The Map vs. The Search

The previous owners of this house left me a map that shows in my back yard is a large box piled full of golden bricks. In this box is supposed wealth of worlds. I have security and peace in my great blessing of the box. There are those among us who would frame that map and place it above our mantles and blaspheme those who would question its esoteric clues that lead to the security and balance of our dear world. I am not one of those people. I am a skeptic by nature and the map only has value in so much as it leads to the box. In order to decipher the clues to find the box I have to question the creation of the map. Who are the authors? Why would they bury this? I have to question and search because my faith in the map does not equal the gold actually being real. I search not to defend or disprove the map but to find the truth of the box. I believe in the search for the truth because if I am not actively seeking the truth I maybe passively be accepting a lie. I tell you honestly that the search has value that turning over the stones is so rewarding that it drowns out the cries of your neighbors yelling, "what the hell are you doing out there."

Anyone else have a shovel, some gloves and a desire to get dirty with me?

Lord of the Rings

Aren't wedding rings fun? A self imposed dowry to show your love. Anything less that a carat means you don't care about the other person. Do wedding rings matter? They are only as good as the person wearing them. So can't we just have trust and do away with the modern version of branding our breeding rights on each other with platinum bands of precious stones. Commitment and love is shown through actions. Though promises kept not ones just made. I have my doubts whether I will ever wear one again, that is not to say that I would never be in a commitment relationship mind you, just that I have begun to reject the cookie cutter dogmatic pattern for my life. Not sure I fully know what that means yet but I am working on it.

Glowing

Another short then I will cool it with the dark material for a while...lol

Hemmingway described a bull fight gone wrong once with the phase the the sun glistened off of the newly exposed white gleaming bone of the matador. This was kind of like that minus the bull. Dan pulled the covers back when I entered. His pale complexion glowed in the dark even without my eyes adjusting. The smell of urine punched me in the face. I guess love does weird things to people. I guess being in love is sometimes a lot like lying in your own filth. You get used to the stink so you don't notice it.

Toothless Joe

****Short Story****
Isn't it funny what we consider short in our world of ADD...lol

I watch the bat raise and then descend on my face. I feel my teeth loose in my mouth. The blood is thick. I gargle with it and then choke on it. Gasping I swallow teeth and a fair share of b negative. I feel the back of my head sunk into the asphalt. Another stoke and I hear my ribs splinter and crack like a log that had sat in the cold and suddenly found its way into a fire pit. This isn't so warm, this isn't so friendly, this isn't really how I lost my teeth...I can thank my love of Pepsi for that. Too bad Pepsi isn't as an exciting of story, maybe then more people would drink soda with a straw. This was just a story and one with a moral to boot.

Dating for Dummies

Attention
If I could take just a moment to further demasculante myself by comparing the three phases of dating to shoe shopping I would appreciate it thank you.

Trip to Cole hann and bizzaro world left my head full of an analogy to help in guiding in the bizarre ritual we call dating.

Phase I - Selecting a pair
Dating is like browsing for a pair of shoes. Scanning the shelves looking for something that catches your eye, something in your size. You put them on an walk around, how do they feel? How do they make you feel? Are they your style? Are they comfortable? Do they suit your use (Hiking, dress, sneakers, sandal's)? What material are they made of? (The scary part of this analogy is that the shoes have to like you too! They have to like being on your stinky feet, your socks, how you care for them, where you take them. Are you a scuffer? Do you walk in poop? The shoes have a choice to make too.

If you want my advise spend a lot of time in the store in this phase walking around with those shoes on, because as we have all learned it takes a little bit for blisters to appear and it really sucks when shoes cost you a lot of money and all they do is make your feet hurt.


