Friday, November 28, 2008

We Won The Election?

One of my favorite topics to get into discussions about is race anyone who knows me knows I love to stray into the taboo areas of our social realm and challenge assumptions that rarely ever get examined.

Sitting @ a bar talking politics and the man next to me says

Man: "We finally beat you and got one of our own into the White House."

- Now for the record I voted for Obama but I was curious to see where this was going.

Brian in Mpls: "Really, who did?"

Man: "We did motherfucker, we all went out and voted and got him in."

Brian in Mpls: "How do you explain then that Obama lost in almost every state that has a high concentration of American Americans?"

Man: "What? Don't talk crazy. You can't prove that."

Well I couldn't at the time but I can now...anyone want to place the red and blue state diagram over this census population picture and tell me what you see?
I don't see why it had to be about race and not just people looking for change and the right person to lead the change.

PS. Anyone want to levy any conjectures about the states with the highest African American population voting overwhelmingly for McCain? Possibly the implications this data has on American race issues and relations?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Pricing for Risk

The rate on your card is supposed to be reflective of the amount of risk you carry with a credit card company. Priced out because they know a certain amount of people within a given set of demographics is likely to default. For example if you have bad credit you might pay 25% on your card because people with the same credit criteria as you have shown that x amount of people in x(y) population are likely to default this way the credit card can cover the losses of people in this group who will not pay.

In essence they are covering their risk of loss by charging you a higher interest rate.

But what if they can't lose? What if no matter what they can garnish your wages, have you pay for their legal fees etc..? What if they can't lose? Then aren't you being ripped off paying a high interest rate to begin with?

So they are charging you for risk they don't really have.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Homeless People and Dogs

If you think about it, a homeless person is a dogs wet dream of an owner. They are on a permanent walk, they get to be outside all day and they get to eat out of the trash without anyone yelling at them.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Ownership vs. Experience - The Mastery Fallacy

"Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car"
-Carrie Snow

Yes Carrie you have a vagina and I am happy for you. I would also like to wager that despite my lack of a vagina I have more vaginal experience then you. I have seen multiple vagina's up close. I have experimented extensively with them. Seen their capacity for excepting various objects up close. I would be willing to bet that despite your ownership of the object I have greater experience with it.

Just because you have something doesn't make you the expert.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Weekend ReCap


Met an old friend for a 2-4-1 @ Tailgate


Typed a paper

Read: Factomtum by Charles Bukowski it was good similar to his book Women but probably the last one i will read by him.

Watched: Iron Man and loved it.


Went for a walk.

Watched Flags of Our Fathers and in the vain of Saving Private Ryan this was a great movie.


Had Dinner with Mom in Minneapolis @ The Old Country Buffet

Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Truth Is....

I am happy:)

I might bitch a lot about my current financial situation and don't get me wrong it sucks, but then a million little things remind me that I have a wonderful life.

A hair tie
An email
A phone call
A comment
Your hug
A card
2 4 1's
My couch
A fire
A ball
Cheap wine
The library
Being under a million comforters
Coffee @ home
Time to reflect
Just walking

The truth is I have had a lot more things and been a lot less happy then I am right now and I owe you that and I won't forget it ever.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Who Says You Can't Kick A Dead Horse?

(Sorry I know this is a little insensitive but it is hard to be sensitive when you are being beaten death by the long arm of the law. I don't really feel this way anymore but I got a laugh when I fond this in my folder today)

Who says you can't kick a dead horse...

For Capitol One and Messerli & Kramer it is just another steal toe party.

Some things I scribbled whilst sitting in court...

Compounding Disinterest

Action Taken:
3-Application denied by financial institution
Brian's Reduction on a HMDA Transmittal
Your seed money and my coffins nails
Hennepin County Fourth Court District Case #XXXXXXXXX
Spread them .....further
This call is for Brian Johnson, by continuing to listen to this call you acknowledge you
This is an attempt to collect a debt any information obtained will be
Do you want to live press 1 followed by the pound

Christmas Wishes for Capitol One and Messerli & Kramer

I wish you the same kind of happiness you obviously wish for me.

I hope all of your children's toys were made and China with the best lead paint that they had available while your toddler is at a teething point in their life.

May that irregular piece of meat go down the wrong pipe and stick there just long enough for you to feel deaths desperate hand.

May your condoms break and your mistresses infect you and your family with sores.

May your cat scan results reveal it is nothing trivial.

But mostly I wish that all of the misery and pain that you inflict on this world shows up at your door step in never ending waves that will slowly rip apart the entire fabric of your lives, washing away everything you hold dear, leaving you exactly where you just left me.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Hmmmm. I was waiting for a pizza to cook when I noticed the top of the wrapper that said , "Made with 100% (Kraft) Cheese"

Now I eat enough Mac and Cheese to understand what Kraft thinks cheese is, but the way the wrapper is worded I think alot of people would be confused that the pizza is made with 100% cheese (pure cheese).

