Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Moments in History

I wonder how different history would be....If

Emperor Nero had access to good private therapy or brain stabilizing chemical drugs?

What if Genghis Khan took ecstasy?

What if there was no gold in the new world?

What if Napoleon was 6 feet tall?

The order of history seems to be dictated by those who are crazy, bold and innovative. For this reason alone I get nervous when everyone I meet seems so normal and conforming.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

4:18 AM

I woke up last night and looked out the window
In my neighbors backyard there were a pack of dogs wrestling against the fence that seperates our house.
I remeber thinking it was weird I wasn't afraid
I wondered why it was light light out?
Did I sleep in to late?
Then I remembered I was dreaming
I looked at the bed and I saw I was still asleep
I have never seen myself like that before
I could hear myself snoring.
Everything went black and I woke up.

When I woke up I was so sure I would see myself watching me that I looked around the room and wondered where I went.

I checked the window for the dogs

But they were gone

At least for now

Monday, September 28, 2009

One More thing I Like about China

No Time Zones!!

I bet they never get yelled at by people in the West for scheduling meetings to early or wonder what coast they are going to piss off by scheduling a meeting over lunch. I also wonder if they get more work done since collaboration can take place across the whole country at the same time.

I don't feel bad for you people in California yeah you have to get up at six but you are basically off at 3:00 and you live in California!!

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Modern Game Night: Checkers

One of my most endearing qualities is that I can turn almost anything into a drinking game. Here is a drinking game for two people.... I now present to you....drunken checkers.

What you need:
1.) 2 Different color markers to mark the plastic glasses.
2.) Sack of plastic shot glass (You will need one and two if you don't have two separate sets of shot glasses although in a pinch you can use regular shot glasses and put the black and red chips in the glasses to mark who is who, although this method is not advised since it takes up the room for the booze)
3.) Some kind of shot. (Since this is a quick game sometime using beer instead of booze makes sense)

How to play
1.) Fill all of the glasses half full and line them on the board like you would checkers.
2.) If you jump someone they have to take the shot and remove the glass from the board.
3.) If you get kinged you get your shot glass filled to the top.

Otherwise it is played like normal checkers...


Thursday, September 24, 2009


It seems America is caught in the midest of Vampire fevor.....I wonder what Vampires dress up as for Halloween?

Maybe it it kind of like the Folson Street fair for them one day when you can walk down the street with your inner freak on the outside and life is ok?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


If you are going to make life long enemies make sure their life is a lot shorter then yours....

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What Do You Want on Your Tombstone?

If you think about it a tombstone is kind of like a one way personal ad for necrophilia's.

Or a product freshness indicator.

Monday, September 21, 2009


Is it funny how different directions are for assembling a bike vs. assembling a dinner recipe? They have a lot on common bunch of pieces combined to make something from the sum of the parts.

Most people just look at the picture and work from there...

I suppose the difference is in the lawsuits your dinner is probably not going to sue you is you break or injure someone.


Thursday, September 17, 2009


I think the Ikea catalog should just be a 100 pages of different sized boxes.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


When building a deck or patio you should have a slope of a 1/4 inch for every ten feet to let the water run off. Failure to build in this unbalanced offset allows water to stand and the foundation to start breaking in the middle.

Sometimes being a little unbalance saves the core from lifes water collacting in the middle and undermining the entire structure.

Cheers to being least a little bit.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Jehovah Witness An Extortonist? Part 2

What if it is money they are after. I mean tithe kind of sounds like a collection. If you are trying to intimidate to gain funds you are an extortionist.

Dictionary: ex·tor·tion (ĭk-stôr'shən)
Unlawful exaction of money or property through intimidation or undue exercise of authority. It may include threats of physical harm, criminal prosecution, or public exposure. Some forms of threat, especially those made in writing, are occasionally singled out for separate statutory treatment as blackmail. See also bribery.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Jehovah Witness A Terrorist? Part I

On a recent lunch trip to Chipotle I was accosted by a Jehovah's witness on the way to get my burrito. He handed me a trusty copy of the Watchtower and told me if I wanted to avoid damnation I would be wise to read it and repent. Since this incident tended to happen shortly after the anniversary of 9/11 I did what every American should do to these people....I called him a terrorist.

If I would have had the number I would have reported him to homeland security and asked that he be monitored.

My coworkers were a little shocked by my reaction and questioned me using the word terrorist to describe this man.


Dictionary: ter·ror·ism (tĕr'ə-rĭz'əm)
The unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a person or an organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing people, societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.


Doesn't threatening me with eternal damnation to try to coerce me into something for ideological reasons fit the definition of terrorism to letter? A person who does this is called a terrorist...

Hence I called him a terrorist who I feel is every bit as dangerous at undermining the progress and pursuit of happiness and human fulfillment as a member of Al Qaeda .

He should be treated the same as the people we are hunting in Afghanistan.

Yet for some reason one is targeted by the entire might of the US military for trying to intimidate on behalf of his beliefs and on is given a tax exempt status...go figure.