Phase II - deciding to buy aka the transition
This phase is the talk with the shoes. This is the phase that in my opinion most people muck up because they don't talk or spend enough time in phase one. This is where you enter the discussion with the shoes to see if they are going to be your only pair of shoes. This is where the amount of time you spend in phases one matters. This is where you need to break it off before it breaks you. We all go into the shoe store with a set of assumptions, just like we go out into the world.
I like brown dress shoes
I want a big house
I will only wear Nike etc.
Now this is where you have to lay it on the table your assumptions about what the future looks like, what do you dream, what do you want? What do you not want? If you pay attention to the items in number one you have a good idea about what you need to discus before you buy. You also have learned if you you spent a lot of time in number one if the other person has redeeming qualities that might override the assumptions that you have about the world.
You might find out you like black dress shoes instead, or that Adidas are just as good as Nikes. If you skip this talk and move to phase three too soon you are destined to break hearts and resent the other person. Honesty is key here.....can you honestly afford these shoes? Are they the right pair for you? What do the shoes think?

Phase III - Taking them home
You move into a relationship with your shoes. You are responsible for cleaning out your closet of other shoes, polishing them to make them look new again everyday. You are monogamous with your shoes.

I love shoes what can I say...lol

If I have really learned anything in my life that I would offer as advise when it come to relationships it would be two things.....
1.) Talk early and often. As soon as you stop talking you are doomed. As soon as you hold it in your relationship is done, always be honest with yourself and your partner otherwise you really can go on indefinitely being miserable and life is too short for that....be honest even when it hurts I should say especially when it hurts because that is usually when it is needed the most.
2.) Find or do something special for the other person everyday. As soon as you stop looking or doing something special you are done. Doesn't have to be alot could be a note or a text of a :) could be a kiss or a massage for no reason, commenting on a mannerism that makes them unique, could be as simple as shutting off the TV when the other person is talking, doesn't have to be a lot just enough to show them that your care everyday......and if your shoes fit they will do the same for you:)

In Jerry Springer fashion....take care of yourselves and each other

To Bizzario world with love,
Brian Johnson

What am I doing?

What am I doing?
I have no clue
No inkling
No Idea
But it feels right
I love the unknown
Watching it unfold
Play out without replay
When you realize you don't know
Life is like a present
Everyday is a surprise
A gem you dig out
Sometimes you only find
petrified poop
Sometimes you find gold
I have been panning well lately
Pan-a- ramic views
Expand my horizon
Shape me into a gentle monster
An ignorant gentle monster
I don't know shit
And I love it

Differentiation is another form of Conformity

Musing on Identity and a reoccurring theme of being afraid to fail big. I struggle with why these themes reappear over and over in my journal because compared to most people I have a much higher risk tolerance and greater awareness of self.

Tramp stamp, Tongue ring, Tattoos, Pants that don't fit, too much make-up, look at my hair color, pull over sweater, Abercrombie and j-crew made this; me. I am sloppy, I am a gangster, I am trendy, I am preppy, I am Gothic, I don't care if you judge me, but please don't, I am a rebel, I am different just like everybody else.

I mask what the world sees to superficially distinguish myself. I surrender the larger fight of distinguishing myself from the world with the only thing I really can...my thought. I fail to compete because I am scared, I surrender to exceeding lower expectations. I have chosen to retard myself because I have been afraid to fail.

I can pick my own label for the world to use on me, Why then do I pick a label that makes it so hard to participate in the discussion of real change, gain real prosperity. Is it so when I try and fail I will have an excuse not to feel bad?

don't hate the player hate the game. Why then shall I be called a sell out for corporate attire? This is how I get a seat at the table. This is how I move my piece on the big board. This is how I make dreams come true. This is how I make change, or is this how they change me?

Brian Trivia - Somethings you might not know about me

wow I never knew this stuff stole this from Dawn but I lost the link to the survey.

1.)If you blow out all the candles on Brian with one breath, your wish will come true!
2.)Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Brian supply.
3.)Brian can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.
4.)Brian is born white; his pink feathers are caused by pigments in his typical diet of shrimp!
5.)The pharoahs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten Brian !
6.)During World War II, Americans tried to train Brian to drop bombs.
7.)Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into Brian !
8.)Pacman was originally called Brian man.
9.)Astronauts get taller when they are in Brian !
10.)The international dialling code for Brian is 672.

Ready to Roll...?

Orginally posted as a comment on Faces myspace blog.

Ready to Roll.......?

Grab 6 dice.

