Thursday, July 31, 2008


Due to the graphic nature and sometimes volient reactions of people this slur is levedied against, I tend to reserve the use of Cunttropolis to only the most extreme cases.

Kind of an in emergcy break the glass kind of slur.

Append Fucking to the front of it and stand back cause they will swing at you...even though most of them have it coming.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Jello Shot to the Heart

Recently I was at a party surprise, surprise. When suddenly appeared the crowning glory of all parties trying to relive the glory days of college well into our thirties....The Jello Shot.

I sucked mine down after a brief toast that I forgot the moment after I heard it and prepared to arc it across the room into the waste basket, when I suddenly stopped and got really sad.

The trash bin was already over flowing with little plastic cups and it suddenly occurred to me that this little cup that brought me .00002 seconds of joy was going to be littering a land fill for close to million years. Hardly seems like a fair trade.

Imaging a world where China and India have the economic capacity to be just as careless with the environment as I am.

Billions of little plastic cups covering the earth forever.

My heart actually hurt looking at that waste bin.

And I know I have taken my last jello shot.

For those of you who are curious I did not throw that cup out. I brought it home and it is sitting on my mantel.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Human Flower - Water Me

After a couple of nice passive aggressive comments from my neighbors about how I am letting my lawn cook without any thought to the rest of the neighborhood I began to think a little bit about my water consumption.

After all isn't it kind of silly that I am watering my grass when half of the world lacks potable water?

So I drained my toilet and measured the water in the tank.....2 gallons every flush

I plugged the shower when I went and then filled up gallon buckets with all of the water that collected in the tub...10 gallons. (Yeah I know there is evaporation and dirt and soap that made it into the bucket but for the sake of this exercise I was just going for rough counts)

Pot of coffee, 3 mixers, 4 glasses of water(Probably typical of what I drink in an average day measured out, and although there is sugar and other stuff in there I assume most of it is really water) .....2.5 gallons

We have auto flush urinals at work that the manufactures website says use a half gallon a flush.

So here is my water usage.

Home toilet 4 flushes per day 8 gallons
Shower 10 gallons
Drinks 2.5 gallons
Work toilet 4 uses for 2 gallons
(Laundry 2 gallons 3x per week
Dishes 2 gallons per night we will say three gallons for home maintenance per day)

25.5 gallons a day * 365 or 9307.5 gallons a year *70 years = 651,525 in a life time.

I know in Minneapolis we treat and re-use water very efficiently so that very little of the water I use is wasted.

Brian in Minneapolis's Water Usage @ the current price of gas (3.68) = $34,251.00 per year
Brian in Minneapolis's Water Usage in liters = 35,182 liters per year

I don't know why I did this or why I tell I just know I feel better now knowing this.

Man Decisions.

Almost everyday men are confronted with the following decision

Normally the thought process should go like this....I am 5 foot nothing I should use the toilet for shorter people.

But for some reason this never happens. i hate going into the bathroom and seeing short people at the bigboy urinal. Don't do it. If I use the little pee that has to fall that far tends to splatter and spray. As you can imagine this is not a desirable effect.

If I go into the bathroom and there is a shot guy using the tall toilet I will actually wait for them to finish even if all of the other toilets are open.

It is ok you are short deal with it.

If not you henceforth run the risk of me peeing on your shoe.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Weekend ReCap


Read: Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. I love books like this and despite her personal rant at the end of the book it was fascinating.

Drinks: Tailgate and Frenchmans


Drove to Madison then Lake Mills for a party.

Drinks @ Carps Landing and Sporty's

Drove back and spent the rest of the day moaning in what can only be described as hangover hell.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Alternative Theory #698523 - Black-market for Polar Icecaps

When enough of the polar ice caps melt they will reveal huge pipelines that span the entire globe. Pipelines that have been slowly blending and stealing polar ice for years and shipping it to slushy and sno cone vendors across the globe in an underground black market for ice. These pipelines are controlled by the SSC (No I am not talking about the bondage guidelines for Safe Sane and Consensual) I am talking about the Sno-Cone Cartel.

Armed with ice picks and some of the worlds finest gelato they hide in plain sight among amusement parks and carnivals.

Buying sno-cones and slushies directly contributes to the vast climate changes we are experiencing as well as putting money in the hands of criminals.

