How Hot?

Why we do not use Celsius to tell the temp I will never know. It makes sense for human conditions. Water freezes at 0 and boils at 100. I have started a Celsius awareness program and have started to tell people the temp in Celsius to try to get rid of the nasty use of Fahrenheit across the United States.

Our first lesson begins with how to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit.
Multiple by 1.8 and then add 32

Lesson two is the reverse to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius
Subtract 32 then divide by 1.8

Some general rules of thumb if you are too drunk to do the math while traveling in a country who is smart enough to use Celsius are a few reversible's for example 16 degrees Celsius is roughly 61 degrees Fahrenheit, or 28 degree Celsius is roughly 82 degrees Fahrenheit.

No, I Will Not Play

I am not sure if there is a dumber game you can play then limbo...it is just not fun and it is stupid. I don't bend that way. I can't do sit and reach either so yeah...fuck you! I will not play this stupid game.

Five Reasons Limbo is Lame:

1.) It is not erotic to bend like that. If you doubt me try to play it naked. It is like watching someone cough naked, it is just gross.

2.) If I want to see someone fall I will just push them or better yet trip them when they are carrying something, this is much more exciting.

3.) I don't want to see someone get that low. Waist high is good enough...I am just not a fan of the toe job. It's up here honey!!

4.) You can only see down someones shirt if you are the next person in line behind them which makes it a lousy spectator sport.

5.) The shitty music that seems to accompany this lame event always provokes me to the edge of a shooting spree.

If you are planning a party or a wedding keep this, the chicken dance, the makareana(sp) and the Conga line off the itinerary... PLEASE

Otherwise Stay Dead....Please

If man is the highest creation of an intelligent designer then I say that he didn't aim very high and settled for very little. I suspect that if we do find evidence of God on a sub-atomic level it will be accompanied with traces of duck tape, spilled whiskey and microscopic cigarette butts where in a drunken bout of creation he said, "fuck it, good enough".

I have a very hard time around holidays. Coming from a fairly religious family and being flanked by others around me with religious back grounds, I have a hard time abstaining and withdrawing from religious festivities that I just don't support without seeming like a prick.

"Come on just go for me." "It is not about Jesus it is about family." "Everybody goes to church on Easter" ....I actually busted out the Saturday afternoon logic of, "if all your friends where jumping off of a bridge would you?"

I have a hard time with how to take a stand but I fear if I don't that we will not be able to stop the dogma that is controlling our policy in this country and millions of people will continue to suffer as a result.

Why can't we just celebrate the coming of Spring with great feast, friends and family. Isn't the shedding of coats, the return to the out doors, the trees awakening and flowers rising from the soil enough to wonder and marvel at. The mystery of life and its beauty isn't diminished by our understanding of it, only enhanced.

If you really want to witness rebirth and a true resurrection let the world grow up free to think for themselves, in a time and place where we understand there is enough wonder and mystery to explore without inventing more.

Until then I am writing to you as an exiled American Aethist deep in America,

Brian

Stuck in the Middle

It has been forever since I have looked at globe and I wish I would have stayed away. Last night i took a peak and realized Minneapolis resides on the 45th Parallel. Which means that it is the same distance from my house to the equator as it is to the north pole. Front door south or back door north? I suddenly became immobilized by indecision and sat unable to sleep in the middle of my house until it was light out and time to go to work. I had to crawl out the side window facing west since I seemed to remember go west young man as some positive inspiration that I picked up somewhere.

Pedestrian

Pedestrian

Maybe I am confused

When I am driving and a person sees me and walks across my path really slow am I a total jackass for getting irate and honking at them or are they the jackass for not speeding up or waiting to cross till after I pass.

I know they have the right off way but still they do not have the right of way because they are cool or important or special they have the right of way because I am in a moving two ton object headed at them and will kill them if I hit them. I think the right of way law has something to do with a fair fight or something, but just once I would love to floor it and watch their fragile human body shatter against the grill of my car. I would frame the windshield and place it on my mantle hopefully preserving the smug ass face they had on their grill when I knocked the life out of them.

