Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Dating for Dummies

If I could take just a moment to further demasculante myself by comparing the three phases of dating to shoe shopping I would appreciate it thank you.

Trip to Cole hann and bizzaro world left my head full of an analogy to help in guiding in the bizarre ritual we call dating.

Phase I - Selecting a pair
Dating is like browsing for a pair of shoes. Scanning the shelves looking for something that catches your eye, something in your size. You put them on an walk around, how do they feel? How do they make you feel? Are they your style? Are they comfortable? Do they suit your use (Hiking, dress, sneakers, sandal's)? What material are they made of? (The scary part of this analogy is that the shoes have to like you too! They have to like being on your stinky feet, your socks, how you care for them, where you take them. Are you a scuffer? Do you walk in poop? The shoes have a choice to make too.

If you want my advise spend a lot of time in the store in this phase walking around with those shoes on, because as we have all learned it takes a little bit for blisters to appear and it really sucks when shoes cost you a lot of money and all they do is make your feet hurt.

Phase II - deciding to buy aka the transition
This phase is the talk with the shoes. This is the phase that in my opinion most people muck up because they don't talk or spend enough time in phase one. This is where you enter the discussion with the shoes to see if they are going to be your only pair of shoes. This is where the amount of time you spend in phases one matters. This is where you need to break it off before it breaks you. We all go into the shoe store with a set of assumptions, just like we go out into the world.
I like brown dress shoes
I want a big house
I will only wear Nike etc.
Now this is where you have to lay it on the table your assumptions about what the future looks like, what do you dream, what do you want? What do you not want? If you pay attention to the items in number one you have a good idea about what you need to discus before you buy. You also have learned if you you spent a lot of time in number one if the other person has redeeming qualities that might override the assumptions that you have about the world.
You might find out you like black dress shoes instead, or that Adidas are just as good as Nikes. If you skip this talk and move to phase three too soon you are destined to break hearts and resent the other person. Honesty is key here.....can you honestly afford these shoes? Are they the right pair for you? What do the shoes think?

Phase III - Taking them home
You move into a relationship with your shoes. You are responsible for cleaning out your closet of other shoes, polishing them to make them look new again everyday. You are monogamous with your shoes.

I love shoes what can I

If I have really learned anything in my life that I would offer as advise when it come to relationships it would be two things.....
1.) Talk early and often. As soon as you stop talking you are doomed. As soon as you hold it in your relationship is done, always be honest with yourself and your partner otherwise you really can go on indefinitely being miserable and life is too short for honest even when it hurts I should say especially when it hurts because that is usually when it is needed the most.
2.) Find or do something special for the other person everyday. As soon as you stop looking or doing something special you are done. Doesn't have to be alot could be a note or a text of a :) could be a kiss or a massage for no reason, commenting on a mannerism that makes them unique, could be as simple as shutting off the TV when the other person is talking, doesn't have to be a lot just enough to show them that your care everyday......and if your shoes fit they will do the same for you:)

In Jerry Springer fashion....take care of yourselves and each other

To Bizzario world with love,
Brian Johnson


Rocketstar said...

I would say that advice is spot on.

Although we are attracted to the pretty shoe, the pretty shoe will eventually lose it's luster and then if the shoe isn't a nice, intereesting and comfortable one, you are left with an unwanted shoe.

Brian in Mpls said...

I agree now in my life I am all about the fit

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Brian in Mpls said...

Getting spammed all of a sudden:(

theresa said...

spam, spam, spam, lovely spam!

Anonymous said... you have a pair of shoes? I think you personally would look great with a pair of red shoes, accompanied by 2 light colored small handbags.

Brian in Mpls said...

lol...yeah I like red shoes:) They are fitting nice...might want more than just 2 handbags

Dem Soldier said...

I have dated all of the dummies for sure....agree with Rocket spot on.....

Say Rah! said...


Will you go shoe shopping with me?


ShawnAndSarah said...