The use of the word Kraft in the logo in effect puts quotes around the whole cheese concept making it suspect.

I decided to call customer care on the back of the wrapper and get a comment from them....I still have not heard back. I will keep you posted

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Log Splitter AKA The Kate Moss Effect

Log Splitter: Noun: Used to describe a woman who is so thin her pubic bone threatens to turn your dick into a canoe.

“She was a log splitter.”

Other endearing terms include, “Buck Tooth Beaver”, “Cave Cunt”

So go ahead and have seconds…please.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Context Along Racial Lines

What fun would it be if the world you saw today didn't change a little bit because you came to visit me?

With the outcome of the election there has been a lot of talk about race in America. For some reason people assume that racism caused slavery this always puzzles me since slavery has existed for thousands of years before the first slaves were brought to what is now the United States. The constitution of the United States conflicting with the practice of slavery in America is what caused racism....racism was an effect not a cause of slavery. This is why the majority of slaves that were brought to the so called New World ended up in Brazil or countries other then the United States. (Less then 7% of all slaves taken from Africa were brought to the United States) The other countries have much different racial identifies then our own since they did not have the contradiction of practice vs. principle that we had in America.

I wonder if it would also surprise people that more Europeans were brought to Africa as slaves then Africans were brought to the United States as slaves during roughly the same period of history? (Challenge to the notion that the practice of slavery only disrupted, destroyed families etc of Africans)

By almost a 2:1 margin.

Interesting isn't it? (Barbary Pirates vs. African Slave Trade)

One thing I wish I could get people more involved in is world history instead of American History. To study just the later is to lose context.

What group of people is the biggest recipient by dollar volume of welfare in this country?

If you guessed old people you are correct.... those 55+, lazy, wrinkly balls, saggy tits, arthritis having parasites. Sitting around doing nothing for nobody. We should move them all to an island and forget about them.

(Only kidding grandma...but seriously watch your back)

Monday, November 17, 2008


So it begins today... 15 weeks of captivity. I would like to thank everyone who helped with the send off this weekend I do appreciate it and March 1st I will get you back. I would also like to thank everybody in advance for stopping over this winter with bottles of wine and vodka ...or just showing up and leaving cash in my mailbox:)

OK... So I am not going to be locked up exactly ,but it will amount to the same thing.

Last week, just in time for the holidays I was forced into a wonderfully painful situation with a few of my creditors where they will be taking the majority of my next seven paychecks...(There is an assumption in there of course that I will still be getting seven more pay checks of course and that is looking ever more doubtful)

What will I be doing in captivity you wonder?

Eating Ramen
Trying to distill booze from what I can find in the trash
Watching TV
Working out
Finishing my Capstone

Ok maybe my life really won't be that much different then it is now?

On the flip side my financial picture will be a lot better this spring and hopefully the working out I have been doing will stick and by the time I get out of captivity I will be back in fighting shape.

So if you don't see me in person for a little bit, don't worry I am still around just parked in the debtors prison of my house...

Weekend ReCap


Drove to Madison

I was welcomed back to State Street with what seemed like a never-ending stream of vodka.


Drank all day for the Badger Gopher game. I love you guys.

Something, something, went into the game...ended up in Verona(sp)

Pics are up on FB


Watched: Football

Read: Go It Alone: The Secret to Building a Successful Business on Your Own by Bruce Judson. It was ok there was nothing that jumped off the page as new and exciting information and he begged and borrowed his way to filling the pages, but if you are just starting to research starting your own business this might be a good reference to start with.`

Friday, November 14, 2008

Smile:) - Product Idea #25412 White Out for Teeth

I was looking at an ad yesterday and I realized what has been holding me back from being successful all of these years…..Bright White Straight Teeth!

I wonder if I could invent a tooth polish…kind of a combination between nail polish and white out that I could use to paint the coffee, wine and tar stains from my teeth?

Then I would surely be a success in more ways then one.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Shitty Weather

I was walking through the rain yesterday watching the water drops cling to my jacket and thought to myself what if there really was a shit storm? What if it hailed turds? Greasy streams of loose stools streaming down from butt shaped clouds. Shit blowing in on you sideways. What if those weren’t water droplets? What if my coat was turning brown with speckles from shit stains?

I bet the sales of umbrellas would go up.

I also wonder how our clothing would change and if we would all have showers on our porches to get the stank off or if we would just get used to it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Camel Crush Bad Product Idea #3454

How many smokers out there get half way through smoking a light or regular flavored cigarette and think to themselves, “Fuck I wish this was a menthol, if only there was something in the filter I could snap so I could add menthol goodness.”

