Friday, June 29, 2007

Patio Pissing Match

As a smoker forced out of the AC into the heat of the streets and patios of establishments by Minneapolis's smoking ban, I tell you I take a small amount of pleasure stinking up the outdoors for all of the uppity people who like to sit outside.

I find it ironic and pleasurable that I sit along the very people responsible for kicking me outside and blowing my smoke in their j-crew framed faces.

I know I am a prick

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Your Friend Walks into a Bar

Q.) Here is the situation. I have two guy friends who had a dispute that turned really ugly and I am just wondering what you think. Friend A. is married he has three kids but has a really hard crush on a bartender at a tavern we go to. Friend B is single and had relations with the bartender that A. has a crush on recently.

When A found out what B had done it turned into a fight...broken noses, cut eyes, kind of fight.

Now I am curious what you think. I held A down and told him he was way out of line for hitting B. People who knew the situation who were also present said I was a pig for taking B.'s side.

What do you think? Who is in the wrong?

Two of My Favorite Shirts

If you are looking for constant stimulation and near death experiences try a new shirt.

Here are two of my favorites..

And while they spark good conversation where ever I go I have learned to avoid wearing them at hole in the wall bars were there tend to be some intoxicated heavily armed patrons...

Buy yours at Cafe Press

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Life's Simple Luxury #254123

Life's Simple Luxury #254123

Car Wash

What is it about a car wash and a clean car that can make you feel like a million dollars?

I love it.

Like some how my sins and stress are melted away by little rainbow streaks of foam and high pressure washers. Every evil deed exorcised out of my by vacuums that leave vanilla-roma scent.


Take responsibility for the life you have been given?


Try to create the life you want?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Another Failed Invention Attempt - RIP

Solar Powered Tanning Bed - Ok it is really just a lawn chair and some creative marketing but it was a good

No really I hate laying face down on a lawn chair but I love sitting out side and reading and doing homework. Problem though is that my front is super tan and my back is super white.

So I set out to invent a solution to this problem.
I took an over sized Yoga make and sprayed glue all over one side.
Then I broke a bunch of different bottles and old mirrors and dumped the glass on top of the glue.
I then took some clear cable and rebound an old lawn chair.
I then suspended the yoga mat with the glass about a foot below the lawn chair.

My theory was that light would refract off the glass and tan my back while I sat and comfortably read.

Instead it melted the chair....

Guess I am back to the drawing board

Monday, June 25, 2007

Mercy Killing

Mercy killing is not the right word but it comes to mind.

I am in a who can kill who first battle with my alter ego Bizzio Von Bitten snatch

I am happy to report I got the drop on him this weekend

In his drunken stupor he was found slipping and paid dearly


Three Bites of Happiness

Order a number two at McDonald's and a six piece chicken nugget. Remove lower half of bun from cheeseburger #1 so that the meat patty is exposed to you. Place three chicken nuggets on top of the beef patty and spreads a thin amount of BBQ sauce over the nuggets. Then take a handful of fries and place them on top of the nuggets. Place bun back on burger turn over and enjoy in three bites of pure happiness.

Repeat with cheese burger #2

Friday, June 22, 2007

No Butts About It

"Hot Carl" - Taking a crap on someones face. People will argue that a hot Carl involves using saran wrap on the face to prevent mess that will have to be cleaned off. This is crap any purist will tell you that is a wussed down step away from a "cold Carl" which is having some one lay under a glass table while you poop on the table above their face. The tube sock version is also false....

If you take a dump on their chest this is called a "Cleveland Steamer"

Ass to mouth is called a "Rusty Trombone"

Ass to tits is called a "Chili Dog"

A "Greasy Pablo" is wiping your unwiped butt on a door handle that someone has to use.

Rocket I know I am missing some other ones....what do you got?

This has been a public service broadcast.....

Addiction or Habit?

This article was interesting to me....

What is the difference between a habit and an addiction?

Thursday, June 21, 2007


4real, 4sho and 4skin walk into a bar and meet wuzzup and aintshit for a drink.