Peek- a - Boo

Intimate portrait...Brian

Object take six pictures and post them

1.) Take a picture of your morning breakfast.

Truthfully though I usually eat it at work out of a foam cup

2.) Take a picture of the inside of your fridge (No cleaning be fair)

Not as bad as you would think huh?

3.) Take a picture of where you type your blog

Right in my living room camped out on the couch...or for you people down south davenport and yes I am that clean.

4.) Take a picture of the view outside your front door

Yes, that is my ugly Honda Element

5.) Take a picture of your night stand..( Don't clean it off..cheater)


Ok I cheated here and removed one thing but hey people I work with read this..lol

See I am really not that cool just a normal guy...

Naming Convention Change Goes Down in Committee

On the topic of renaming Fathers Day to Motherfuckers Day:

This was voted down on a technicality at the 113th Annual Tailgate Happy Hour convention on the following basis.

It is possible to be a father without being a motherfucker in the literal sense. Since we have to base the assumption of fatherhood on the moment of conception it is possible for intercourse to take place with out fatherhood being decided upon its completion. Since sperm survives for several days inside the Vagina we can not be certain of how soon after ejaculation the man is determined to be father. Since the act of sex can and often is completed before conception one can not be called a motherfucker if his relations end there.

While there is a good chance that relations may continue after conception since it is not guaranteed we can not apply the name to all people on the given holiday. Since it can not be applied we can not over turn the name of Fathers Day into Motherfuckers Day. Although most women in the forum agreed Motherfuckers Day is more appropriate even though not more accurate.

What to Eat First

What part of the Chocolate Jesus do you eat first?

This is much more interesting since it is anatomically correct...

Times up

Had kind of an eerie experience this weekend. I was getting ready to go out for the night and I noticed that my watch stopped at 9:15, so I went and grabbed another one. Just as I was getting ready to go I noticed that the second one stopped at 10:15. No sooner then I thought in my head wow that is weird I got these batteries at way different times, did an ominous thought pass through my mind....You are going to die on August 15 at 10:15. It gave me the shivers and was such a vivid thought that it stuck with me all weekend.

It gave me a flashback to something that I used to do when I was ten years old that I hadn't thought about in a long time. Shortly after my dad died I went through this obsessive phase that lasted for a few years where I had to say the name of everybody that I knew before I went to bed or they would die. It sounds crazy I know, but I had to do it. I would say their name and send them through this ritual I would do with my eyes and hands, love and protection and if I didn't do it right I would have to start all over on the list of names or someone on the list would die and it would be my fault. This list had all my family and friends as well as random people such as my neighbors, teachers, bus drivers, Ed who ran the corner drug store...in all about 50 names the extent of the people involved in my ten year old world. I can remember not sleeping some nights because I had to go through the list so many times because I would keep messing up.

I don't know why these ominous thoughts and memories have been circulating in my neuron network lately, but there seems to be some kind of night of the living dead rising taking place in the recesses of my mind..

The New Hot Spot - Bestsy's Back Porch

Ok so it is not super hot, but it is a very chill place to hang out and talk. I found this out since my neighbors have decided to be little bitches and lock down their wireless ports.
I have taken to walking my ass down to the corner coffee shop to write and use their wi-fi. This has had several added unsuspecting benefits like I have met a few other writers and just some generally cool people. They have good food in descent portions so I am not eating bar food all the time. They have good coffee and with the added bonus of wine and beer. Just a whole nother scene that I am kind of digging it is a great place for doing homework on the week nights and just hanging out in on the weekends. If you are ever in my hood lets go down and hang. I am actually even trying to get my boss to let me work from there during the day.

But this really isn't what I want to talk about. I have started to have this amazing feeling over the course of the last two years. The better I get to know myself the more any place I go feels like home....isn't that weird?

I used to feel only comfortable in certain places and situations now I feel good everywhere....anyone else ever had that experience? Like after all this time I finally feel comfortable even proud of being me?




Picture of my haircut....faces only changed to protect the innocent