Saturday, December 31, 2005

Moment in time 6:00 p.m - 6:15 p.m

I will never leave
The pealing paint would tell you
Even if I didn't
The shower cascades
Over my bright pink body
I have been in here too long
And yet not long enough
Steam fills the top half of the room
I bend down
My head coming out of the clouds
Like a giant in a fairy tale
I watch the yellow stream
Race the clear stream
Down the grade
Past my feet
Into the drain
I win
I reach for the shut off valve
I know it is not a matter of if
She told
But who?
And How?
I dry my face first
I knew I was fucked
The Second I saw her Pull Away
Cell Phone illuminating the car
Pierceing the safty of the darkness
Before she even pulled into the street
Where is a preverbal bus when you need it?
I don't have to go tonight
Why am I racing to this end?
I just got off work
I try to relax
I sit down
Pour a drink
But every butterfly in my stomache
Tells me drinking it
Would be a bad idea
I pee again
Third time in 10 minutes
5 drops and a small spurt this time
I pee when I get nervous
My Mom says it is cause
I am part irish
But that bitch has lied before

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Candle in the Wind

What exactly is this supposed to mean "sir"?
Who would put a candle in the wind where it would just blow out?
Doesn't seem very responsible.
Can't you put it in a bag?
Or put one of those cones around it?
Protestors seem to do it all the time, plus they are often marching creating more wind and their candles seem ok...
I guess you should just plan ahead for the wind even if it is not there to begin with
or better yet don't light a fucking candle where there is wind in the first place.

***Booming voice** "("Picture Earl Jonesish circa Star Wars IV")"
It is meant as a metaphor for how fragile life is and for living it with reckless abandon.
***Boom Ends***
But life isn't fragile?
It is actually pretty damn resilient.
I can break every bone in your body and your body will heal itself.
You can over come all types of stuff and a race of people living reckless would have become extinct.

I mean isn't a candle a good enough comparison for life all ready?
Burning down every day.
We are all candles and we don't know the size..ohh I just gave myself chills that was awesome.

PS I still like the song
PSS If we can make a wind proof zippo why not a wind proof candle?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

100 Things About Me

Here is 100 about me that you may or may not know....this has been borrowed lovingly from Dawn who stole it from who has stolen it from.....