People tend to be either menthol smokers or a non-menthol smoker. This isn’t a fence issue. If I had to guess the inventor of this product is a mooch who likes to bum cigarettes but never has any of their own and wanted to increase the likelihood of the cigarette they bum being a menthol.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Blackhole for the Darkness

I am filled with despair
A bubble ripped apart by compounding depression and escalating sadness
I am multidimensional
A walking six foot by six, freshly dug, black hole
A lead lined sarcophagus in defiance of loves radiation.
I am the messenger to marathon on the last leg
I am a happy hour that is anything but
I am a docket on a desk
A void in a picture
A vague sensation in a memory
I am a matchstick man
In a house of cards soaked in gas
Hiding from a light

Monday, November 10, 2008

Weekend ReCap


Date Night....J D Hoyts for some blackened fish, Bev's for couple glasses of wine over candlelight...Liquor Lyle's for some shots and darts.


Got my brakes fixed so I will be eating ramen for the next few

Watched the Badger and Gopher games.

Drinks @ Ike's

Dinner @ Fogo De Chao....yum


Packers Vs Vikes....@ Tailgate!

Read: Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller, I should say I finally finished this. I was not impressed. For as hyped up as this was on the banned book list, etc. I thought it was boring.

Friday, November 07, 2008

My Failed Mathematics Logic or Is It?

Did my odds of winning the jackpot get bigger after the drawing?

I was arguing with my friend last night that my odds of holding a winning ticket went up after the jack pot drawing.

Here is my logic

Before the jackpot drawing my odds of holding a winning ticket were 1 in 10 million.

The day after the drawing I figure since the winning set of numbers was picked and only 500,000 people played my odds of holding the winning ticket improved to 1 in 500,000 instead of the 1 in 10,000,000 before the drawing.

Sounds reasonable right?

22 napkins, 18 charts later I was still unconvinced that my odds did not improve after the drawing. I know that my overall chances are still the same regardless but since a winner was determined by a much narrower data set shouldn't my odds of holding the winning ticket mathematically go up?

This is reason # 2541523 I miss the chips @ 11:00 crew....Rocket, G-Off am I crazy?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Wanted Dead or Alive

Things to pass the time

Wouldn't it be awesome to put one of your friends pictures on a wanted poster linked to some grizzly crime and then plaster them all over places they normally go to like their office, gas station, bar, grocery store etc and just sit back and see what happens? Go door to door in their neighborhood and leaving

I would also like to wear a tan dickies suit and dog walk a pack of German Sheppard's in a neighborhood that is close to a prison and just start yelling things into a walkie talkie,

"Another Resident has died?!?!"

"What do you mean he now has 6 guns and a saw?!?!"

"How many have escaped now?!?!"

#3) Or perhaps wear a radiation suit and just going up to a random persons house with a noise maker beeping and start yelling," melt down this places is off the charts," and then wrap their entire house in saran wrap with a quarantine sign on the front law. (I figure it is about time TP'ing got a face lift.)

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Female Sports Announcers

I know what a pig right? But I can't help it. Every time I see a woman with a mic in her hands I just keep waiting for her to swallow it. Stop talking into it and put it in your mouth....

Ever notice all of the male announcers have either head sets or lapel mics?

Check it out next week....

But the women? No their hands are wrapped around the microphone shaft inches from their mouths... I blame the dirty fuckers at ESPN for the fact that I always have to go back and look up what was being said online because I am too distracted by this phenomenon.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

CSI Ancient Rome

Sometimes I wonder if there were drive by spearings in ancient Rome. A local gang pulling up in their chariot at night with the lanterns snuffed out spearing someone on the street corner and then galloping off at a brisk five miles an hour.

I wonder what the police thought when they got on the scene?

"Damn it Jim, its a spear again."

They all had the same spears and since finger printing was centuries off and all the chariot tire tracks were the same I can just picture this cop who was either

A.) Really crazy thinking all of the murders were being committed by this single serial spear killer


B.) The luckiest guy ever with the easiest job ever, since you could just lock anybody up since everybody fit the suspect description. (APB on a guy wearing sandals and toga may have a spear)

I wonder if the Vikings had the same problem? Looking for a guy in hat with horns and a bushy beard carrying an Axe. Fuck not again..


Don't even get me started on Cavemen and their fucking rocks...

Monday, November 03, 2008

Weekend ReCap


Drove to Appleton WI for a little trick or treating.

Brian in Minneapolis Dressed as the Badgers Coach Bret Bielema. (I am not sure why I thought this was a good idea since he is probably one of the most hated people in Wisconsin right now, but I am told I resemble him, It got me out of wearing a mask, I got to hold a clip board and yell and people and since he has a rep for hitting on young college girls I figured why not.)

Plus it was awesome and the crowds loved it. I had a blast:) Thanks everybody. I threw some of the pics up on FB:) I love you guys and that was some good solid bar hopping down College ave.


Sat in an Appleton bar all day watched the Badger and Gopher games.

Took a nap....

Bar hopped again...saw an awesome dance party that still had me grinning days


Woke up drove home....took a detour as we ran out of gas...that was a new Thanks for the experience:)

Read The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien (Local Minnesota man who writes absolutly beatifully about his horrific experience in Vietnam) Great book.

Watched August Rush - It was ok although it definitly converted on 3 and chessy.