Sunday, March 18, 2007

My Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds

I have open ridiculed people for years about having even a smidgen of hope that some great hand in the sky will come down and deliver them from all of their problems, on some grand day of reckoning. I have harassed them endlessly to change there way of life, to learn and do for themselves, to partake in lives richness while they still have time instead of waiting for a courts settlement in an afterlife that has only an factorially minimal chance of existing.

Yet, I walked out of a gas station last night and realize that I am doing the exact same thing in my life.

I looked at my purchase and suddenly felt very shameful and small. I held in my hand a powerball ticket. My weekly ritual purchase for over 2 years now. It is the invisible hand I think is going to come down and rescue me from all of my problems. Some unseen force that I some how feel entitled to. This belief in this rescue shelters me from having to take responsibility for the horrific state of my affairs as of late. It will be ok when I win the powerball I lie to myself. Week after week a superficial hold out of chance that I will be saved by this random assortment of numbers. I have used it as a crutch to avoid the hard work that is required to climb out of this hole and in doing so have become exactly that which I loath…

Just a thought. I still know that it is at least possible in this comparison to win the powerball unlike the realization that god exists but the odds are about the same…and I am still feeling like a defective schmuck..


Rocketstar said...

" I have used it as a crutch to avoid the hard work that is required to climb out of this hole..."

-- I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You've worked hard.

A dollar to dream is well worth it. The lottery exists, God as far as we know does not.

Mags said...

And also, you can't win if you don't play.