My throat expands to accommodate the growing mass.
I feel its coarseness as it articulates its way through the lining of my esophagus.
Poking and prodding for weakness
It is fury, lumpy, and smooth at it passes my teeth and lips at a velocity equal to the pressure I can force it out of my lungs
It hits the ground and bounces
It runs and I chase it.
I corner it and we look at each other
Nervousness mixes with adrenalin as I pick up a bat
My swing causes the lugie to
Splash the walls and coat my pants up to my knees
I need to quit smoking
This is getting ridiculous
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Quote
Just came arcoss this today and liked it
"Integrity is built by defeating the temptation to be dishonest; humility grows when we refuse to be prideful; and endurance develops everytime you reject the temptation to give up."
"Integrity is built by defeating the temptation to be dishonest; humility grows when we refuse to be prideful; and endurance develops everytime you reject the temptation to give up."
Monday, April 24, 2006
LETLAR - Alpha Chapter One
The Blog of LETLAR
After this entry the subsequent chapters of LETLAR will be posted at the site above.
This will remain my personal blog
LETLAR
Alpha
Chapter One of the Alpha Writings
The beginning
It is not necessary for us to go all the way back to the beginning.
For it is not the job of the agnostic to claim certainty where others have done so.
It is the job of the agnostic to evaluate what is the truth based on logic and reason.
It is the job of the agnostic to hold multiple ideas in their head until one
emerges as a champion. It is the job of the agnostic to know when the champion has been beaten.
We only need to go back as far as is needed for our purposes.
To the beginning of thought. The beginning of the use of reason and logic.
In the beginning was questions. Why is it raining? Why is the ground shaking?
Questions gives rise to speculation.
Speculation gives birth to dogma and our present quandary.
Speculation and ritual are not the enemy. They should be seen as the birth mother of all that the agnostic holds as ideal.
Speculation is our beginning. It is the first attempt at man to seek and explain the truth of the world around him.
It is the birth of god. Not the otherway around. We attempt to describe our world. To show cause an effect.
With limited vocabulary and understanding we came to limited conclusions. This is not the fault of those who came before us but it is there gift to us. The ability to seek out what we don't know and explain and define it with celebration.
It is a gift we can only receive by seeking to further our understanding. We disgrace those who came before us when we accept what they did.
When we define the world using their vocabulary.
We create beginnings everyday. This too is a begging it is a middle and end. It is celebration of what makes us unique. Today at this begging I
invite you to celebrate with me our thought. Your thought. Your attempt to explain the world around you. We seek to provide no answers
only a forum for this celebration.
(Anyone else have so good thoughts on the beginning?)
After this entry the subsequent chapters of LETLAR will be posted at the site above.
This will remain my personal blog
LETLAR
Alpha
Chapter One of the Alpha Writings
The beginning
It is not necessary for us to go all the way back to the beginning.
For it is not the job of the agnostic to claim certainty where others have done so.
It is the job of the agnostic to evaluate what is the truth based on logic and reason.
It is the job of the agnostic to hold multiple ideas in their head until one
emerges as a champion. It is the job of the agnostic to know when the champion has been beaten.
We only need to go back as far as is needed for our purposes.
To the beginning of thought. The beginning of the use of reason and logic.
In the beginning was questions. Why is it raining? Why is the ground shaking?
Questions gives rise to speculation.
Speculation gives birth to dogma and our present quandary.
Speculation and ritual are not the enemy. They should be seen as the birth mother of all that the agnostic holds as ideal.
Speculation is our beginning. It is the first attempt at man to seek and explain the truth of the world around him.
It is the birth of god. Not the otherway around. We attempt to describe our world. To show cause an effect.
With limited vocabulary and understanding we came to limited conclusions. This is not the fault of those who came before us but it is there gift to us. The ability to seek out what we don't know and explain and define it with celebration.
It is a gift we can only receive by seeking to further our understanding. We disgrace those who came before us when we accept what they did.
When we define the world using their vocabulary.
