish speaking friends need to know is that their product is distributed by Proctor and Gamble. I am torn between whether this is just mean or if it is because Spanish speaking people are smarter at washing their hair then English speaking people.