Thursday, August 31, 2006

Bulletin Board

I drive by a church bulletin board that has a new saying on it every week. And I won’t kid you for as big as an agnostic as I am I find some of the sayings it has posted inspirational. However there is a quote right out of the scripture this week that is really bugging me…..

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

This doesn’t make sense to me at all. Maybe I am missing something that someone can explain to me. If we flip around the words it becomes obvious how ludicrous this is.

God gives food to those who go to the grocery store

God gives water to those who go to the lake

What did god really do here again? Seems to be giving him a boat load of credit for something that you did.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Army of Darkness.....Almost

Ok so…I was sitting around reading for class yesterday and I got the call, “dude I am still out of town can you let my dogs out”. I thought sure because I needed a break and they are good dogs. So we went to the dog park and played and I went to put them back at their owners house. I was petting them good by when I noticed little bugs on them which I think were ticks about this same time a bee strolled by on its way to a hive under the awning and I got a sweet idea. I put the ticks in jar and went home and got some more jars I then put the four tics in four separate jars and then caught bees and put the bees in the jars with the tics.

My thought was this I was going to mate the bees and the tics to create an army of bugs that would sting you and suck your blood and then invent little bands that I could slip on them to control their minds..To be fair I am now drinking heavily at this point. Now as I watch the bees and the tics I started to get excited because one of the bees appeared to be “interacting” with the tic but on closer inspection I think he was just stinging the tic to death. Needless to say this endeavor failed for a few reasons

1.)I am not really sure they were tics now that I have seen a picture of a tic
2.)I don’t know how to tell the sex of bees and tics
3.)Just like people you can’t just put two beings in a room with a little Marvin Gaye on in the back ground and expect things to happen (On a side note I did pour small amounts of alcohol into the jars and turn some music on to get the bees and the tics in the mood)
4.)I need to make tics bigger first so that they will not be scared of the bees.

So in closing I was unable to create my army of darkness, I got a little drunk and most of my school work is unfinished.

PS. Bees get really pissed when you put them in a jar with booze and shake it

PSS. Entourage was not very good last night

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


A 750 ml bottle of Vodka @ 40% Alcohol by Volume is = to 17 beers. I know this because someone helped me figure it out today. In a 12 once can on beer there is 5% alcohol by volume or 18ml of alcohol. 18*17 =306 or close enough to the 300 ml of alcohol in a bottle of vodka. Just though you all would like to know that. I know I have been wondering about it myself.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Commercial Interruption

It always bothers me when radio stations say hour commercial free brought to you by "insert call numbers here" Isn't a plug for a radio station still a commercial? Then I started to think about radio in general and even a song "single" is a commercial for an artist so radio is one big fucking non-stop commercial wave that penetrates the frequency of the space in-between everything.

This has been brought to you by Brian Johnson

Friday, August 18, 2006

I'm Out

I will be laying low for a little bit *wallet, liver and rest of body rises for a standing ovation* With school starting and a pretty hectic schedulue I will not be out as much after this weekend. i really don't know how i am going to do this semester but I will find a way. School and work five times a week is going to be crazy but I will still be at the Gate for 2 for 1's on fridays although since class is @ 8am on sat. Most liklley I won't be closing it down any If you want to get on my schedule send me an email and we can get up for lunch and I will be out on the town every odd sat. night hopefully with a beautiful woman by my side;)

Take care everybody....Thanks to everybody who made this summer what it was:) This will go down in the record book as the greatest time in my life for so many reasons:)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Weight Watcher

A shot = 2 oz, 16oz = 1 pound or 8 shots per pound, now if I am 210lbs to drink my weight in booze I would need to consume 1,680 shots. Average night out between 4-6 shots so you would think that it would take be 420 days to consume my weight in alcohol, but I don't do just shots when I am out I also do vodka tonics which is a 3 oz pour of vodka and I average 6 for 18 oz or a little over a pound since this is what I consume when I am with Lynn, Pat, Chad or Anna and we do it every Friday night during the summer and I do it when I am out with Anna to we will assume that it has been done 22 times this summer so at this rate it would take me 52 nights out to drink my weight in alcohol. Now I just took my recycling out for the 1st time since May and its contents contained 32 bottles of wine, 6 bottles of vodka and two bottles of tequila if we assume all bottles are 750ml and that translates to about 25oz per bottle for a total of rough total of 62lbs so if I factor in what I drink at home and spread it out it takes me 31 days to drink my weight in booze.....this does not include the martinis, bloody's, glasses of wine or beers that are added into this mix but I will let them slide and chalk them up to rounding.....

Now the flip side of this equation is what this binge cost but I will keep that to

Monday, August 14, 2006

Open Doors

Picture this....there is a long hallway.
At either end of the hallway is a set of two doors.
Each door can be opened manually by some one pulling or pushing
Or they can hit the handicap button and one door will open
I have been eating my lunch watching these doors
I have noticed an interesting phenomonnon
People will always go through the door that is open
Even if it is on the opposite side of the hall they are walking on
Even if they have to get in someone elses way to walk through it
To the point where people will jam up the door way rather then open the other door

This got me to thinking....Do we always take the path of least resistance?
Go for the known? Rather then the unknown?
I mean the other door could be locked?
There has to be a reason that everybody is using the open one.

