Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Map vs. The Search

The previous owners of this house left me a map that shows in my back yard is a large box piled full of golden bricks. In this box is supposed wealth of worlds. I have security and peace in my great blessing of the box. There are those among us who would frame that map and place it above our mantles and blaspheme those who would question its esoteric clues that lead to the security and balance of our dear world. I am not one of those people. I am a skeptic by nature and the map only has value in so much as it leads to the box. In order to decipher the clues to find the box I have to question the creation of the map. Who are the authors? Why would they bury this? I have to question and search because my faith in the map does not equal the gold actually being real. I search not to defend or disprove the map but to find the truth of the box. I believe in the search for the truth because if I am not actively seeking the truth I maybe passively be accepting a lie. I tell you honestly that the search has value that turning over the stones is so rewarding that it drowns out the cries of your neighbors yelling, "what the hell are you doing out there."

Anyone else have a shovel, some gloves and a desire to get dirty with me?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lord of the Rings

Aren't wedding rings fun? A self imposed dowry to show your love. Anything less that a carat means you don't care about the other person. Do wedding rings matter? They are only as good as the person wearing them. So can't we just have trust and do away with the modern version of branding our breeding rights on each other with platinum bands of precious stones. Commitment and love is shown through actions. Though promises kept not ones just made. I have my doubts whether I will ever wear one again, that is not to say that I would never be in a commitment relationship mind you, just that I have begun to reject the cookie cutter dogmatic pattern for my life. Not sure I fully know what that means yet but I am working on it.

Monday, March 27, 2006


Another short then I will cool it with the dark material for a

Hemmingway described a bull fight gone wrong once with the phase the the sun glistened off of the newly exposed white gleaming bone of the matador. This was kind of like that minus the bull. Dan pulled the covers back when I entered. His pale complexion glowed in the dark even without my eyes adjusting. The smell of urine punched me in the face. I guess love does weird things to people. I guess being in love is sometimes a lot like lying in your own filth. You get used to the stink so you don't notice it.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Toothless Joe

****Short Story****
Isn't it funny what we consider short in our world of

I watch the bat raise and then descend on my face. I feel my teeth loose in my mouth. The blood is thick. I gargle with it and then choke on it. Gasping I swallow teeth and a fair share of b negative. I feel the back of my head sunk into the asphalt. Another stoke and I hear my ribs splinter and crack like a log that had sat in the cold and suddenly found its way into a fire pit. This isn't so warm, this isn't so friendly, this isn't really how I lost my teeth...I can thank my love of Pepsi for that. Too bad Pepsi isn't as an exciting of story, maybe then more people would drink soda with a straw. This was just a story and one with a moral to boot.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Dating for Dummies

If I could take just a moment to further demasculante myself by comparing the three phases of dating to shoe shopping I would appreciate it thank you.

Trip to Cole hann and bizzaro world left my head full of an analogy to help in guiding in the bizarre ritual we call dating.

Phase I - Selecting a pair
Dating is like browsing for a pair of shoes. Scanning the shelves looking for something that catches your eye, something in your size. You put them on an walk around, how do they feel? How do they make you feel? Are they your style? Are they comfortable? Do they suit your use (Hiking, dress, sneakers, sandal's)? What material are they made of? (The scary part of this analogy is that the shoes have to like you too! They have to like being on your stinky feet, your socks, how you care for them, where you take them. Are you a scuffer? Do you walk in poop? The shoes have a choice to make too.

If you want my advise spend a lot of time in the store in this phase walking around with those shoes on, because as we have all learned it takes a little bit for blisters to appear and it really sucks when shoes cost you a lot of money and all they do is make your feet hurt.

Phase II - deciding to buy aka the transition
This phase is the talk with the shoes. This is the phase that in my opinion most people muck up because they don't talk or spend enough time in phase one. This is where you enter the discussion with the shoes to see if they are going to be your only pair of shoes. This is where the amount of time you spend in phases one matters. This is where you need to break it off before it breaks you. We all go into the shoe store with a set of assumptions, just like we go out into the world.
I like brown dress shoes
I want a big house
I will only wear Nike etc.
Now this is where you have to lay it on the table your assumptions about what the future looks like, what do you dream, what do you want? What do you not want? If you pay attention to the items in number one you have a good idea about what you need to discus before you buy. You also have learned if you you spent a lot of time in number one if the other person has redeeming qualities that might override the assumptions that you have about the world.
You might find out you like black dress shoes instead, or that Adidas are just as good as Nikes. If you skip this talk and move to phase three too soon you are destined to break hearts and resent the other person. Honesty is key here.....can you honestly afford these shoes? Are they the right pair for you? What do the shoes think?