I am going to immediately petition congress for a task force to crack down on this unauthorized ice harvest that is depleting the nation and contributing to global warming.

Right after I enjoy this Blue Razz Sno-cone

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Lifes Lake

I am standing on this bridge that goes over a huge water way.
I look out into and endless sea of fishing bobbers
Bobbers getting pulled under occasionally by a nibble.
Some reappear
Some don't
Sometimes the stress on the line
Causes it to snap
When I look closer I can see bobbers are human heads
Burnt red by the sun
Pulled under by bottom feeders
They scream as they go under
But it is that distorted scream
The one you can only barley make out under water
More of a frequency of terror and distress
Then anything verbal
I see my face in the sea
I am going under
A short bob
Then I am back again
A longer bob
I don't have much time
Where is fucking fisherman?
Where is my pole
Some body reel this in.
I am watching myself drown
In temptation
From the edge of a bridge.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Fine Line Between Being Confident and a Prick.

I was recently sitting across from two crust friends. (Friends that don't make up the filling but define the edge of your circle) Peripheral friends if you feel more comfortable with that term.

They are both cocky little shits in very similar ways yet I really like one of them and I really hate the other.

This got me thinking is there a fine line where you cross over from being confident to being a prick, and if so where is that line?

After I started to think about it I came to the conclusion that being a prick is having fake confidence. A confidence mask.

A prick doesn't take advise, covers up weakness and over compensates or make others feel bad, stays in their comfort zone.

A person who is confident with themselves holds their own console but also can take advise, laugh at themselves, are OK with their weaknesses, don't need to belittle other people can explore and is not afraid of being a beginner.

When I realized that was the difference between the two I also noticed that I am a bit of each...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

New Word - Block- Squash

We have all heard of a "block-head" meaning a person is thick headed, stubborn and dense.

I would like to propose a new phrase to the English archive - Block Squash meaning a person who is stubborn for no reason. The inside of their block is all mushy and rotted with garbage and devoid of any structure. It is not so much stubborn as it is the mush and mud of apathy. The tires of thought spinning endlessly in the mud of their mind.

The benefit of being one of the first to use this phrase is that people have no idea I am insulting them. They think that guy is just talking mad gibberish.

You can actually.... if you pay attention, watch the insult sail past their vacant eyes and become engulfed in the grey mashed potato-ed squash that once held so much promise as their brain.

Do not try to pick this persons brain or you will get some on you like a soup spilled into your engine or a greasy stain down the front of your shirt.

Block Squash

Monday, July 21, 2008

Weekend ReCap


Read....Just to make sure I finished it by Breakfast Tomorrow;)

Tailgate:) My Sister was in town from Denver so it was a must.


Finished Reading 1421 The Year China Discovered America, by Gavin Menzies

Three things I learned

1.) it is better to have moderate advances then grand ones especially if you are a leader depending on taxes from millions of people who are on the poverty line.
2.) The north star only works for navigation in the northern hemisphere.
3.)The plants and animals described by the author as evidence could have been brought over the artic land bridge during the last migration, this could also explain why DNA is so similar in specific pockets between Indians and Chinese.
4.) You can always see what you want to see in the evidence and it still might not be true.

At the end of the book though I was kind of like so what.. The sample thing has happened in mathematics and chemistry with the Arabs and Muslims, Building techniques with the Egyptians, Democracy with the Greeks. While it was interesting the evidence was iffy and causality was weak. Plus does is really matter if no colonies where established or historical imprint left?

Went to Canterbury Downs Watched some races in the New York Life Box

Drank a bottle of wine and home and just kind of stared off into space until I was completely ravaged by mosquitoes.

Went into work to do a couple of application rebuilds.


Watched: In Burges. This was a great movie and one of the best endings I have seen in a long time.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Somethings Wrong With Me - Get Out Whitey

The across the street and in back of me have recently sold and I have gotten new neighbors.

Now if you picture this I live in a quiet neighborhood on the south side of Minneapolis where the majority of people are white. As are both my new neighbors.

Circa: 2:30am I thought I stumbled on the funniest thing in the world why not spray paint "Get Out Whitey" on my new neighbors house.

I could just picture them coming out in the morning and wondering what the fuck.