I have never purchased a red pair of shoes or any light colored handbags....are they nice? ;o)

lauren said...

I have two pairs of red shoes. Well, different shades of red, anyway. They're fun to take out on the town!

So in that same vein, let me take your phase 1 in a different direction. Are they your style? Do they suit your use? (Look mom! Italics!) Like shoes, we date different people for different purposes. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with compatibility or whether they fit us. We date people who make us look like better people - whether it is because they are attractive, smart, rich.

I know it sounds shallow, but don't you think it's true? Chances are, we've all dated someone not because of how much we like them, but what they say about us. Or what we think they say about us to other people.

For example: I dated a guy once who was NOT the right fit for me. And (seriously, I really do know how shallow this sounds) even though we were incompatible and I should have just ended it immediately, I didn't because I liked the look of him. He was hot! I liked the way other girls would eye him up and down in a bar. I liked feeling like, "Hey, this hot guy is with me! Woo hoo!" I liked it when he took of his shirt and his muscles were all tight and bunchy and sweaty and.... wait, where was I?

Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much the pair of shoes might hurt. We like the fashionable or the uncomfortable shoes because we like thinking that we're the object of someone else's envy.

God, did I really just say that?!

dawnmarie said...


dawnmarie said...

for the record I'm very happy with my metaphorical shoes right now.

Brian in Mpls said...

Shawn&Sarah...Welcome I am very much liking the red shoes;)

Say Rah!...hell yeah I will go show shopping with you;)

I know what you mean, for the better part of my life I have lived on the surface of things. I have been shallow and sought all that would shine on the outside regardless of how it really made me feel on the inside. I did everything I was supposed to do for appearance... married a beautiful model, house filled with named brands, life filled with everything I though that I wanted when I started it but at the end of the day I was utterly alone and sad. I agree to your point that we seek symbols of status from an evolutionary standpoint to show that we are worth mating with that we are able to support offspring and so be it. I think I am just at a point in my life where I have had enough of the experience of chasing something that does not fulfill the real need that I have. Seriously not to sound crass but when I am on a date these days my criteria is "is this someone I would wipe there ass and feed everyday for the rest of there life if they became disabled?"
Maybe I am just off the deep

Anyone out there want to wipe my ass for the rest of my life if I became unable to do it?

lauren said...

But how do you know from a first date if you want to wipe the person's ass, really? I can generally tell when I'm compatible and whether I'd like to see that person again from the first date, but not whether I'd like to be with them forever.

And sometimes, when your criteria for happiness is too high, you'll miss out on all the spectacular people that you might not have considered before.

Brian in Mpls said...

oh..this isn't all on the first date, I take my time in phase I;)
I take so much time exactly because that is what I am afraid of that I will miss the red shoes looking for the brown

Rocketstar said...

Sorry man, I love you and all, but I will not wipe your ass.

You'll just have to live with a really smelly ass.

Megsta said...

Oh man this is funny - nice progression from shoe shoppin to ass wipe'n.... I'd like to bring up one point here, about shoe shoppin that is, not ass wipe'n (chuckle)
It's nice to window shop and try things on for size and yes splurge on a pair or two that's way out of your budget every now and then (the dollar bin flip flops at Target are nice to stock up on in the summertime too)
The funny thing is - whatever point I'm trying to make?? Is that there's pretty much no such thing as a pair of shoes that's gonna last ya a lifetime, no matter how much time you spend in phases 1-3 or whatever, it's you're own two feet that are gonna walk you through life till the end of it and I guess whatever you throw on those lil piggies in the meantime are only there to make the walk a little more comfortable and enjoyable- huh?
Anyways - I hope you find a nice sweet girl to wipe your ass and all (and maybe lick your toes every now and then - hehe) but enjoy the browsing and have fun trying things on for size before you start worrying too much about what pair you're gonna keep 4eva...

Brian in Mpls said...

Well said Megsta:)