100.) Favorite winter drink - Tuxedo (Gin, Sherry, Oranage Bitter)
99.) Favorite summer drink - Cucumber Martini - Hendrix Gin, Cucumber
98.) Favorite night cap - Coffee Martini
97.) Favorite morning start - Bloody Mary
96.) Best all around - wine, I love wine red or white it really doesn't matter
95.) I hate beer
94.) If I am drinking beer it is because I have to drive, I am poor, I am around people who I have to keep my guard up
93.) I don't eat potatoe chips if they have green on them or brown spots
92.) I like to make sandwiches with pretzles and BBQ lays chips
91.) I used to smoke camels (pack a day) (prior to Camels was GPC lights don't ask way) I quit the first Friday of September 2005
90.) Everynight I put on headphones and dance (This is how I destress)
89.) I am a good dancer!!!!
88.) If I am really stressed or heavy with thought I go for a long walk
87.) I snore but I hate sleeping with other snorers
86.) My father was killed in a car accident when I was 10
85.) He was hit by a drunk driver
84.) I have driven drunk
83.) My parents were divorced
82.) I have one sister she is two years younger
81.) She lives in CO
80.) We have not talked in a year
79.) I am now 28
78.) My birthday is December 30th
77.) I prefer dark haired women
76.) My first concert I ever went too was Metalica Justice for All
75.) I don't think Martain Lawerance is funny
74.) Clubs make me want to puke even though I used to be in them all the time
73.) I shower from the top down washing my hair, then washing my face, then my body.....lets take a minute and picture
72.) I am a little hard of hearing..seriously
71.) I have been to Iceland and sat in the Blue Lagoon and horse backed through the volcanos
70.) I have been to Spain and drank wine and more wine
69.) I have been to Mexico 3 times and the UK
68.) I have been to Puerto Rico, Canada, All 48 mainland states
67.) I like to swim but rarely do
66.) I love to go to school....I will be in class until I die.the class room makes me feel alive. I know I am sick
65.) I saw one of my friends shoot another friend on accident.
64.) I have the mickeys twist off logo tattooed on my arm.
63.) I got it when I was 16 after I helped a friend of a friend who was starting a tattoo parlor move a dentist chair.
62.) I have had one treatment getting it removed.
61.) It does hurt worse coming off
60.) I think tattoos are static and life is dynamic so I am against them now.
59.) I used to collect mad magizines I have every issue from 1982 to 1992
58.)When I was 13 KARE 11 news followed me around for 4 weeks and documented me trying to quit smoking
57.) I still have the tape if anyone wants to see it.
56.) On two occasions I paid to have professional do home repairs that I took credit for.
55.) I have a hard time letting people get close to me.
54.)I don't think eating meat is wrong, but I have never been able to kill an animal.
53.) I have been hunting 12 times and the last three times I went I didn't even load my gun.
52.) I have never been downhill skiing
51.) I am taking Karate
50.)I have been in 3 "real" fights in my life
49.) I lost the only one that I started
48.)It was over a girl and I was trying to be tough...ops
47.) I have never started a fight since then.
46.)I have broken a mans nose in a fight
45.) I have had my nose broken in a fight
44.)Sometimes I don't speak up when stuff really bothers me
43.) I wear tinted mostierizer because I blush really easy
42.)The last concert I was at was fleetwood mac
41.)I hate watching sports on TV, but love going to the game
40.) I hate buying people wedding presents
39.)I like the sound that is made when you put air in your tires
38.) I hate putting air in my tires
37.)I love the following smells top soil, gasoline, Chocolate, Fire in the Fall, Sex, Mulch, Fresh cut grass, cigars, brandy and vanilla bean noel lotion.
36.) I enjoy folding clothes
35.) I hate ironing
34.) I like to rake and move the leaves across my yard in a line and put them in piles
33.) I hate bagging those piles
32.) I prefer to shovel even though I have a sweet snowblower
31.) I talk to 2 people almost every day for the past 3 years and I have never met them, we don't even live in the same country and yet I count them as amoung my closest friends.
30.) I don't have someone I consider my best friend
29.) I like fake Christmas trees, I think they are fitting
28.) I read a book a week
27.) I always try to be better than I was the day before
26.) I watched the United States of LeLand last night and loved it. (I like to watch weird movies)
25.) I have seen every Cary Grant Movie
24.) I have seen every Hitchcock movie
23.) I sleep in Pajamas well just the bottoms
22.) The first girls I kissed was named Juliet for real
21.) I made a basket to be able to do it(She said if you make the next basket you can kiss me and I did)
20.) I am a good kisser
19.) I work as an I analyze
18.) I love to read reseach papers on genetics and other scientific topics
17.) I like to argue about religion and politics even though I can hear my moms voice constantly rining in the background that it is in poor taste
16.) My favorite hang-outs include pepitos, the local, the lounge and nyes
15.) I am a morning and a night person its the middle that I can do without.
14.) I love to just say outrangous stuff to get a reaction out of people.
13.) 10 and 2 feels good....real men don't mind penatration
12.) I am a leg man...i like legs
11.) I have done or been a part of three things in my life I will take to the grave.
10.) I am super good at keeping a secret even though the impression is otherwise
9.) I have never told anybody the exact amount of people that I have slept with
8.) I enjoy listening to MPR, Classical Music and the Buena Vista Social Club
7.) I don't like taking baths something about lying in your own filth that freaks me out
6.) I stay in the shower for super long periods of time. I usually plan my whole day in there
5.) When I was little I wanted to be a cowboy or a race car driver....then james bond...then scareface now I want to be me
4.)I used to love duck tales the cartoon not the hair cut
3.) I hate fishing....I just don't get it
2.) I usually sit on the floor when I watch TV even though I have a sweet couch
1.) I sometimes uses periods and sometimes not and then there are others that use use me. (This was harder to do than I though....but I still have favorite quotes and junk like that to push me through)

Friday, December 23, 2005

Moment in time 1:30 a.m - 1:45 a.m

The damp sharp cold saps me
Heavy with past drunkenness and fatigue
It is late
My pace quickens
I am tired
The music from the clubs
Is loud in the quiet street
Only 4 blocks left
My burning face
And tingling hands
Tell me to hurry
I have to pee
Should I go in here?
Surrender to this building?
Just for a minute?
Just to be warm?
Everybody inside looks warm
I keep moving
They looked to happy
What time is it?
Who cares
I take a deep breath
A cold wind
Forces air deep inside me
I choke
I touch my glove to my mouth
The snot freezes to the leather
Before the glove is back in my pocket
My feet actually hurt with each hurried step
A vibrating pain starting at the heel and fanning out
1 Block left
I don't have to pee anymore
I can't feel my ears
Tears swell up
But not from the cold
I turn the corner
The blue sign glows so bright
P is for Park
How simple
How grand
How uncomplicated
I open the door to the ramp
I relax
I always wondered if they really monitored these premises
Guess I will find out
Stream rises from my piss
Even though I am technically inside
Things swirl in my head and fight with each other
I am being watched
I don't care
You Fucking Perv
I notice as I yell
I am crying
Why did they say that?
Why did I say that?
The car struggles to start
I am still so fucking cold.....

