Wednesday, November 14, 2007

BNN Special Report

Weather:
The wind is aggressive in its pursuit today
Like a hungry pickpocket trying to take your warmth


Local News:
Jimmy Johns was busier then usual at lunch today and much to my embarrassment a number 5 with "pep" has risen in price from $5.03 to $5.08. I was spared the humility of trying to slide on the nickel I was off by a rather pleasant lady in a grey jacket who smelled reminiscent of mothballs and whisky but I was in no position to judge and she had a pleasant smile and a gentle hands.

In Other Local News:
I didn't utter a single word from 1:21 to 3:56 today.

Tonight's Winning Lottery Numbers:
Where not on my fucking ticket

Traffic:
A green late model Ford was honked at by a tan mini-van on the corner of 66th and Lyndale after failing to begin moving as soon as the light turned green. The women in the white mini-van had several bouncing children in the back that I am thankful I couldn't hear. My source speculates that this driver may need a drink later in the evening.

Science:
If you ever watch a tree change colors in the fall you will notice that the leaf starts to die at its extremities. Changing colors till it reaches its stem and its cycle of life complete it falls to the ground. Just like you and your erectile dysfunction, shacking cold hands and feet. The tip of your nose that has seen too many winters and winds. Trees in the rainforest last longer, they are waxy and monstrous. I wonder if science helps us live longer if we will become waxy too collagen lumps of fat and tissue spare parts in our freezers waiting for a kidney to fail. I wonder what we will look like. I wonder how the value of life would change if we all lived to be 300. Would we value the world more, be more enviromental if we knew we would live to see the outcome?

Opt Ed:
In reflection of my pending 30th birthday and the realization that this ride is half way over I sat on a bench next to an old woman waiting for a bus. I asked her if life was like a basketball game where the fourth quarter was the most exciting or if the best part of the game was truly over. She said, "Get away from me." I decided to to just that since I noticed she has a stick of mace and looked like she knew how to use it.

5 comments:

Mags said...

This is really where I get my news from. :)

I love these...never stop, k?

*Ren* said...

I'm cracking up so hard right now!! Awesome post. Fuck the news, I'm tuning in to your blog instead!

Oh and the old lady thing sounds like something I'd do but I've never had anyone respond to my weird questions in that way!

Cheri said...

We must be headlining at the movie theater together, it seems.

terri said...

God help us if we have to live to be 300. I'll take a pass, thanks.

I totally cracked up picturing you sitting on the bench trying to have a profound conversation with an old lady only to be scorned and driven away!

Ma said...

what makes you think you'll die when you're 60?