Phase III - Taking them home
You move into a relationship with your shoes. You are responsible for cleaning out your closet of other shoes, polishing them to make them look new again everyday. You are monogamous with your shoes.

I love shoes what can I

If I have really learned anything in my life that I would offer as advise when it come to relationships it would be two things.....
1.) Talk early and often. As soon as you stop talking you are doomed. As soon as you hold it in your relationship is done, always be honest with yourself and your partner otherwise you really can go on indefinitely being miserable and life is too short for honest even when it hurts I should say especially when it hurts because that is usually when it is needed the most.
2.) Find or do something special for the other person everyday. As soon as you stop looking or doing something special you are done. Doesn't have to be alot could be a note or a text of a :) could be a kiss or a massage for no reason, commenting on a mannerism that makes them unique, could be as simple as shutting off the TV when the other person is talking, doesn't have to be a lot just enough to show them that your care everyday......and if your shoes fit they will do the same for you:)

In Jerry Springer fashion....take care of yourselves and each other

To Bizzario world with love,
Brian Johnson

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

What am I doing?

What am I doing?
I have no clue
No inkling
No Idea
But it feels right
I love the unknown
Watching it unfold
Play out without replay
When you realize you don't know
Life is like a present
Everyday is a surprise
A gem you dig out
Sometimes you only find
petrified poop
Sometimes you find gold
I have been panning well lately
Pan-a- ramic views
Expand my horizon
Shape me into a gentle monster
An ignorant gentle monster
I don't know shit
And I love it

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Differentiation is another form of Conformity

Musing on Identity and a reoccurring theme of being afraid to fail big. I struggle with why these themes reappear over and over in my journal because compared to most people I have a much higher risk tolerance and greater awareness of self.

Tramp stamp, Tongue ring, Tattoos, Pants that don't fit, too much make-up, look at my hair color, pull over sweater, Abercrombie and j-crew made this; me. I am sloppy, I am a gangster, I am trendy, I am preppy, I am Gothic, I don't care if you judge me, but please don't, I am a rebel, I am different just like everybody else.

I mask what the world sees to superficially distinguish myself. I surrender the larger fight of distinguishing myself from the world with the only thing I really thought. I fail to compete because I am scared, I surrender to exceeding lower expectations. I have chosen to retard myself because I have been afraid to fail.

I can pick my own label for the world to use on me, Why then do I pick a label that makes it so hard to participate in the discussion of real change, gain real prosperity. Is it so when I try and fail I will have an excuse not to feel bad?

don't hate the player hate the game. Why then shall I be called a sell out for corporate attire? This is how I get a seat at the table. This is how I move my piece on the big board. This is how I make dreams come true. This is how I make change, or is this how they change me?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Brian Trivia - Somethings you might not know about me

wow I never knew this stuff stole this from Dawn but I lost the link to the survey.

1.)If you blow out all the candles on Brian with one breath, your wish will come true!
2.)Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Brian supply.
3.)Brian can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.
4.)Brian is born white; his pink feathers are caused by pigments in his typical diet of shrimp!
5.)The pharoahs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten Brian !
6.)During World War II, Americans tried to train Brian to drop bombs.
7.)Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into Brian !
8.)Pacman was originally called Brian man.
9.)Astronauts get taller when they are in Brian !
10.)The international dialling code for Brian is 672.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Ready to Roll...?

Orginally posted as a comment on Faces myspace blog.

Ready to Roll.......?

Grab 6 dice.

Step one: Roll One Dice until you get a 5
Step two: Roll two dice until you get two numbers in a row (I,e 1 and a 2 or 2 and a 3 and so on)
Step three: Roll three dice until you get three numbers in a row (I.e 1-2-3 or 4-5-6 etc.)

If you want extra credit roll all three dice until you see 1-1-1

If you roll the dice enough times every number combination will appear, even if you have a 1000 dice with 1000 faces eventually you will roll those 1000 dice and they will appear in the order 1-2-3-4-5 and so on.

These first three dice represent your life. You control how many times you roll them, you control the ability to pick them up or put them down just like you control how you act in this life, you control how you respond, you control your decisions.