When I finished my lunch I walked down that hall way past the crowd
And i opened the closed door and walked in and people followed me in
It was kind of cool and empowering so I decided for the rest of the day
I would do everything the opposite of the path of least resistance.

Here is some of the stuff that I did and I tell you I feel inspired.
Like my preordanined life was interuppted
Like today was brand i can't stop thinking of what else i can do differently

1.) When i got into my car at the end of the day I climbed in through the trunk and climbed out through the trunk when I got home.

2.) I took the stairs

3.) I walked to the store to get groceries

4.) I called a few people and had some rather difficult conversations that I could have avoided

5.) I switched my hand that my watch is on

6.) This is going to sound sad but I didn't have a drink

7.) I folded and put away all of my clothes

8.) I wrote a plan of 10 things I need to do to make my life better this week and be a better person

9.) I am going to bed early

This has been a message from Brian who is on a new path...or at least a different side of the hall

Friday, August 11, 2006

My Perfect Day

I have to preface this with this is my perfect day at this point in my life...

My perfect day....

Wake up
Make Love
Go for a walk around the lake
Eat Breakfast @ the hot plate, zumbros or turtles
Enjoy a coffee
Work for 3 hours
Eat lunch (I am not so picky on where I eat lunch)
Read a book In a comfortable chair in a pleasing location (varies depending on the season)
Write a little
Take a nap and make love in the late afternoon
Take a long hot shower
Go to dinner..
Dance a little or see a show
Sit in a circle of friends and do shots and talk for hours about nothing
Make love

Monday, August 07, 2006

Happiness is a 12 Block Dash to the Car

The rain sounds different downtown
Striking fields of concrete and glass
Uneven metal surfaces
Cascading down man made mountains
Filling in the lowest points
A symphony of water
A concert of natural and synthetic
An endless echo of static
Sound fills all of the space
I close my eyes
I can hear every drop crash
Washing away a tangible grime

It is pouring when we step outside
I feel electric tonight
The bass from the club still vibrating in my body
Just the right amount of liquor
Dancing in my veins
My jaw hurts from laughing
We step out from the over hang
And are instantly soaked
We are running down the street
Just laughing
Like when you were five and you jumped in puddles for fun
Get wet
Feel the rain stream down on your skin
She is soaked
I have never seen anything so beautiful
We pull each other into an over hang
Her lips find mine
Wet clothes cling to the body of a goddess
My arms wrap around her
Kissing and smiling at the same time
I feel her body pressed against mine
It feels like it was made just for me
I can smell the rain on her skin
I taste the rain on her shoulder
Happiness floods me
like the river formerly known as Hennepin ave
Maybe it is all just a dream
If it is please don't wake me

Sunday, August 06, 2006

It's Not My Fault I Didn't Know


Just an interesting thought on the nature of consequence. Was talking with my friends 7 year old son about stealing and asked him wasn’t he afraid to go to prison? And he said he didn’t know because he had never been there before. For some reason I found this very profound and came to the realization that you can not grasp the consequence of an action until after you have experienced the consequence. That being said a consequence is not really a deterrent for any given action since you don’t understand the consequence until after it has come to fruition. Which lead me to believe that I don’t fear the consequence itself but rather the unknown of an event. I can imagine what prison is like or what it is like to have a child or cancer but until the consequence of the event really happens I have nothing to be remorseful of the action that caused it, since I don’t understand the weight of a decision until after the fact…..does this make sense?

A consequence doesn’t exist unless you have all ready realized it....then it is too late.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Watch Your Step

I step out of nowhere and every where.
Wishing my body was riddled in scars
Deep lacerations
Whipping marks across my back
A missing eye with an unhealed grove that stretches,
Vertically down my face
The imprint of an axe long ago notched in my skull
I wish that my body looked like my inside
So people could see the wounds, the hurt
Just beneath a button up shirt
The lessons learned that still crack open and bleed from time to time

I escape into a dream
Running I jump
Staying in the air a few seconds longer than I should
I jump a again and stay in the air even longer
My third jump catches
I am weightless in the air
Peal my hands from this rides safety bar
Eyes close; release and excitement flood a tired body
I remember being little and riding my bike
I hit a rock and my handle bars turned and I was thrown forward
There was this second when I let go
When there was nothing I could do
No control
I was going to fall
There was freedom in that second
There is freedom in a lovers arms
Freedom in controlling your density
Freedom in fighting on
Freedom in surrender
There is freedom in this dream of reality I step into
But I have lived enough days
That I know Freedom is a dichotomy
That this dream is a paradox
That most people won’t understand this
I step out of nowhere and every where.