We create beginnings everyday. This too is a begging it is a middle and end. It is celebration of what makes us unique. Today at this begging I
invite you to celebrate with me our thought. Your thought. Your attempt to explain the world around you. We seek to provide no answers
only a forum for this celebration.
(Anyone else have so good thoughts on the beginning?)
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Introduction to LETLAR
(Before we get to the main course it is necessary to lay a foundation for the inter working platform on which we will be standing. This first document is the housecleaning items for how the process will work in form and function. As with anything that shall be set here forth, this is a discussion and open to being commented on and changed. I will be posting subsequent entries on this topic on a different blog dedicated to the subject let me know if you would like to be an author on it and I will share it)
LETLAR
(Life Exploration Through Logic and Reason)
Introduction
LETLAR is not this document. LETLAR is not the only path towards fulfillment. LETLAR is not an absolute. LETLAR is a living, changing, evolving work in progress. LETLAR is a community that is dedicated to a pursuit of the truth, even if that truth disproves LETLAR. LETLAR is a celebration of life, its mysteries, secrets and inhabitants. LETLAR is Life Exploration Through Logic and Reason. LETLAR is courage to think for yourself. LETLAR is a paradox. LETLAR is a discussion that I invite you to participate in.
LETLAR Makes some general assumptions about the world. Assumptions mind you that are not set in stone and are willing to be overturned as evidence dictates.
1.) We believe that things are knowable, even if we do not yet know them.
2.) That learning and understanding enriches the wonder of the world rather than diminishes it.
3.) The creation of the world and its complex systems is a naturally occurring event and not divinely inspired.
4.) That we are in charge and responsible for the outcome of our lives and world.
5.) That people of the world who write and post here should be respected and not attacked personally. It is however, our job to overturn and question ideas and convention albeit in a safe environment
Goals
1.) Create a living proclamation that documents the struggles of our culture as we move from a culture of superstition to a culture of reason.
2.) Show the world that there is morals and hope in being agnostic.
3.) Challenge the conventions of life that have been thrust upon us.
4.) Create an open community and framework that can share, discuss, exchange and debate ideas.
5.) Create a tax exempt alternative to existing religion that can aid in lifting shaping both the individual and communities that we inhabit
6.) Lay the foundation for a legacy that generations to come can build on.
LETLAR
Table of Contents
Alpha – The Beginning
Beta – The Philosophy of LETLAR
Gamma – Virtues and Moral Code of LETLAR
Delta – On Life Events
Epsilon – Charity for the Selfish Gene
Zeta – Holidays and Rituals of LETLAR
Eta – Warrior – The Power of Seven
Theta – Letters to the Non- Believers
Iota – Letters of Hope to the Faithful
Kappa - Open Ending
Phi – X – The Gospels of LETLAR
PSI - X - Gospels of the councils of seven
By – Laws
You mean there are rules to this shit?
I want to make a distinction here about organized vs. organized. What LETLAR is not is organized like our modern day religions. Where organized is synonymous with organized thought, practice and ritual. Where all thought is shaped to fit into single doorway deemed as the answer. Where deviation from this doorway is deemed as evil. Although we seek to establish some customs and norms these are meant merely to be flexible guidelines and means to celebrate our journey to understanding together. LETLAR is organized only to the effect that it is designed to help facilitate discussion and debate and through the use of these pages a better understanding of the world and humanity.
How it works and How You Participate
Principal of seven to the seventh Power
I have struggled with how to form groups for study and participation and have settled loosely on a pyramid type approach that I would be happy to disregard should a better suggestion come along and replace it.
There will be seven members to a cell and they will meet and discuss various topics and help each other lift each others understanding of the world and experience.
I would suggest the following
1.) A book club for the seven where they would read and dissect 6 books a year.
2.) Help mentor each other in their areas of expertise.
3.) Each member would then in turn recruit and mentor six disciples.
4.) At the end of the year each council of seven and each discipleship of seven would meet and write a gospel of their experiences over the year using the general gospel guidelines from below. These would then be added to the cannon of LETLAR.
5.) Once a year all groups of seven would get together and meet and talk, debating ideas and planning for the future.