The next three dice represent circumstance roll them once and see what you get?
This is how circumstance is, one might get all ones 1-1-1 we will call this a bad hand. You were born into poverty, you have parents who suck, you only have one parent etc. Life rolls you a few of these.

Life is a combination of circumstance and action. What most people forget or get stuck on is and everything in it is some event that happens to them, their dad beat them, they are poor, they are drunk etc. A good rap song that speaks to this mentality is Atmospheres - Scapegoat

Their dice reads like this
Circumstance Choice
(1-1-1 0-0-0) Zeros represent that the person is not making choice, they are not rolling, they are letting life happen to them.
Or say they roll their dice one and get a bad roll
Circumstance Choice
(1-1-1 1-1-1)
They stop rolling because it didn't work there life is frozen in this path because they are refusing or unaware that they can roll again. Our growth is retarded, we become a victim of our circumstance. You only way out of a bad hand is too keep rolling.

Edison's Quote "I haven't failed I have only found a 10,000 ways that don't work" Illustrates his ability to keep rolling until it works.

You with me still?

Circumstance is only three dice but we can mint own our dice through our actions through or experience through our tolerance for risk. So why circumstance in life is fixed, how you make it is up to you. You can roll the dice any amount of time you want until you see a combination that is good for you. You can make new dice. You can live your life...all you have to do is roll them.

Another aside is that this same principal is why I choice lean towards the idea that god does not exsit. It takes a finite number of things to make life as we know it, Oxygen, Gravity, etc...All of the stars in the universe represent dice rolls combinations of those elements put together in different orders and eventually just like we saw the numbers appear 4-5-6 after a few roll we see life appear in the same order by matter of chance...

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The space between

Two conversations I have had recently have sent me to the mountain for a little thought.

Two simple questions with not so simple answers and I think one might give meaning to the other.
1.) So what do you believe in?
2.) What are you searching for?

I am searching for the space in between.
The space between a hand shake
The space between the said and unsaid
The space between containment and release

I am looking for the force. (Very star wars I know)
The force is the name in physics between the potential energy of and object and the kinetic energy of it after the force is applied and the energy released.
It is the variable of what sets a log on fire changing it from wood to heat.
It is the space between potential and action
It is the space between what is and what could be
In this space between there is thought, ambition, dreams, instinct, insecurity, chance, logic, illogic, fear, control, emotion, decision, understanding, reflection, meaning, motivation, there is force.
It is the moment before I use my strength to punch you and me breaking your nose.

I am seeking to learn about the space in between what I am capable of doing and what I do. I am seeking to understand the underlying form of Brian...the Why and how in hopes of shaping the what.

This has led me into the bowels of Evolutionary Biology, Genetics, and psychology. It is what I scour these texts, it is the reason I show up for class early. It is what I reflect on when I go to the mountain. It is the reason I am sometimes afraid of myself.

I believe that I can control the force, that I can understand the space between. That I can harness my actions and take control of my life to live out my dreams. I believe it because I do it everyday.

For my math purists I understand that this analogy is not perfect and that resting matter is still kinetic because atoms are in constant motion. I draw the above from the over arching definition of energy where energy in physics, (Definition from the ability or capacity to do work or to produce change. Forms of energy include heat, light, sound, electricity, and chemical energy. Energy and work are measured in the same units—foot-pounds, joules, ergs, or some other, depending on the system of measurement being used. When a force acts on a body, the work performed (and the energy expended) is the product of the force and the distance over which it is exerted

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I blew to speak

If you need a visual you can picture Mt Vesuvius eruption covering the city of Pompeii under three feet of ash.....except this wasn't ash. Every object in my room is now preserved for the ages as if time stopped at 9:30 last night.

What caused the slip of will power? Some hot women? Porn? Combination of both? No I am afraid in the end my will of steel succumb to nothing more than boredom.
Here are some notes from the last eight days I had jotted in my journal.

"All of a sudden I am really bored between 10 and 11pm"

"I might have to quit drinking too or invest in a straight jacket and straw....wonder how long it would take for me to go insane?"