For the Working Stiffs

Today is Recess Day:)

Today is also the Summer Solstice and the longest day of the year. To all my pagen friends celebrating today from dawn to dusk I love you:) Blessed be and so be it:)

One of My Favorite Songs

I think it is just reminiscent of my childhood or something but every time Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al Comes on I get happy:)

Do you have any songs like this?
Do you think Paul Simon could be a super star if he was emerging today in the culture of the video?

A man walks down the street
He says why am I soft in the middle now
Why am I soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard
I need a photo-opportunity
I want a shot at redemption
Don't want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard
Bonedigger Bonedigger
Dogs in the moonlight
Far away my well-lit door
Mr. Beerbelly Beerbelly
Get these mutts away from me
You know I don't find this stuff amusing anymore
If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

A man walks down the street
He says why am I short of attention
Got a short little span of attention
And wo my nights are so long
Where's my wife and family
What if I die here
Who'll be my role-model
Now that my role-model is
Gone Gone
He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl
All alone alone
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al
Call me Al

A man walks down the street
It's a street in a strange world
Maybe it's the Third World
Maybe it's his first time around
He doesn't speak the language
He holds no currency
He is a foreign man
He is surrounded by the sound
The sound
Cattle in the marketplace
Scatterlings and orphanages
He looks around, around
He sees angels in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says Amen! and Hallelujah!

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al
Call me Al

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Potted Plant

Life as a plant,
In a box.
Some can be saved
Some are past the point
Of recovery
Sometimes you can re pot
Sometimes re potting kills
Sometimes you just
Hope that the seed
Growing far
From the acidity
That plagues
This state of mind

If you have a potted plant then you might like a garden. In just about every garden there is a garden gnome and other garden accessory. If you like plants then you should have a garden with cute little garden gnomes!

The Force

Maybe this is the force that Yoda talked about...created by all living things, it surrounds us, binds us and penetrates is either neutrino's or sperm he is talking about..

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Shit...I mean Poop

Feeling a little like poop today so I thought I would dig this out for your enjoyment.

Ghost Poop = You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but
no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop = Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel
it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet
bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop = This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your bum 12 times
and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in
the toilet.

Second Thought Poop = You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to
stand up when you realize it…you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop = You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has
its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop = This poop is so big that you know it
won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat
hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's

Wet Cheeks Poop = This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash
that gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop = You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before
you poop.

Snake Poop = This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb
and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) = You'll know it's all right to
eat again when your arsehole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop = This happens the day after the night before. Normally your
poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody
standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens
at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle = The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then
quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it
falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop = The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and
your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber = The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it
always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop = The king of poop that sits in the toilet
overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop = The kind of poop that yanks out your bumhair as it
pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Dirty Bowl Poop = The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a
second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop = When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that
you no longer need to take a poop.

The Toxic Gas Poop = The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall off
the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South
American town.

REDRUM Poop = Poop is dark and mushy, you can actually feel the blood as you wipe it from your behind. This is a good time to go to the doctor and check your ulcer and AA for your drinking problem.

FYI - Myth Busted - Street Lights and Tickets

For some reason I always thought that if you were going the posted speed and were between the start of the solid white line used to mark the left turn lane and the intersection when the light turned yellow you could make it across safely before the light turned red. I swear that was in drivers ed or something...

I can tell you it is NOT true!!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Super Hero

Cultural assassin
Status quo hit man
Searching the closets
Of our collective house
Twin hatches in hand
Ready to bury
The shiny blades
Deep into the skulls
Of pale assumptions
Some times in order
To Clean
You have
To make
A mess

Friday, June 15, 2007

Prayer Group

I was recently added to a Prayer group at church where apparently a group of church elders sits around and prays for things to happen like people getting rid of illness and demons etc.