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Brian Johnson Version 3.0 Six Month Forward Looking Plan

For those of you who are like what the F@#$ is that title all about. I do not believe in resolutions. I am very methodical in practice and use of what I do. I Believe that I can plan and shape my life in the way that I would like it to be so here are my goals for the first 6 months of 2006. And yes if you are wondering this is actually how I spend my days off...planning this stuff.....

1.) Change the nature of my work situation - this is tied to my 3.0 goal of career diversification and pay increase of 35% - At the core of this goal over the next two years is building professional maturity that comes with timely delivery and expanding social network.
PMP Certified
Three successful releases for FD
Two New Suits
Re-join PMI and attend two events
Project managers and Analyst Book clubs
Resume Update and three practice interviews before May 30th

2.) Health - This has become increasingly important to me over the last few years as I have begun to notice age creeping in on me. My goal is to get under 23 on the BMI scale.
I will do this by settling the following as goals
40 Gym Visits - that's right balleys I am back
1 10k Run
30 Karate Lessons - I am going to learn to kick ass and be working-out and getting elective credits for the course how sweet is that?
2 more servings of vegetables or fruit a day
No more trix - switching cereal to something with more fiber(I will miss that rabbit)
Substitute water for 2 of my three diet cokes a day

#3 Finance - because lets face it you have to fund life
Increase long term savings funding 1%
Pay off both credit cards
Finish home improvement (Kitchen and Bathroom)

#4) Personal
Six credits at school - this is half of my usual load as I am going to focus more on work this year
12 Articles submitted for publication
12 books (4 book club, 8 personal)
*This one is just for me*
*Another one just for me*
*Last one just for me*

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Holiday Spirit is on Back Order

Mom my asked me what I would like for a present this year....yes i am 28 years old and my mother still asks me such things. I actually thought about it this year and you know what? I don't want any presents. A stark contrast to the begging little kid whose list for santa rivaled the yellow pages, but I am older and during the year i treat myself and those around around me. I don't enjoy christmas anymore and see an ever growing need to revise my association with it.

Festivus is looking good and starting next year I will be having an annual party in its in 365 days please feel free to stop by my house with a sixer or a bottle of wine and we will do that which we do the whole year through and raise a glass in each others company to each other....what better present can there be then toasting to the people whom bring joy into my life the whole gift required, in fact it you bring one you will be kick out, leave the dogma at the door and raise the glasses up....salute

Friday, December 16, 2005

Being miserable...

Heard this today and thought it was interesting....."I would rather be miserable and be with somebody than be miserable and alone."

The concept of the excuses for this statement amused me. In one I have a possible scape goat...i.e I am miserable because of you. The other I am miserable because of me, is a little harder to deal with. It implies that I have a personal responsibility for the state of my well being.
I must admit I like that. If I am miserable because of me, I can be happy because of me. If my states are dependent on another person then so is my happiness.

Or maybe I just read to much into this and it is just saying I prefer to commiserate with others?But either way doesn't the saying show a dependency that is harmful?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Player vs the Game....

"Don't hate the player hate the game.....You damn sell-out" These were words that leaked into our final discussion in Political Science class last night and for some reason they stuck with me.

Because isn't this statement followed by the cursing of someone as a "sell-out" really in effect saying that you are hating the player? Isn't the so-called sell out just playing the game? In in most cases doing a better job than you?

Why do we hate the players of the game so much?
Why would I rather be called a bitch than an ass kisser?

I admit I hurl this insult at people who I work with who are just better able to form relationships with the "right" people than I can and they hurl it at me where I am better able to manifest relationships then they are. As I search my own hating of the player I find that my "hating" comes not from some kind of moral outrage as I would like people to believe, but from jealousy masked as indignation.

So I will change this quote henceforth ("Don't hate the player hate the game, unless they are different than you or better than you then tear their ass to sheds so you can feel better about yourself.")
Or Learn to deal with it...what ever works for you

Monday, December 12, 2005

Como eres.....?

There is a passage in book Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil that goes something like this...When you are in Augusta they ask what school you went to. When you are in Macon, they ask what church you belong to. When you are in Atlanta, they ask you where you work and when you are in Savannah, they ask what do you like to drink.