I don't know why I thought this was so funny but it pissed off a large section of my guests.

*I would also like to give a shout out to Home Depot for refusing to sell me spray paint after I arrived via Taxi @ 3:30 in the morning. Good looking out.

* This part may have been embellished for dramatic effect.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Reason I am An Asshole #2541752

Here is some good entertainment for $5 on your next lunch break.

Step #1 - Pull up to a busy lunchtime drive though.

Step #2 - Order a fish sandwich. (By sales volume the least ordered item)

Step #3 - Pay for the the item.

Step #4 - Get out of line quickly before you pick up your food and get to a place quickly where you can watch all the cars after you get the wrong orders.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people will drive off without looking at their order. Or the kind of mayhem this can cause during the lunch rush. Don't ask me why I think this is funny it really isn't but I can't help laughing to myself.

This only works on lunch because the dinner rush people are ordering for full families and quickly notice any errors. Plus lunch people are too busy trying to get back to the office to notice anything.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Brian in Minneapolis Decimal System

Life expectancy.

I don't want to extend the end of my life I want to extend the middle.

I want to add little decimal years in my 30's and 40's. Sub years right in the middle of the goods times. Then I freaked myself out when I realized there is decimals in between my years they are called days.

I want to stop rounding my life to whole number. I want to enbrace all of its decimal points

I am 30.517808219 Did I enjoy that .0078? or the .0000082?

I can insert decimals places into my life in the middle just by enjoying today:)

So I am off to celebrate because before the night falls and the morning comes again.... I will be 30.52054794505 and I might not rember how important this moment was. I might go back to glossing over time. Rounding my life off one way or another...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Grow a Pair....

One of the primal slams that is uttered between men is the slang term, "Grow a pair." Meaning be a man, or be assertive and go after what you want.

Incidentally it is usually used for a macho form of manipulation to get you to actually do what someone else wants you to. Having the opposite effect. If you actually do what someone wants you to do after they say this to you your pair actually shrinks since they have manipulated you into being less assertive and into doing what they want you to do.

Attacking your manhood in exchange for stealing your time.

Now it is not always used as such and some people do need a little prodding to be more assertive in living their life but then who am I to decide where that line is for someone else? This is why I never say such things.

The hyper extreme of this is elephantiasis where one person always try's to bully everyone else into doing what they want to. Huge nuts that makes it hard for them to be around and people to get close to since you never quite know when they are going to pop.

I think I will just stay with my regular nuts the ones I can maintain by doing what I want most of the time, but not being beyond compromise for the ones I hold dear.

(PS. Why are you looking at my nuts anyways?)

(PSS. Nuts are not very attractive and growing a pair or making them bigger is probably not a good idea from a date-ability standpoint.)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Weekend ReCap


Had some friends in town from Milwaukee and took them to the finest drinking establishment in the world - Tailgate (Talked them into sponsoring Fall Kickball:)


Breakfast @ IKE's seriously all you can eat for $15 it is off the hook.

Cursed for about an hour trying to drive around the city and every road was either closed for construction of because of the stupid Triathlon.

Went to Lake Calhoun

Read - The Drunkards Walk - How Randomness Rules Our Life, by Leonard Mlodinow. I loved this book before I even picked it up.

What are there more words of? 5 letter words ending with "N", or 6 letter words ending with "ING"?

Dinner @ Britts

Drinks @ On Solera's roof top, Imperial Room and Rosens


Slept all day like a bum.

Watched Vantage Point. This movie was pretty good. It was just what I was in the mood for some mindless action from a different angle that didn't make me think too hard.

Dinner and Wine @ Shiraz. It was a belly dancing convention seriously how can you pass that up? Hot. I am seriously thinking about moving to Turkey.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Cherry Picking with Brian In Minneapolis

Very few things excite me more then a trip to the book store. (Yeah I know I am getting old but hey I figure I have already had my chest shaved by a midget so it is probably someone else's turn to ride the excitement train.)

I could spend hours upon hours walking and looking through shelves, reading exerts, and filling up a basket of goodies.

I usually read one book a week and it I usually something like this.

1 - Popular modern fiction book. I pick these for a few reasons one lots of people read them so they are good for conversation. I also love feeling the pulse of what people enjoy. Same reason also applies for why I watch Chick Flicks. Plus they are usually light, fun, easy and a nice break from reality.

