Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Shit...I mean Poop

Feeling a little like poop today so I thought I would dig this out for your enjoyment.


THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF POOP
Ghost Poop = You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but
no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop = Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel
it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet
bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop = This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your bum 12 times
and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in
the toilet.

Second Thought Poop = You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to
stand up when you realize it…you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop = You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has
its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop = This poop is so big that you know it
won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat
hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's
house.

Wet Cheeks Poop = This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash
that gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop = You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before
you poop.

Snake Poop = This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb
and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) = You'll know it's all right to
eat again when your arsehole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop = This happens the day after the night before. Normally your
poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody
standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens
at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle = The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then
quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it
falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop = The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and
your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber = The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it
always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop = The king of poop that sits in the toilet
overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop = The kind of poop that yanks out your bumhair as it
pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Dirty Bowl Poop = The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a
second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop = When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that
you no longer need to take a poop.

The Toxic Gas Poop = The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall off
the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South
American town.

REDRUM Poop = Poop is dark and mushy, you can actually feel the blood as you wipe it from your behind. This is a good time to go to the doctor and check your ulcer and AA for your drinking problem.

6 comments:

Mags said...

THAT is a lot of poop...

I'm sorry you feel crappy. Wanna cuddle?

the108 said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I love poop!

Brian in Mpls said...

I would love to cuddle:)

I am a huge fan too!! I have several of my best pieces mounted in my living room:)

Lucidiocy said...

Ahh,

just what's needed to lift a foul mood...

good old scatology.

Thanks for the laugh,

Tamar

karin said...

My friend from work and I were reading this at lunch today and we were laughing so hard there were tears streaming down our faces-haven't had that happen in so long so thanks! You are really talented-although I have to wonder what else you could be doing with your time :) I guess at least you are improving the world with your sense of humor though.

Gloria said...

Hahaha, this is damn funny! I'm going to forward this post to everyone in my list. Poop!