6.) Your council ship would last a life time and your discipleship would last for seven years until the goals that you establish in your discipleship are completed.
Council of seven
The first seven members will make up the first council of seven. They will review and add to the cannon for period of one year. They will then go and cultivate and repeat the process with six disciples. A leader for each cell would be voted on and grouped together with leaders from other cells to form different councils who would compete against each other in the arena of thought. Competition is good and from it we see emersions of truth as long as we are competing with logic and reason we are moving forward.
Why are emotions in here?
Virtues of hope, righteousness, valor etc. May seem to be at odds with the concept of Living life thought logic and reason but in fact emotions are a logical biological response to events that we encounter so it is only natural that we discuss them and frame them in this context.
I would like everyone I know whether you wish to post it anonymously or by your name to help with the creation of your personal gospel and with writings to be included in the cannon
On the Writing of Gospels to Be Included in LETLAR
I would encourage everybody to write the gospel of his or her lives. The Gospel does not have to agree with any doctrine of LETLAR. It is a personal testimony of your life however, you wish to express it. Gospels are imperfect by nature as our thoughts are imperfect. This is not to say that we should not strive towards perfection. As we realize our own limitations and boundaries, we open ourselves up to expansion of our minds. Gospels will be included in Phi they will be printed and published by your name a number corresponding to phi (Greek for 500 X is the denomination for example 501)
Gospels could include
1.) A Synopsis of your life and how you came to your understanding of the world.
2.) Stories, parables, poems, advice or quotes that help illustrate what life means to you.
3.) Your effete or vision of the future.
4.) Your dream or nightmare of what the future holds.
5.) Definitions of the Following words – Logic, Reason, Belief, Faith, Humanity, Morality, and Life
On Adding Items to the Core Cannon
If you look at the table of context you will see very open ended chapters on virtues, life events, holidays etc. I would invite each of you to write on the subjects for example what does virtue mean to you? Integrity, or on life events, Education, Abortion, Labor laws etc. The only caveat is that you have to support your opinion using logic and reason.
This will emerge in greater form ad time goes on. Stay tuned for the Alpha......And please I beg of you trash this, rewrite it, adlib pats lets put our minds to use and leave a legacy to the world as great as I know we are.......
I love you,
Bizzio Von Sniffensnatch
LETLAR
(Life Exploration Through Logic and Reason)
Introduction
LETLAR is not this document. LETLAR is not the only path towards fulfillment. LETLAR is not an absolute. LETLAR is a living, changing, evolving work in progress. LETLAR is a community that is dedicated to a pursuit of the truth, even if that truth disproves LETLAR. LETLAR is a celebration of life, its mysteries, secrets and inhabitants. LETLAR is Life Exploration Through Logic and Reason. LETLAR is courage to think for yourself. LETLAR is a paradox. LETLAR is a discussion that I invite you to participate in.
LETLAR Makes some general assumptions about the world. Assumptions mind you that are not set in stone and are willing to be overturned as evidence dictates.
1.) We believe that things are knowable, even if we do not yet know them.
2.) That learning and understanding enriches the wonder of the world rather than diminishes it.
3.) The creation of the world and its complex systems is a naturally occurring event and not divinely inspired.
4.) That we are in charge and responsible for the outcome of our lives and world.
5.) That people of the world who write and post here should be respected and not attacked personally. It is however, our job to overturn and question ideas and convention albeit in a safe environment
Goals
1.) Create a living proclamation that documents the struggles of our culture as we move from a culture of superstition to a culture of reason.
2.) Show the world that there is morals and hope in being agnostic.
3.) Challenge the conventions of life that have been thrust upon us.
4.) Create an open community and framework that can share, discuss, exchange and debate ideas.
5.) Create a tax exempt alternative to existing religion that can aid in lifting shaping both the individual and communities that we inhabit
6.) Lay the foundation for a legacy that generations to come can build on.