1 - Classic fiction. I love reading good old books. There is universal truth in them it is the reason they have been in print for hundreds of years. Sometimes I get saddened as if TV and movies killed the golden age of the literate. Don't get me wrong I am all for the evolution of mediums as they go to new heights, but I can't help but hate the feeling of auto-pilot as I watch a movie. My mind shuts down as I am blasted at a 1000 frames a second with someone else imagination. It is why I really try hard to limit the amount of TV and movies I watch.

1 - Popular based Non-Fiction book. No Autobiographies under any circumstance.

1 - One contextual Non-Fiction book - Back ground, history, ancient texts, Aristotle etc. Classic works of Non-Fiction. I love doing this for two reasons one it helps explain the way we think and act today. Two it shows me to be humble just as 2000 years ago we thought we had it all figured out, 2000 years from now we will realize we had no idea. Knowledge and understanding is elastic and ever expanding and I love reading the minds of those who went before me. Those who tested and guessed at the networking's of the universe and occasionally prospected something worth while.

1 - Trade Journal - something new to me. Whether it is technology, bee keeping, quilting, hog farming, robotics, chemistry, high times, bridal showers, etc. The point is just to be exposed to something I have never known in depth before. I love thinking about how something in one industry might apply to something in another and at the very least it gives you something to talk about with people you might never talk to and there is something beautiful in that.

I am also always open to expanding my horizons through recommendations so feel free to pass any along that fit into these categories.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Vodka is the Bartels and James of Hard Liquor

MTRR - I am a vodka drinker

Vodka by definition is a clear, colorless, orderless and tasteless liquor. In theory at least the more expensive the vodka the closer to the taste of water it is supposed to be.

(I say in theory because in 23 taste testings I have given not a single person has been able to correctly identify and correlate 6 different types of vodka by blind taste test.)

This got me to thinking if vodka is supposed to be colorless and orderless making the taste invisible to the user what is the difference between a vodka drinker and a person who consumes Bartel's and James because, "they don't like the taste of liquor"

This made me think..Is there a type of person who is more likely to be this kind of person? I will call this person a skip to results person or an invisible drunk.

For example this person like to be drunk or buzzed but not the process of getting there. They don't enough liquor for it sake but rather the by-product and try to achieve that by-product as painlessly as possible.

Does the invisible drunk exhibit this behavior in other aspects of their life like sex? Concerned only about the orgasm rather then enjoying the process of getting to the orgasm?

Do I savor the ride? Or dive to the result?

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

If She Smokes She Pokes - Pobability Study

We have all heard the term, "If she smokes she pokes" But how do we know if it is true?

The study I would like to do is along the same lines as this. If a person engages in one type of risky behavior are they more or less likely to engage in another.

For example if a person smokes are the more or less likely to use condoms when having sex?

How do I study this? And I know smoking and other risk factors are not directly correlated but by-products of something else but I just thought it would be an interesting endeavor.

All thoughts comments and methods will be considered for this paper.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Shut the Fuck Up

I was sitting in a meeting listening to some jackass run off at the mouth for close to sixty minutes.

After I finished fantasizing about what it would be like to have sex with every woman in the room I began to fantasize that I would walk up behind him with a rag soaked in chloroform and make him pass out like in the movies.

Not wanting to hurt him mind you. Just let him take a nap while the rest of us escaped into the light.

This thought in my head lead to me breaking out in hysterical laughter that I could not control. I had tears running down my face and had to excuse myself.

I don't know why but I have not laughed that hard in a long time.

I would like to thank you for that Mr. I don't know when to shut the fuck up.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Week(End) ReCap


Busters on 28th. I was biasesd against this place the moment I sat down and ordered a Jack and Coke and was told they only serve beer and wine..WTF? How can you call yourself a bar? The decent food will not be enough to get me to go back anytime soon.

Then Tailgate:)


Dinner @ Nami

Drinks @ Loop, Ugly Mug, Champs, Refuge :)


Carnival and VFW in Richfield. It was perfectly trashy cheap beers decent coverbands and a short drunk walk home.

FYI - For some reason I hate watching fireworks...