I thought about this in the context of questions people ask me and questions that I ask people. With the holidays in full effect I have had the opportunity to attend a quite a few parties recently and has, luck would have it a few of these were parties were ones where I only knew one or two other people. (Normally I am not a fan of large crowds of people whom I do not know, not that I am a recluse why do I always feel like I have to defend this? uggg I digress) but I had an experiment to carry out. I went up and talked to the people I did not know and just paid attention to the questions and reactions that we batted back and forth....

Like for example when asked what I do it will come up where I work and that I go to school..

Here is kind of an example..I paid attention mostly to the lead off question to a statement under the assumption that the lead off was the person really wanted to know..

Me: I am also a student
(Several options for another person to respond all have implication to what that person is like or concerned about here where the nights most common.)

Other: Where do you go? - I tended to dislike the elitist connotation of this question if it was the lead off question and tended to not like the asker, but ironically I found my self asking this as a lead off question too...I was the prick that I hated?

What do you study? - This is question I appreciated the most. And it often brought up health discussion on topics and I tended to be drawn to people who asked this.

How long do you have left? - People who asked this in the lead off spot looked at life as an ordeal to be dealt with. There was usually a water and oil thing that happened.

What I learned: Q and A sessions were pissing contests to see pecking order, dominance, compatibility. The whole process disturbed me a little bit, not only the reaction of others but also the shallowness and reaction of myself.

I did not speak a word all day Sunday

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Election of Judges

Doesn't the election of Judges pose an ethical problem? Tort Reform for example is a big action item on the landscape for US business. As we have seen in Texas, business can be very effective raising money on behalf of a canted for a judgeship. Isn't the process however in effect bribing the court? I am paying to have a person installed in a position of power that is going to make legal decisions in my favor. (Hey...This is what congress is for) I know justice is not blind but shouldn't there at least exist the perception of impartiality The second largest fundraiser for judges....drum roll please.....the lawyers that will be appearing in the court. As a plaintiff or gulp a defendant, doesn't that bias the decision that is supposed to be granted fairly on my behalf? Especially since any money that is changing hands between these people is invisible to me as I am sitting in court?

P.S Here is Minnesota the appointment process for Judges is very sneaky. They are supposed to be elected in general elections but watch this. If a Judge retires during his term, the replacement is picked by the governor. The replacement picked by the governor then runs on the ballot as the incumbent. An Incumbent has such a high probability of winning they often run unopposed. The majority of voters not knowing any information on a candidate will overwhelmingly select the candidate that is listed on the ballot as the incumbent……so please be aware of the stacking of judges by the governor the paying and financing of elections on behalf of judges and when you vote, select the non-incumbent.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Shake that laffy taffy?

If a woman were to shake that laffy taffy, what exactly would she be shaking? I am guessing that a stretched out piece of taffy could resemble a clitoris but I cannot be for certain? Anyone have any insight on this that they can share?

P.S Is this really what passes for a hit song? *Weeping for the youth with humps and lovely lady lumps check it out she’s got me..*

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

What makes a belief acceptable?

(Warning this thought isn't as flushed out as I would like it, I hope I can be granted some latitude, I hope to further refine this through some discussion and repost a revised copy in the future, so let us debate)

I cannot disprove that Heavens gate cult dressed up in Nikes and killed themselves allowing their bodies to transcend time and space into a spaceship that was trailing a comet. They could be on a sweet ship cruising around the universe. It could have happened, but I do not believe that is what happened. I believe that they were mentally disturbed, that their longing to believe and be accepted lead them into a situation where they were taken advantage of for someone elses gain. Why do people dismiss the belief in the space ship they died for, but will fight to the death for the promise of some paradise in the next life? Does that not sound just as obscene? It lacks just as much evidence. They would have me believe that this world is nothing more than an entrance exam into a garden paradise. That life is reduced to checkbox of do you believe yes or no? I hear the argument all of time that God makes life worth living...I think the belief in god diminishes the value life insomuch that a belief in eternal existence lessens the value of a fixed duration of time which is your

This led me to the thinking of what constitutes a belief? What makes it ok to believe in something?
Is it ok to believe in something because many other people do? (Heavens gate members outnumbered the apostles and it took a while for that message of Christianity to catch on maybe the next time the comet passes millions will believe in it?) I do not believe that either. I think the apostles sound just as insane as any member of heavens gate cult does. I mean it is not as if anybody in the New Testament is an authoritative figure in science...fishermen tax collectors, no doctors where available? Wait that is probably a good thing since medical practice was quite antiquated...hopefully we have learned in the last 2000 years that health has nothing to do with demon possession. Numbers do influencee belief, the more people believe in something the more acceptablee it is to hold that believe, note that this is not the same thing as the belief being true..and since it is not a measure of something being true the amount of people who believe in something is not a good indication thatI should believe in it.