"I think it is getting that possible? Maybe it because I am drinking a lot of water? Note to self investigate how hydration effects the size of the male member"

"I have a head ache (<- in the context of blue balls that is funny) But I really do have a fucking headache"

"I thought going to the gym would help relieve the stress but it seems that Mrs Universe padgent is in town and all of them like to work out in real skimpy clothes at Balleys"

"I have been working out a lot I have actually lost 3 lbs"

"I have been going to bed thinking about killing people to avoid thinking about women and now i think I want to kill somebody and then have sex with them"

"I can't sleep....I am afraid of my dreams and waking up in a puddle"

"OMG I was just flirting with the nasty girl from the store and liking it way too much"

"There is some truth to that line in something about Mary about going out with a loaded gun - This is the second time in as many days that I have acted like an idiot in front of women."

"Looking at my erection and not being able to comfort him I now know what a mother who is tied to a dock must feel like watching her only child drowned."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Are You In Here?

I am a dog chasing a tail
that's been cropped
I am a student searching for a class
That can't be taught
I toil in fields
That I will never reap
I sleep in a body
That can't find rest
I release a fist
But can't find peace
I seek love
In this place of violence
I am violent
In this place of love
I fill my life
With emptiness
So there is more room
For stuff I don't need
I find me
Then shut my eyes
Until I am a stranger again
Then I relax
I am a living ghost
If you look close enough
You can see through everything
Even this
I am 28 years old
And my reflection
Still startles me
I am woefully unfinished

Monday, March 06, 2006

Sound bites for life...

I have quotes written in all my journals and scattered around my house to help remind me of things and inspire me. Here are a few of my favorite ones....

"Be who who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
--Dr. Seuss

"A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has
fire, women will want him."
--Mae West

"Never let go of the fiery sadness called desire."
--Patti Smith

"Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too
--George Santayana

"Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small
people always do that, but the really great make you feel
that you, too, can become great."
--Mark Twain

"The man who has ceased to learn ought not to be allowed to
wander around loose in these dangerous days."
--M.M. Coady

"The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work."
--Harry Golden

"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of men of old; seek
what they sought."
--Matsuo Basho

"If you're going through hell, keep going."
-- Winston Churchill

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."
-- Charles A. Beard

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
- George Burns (1896-1996)

"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."
- Will Durant

"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means."
- Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.

"Luck is the residue of design."
- Branch Rickey - former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team

"Wit is educated insolence."
- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
- Robert Orben

"Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Well done is better than well said."
- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943 reminds me to rethink about things when I feel so damn sure

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both."
- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "The Prince"

"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame."
- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"He would make a lovely corpse."
- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I worship the quicksand he walks in."
- Art Buchwald

“Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat”
Harry Emerson Fosdick

“Ever feel like it’s 4th and 50 and someone just snapped both of your kickers legs?”
Brian Johnson

“Who gossips to you will gossip of you”
Turkish Proverb

“In idleness there is perpetual despair”

“The world belongs to the energetic”

“10 years from now what will I be glad I did today?”
Henry Marsh

Sunday, March 05, 2006


Tag from Dem

1: Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies? black and white.........
2: What is the 1 single subject that bores you to near-death? Celebrity lives...really who the fuck cares?
3: MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music? Love my IPOD
4: You are handed one 1st class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and $10 million cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going … Ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run? This depends if I could do it for a years and then come back and tell everyone I would do it.
5: Seriously, what do you consider the world’s most pressing issue now? Education seiously I think that it is as close to a silver bullet that there is and it makes me sick where this rates on peoples list of priorities.
6: How would you rectify the world’s most pressing issue? Increased spending and incentives maybe get Lauren to do some
7: You are given the chance to go back and change 1 thing in your life; what would that be? I would have started to be honest with myself much earlier, I would have talked more instead of just holding stuff in..........
8: You are given the chance to go back and change 1 event in world history, what would that be? Would have stopped Hiler at Munich
9: A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole’ Opry –Which do you choose? Opera.
10: What is the 1 great unsolved crime of all time you’d like to solve? The cover up of the death of Jesus it is the greatest crime that has been populated on the masses of the planent.........
11: One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal? Could it be two? Tom Robbins and Chuck Palahniuk...maybe I would make my mean ass egg plant parmesan
12: You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky — what’s the 1st immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact? What? Nothing will change.........