Read: Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. I wanted to hate this book when I picked it up. I usually hate reading popular garbage but to be honest I could not put this book down. I read it through in a single reading an immediatly passed it along to a friend. It was a great summer afternoon easy read.

Drinks Local, Seven Rooftop, Ikes.


Cleaned out the attic of my house and carted off two truck loads of junk to the good will. I wonder why it is that the more stuff I get rid of the calmer I feel?

Watched Drillbit Taylor

Friday, July 04, 2008

Happy Dependency Day

I find it ironic that tonight we will have some of the largest fireworks displays in history celebrating our independence as a country, during a time in our brief history that we have never been more dependant on others.

We are dependant on China to buy our bonds to keep our economy a float.
We are dependant on cheap labor abroad to keep our lifestyle up.
We are dependant on foreign energy to keep our cities moving and way of life flowing.
We are dependant upon pills to gloss over the harsh realities of our lives.
We are dependant upon 2000 year old parchments for salvation
We are dependant up credit to buy a life we can not afford and a government that is little more then an elaborate pyramid scheme.

My wish for tonight is that a fire cracker will explode so bright that our sleepy nation will see the house of cards we are standing on.
That its light will illuminate the minds, innovation, willingness to work hard, the need for change that is locked in our dark basement.

My wish is that this light will come from our own fireworks. Our own determination to change and persevere.

My fear is that this light will come from bomb at the hands of others.

Unless we use this day to truly mark the begging of a new revolution. A new independence day. A new way forward.

The light is coming ....The only question is: which one it will be?

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Thee Evolution of Language and the Danger of taking the Bible Verbatim

How English has changed over the last 1000 years: The 23rd Psalm: Research by Jarod Diamond

Modern (1989)
The lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He lets me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me to still waters.

King James(1611)
The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me besides the still waters

Middle English (1100 - 1500)
Our lord gouerneth me, and nothyng shal defailen to me
In the sted of pastur he sett me ther
He norissed me upon the water of fyllyng

Old English (800 - 1066)
Drihten me raet, ne byth me nanes godes wan
And he me geset on swythe good feohland
And fedde me be waetera stathum.

Now if I say...
I let you suck my dick or I maketh you suck my dick they tend to mean different things not to mention that there has been some artistic liberties taken since no where in the original does it mention the color of the pasture or is there mention of the a shepherd.

This is a great example to bring to your church and ask a pastor. (even the name pastor for a person of pasture as someone who tend a flock is a modern edition with little connection to the original) My guess is if you did this for each of your favorite passages you would see how each generation has re-writen the supposed rock of gods word for their own purposes greatly distorting the original intent. It is one of the reasons I get sick when ever I hear people saying that they take their version of the bible to be a literal translation of the word of god.

You might want to read a little further between the lines...

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Say Again Sam and Reason I am an Asshole #25415

Some quotes I have heard lately that I really liked.

"They say it is hard at the top but believe me it is even harder at the bottom" - Ozzy Osbourne

"History is written by the victors and music is written by those they oppress"

"If the clock appears to move faster then it did in sixth grade it is only because we haven't actualized our power as adults to set our own recess schedule"
Rolf Potts

I really am an

Girl - "Hi you remember me?"

Brian in Minneapolis, (Smiles fakely)

Girl - "You said I looked like LC from the hills last night"

Brian In Minneapolis (Leans into the bar tender who is listening) "When you hear me start to say shit like that please take my keys"

Girl - "Oh my god you are such an asshole"

Brian in Minneapolis, (Smiles fakely)"ok I am sorry. How about you buy me 10 shots and we start over?"

Girl (Leaves making a rude finger gesture)

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Blogger Feature and My Final Words

There is a recent feature of blogger that lets you schedule posts to be published in the future. I can write something today and have it published a week from now no matter where in the world I am....if I am even still in the world.

It gave rise to a morbid thought.

It gives me the ability to insure one final communication from me in the case of my sudden death.

I can write my all of my secrets, my last words, my farewell, my thanks, my thoughts, and have it set to be published in the future. Every time I get close to that date I just readjust the time for further in the future.

My last words, my testament, my own eulogy delivered by me.

Just waiting in the wings for me to not be there to move the date.

A game of chicken with the unknown end of my life.

What would you say if you had to give your own eulogy...

Hopefully you will have to wait a long time to see mine...