Saturday, March 31, 2007


Call me a snob but I know the value of a good hair-cut. I don't mind paying $50+ dollars for a hair cut. It is an accessory that you take with you every where and worth it not to look like an eraecer head....which is what I look like now. Lucky for me it will grow back and I will never do it


Friday, March 30, 2007

Underwear Purse

I can't help when I see people carrying this Versace purse that it looks like underwear? It looks they are on a permanent walk of shame that they are super proud of walking. There is also something about watching a woman reach into it and pull out lipstick and put it on her face it is a little disturbing (I had a flash of the Christmas poo from South Park)...It is also a touch of genius and a little hot.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Eat a Fat One

Americans by and large lack the obesity needed to compete in the twenty first century. Our nation’s girth is well below its ability to sustain us through our self created economic crisis’s. We lack the double chins and spare tires to survive the downturn in the housing market. The thunder thighs and flabby arms needed to sustain us through the evaporation of social security and rising life spans. The utter roundness necessary to perch us firmly on the top seat as the most arrogant people on the planet.

We have firmly stepped foot into a new financial crisis. With the introduction of payment option arms into mortgage products millions of Americans took out loans that were greater then their ability to repay them. Enticed by temporary low payments these borrowers with less then perfect credit scores borrowed over $200 billion dollars. After the market rates began to rise and their teaser rates expired most of these borrowers saw payments jump beyond the ability they had to make them. With only 1/3 of the population overweight in this country, I worry that we are on the brink of an epidemic of starvation. This leaves 2/3s of our population struggling to make ends meat every month who do not have enough meat on their bones to wait this financial crisis out. A person sitting and doing nothing will burn 68 calories and hour. A person who is as little as 100lbs overweight can survive these market down turns easier because they have an extra 5147 hours where they can go without eating. This is equivalent to 214 days. They have to out survive their skinny counter parts in these market down turns.

If we are going to have our economy survive into the next century will have to increase the current amount of people who die from obesity every year experientially. The current number of 400, 000 who die from obesity is simply not enough people to make up for the gap of people leaving the workforce and the people joining the workforce. In as early as 2017 social security will be paying out more money then it takes in. Over the next 75 years, social security will face a $27 trillion dollar short fall unless we take drastic action by reducing the number of people who live to receive this benefit or the length of duration that they will be receiving it. One of the fastest proven methods is with a high fat fast food diet. The diet not only clogs arteries and causes heart attacks and heart disease but it is surprisingly tasty and many Americans will partake in its consumption willingly.
We are also loosing our ability to be seen as arrogant which could have profound impacts on foreign policy and programs. How are we to maintain our aura of superiority if we look like we are staving along side of the rest of the world. Our enemies foreign and domestic will see this as a sign of weakness and it may provoke future terrorist attacks. Nothing says everything is ok better then a potbelly. It is a national symbol of how comfortable we are. How much confidence we have in our ability and weak we think others point of view is. I mean do we rally think anyone is scared of Condoleezza Rice? Eating carrot sticks at a U.N meeting. We might as well post a sign at our nations borders that says begin invasion here.

If you take our country seriously and want to remain a nation of great importance and stature. If you care about the financial security and stability of future generations of our youth. If you care about our image to the world abroad and its projection of strength then do what a 1/3 of your fellow patriots are doing. Have a big Mac for lunch. America is counting on you.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Random Assortment

1.) Today I pulled along side of a bus that had an advertisement that said, "The same poison that kills rats is in second hand smoke......are you ok with that?" This billboard made me so irate I called the company to complain. They are using scare tactics and ignorance to advance a political agenda; state wide smoking ban. The thing that people fail to grasp is like any Chemistry element it is the dose that is fatal not the compound. The amount that is person is exposed to in second hand smoke is so small it is ridiculous. Any element is deadly given the right dose....even water which is vital to life will kill your ass at a given dose.

Why can't we just be truthful and let people make informed decisions on their own?

2.) Zugzwang - is a chess term for a position that you hold where any move you make is disadvantageous. (This has been a good word to describe my financial and work situation as of late.)(Also a good scrable word)

3.)Touche - I have heard this said my whole life and have always hated it. It sounds so "prickish." I had to look it up. It is a french term that comes from the root toucher meaning to wound in fencing. It's dictionary definition is "Used to acknowledge a hit in fencing or a successful criticism or an effective point in argument." Makes a little more sense after looking it up but I still don't like it. I mean why can't we just say good point?

Monday, March 26, 2007


Anyone else having a Ferris Buellerish dream for today? Honestly, I am squirming in my chair to get outside and run around.

My perfect day of hookie...If I am alone..If I am not alone it is easy make out and cuddle all day:)
Sleep in till 9:30.
Make and eat a real breakfast.
Go down to the lake and walk or skate around it with my headphones blasting.
Take a long shower
Go to Jimmy Johns for lunch
Sit on my swing and eat Jimmy Johns and read a book (Smoke some cigs)
Go to happy hour at Tailgate @ 3:00 have some chicken wings and Vodka 7's and sit on the back patio.