Who to tag? All.....cheers....or anyone who wants to participate

Thursday, March 02, 2006

May I get a what, what Please

Had an interesting experience last night that causes a couple of long standing beliefs that I hold come into question.
I was at Super America getting gas and was listening to my music while I was pumping. (Not too loud, mind you, because I hate that) Nevertheless, it must have been loud enough because the person at the pump across from me asked me how I could listen to that "Ignorant Country Shit." I had to explain to him that this was actually a Snoop Doggy Dog song being covered by the Gourds (a bluegrass group) on a mix cd I was listening too. He called over a couple of friends to listen and even jotted down the artist name before we parted ways laughing. He even started bumping the Snoop Doggy Dog Version as he peeled out in his escalade.
This set of a wave of thought that is still unsettling in my mind and for that, matter may flow out here rather incoherently. The song is Gin and Juice by the Gourds and in the contrast of the song in both versions; I started to see the clarity of the message that was being delivered. I mean it is word for word the same song the only thing that is different is the lyricist and the beat.
Then I noticed that I listen to it because it sounds stupid, why do I think it sounds stupid on this version but not on Snoops?
Is it the beat?
Do I allow good beats to be Trojan horses that imprint poor messages into my brain?
On the other hand, is my thought pattern more sinister?...Do I expect less in the form of morals and standards from African Americans making it some how more acceptable to hear from Snoop?
Did I learn this?
How do I learn things not just this but everything in my life as an over context of ideas?
How do I learn how to do something? It is a relevant thought after all I am in school. I learn by studying. Just like I have learned everything in my life I learn by watching others, listening to others, doing, repetition and self exploration.
What do I watch and listen too? What is this teaching me?
Then I started to think about how many messages or images do I need to see before I think that way? How many times did I have to be told or shown how to tie my shoes before I began to do it every day without a second thought? Now do not get me wrong at first I was shaken on the idea of censorship. First, let me say that I am against censorship and all of its forms, but it started to play on my mind. While I can defend individual pieces what happeneds when all those pieces that I defend become a lifestyle of repetition. Of Instruction. When they become the only source of entertainment and stimulation that I seek?
If what I have seen, heard and done forms the basis of how I think and view the world what does that mean? Can I ever really think independently?
If it is truly my choice, why do I choice feed so much negativity into my mind?
Puzzled I brought the topic up at book club later that night kicking around much of what is above and philosophy emerged at the table almost seemingly along racial lines as the topic went to rap music and videos. With people weighing in on two sides one defending the idea of "keeping it real" portraying reality as it is with a little buffer as possible the other as an inspiration of change the so called "carrot and the stick" of showing people what is possible to aspire to. The role model philosophy if you will.
After threw the topic out the group I largely abstained from the conversation.
This topic caused me to question another long standing believe that role models are not important. I would have always thought of the question in the context of your parents should be your role model not some outside force, but what if your parents are not that great? What if I want more? It might have been easy for me to say that role models are not important because as I look back the popular culture that I was exposed to, it gave me an ideal that I could live up to even if I was not aware of it. I saw examples of educated white people who were successful all of the time I saw ideals that I can emulate. Silver Spoons, Family Ties, Different Strokes, Richie Rich, Duck Tales etc. Although I admit I largely abstain from watching TV, I still see these Ideals in the few shows that I do watch. The West Wing, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, (Also watch family guy and all American dad but rather they are the anomaly)but there is also a move in the Nielsen ratings to more realistic shows War At Home, King of Queens, Raymond etc.
Does this increased move towards keeping it real limit our dreams and create a stagnate complacency? Is popular culture creating a willing lower-class?

Sorry I don't really know where I am going here, just some thoughts playing on my mind? Anyone have any thoughts on the subjects of censorship, role models, learning to internalize what we see?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

And so it begins......

I am not a religious man but have enjoyed the experience of some of the religious festivities if nothing else to help me appreciate and understand others points of view. In the past I have partaken in Ramadan the Muslim tradition of fasting from sun up to sun down although I admit I didn't fully abstain from all that is required by tradition read into that sex and booze but truly did abstain from doing these during the daylight and found it an excellent test of self control. In keeping with that experience and expanding on the catholic tradition of lent I am going to attempt to abstain from orgasming for the next 40 days. Similar to the movie if anyone has seen it. My last record since I was about 12 has been 5 days so this shall be no small task as any man will tell you.

So if over the next 40 days if I am cranky please understand and lend some support but for goodness sake don't touch me or tempt me...YOU KNOW WHO YOU TEMPTRESS ARE!!! ...LOL

What is included
No Wanking
No Wet Dreams
No Sex

I am worried about the possible side effects such as weight gain, but am prepared to deal with the ramifications.

I know this sounds crazy but I guess every once and a while you have to test yourself.

And so this test begins.....