I must admit I find the process quite amusing. A group of people think they can join forces and bully God into changing things. Perhaps draw his attention to something he over looked in his divine wisdom. It would almost seem to me as an outsider that this very act belittles Gods divinity reducing him to a bumbling repairman who needs some regulation on behalf of followers.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Trees Are Natures Vomit

Alternative View #12541 - Trees are Natures Vomit

I was happily sitting and pitching walnuts at my neighbors dogs that happen to enjoy testing their vocal prowess at two in the morning, when I suddenly had an uneasy thought. One of the dogs took one of the walnuts and buried it in the yard. I envisioned this huge tree growing out of the earth and it hit me. The earth doesn't like walnuts and vomits them skyward in a very slow manner. Trees are the earth's vomit. The earth doesn't like trees, trees prevent erosion and the earth from moving about freely on the wind. These vomit projectiles we call trees make the earth its slave forcing it into a single location and suffocating it from the sun...

Next time you are in forest or field just think every tree, every blade of grass is just piece of vomit that is being puked skyward out of the earth at a slow pace.

The forest clear cutters are the earths friends they clean this vomit off the landscape and get rid of the plagues of fury vermin that take refugee inside this sickness called nature...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Wordless Wed.

When I was little I had a teddy bear under my bed who liked to kill people....

This Light Post

Last night I did one of my favorite things, I climbed into a swing I have in my back yard and put my legs up and just rocked.

It is how I define the meaning of peace and relaxation. Just sitting there, thinking.

I was watching the wind blow through the trees and the light post in the alley sway ever so slightly. For some reason I compared it in my mind to a tooth rocking back and forth in a socket until it just falls out. Like rain that eventually will defeat the hardest steal drop by drop if given enough time.

These things will out out live me, but even as I get ready to depart I take some sad serenity that even though their span here is greater then mine...they will all succumb eventually...


Everything disappears with enough time.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Heat Wave

Ok it is 90 degrees in my fair city which may not mean a lot to those of you who get this kind of weather all the time but for here, this is HOT.

As I was laying in bed sweating my ass off I started thinking about heat and it just doesn't make sense.

Shouldn't I have more energy the hotter it gets?

You would think that the closer the outside temperture gets to 98.6 degrees the less energy that my body would have to devote to regulating its own temp freeing up some extra juice to burn off at a dance

But instead the hotter it gets the more I want to sit around like a sack of turds and do nothing.

Mind Map

On the verge of genius
The brink of discovery
Merge on Misinformation Super Highway
Exit on Failure
Hard right on Chicken Shit
Right on on Rationalization
Right on Delusion
Left on Self Worth
Beyond Comprehension
Past Moral Fortitude
Down the street from Comfort
Across the road from United
Over the unmarked graves of deceased identities
Under a bridge
By-Pass Others feelings
By taking Not Consistent Follow- Thru
Along came no-one
Inside myself

Monday, June 11, 2007

Classic Rogue

Your Score: William Powell: You scored 14% Tough, 28% Roguish, 14% Friendly, and 42% Charming!

You are the classic rogue, a stylish rake with the devil of a wit and a flair for mischief, and you shake your martinis to waltz time. You are charming and debonair, but slightly untrustworthy, and women should be on their guard. If married, you are simply a bit of a flirt, even if it's just with your own wife...but if you're single, watch out. You usually rein yourself in to concentrate on one lovely beauty at a time, but with you, we never know. You're an inviting partner, but there's a playful devil behind your eyes, and those trying to get close to you should know they're playing with fire. You're stylish and fun, but you follow your own course, which may or may not include a steady gal. Co-stars include Myrna Loy and Carole Lombard, classy ladies with an adventurous streak.

Find out what kind of classic dame you'd make by taking the Classic Dames Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 13% on Tough

You scored higher than 84% on Roguish

You scored higher than 15% on Friendly

You scored higher than 83% on Charming


For all of the nay-sayers the season final was a perfect ending. Not everything in life wraps up neatly at the end. Life is a mess filled with emotions, uncertainly and imagination.

As it cut to black in the final scenes and I sat there with my blood thirst version of blue balls taking in Chases final send off...I clapped on my couch by myself.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1.) I have far fewer friends then I thought.

2.) The people who really are my friends are different people then I thought.

3.) Most of the people I am close with I have met in the last three years.

4.) I have grown-up more then I thought.

5.) I have a lot of growing up still left to do.