LETLAR
Table of Contents
Alpha – The Beginning
Beta – The Philosophy of LETLAR
Gamma – Virtues and Moral Code of LETLAR
Delta – On Life Events
Epsilon – Charity for the Selfish Gene
Zeta – Holidays and Rituals of LETLAR
Eta – Warrior – The Power of Seven
Theta – Letters to the Non- Believers
Iota – Letters of Hope to the Faithful
Kappa - Open Ending
Phi – X – The Gospels of LETLAR
PSI - X - Gospels of the councils of seven
By – Laws
You mean there are rules to this shit?
I want to make a distinction here about organized vs. organized. What LETLAR is not is organized like our modern day religions. Where organized is synonymous with organized thought, practice and ritual. Where all thought is shaped to fit into single doorway deemed as the answer. Where deviation from this doorway is deemed as evil. Although we seek to establish some customs and norms these are meant merely to be flexible guidelines and means to celebrate our journey to understanding together. LETLAR is organized only to the effect that it is designed to help facilitate discussion and debate and through the use of these pages a better understanding of the world and humanity.
How it works and How You Participate
Principal of seven to the seventh Power
I have struggled with how to form groups for study and participation and have settled loosely on a pyramid type approach that I would be happy to disregard should a better suggestion come along and replace it.
There will be seven members to a cell and they will meet and discuss various topics and help each other lift each others understanding of the world and experience.
I would suggest the following
1.) A book club for the seven where they would read and dissect 6 books a year.
2.) Help mentor each other in their areas of expertise.
3.) Each member would then in turn recruit and mentor six disciples.
4.) At the end of the year each council of seven and each discipleship of seven would meet and write a gospel of their experiences over the year using the general gospel guidelines from below. These would then be added to the cannon of LETLAR.
5.) Once a year all groups of seven would get together and meet and talk, debating ideas and planning for the future.
6.) Your council ship would last a life time and your discipleship would last for seven years until the goals that you establish in your discipleship are completed.
Council of seven
The first seven members will make up the first council of seven. They will review and add to the cannon for period of one year. They will then go and cultivate and repeat the process with six disciples. A leader for each cell would be voted on and grouped together with leaders from other cells to form different councils who would compete against each other in the arena of thought. Competition is good and from it we see emersions of truth as long as we are competing with logic and reason we are moving forward.
Why are emotions in here?
Virtues of hope, righteousness, valor etc. May seem to be at odds with the concept of Living life thought logic and reason but in fact emotions are a logical biological response to events that we encounter so it is only natural that we discuss them and frame them in this context.
I would like everyone I know whether you wish to post it anonymously or by your name to help with the creation of your personal gospel and with writings to be included in the cannon
On the Writing of Gospels to Be Included in LETLAR
I would encourage everybody to write the gospel of his or her lives. The Gospel does not have to agree with any doctrine of LETLAR. It is a personal testimony of your life however, you wish to express it. Gospels are imperfect by nature as our thoughts are imperfect. This is not to say that we should not strive towards perfection. As we realize our own limitations and boundaries, we open ourselves up to expansion of our minds. Gospels will be included in Phi they will be printed and published by your name a number corresponding to phi (Greek for 500 X is the denomination for example 501)
Gospels could include
1.) A Synopsis of your life and how you came to your understanding of the world.
2.) Stories, parables, poems, advice or quotes that help illustrate what life means to you.
3.) Your effete or vision of the future.
4.) Your dream or nightmare of what the future holds.
5.) Definitions of the Following words – Logic, Reason, Belief, Faith, Humanity, Morality, and Life
On Adding Items to the Core Cannon
If you look at the table of context you will see very open ended chapters on virtues, life events, holidays etc. I would invite each of you to write on the subjects for example what does virtue mean to you? Integrity, or on life events, Education, Abortion, Labor laws etc. The only caveat is that you have to support your opinion using logic and reason.
This will emerge in greater form ad time goes on. Stay tuned for the Alpha......And please I beg of you trash this, rewrite it, adlib pats lets put our minds to use and leave a legacy to the world as great as I know we are.......