Step one: Roll One Dice until you get a 5
Step two: Roll two dice until you get two numbers in a row (I,e 1 and a 2 or 2 and a 3 and so on)
Step three: Roll three dice until you get three numbers in a row (I.e 1-2-3 or 4-5-6 etc.)

If you want extra credit roll all three dice until you see 1-1-1

If you roll the dice enough times every number combination will appear, even if you have a 1000 dice with 1000 faces eventually you will roll those 1000 dice and they will appear in the order 1-2-3-4-5 and so on.

These first three dice represent your life. You control how many times you roll them, you control the ability to pick them up or put them down just like you control how you act in this life, you control how you respond, you control your decisions.

The next three dice represent circumstance roll them once and see what you get?
This is how circumstance is, one roll....you might get all ones 1-1-1 we will call this a bad hand. You were born into poverty, you have parents who suck, you only have one parent etc. Life rolls you a few of these.

Life is a combination of circumstance and action. What most people forget or get stuck on is circumstance....life and everything in it is some event that happens to them, their dad beat them, they are poor, they are drunk etc. A good rap song that speaks to this mentality is Atmospheres - Scapegoat

Their dice reads like this
Circumstance Choice
(1-1-1 0-0-0) Zeros represent that the person is not making choice, they are not rolling, they are letting life happen to them.
Or say they roll their dice one and get a bad roll
Circumstance Choice
(1-1-1 1-1-1)
They stop rolling because it didn't work there life is frozen in this path because they are refusing or unaware that they can roll again. Our growth is retarded, we become a victim of our circumstance. You only way out of a bad hand is too keep rolling.

Edison's Quote "I haven't failed I have only found a 10,000 ways that don't work" Illustrates his ability to keep rolling until it works.

You with me still?

Circumstance is only three dice but we can mint own our dice through our actions through or experience through our tolerance for risk. So why circumstance in life is fixed, how you make it is up to you. You can roll the dice any amount of time you want until you see a combination that is good for you. You can make new dice. You can live your life...all you have to do is roll them.

Another aside is that this same principal is why I choice lean towards the idea that god does not exsit. It takes a finite number of things to make life as we know it, Oxygen, Gravity, etc...All of the stars in the universe represent dice rolls combinations of those elements put together in different orders and eventually just like we saw the numbers appear 4-5-6 after a few roll we see life appear in the same order by matter of chance...

The space between

Two conversations I have had recently have sent me to the mountain for a little thought.

Two simple questions with not so simple answers and I think one might give meaning to the other.
1.) So what do you believe in?
2.) What are you searching for?

I am searching for the space in between.
The space between a hand shake
The space between the said and unsaid
The space between containment and release

I am looking for the force. (Very star wars I know)
The force is the name in physics between the potential energy of and object and the kinetic energy of it after the force is applied and the energy released.
It is the variable of what sets a log on fire changing it from wood to heat.
It is the space between potential and action
It is the space between what is and what could be
In this space between there is thought, ambition, dreams, instinct, insecurity, chance, logic, illogic, fear, control, emotion, decision, understanding, reflection, meaning, motivation, there is force.
It is the moment before I use my strength to punch you and me breaking your nose.

I am seeking to learn about the space in between what I am capable of doing and what I do. I am seeking to understand the underlying form of Brian...the Why and how in hopes of shaping the what.

This has led me into the bowels of Evolutionary Biology, Genetics, and psychology. It is what I scour these texts, it is the reason I show up for class early. It is what I reflect on when I go to the mountain. It is the reason I am sometimes afraid of myself.

I believe that I can control the force, that I can understand the space between. That I can harness my actions and take control of my life to live out my dreams. I believe it because I do it everyday.

For my math purists I understand that this analogy is not perfect and that resting matter is still kinetic because atoms are in constant motion. I draw the above from the over arching definition of energy where energy in physics, (Definition from Dictionary.com) the ability or capacity to do work or to produce change. Forms of energy include heat, light, sound, electricity, and chemical energy. Energy and work are measured in the same units—foot-pounds, joules, ergs, or some other, depending on the system of measurement being used. When a force acts on a body, the work performed (and the energy expended) is the product of the force and the distance over which it is exerted