6.) I am pretty fun

7.) The world is pretty honest, thanks to whoever found and turned in my cash card this weekend that was awesome:)

8.) The world loves to drink Hard Johnsons

9.) I need to get into better shape.

10.) I need to quit smoking.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

A Return to Cohesion

A brief essay for class at my very religios

A Return to Cohesion: Returning the Rightful Motto to Our Currency
By Brian Johnson

There is no greater affront to the separation of church and state then to have our national currency emblazoned with the mantra, “In God We Trust.” If we believe in democracy and the inclusion and rights of all citizens within our borders, these four simple words should be stricken from our financial record.

Proponents of the mantra would like you to believe they are modern day prophets. Entrusted by some divine power to enforce these words as a testament to our founding fathers and the Christian ideals upon which this country was founded. The history of the motto however, is not on their side. While it would be convenient for the prophets to trace this motto back to the beginning of this country, it was not until July 30 1956 that Dwight D. Eisenhower instituted the slogan as the national motto. He changed the national slogan from E Pluribus Unum which is Latin for, “out of many, one” (, 2007) and ordered the new motto printed on all currency in response to what he called, “The Godless communist soul” (, 2007). The context of this new religious anthem arose not out of the seeds of our country’s fertile beginning but as a response to communism and the start of the cold war. With this motto arriving so late in our nations history coupled with the call to return this country to the ideals of our founding fathers, the prophets deliver an eloquent argument why we should remove it from our currency. Should the prophets truly want to give tribute to the founding fathers of our country, why not then return to the mantra given to us by them? After all, in 1776, our country’s birth, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin created the national motto E Pluribus Unum to do exactly the opposite of what “In God We Trust” does -- bring diverse people together.

If we are concerned about the cohesion and stability of the diverse cultures of our country, it is noteworthy that 19% of the people living in our country describe themselves as Atheist or non-religious (Humanist Survey, 2002). That is roughly one in five and climbing. The Humanist survey states that even the people who identify themselves as religious are declining with membership in religious organizations dropping from 61% to 54% over the last ten years (Humanist, 2002). Is separating and alienating 20% of the population really, what the founding fathers had in mind when they set out a doctrine that wished for nothing more then the protection of all people in a society where all have freedom from oppression? Remember many of them were escaping religious oppression and persecution, so then we must ask why in turn would they want us to impose our religious views on others?
Freedom of religion and separation of the church and state are fundamental rights that protect the whole of society from views and doctrines governed by a specific few. The prophets may say the motto only says “God” but does not specify which god. Now, let us assume the 20% of the people in this country who do not believe in any god do not exist. We only need to look at front page of any world newspaper to know we are specifically talking about a Christian entity for two reasons: One, if we use the founding fathers as an argument, then that is exactly who they were talking about. Two, we have spent a great deal of the last century deposing regimes that are Islamic because the government is opposed to those religious regimes hindrance of democracy in the world. If we look at the travel warnings issued by the US Department of State of where Americans because of their citizenship are in imminent danger a pattern emerges. These are regions where we are in active conflict with the governments and 90% of those governments are Muslim: Syria, Iran, Congo, Iraq, Yemen, Sudan, Somalia, to name but a few (State Department, 2007). Therefore we cannot argue for the inclusion of all religions under the term, “God” when we are actively trying to remove these religions from power though embargos and direct military conflict around the world.

Instead, it is time we awaken to a new age of enlightenment. An age of understanding, where we realize the doctrines of sheep herders who believed epileptic seizures were cause by demon possession are out-dated and ill-equipped to guide us in light of the new insight that is blossoming across the world. It is time that we carry out the guidelines and potential that the founding fathers saw in this new land: that out of many become one. It is time to erase this biased graffiti that separates the great people of our country. It is time to bring back E Pluribus Unum.