Ok not as exciting as a parade or cubs game but hey I am a simple kind of

What is your perfect day of hookie?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Color Commentary

Driving down the road you will notice that signs have specific colors. A long time ago someone decided that yellow means caution or slow down. Blue means information or rest stop or maybe even that the road is cleaned by the Reformed Pedophile club of North America. White signs post rules and fines $800 for littering, loud stereos will be punished or in the road solid white stripes mean don't pass stay in your lane. Red means stop, warning and danger. If you look at combinations like red and white you get more rules, do not enter, yield, no parking etc...

I started to think about this yesterday when I set out to get light bulbs. I pulled up to Menards and saw they have several red flags above their store....screaming at me to stop, danger, unsafe water for swimming so I kept the car in drive and went down the road to home depot where their orange logo seems to say Men at Work...much better given my mission.

I pulled out of the parking lot and noticed the big American flag and tried to divulge its secrets using my new color cohesion theory. Now the blue box with the stars could mean that we are a big rest stop with fifty different places that have different rules and taxes. While the solid red and white bars could mean that we have layers or rules stacked on top of each other and we will pull anyone over who tries to pass us...

There seems to be glaring examples of this misbranding of colors everywhere...either that or I just stumbled on to a secret code and a whole new conspiracy theory...

The blue and red SuperAmerica logoo = Danger Restroom

Marlbro could have walked away from its lawsuits if it only would have asserted that its packaging already warned consumers with its red and white box.

Savers with its yellow flag with big bold red letters that says sale...enough said

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The chicken in the egg

I have been struggling constantly for the last two years with this hopeless feeling that I can't get around this inertia force that is in front of me. This feeling of hopelessness has lead to a compounding sense of apathy. I just feel stuck in this station of despair that is my life. Like a man wearing clothes sized for a child. (granted my life isn't all bad, there are parts of it that are actually better then they have ever been)

I watched a little bit of the discovery channel last night. The showed a chicken inside of an egg inside of an incubator. The chicken was x-rayed daily to show the growth of the embryo inside the egg. I loved it. Although on the surface the egg never really changed there was all this growth inside.

I feel like I have been in an egg for the last three years. While on the surface nothing has changed I have been quietly incubating getting ready to hatch on the other side of this inertia sometime in April of next year.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

My Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds

I have open ridiculed people for years about having even a smidgen of hope that some great hand in the sky will come down and deliver them from all of their problems, on some grand day of reckoning. I have harassed them endlessly to change there way of life, to learn and do for themselves, to partake in lives richness while they still have time instead of waiting for a courts settlement in an afterlife that has only an factorially minimal chance of existing.

Yet, I walked out of a gas station last night and realize that I am doing the exact same thing in my life.

I looked at my purchase and suddenly felt very shameful and small. I held in my hand a powerball ticket. My weekly ritual purchase for over 2 years now. It is the invisible hand I think is going to come down and rescue me from all of my problems. Some unseen force that I some how feel entitled to. This belief in this rescue shelters me from having to take responsibility for the horrific state of my affairs as of late. It will be ok when I win the powerball I lie to myself. Week after week a superficial hold out of chance that I will be saved by this random assortment of numbers. I have used it as a crutch to avoid the hard work that is required to climb out of this hole and in doing so have become exactly that which I loath…

Just a thought. I still know that it is at least possible in this comparison to win the powerball unlike the realization that god exists but the odds are about the same…and I am still feeling like a defective schmuck..

Friday, March 16, 2007

Looks like I am going to have to try again....

If 75 percent of the world polar ice caps are all ready in the water (ice shelves, glaciers etc.) Why would the water level go up if they melt? I was watching the ice in my cup melt and thought wait melting ice doesn't raise the water level wtf and suddenly realized my blanket plan to hold the world hostage is not going to work....

Oh well back to the drawing board

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Call it what it is .... Literature

Georgia Moves Closer to Classes Based on Bible

As an Atheist you might think that I would be apposed to teaching the bible in a public school but the more I thought about this the more I like the concept because it is finally calling the bible what it interesting influential piece of literature.

The bible is a piece of popular literature that happened to start a cult of followers. If we need a modern day example we can look no further then the phenomenon surrounding Star Trek and its die hard Trekkie's. Church is a trekkie convention for people who follow the bible. Yes I also believe they are both as silly.

Also, one would hope that studying the bible in a scholarly manner would also open it up for debate and cause people who study it seriously to see how riddled it is with inconsistency. How it has been openly edited for centuries..far from the divine hand of god. Hopefully they can also study the context of how it arises and the influence of the church on its creation.

