Walk it Off......

Why cant I walk it off
Shake it off
I am closer to the edge then you will ever know.
I am winded and my race has so far to go
I stop
I want to quit
Give in
I look for the strength to finish and find a black hole
I find caches of issues I have not dealt with
Hidden Like weapons in a video game
Weapons I use to undo my self
I am wrapped in excuses
I step off the path
I sit still
I can feel the weight of a thousand sleepless nights in my core
Eyes swollen with tears not yet cried
Thousand unanswered dreams
I am the reason
Missed opportunities
I understand string theory
In dimensions of sadness
Underdeveloped limbs burdened with guilt
Seek strength in crystal glasses filled with ice cubes
Relief is evasive
I spill
I roll in my mess
It is all I know how to do
Words leak from me like I ate rotten chicken the night before
Thought is slower
A balloon that deflates over time
Like will to try something new
The world comes alive with sun
I sink deeper into the darkness of my own creation
A cycle of self destruction
Energy to continue depletes faster than I know how to manufacture it

Suicide is a dog chasing its tail coming to the conclusion that it can't be caught and stopping

Welcome to the otherside of Hell Mr. Johnson

I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 30 days. It is however finally coming to an end, well at least the part that is within my control. Stress has given birth to a new me some how older and more mature. I will be getting back to all that I have been negating including making the rounds for rounds.

PS why do I have such a hard time asking people for help? Is it really just a stupid stubborn pride thing?

This is the end of the innocence?

Ever watched children play? Their fearlessness, curiosity and joy are overwhelming. Should we go back to being a child? Or do we have an even greater gift? Is the innocence of children really just ignorance? You are fearless as a child because you have never really been hurt. But isn't it empowering when we as adults aware of the consequences can make a decision to take a risk fully aware of the possible outcomes and aware of actually what we are risking.

The Problem With Hell

"Are you saved?"
"From What?"
"Eternal Damnation!"
Does anyone else have a problem with the concept of being damned to eternity for a mere lifetime of sin? I mean even if I am the meanest atheist on the planet for my entire life....isn't eternity a bit harsh from a god that is supposedly merciful and just? Do those concepts reconcile? I say if I am supposed to forgive trespasses then god should be a bigger deity and cut me a little slack. Truthfully I think the concept of hell is nothing more than a control that was introduced into the system of religion in order to control people through the use of fear but that is just me. If hell really does exist then I say god is a prick and it would be virtuous for us to rebel against his controlling influence and go our separate ways...who does this deity think he is?

If there is no hell then there is nothing to be saved from and if god is just then there is no hell....

Joy Is A Capsized Ship - Part 3

To say I woke up is not right
It is closer to the truth that I came too
I am naked on a beach
In a port of my mind
Bleeding and blistered hands
Crack open and run with blood
Everytime a fist is made
Showers have been missed
My aroma is not pleasant
But I finally feel clean
I build this ship for me
This is a hull of actions
Seams of words
I didn't create the words
They have always been there
This is just my combination of them
Sentences spoken
Sentences written
Some order to the chaos of me
Made of letters and sounds
I write these words in my log books
Straight lines
Each one written untangles a snarl in my heart
Frees me from the burden of nots
I let go
I release you
I forgive you
I beg you for your forgiveness
No more wading
No more raft
No more treading water
I look for big waves
They expose the flaws in my design
I learn
I repair, patch, build
I still leak
I still rot
But less
I still see a distorted view in the mirror
Like looking into a muddy puddle swirled with rainbows of oil
A breeding ground of virus, bacteria and mosquito's
A picture of me
But this is closer to the truth
Then I have ever known before
Joy is lessons from a capsized ship learned
I pack differently now
No debris
captains log star date 482006
I don't know where this path leads
But I am going at full sail
Fear will not stop this vessel
Bring it bitch


These are not my words
But as I arrange their order
I take ownership of them
They become mine
These are now my words
Painting my inside for you to see......


My Name is Brian Johnson and in so many words this is my life....

Joy Is A Capsized Ship - Part 2

A corner is turned
A right angle
Compass points north
Conversations spark new ways of thinking
They illuminate how rotten my hull is
On the horizon is a new view
I would say I walked a plank
But that is too simple
I wasn't spurred to a plunge into the abyss by threats
But by promises
Fantasy
I went willingly
Naively
I step off the end
Into an illusion of what life is supposed to look like
A siren charms my snake
I forget more than just my name
I spoke with my heart drained of meaning and blood
Blood that was pooled elsewhere
I am lust
I am greed
I am building a ship
Not for me
But for a show and tell
I am doing well
Just do not look too closely
I am insecure
I am frail
I am a movie set of perfection
My cardboard back turned towards
All that I loved
Paint only makes things look new
I left without even waving
My vows mean nothing
Because I am nothing
I walk across the water so filled with sharks you would swear the ocean was paved
I feel pain
I am being devoured by carnivores on the inside
I try to come up for air
The surface is frozen
My screams echo off from under the ice
The sun mocks me from the other side
Water fills my lungs
I am scared
I am hurting
I am alone
Forgotten words, faces, touches
It took me 15 years to be able to tell another human being that I hurt
Now no one is left to hear me
Everything I thought was important is frozen in the ice on the surface
I am dying
As I sink into the darkness
I see my imprint in the ice
Hollow man
Form with out substance
I close my eyes
And see clearer than I have ever seen before
Today is the day I cried in public again

Joy Is A Capsized Ship - Part 1

Joy is a capsized ship sinking
I cling to the debris that floats
On the surface
Or at least I used to
This time I swim away
Clothes on my back
Freedom from all the cargo I have stowed
The first time my ship sank was
March 23 1988
A telephone call torpedoed my hull
Taking out my knees and causing me to fall to the floor
Water poured in so loudly
It drowned out my mothers words,
“You dad is dead”
I was 10 years old when I began to build this wall
A wall that cannot be seen from space
But is no less impressive
Suffocated the pain
Isolation
Motion
Ingestion
Digestion
You can only tread water so long before your body gives out
My mind surrendered first
I switched on autopilot
I touched his face at the wake
It was cold, rubbery from the cement used to reconstruct him
To present him for my viewing displeasure
I cried
It would be the last time I would do so in public
I would hide it for many years
Behind walls made of bricks of deception, lies and silence
Walls so deep and layered
I became a city in a city in a city
I am lost walking my own streets
I built an island in a sea of change
I am stagnate
I am a prerecorded message
I am a prepared statement for the record
This was never live
Rafts are not the same as boats
They are easy to make and abandon
They are adrift in the sea
At the will of the currents and undertow
I built rafts for many years
I loved the undertow
I mistook its movement for progress
Drowned me
Inhale water
Exhale wasted potential
This time it was different though
Something changed

Happily Never After?

Isn't it bizarre that one of the first acts that ritually consummates a marriage is the cutting of the cake? An act of separation used to signify unity. I know if I would have spent more than 30 seconds googling this I most likely would have found the answer to why we do this and it can replace the significance’s in my head of this is the first act of splitting all of your stuff 50/50.

Should I ever find myself in the position I think I am going to re-write this one so that you have two pieces of cake and you squirt frosting in the middle and stick them together. If you are big on imagery, you can imagine the squirting of frosting as a blessing of fertility.

That is all....

Bizzio O'Bittensnatch
(Had to bite Face)

Warning Label

Smoking decreases gas mileage by adding addtional drag on your car as you drive with the windows down.

Breathe

Serenity Now....Serenity Now