Works Cited (, ). Retrieved May 10, 2007, from
The White House. (, ). Retrieved May 10, 2007, from
United States Department of the Treasury. (, ). Retrieved May 10, 2007, from
US Department of State. (2007, May 10). Retrieved May 10, 2007, from
Speckhardt, Roy, . The Humanist. (2002, February ). Retrieved May 10, 2007, from

Friday, June 08, 2007

Here Kitty Kitty

In a surprising turn of events I have switched entirely from a dog person to a cat person.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Hard Johnson

Last night after class I attended a send off for my sister at Tailgate (She was in town for the week for Denver) In true inventor fashion I have invented a new shot...after several mixing and matching attempts failed I have found another winner.

Introducing the Hard Johnson

Shot of Bacardi Limon dropped into a low ball of Mikes Hard Lemonade...It is so good!!!

Start ordering it everywhere I want my hard Johnson to be in every hole in the wall in the country. Every time people gather to pound drinks I want them pounding my hard me swallow it and do it is that good.

The Bean Sits Alone

Sometimes coffee shops just amaze me. I go there to do my work and be around other people but I never really talk to anybdy. It is a room filled with people typing together but completly alone.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Ultimate Luxury

What is the one thing that will get you out of bed regardless of how cold it is in your room and how tired you are?

That's right that pesky urge to pee. I have solved this problem with the purchase of an antique chamber pot. I no longer have to leave the comfort and warmth of my bed to carry out my business...nor do I have to struggle with that uncomfortable catheter. Simple roll to the side of the bed and make it happen.

I am currently working on fabricating a blanket with a special opening to make this process even easier.

There is also a special trick I learned to deal with the smell too. Try placing lavender and cloves in the pot first it actually gives off a very pleasing scent.

This also works not just for mornings but for those great bouts of depression where you just want to sit and bed and you can....without soiling yourself!!

I highly recommend getting your own chamber pot.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The Origin of Feather Tickling

Sometimes I wonder if the first person who was ever tickled by a feather was this bad ass Incan warrior named Kuzkill. He was so tough that he didn't need a leopard ,when you are that tough a peacock head dress is one is going to say anything to you cause you are a bad ass. I wonder if he laughed or giggled? What it sounded like. I wonder if he killed other people who laughed at him or if he was good natured and they laughed together?

Monday, June 04, 2007

Marked Again

I am not sure how prevalent this practice is but in my community if you pay for goods with a $20 bill or higher the store keepers break out this pen that they use to check if the money is counterfeit. The slash it and then it turns color if it is fake.

I am not going to lie it is kind of a humiliating experience to have someone that flagrantly doubt your credibility in front of a line of people in your neighborhood.

So I have started to bring my own pen to the store and check the change that I get back. It is just a black pen that makes it look like everything they give me back is fake.

I have made this lady go threw all of her $1 bills telling her to give me a different one because each of the previous was fake. Then had her convinced she was going to jail for money The pen doesn't even work on $1 bills...not that my pen worked on any

Yes, this is how I amuse myself when left alone for too long.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Full Scale War

King Claudius Observed in Hamlet (Act IV, scene v) That, "When sorrows come, they come not as single spies, but in battalions." Well ain't that the fucking truth. Over a better part of the last four years legions of sorrow have toppled over every structure that I have built in my life. However times are changing, over the course of the last year I have beaten back almost every advance and I can feel victory over their destructive plague within my reach. And it feels good:) I could not have done it without some very special help for which I am grateful:)

Friday, June 01, 2007

Needful Things

Dear Bunthore,

I think you are someone I know whose contact solution is a pint low on urine.

I would be happy to aid you in resolving this matter.


Cost of Mass Stupidity

I sat down to pay bills last night (yuck I just vomited in my mouth) and I really looked at them.
Have you ever noticed all of the little fees at the bottom of each bill?

Well last night I added them up from all of my bills, water, cell phone, electric, gas, cable etc.

The grand total $38.64 which is $463.68 a year

Now if there is roughly 112 million private residences in the united states and we all have roughly the same household expenses
That is $51,932,160,000 dollars collected annually from the american population. That is over $50 Billion dollars in stupidity taxes.

Isn't that amazing?

Does anyone even know what these fees are for?

I estimate that stupidity costs the average household $1,500.00 a year and that is a conservative estimate. Onces I do a little more research I will share how I got to that number.