Mythology,Legend or Ritual?
Should I believe in something because of ancient writing and landmarks or simply because it has, been done for so long? Zeus had his own Mt Zion called Olympus stories of his great works were acted out on stage and told to children. Oracles communicated with him. Followers saw evidence of spats in the heavens with lightening and thunder and then suddenly he feel out of histories favor. Authority in Rome said Christianity was to be the law of the land (Most Religious Leaders and Worshipers would be well advised to study this period. Note the Canonization Process, Formation of the Church, the actual creation of the new testament (since it was written down decades after the death of Christ) the dissolving of divergent Christian sects that all were founded by apostles with radically different beliefs than we hold today)

So is it authority should I believe what someone else says because they are in a position of authority? This is a tricky question I would say yes and no. I would say no if it was forced and non-transparent. I would say yes if that person is an expert and leaves the process open to debate, challenge, explanation...but this would not suppose authority it would suppose proof!

Proof? (Or at least supported conjecture)
This is what should quantify belief (IMO) that there is enough empirical evidence to support a conjecture.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Brian by Numbers

Apperntly i am coming off cold, distant and have been added so some watch i thought it a good idea to let people know a little more about get ready for Brian by numbers

NINE Things on my mind
1.) Why do people need to believe in god?
2.) Why am I so depressed all the time?
3.) What would make me happy?
4.) Is my fly down?
5.) Do they like me?
6.) Should I kill them? (joking, but it did cross my mind)
7.) Am i ever going to be as sucessful as i want to be?
8.) Why am i still here when i know better?
9.) Is it ok that i don't develope the attachments to other people that other people seems to hold in such high esteem?

EIGHT Things I touch every day
1.) Coffee Cup (usually filled with tea, but I hate using the word teacup because i think it is demeaning to the tea.)
2.) My balls (just making sure you guys are still there, hi Mom)
3.) My laptop....ahhhhh
4.) My dog ...Anyone want to go outside?
5.) My cell phone if it wasn't always turned to silent and i answered it more i bet people would start to call me again...wait i don't like talking on the phone so don't get any ideas plus calling is rude it places you demands of time on someone else...leave me a message or send me an email i will respond when it is best for me...what a fucking wonder you are lonley.
6.) Preping materials (soap, razor, etc)
7.) A book....latley just school related but a book no less and yes for all this technology i love the deel of flipping through the pages of a book.
8.) A person not alway the person and the parts i would like it to be but hey...

SEVEN Things I Shouldn't Do
1.) Be mean to water girl...or just talk about people in general
2.) Lie....Damn
3.) Beat myself up
4.) Drink so much....Damn
5.) Spend so much money...get it under control dill weed (see #3)
6.) Make out with tons of beautiful girls (see #2)
7.) Be afriad to go for the world in my dreams no matter what that means

SIX Things I want to do before I die
1.) Live Abroad
2.) Enter a Dance Contest (Actually it is to be the worlds greatest dancer but thats not a SMART goal)
3.) Become a Ninja
4.) Be a dad
5.) Be a millionare
6.) Be happy with me

FIVE Things I wish I could teach the world
1.) God does not exsit and that is ok
2.) You don't have to believe in God to be a good person who is full of virtue
3.) Convention can be over turned
4.) The pie gets bigger:)
5.) The world can be better nothing is set in stone

FOUR Things I am wearing
1.) Socks with little checkers (not white ones for a large part of life I only wore white socks now I feel weird in them)
2.) Peacoat because damn it is cold
3.) Jeans that are pulled up and not 4 sizes too big
4.) A smile that masks the complications that are just below the surface

THREE People I would like to trade places with for a week
1.) Jude Law
2.) Jesus lets just settle this all once and for all.
3.) A guy with a huge penis

TWO People I miss (There is a ton of you SOB's you know who you are)
1.) My Dad (although i am not sure i remember him enough to miss him or i just miss the idea of my father)
2.) Eddie - To go back I would do it all different and anybody who says different hasn't taking enough risks to realize right from wrong...I wish sorry was enough but sometimes its just not. I am sorry and I love you.

ONE Thing that makes me sick
1.) Bush and all the support our troops bumpersticks and the blood thing is fucked and people cheer him on make me want to puke. The next person who comes up to me asking to pray for him is getting knocked out...