Friday, September 11, 2009

One World Wide Currency - Kind Of

If you think about it the magnetic strip on the back of your credit card is a one world currency. The digital equivalent of the Euro. You can use your hand little cash card in virtually every corner of the globe. If I can remember right a single world currency is one of the signs of the antichrist. Granted this is a little difference then the currency underlying it, but still....I wonder if there is any religious boy-cott of Visa? It is everywhere you want to be.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Titanium Threat

This thread that I am hanging onto must be made of

The only people who obey the speed limit are old people and drug smugglers.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Broke Down Palace

The extra stress of broken stuff around the house tends to really bother me. It is like this extra dull headache you just cant take anything for.....

Our neighbors house has been entirely rehabbed over the last few weeks and it just makes me wish I had the funds to do the same.

8 things that need fixing @ Home

1.) Upstairs toilet.

2.) Downstairs toilet - To be honest these are simple set up fixes I just need to get on.

3.) Main floor sink - Some time again some one took a dinger into it during a part and bent the drain pipes.

4.) Roof - with two slots of decking repair.

5.) Stucco - Living so close to the airport inevitably pieces just fall off from the vibrations.

6.) Two window frames.

7.) Back steps.

8.) Garage door.

Who knows maybe I will win the lottery and get it all fixed?

On top of that I would love to do a patio and paint the outside.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Zippity Do Da

I am not sure about the rest of the country but in Minneapolis gas stations and grocery stores have an annoying security feature where by when you say pay at the pump the machine will go through the extra step of verifying your identity by asking you to enter your zip code....

Granted this is only in effect after certain times and in certain sections of towns but really?

I think the logic they fail to see is that if someone has my physical credit card they are probably also in possession of my physical wallet or the persons purse which you guessed it has this thing called a drivers license in it with YOUR ZIP CODE ON IT!

I just don't get it, it seems like a worthless step.

People who steal identities and make their own cards with your information are also in possession of your zip who it this really protecting?

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Free Speech Violation?

The local news paper here in Minneapolis is Called the Star Tribune.....Not my favorite paper mind you but one I usually look to for local news. With the exception of the Sunday Times and Weekend WSJ all of my news paper reading is done online.

One of my favorite features of the modern online news paper is the ability to comment instantly on any article that is published. I think it promotes healthy debate and allows for multiple takes on a given issue not only by the journalist but by all of the readers. I find myself often liking the comments more then the articles.

With that said I tend to have a problem with the comment moderation that the Star Tribune does. It removes the ability to comment on certain selective subject matter that it feels panders to bigotry.

For example Minneapolis has the 1st Muslim Congressman - Keith Ellison (DFL) (I voted for him btw) But you can not comment on any article that has his name in it.

You can not comment on any article that has the word muslim in it.

I have a problem with that.

He is an elected official.

It is a major world religion.

People should be able to voice opinion whether you agree with it or not.

Free Speech doesn't have to be tasteful, tactful, if you want to moderate for swear words I can live with that but you can't protect something that by its own definition is above reproach or protect a public official from scrutiny, a protection from scrutiny that is not extended to their rivals.

And trust me Keith can take it he did not get where he is by being shy or put off by opposition.

What do you think about selective comment moderation?

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Vengeance of the Party

8 Simple Ways to Get Vengeance on Frienamies. So you are at a party where you have a strong dislike for the host here are a few inside jobs for you to have some fun with.

1.) Leave the overhead light on or glove box open in their car.

2.) Poor honey all over their car windows and throw dirt or leaves on it. This works best in fall when the honey will freeze over night be sure to steal the honey out of their fridge first since honey is expensive.

3.) Pound a nail in one tire and pull it out a little bit

4.) If you are at their house go in their bed room and set their alarm to go off at 4:15am make sure to turn the volume all the way up.

5.) Loosen a few lids on what ever spices are in front of their rack.

6.) Fill up their laundry detergent bottle with bleach, I always get excited when I see these sitting together in the laundry room.

7.) In the toilet pour a whole bottle of dish soap, along with a fair amount of tp and a whole tampon with the wrapper on, take a wiz...leave it for the next person to flush. The soap really accents the urine and the toilet overflows onto the bathroom floor.

8.) If you are the last person standing and have a fairly steady hand you can also try peeing in the ice cube makers.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

What Not To Wear - Brian in Mpls Edition

8 Common fashion missteps I tend to make....

1.) Not ironing both sides of my pants leaving them with a wrinkly deep crease in the back. (Hey I am not a morning person and tend to get a little lazy with the iron)

2.) Wearing mismatched socks. My sock drawer is a mess and sometimes in the twilight of the morning they appear to match only to realize that the adage opposites attract isn't always true in the day light.

3.) Wearing black and brown be honest I thought it was a navy blue polo.

4.) Jean\Khaki belt with dress pants.

5.) Wearing pajamas to the farmers market and store on Saturday mornings.

6.) I thought white shirts wear ok under polos, but apparently only if they are v-necks.

7.) Wearing non-athletic shorts to kick ball.

8.) Apparently tube socks are also out now.

Chalk on the Sidewalk

I was taking a long walk on Sunday and came across a few of the childhood carefree signs of summer. Chalk painting on the side walks and children laughing and playing a game that they made up.

If I was sucker I would say I longed for life to be simpler, more carefree, like the way it was when I was 10, but I know better now.

Life was never easy or carefree.

It just appeared that way because someone was sheltering me from the problems and burdens of life. It was a mirage. A well orchestrated play.

After carrying these burdens myself for so long though I do realize that even though it got all fucked up along the way and never really ended up how it should I can at least sit back and appreciate the effort and say thanks.