Any serious study of the bible only helps the Atheist cause. Although, I am afraid that in Georgia there will be anything but serious study.

Monday, March 12, 2007


If you have not seen this movie you have to check it out. I loved what this movie had to say about both evolution and the direction of popular culture..on top of that it was hilarious

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Invasive Species

"Found this one in one of my old journals while doing some homework and loved it"

Invasive Species

Riddle my body
Depression and doubt
Have their way
amongst my resources
no immunity
From their spreading onslaught
sand is all that remains
from a jubilant environment
they need to be eaten
purged from the landscape
I insert their predecessors
I am responsible
for their release
predators climb in
through my nose
down my ever increasingly
dehydrated throat
my own war
Eating doubt
destroying depression.
At least for a while
It is the one thing d.a.r.e missed
they work
No feeling.
comes in easy to dissolve capsules
To bad predators and pray
Hit it off so well
Long last friends
Sleeping with the enemies
While I am still depleting
Still awake

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Help Wanted: High Risk - High Reward

Help Wanted: Seeking adventure seekers, risk takers and dare devils for dangerous mission. If you are sick of watching other people win the lottery while your place of employment is laying off, freezing bonuses and raises and you are ready to get more proactive about your financial situation then this might be for you. I do not expect all to survive but those who do will be among the richest in the world. Must be willing to travel. Bottling experience and flexible ethical standards a plus.

The Mission: Hold the world Hostage for $500 Billion Dollars

The Plan: We will create the worlds largest electrical blanket and cover the entire Continent of Antarctica. We will then run an extension cord to the southern tip of Chile and threaten to plug it in unless we receive $500 Billion dollars. If they doubt our resolve we will plug it in and flood the world taking care to bottle 250 Billion litters of our newly freed Glacier water that we will then sell to people displaced by this tragedy for $2.69 a bottle after cost to manufacture this will amount to about $500 Billion....either way we can't lose!

I figure with a white blanket we can avoid detection longer..



Serious Inquiries Only

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Little Q & A

Borrowed a few of these questions from Mags

1. Would you accept twenty years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant you had to die at the end of that period?

2. Which of these restrictions could you best tolerate: leaving the country permanently or never leaving the state in which you now live?

3. You're drunk (and therefore have no inhibitions) and find yourself at the front of a karaoke club about to sing your heart out. What song are you going to sing us?

4. Would you rather watch a porno with your parents or watch a porno starring your parents?

5. Would you rather eat a bowl of scabs pealed from the face of a meth addict in a bowl of sour milk or a fresh raw placenta?

1.) I would take the happiness and run I have had enough of the opposite and have lived long enough to realize what a gift that twenty years would be.

2.) I would leave the country assuming people could visit me and I could bring my love...assuming she would go...If not I would stay...

3.) Buckcherry "Crazy Bitch" cause thats how I roll

4.) Watch it with them. I think the reverse would be too

5.) I was really torn on this because I bet you would get a good buzz from the scabs but throw in the sour milk and I have to go with the placenta

Monday, March 05, 2007


The following items are not sexiest or discriminatory..they are sound business reasons and DO NOT belong in our court system.

1.) Dry Cleaners should be able to charge more for cleaning woman's clothes....women have (on average) more styles, fabric types, embellishments, etc requiring more attention and machines then men's shirts. Cleaning a woman's shirt that takes more time and effort and a business should be able to charge accordingly.

2.) Salons should be able to charge more for a woman's haircut then a mans haircut...almost the same reason as above.

3.) Ladies night is not sexist towards men men want to drink where there are ladies and if a proprietor wants to offer an incentive then so be it.

4.) Are we really going to sue movie theaters and reasterants for offering kids priced tickets and meals? or senior discounts? Give me a fucking break

This isn't what we should be clogging our courts with. This isn't what our laws of equality were set up to enforce...all these lawsuits do is pay lawyers lots of money and make shit more expensive for the rest of us

Friday, March 02, 2007

Brian's Tator-Tot Hotdish

How Minnesotan is this? To this day one of my favorite things to make and eat is tator tot hotdish....there are lots of variations on this but here is mine:) Enjoy

1 Bag of tots or hashbrowns or fries
1 Lb Ground Beef, cooked and well drained
2 Cans cream of Mushroom, (Don't add water to the soup just the soup)
2 Cans French Cut Green Beans
1 Can Whole Kernal Sweet Corn
1/2 Tablespoon Each Garlic Powder, Pepper, Lawerys Seasoning Salt
(You can also use two cups of ex-sharp cheddar cheese but since cheese gives me the runs I omit it from my reciepe unless I am making it for company)

Mix beef, soup, vegetables and spices in a bowl along with half of the bag of tator tots. Pour mixture into a baking dish. Cover the top of the mixture with the remaining tator tots throw it in a preheated oven @ 350f for thirty minutes or until the tots on the top are nice and brown.

Then enjoy