I love you,
Bizzio Von Sniffensnatch
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Today is 01-01-00 A.S (After superstition)
Today is 01-01-00 A.S (After superstition)
I am about to ignite a revolution that may or may not claim my life. A new dawn is upon us and time for a new song to be sung. I would invite all of you to participate. This will not be the first time I have been called a heretic, blasphemer, or demonic hedonist. Einstein said "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
What I am offering is the chance to participate in the creation of a new mind frame for the future a new ritual that will be the legacy of generations to come.
You may think I have lost my mind. That statement may be true. I have begun work on the creation of the Knights of Letlar.
The Knights of Letlar is a sect of warriors of the mind. It is a moral code of conduct for the future free of superstitious dogma. It is a foundation of believes for the non-believers. It is my gospel and legacy I offer to you. It is a forum for you to share your gospel with me. It is a discussion that will be heard all over the planet.
Letlar is a balanced hedonistic practice that stands for Life exploration through logic and reason....and it started today.
Are you ready?
I am about to ignite a revolution that may or may not claim my life. A new dawn is upon us and time for a new song to be sung. I would invite all of you to participate. This will not be the first time I have been called a heretic, blasphemer, or demonic hedonist. Einstein said "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
What I am offering is the chance to participate in the creation of a new mind frame for the future a new ritual that will be the legacy of generations to come.
You may think I have lost my mind. That statement may be true. I have begun work on the creation of the Knights of Letlar.
The Knights of Letlar is a sect of warriors of the mind. It is a moral code of conduct for the future free of superstitious dogma. It is a foundation of believes for the non-believers. It is my gospel and legacy I offer to you. It is a forum for you to share your gospel with me. It is a discussion that will be heard all over the planet.
Letlar is a balanced hedonistic practice that stands for Life exploration through logic and reason....and it started today.
Are you ready?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Walk it Off......
Why cant I walk it off
Shake it off
I am closer to the edge then you will ever know.
I am winded and my race has so far to go
I stop
I want to quit
Give in
I look for the strength to finish and find a black hole
I find caches of issues I have not dealt with
Hidden Like weapons in a video game
Weapons I use to undo my self
I am wrapped in excuses
I step off the path
I sit still
I can feel the weight of a thousand sleepless nights in my core
Eyes swollen with tears not yet cried
Thousand unanswered dreams
I am the reason
Missed opportunities
I understand string theory
In dimensions of sadness
Underdeveloped limbs burdened with guilt
Seek strength in crystal glasses filled with ice cubes
Relief is evasive
I spill
I roll in my mess
It is all I know how to do
Words leak from me like I ate rotten chicken the night before
Thought is slower
A balloon that deflates over time
Like will to try something new
The world comes alive with sun
I sink deeper into the darkness of my own creation
A cycle of self destruction
Energy to continue depletes faster than I know how to manufacture it
Suicide is a dog chasing its tail coming to the conclusion that it can't be caught and stopping
Shake it off
I am closer to the edge then you will ever know.
I am winded and my race has so far to go
I stop
I want to quit
Give in
I look for the strength to finish and find a black hole
I find caches of issues I have not dealt with
Hidden Like weapons in a video game
Weapons I use to undo my self
I am wrapped in excuses
I step off the path
I sit still
I can feel the weight of a thousand sleepless nights in my core
Eyes swollen with tears not yet cried
Thousand unanswered dreams
I am the reason
Missed opportunities
I understand string theory
In dimensions of sadness
Underdeveloped limbs burdened with guilt
Seek strength in crystal glasses filled with ice cubes
Relief is evasive
I spill
I roll in my mess
It is all I know how to do
Words leak from me like I ate rotten chicken the night before
Thought is slower
A balloon that deflates over time
Like will to try something new
The world comes alive with sun
I sink deeper into the darkness of my own creation
A cycle of self destruction
Energy to continue depletes faster than I know how to manufacture it
Suicide is a dog chasing its tail coming to the conclusion that it can't be caught and stopping
Monday, April 17, 2006
Welcome to the otherside of Hell Mr. Johnson
I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 30 days. It is however finally coming to an end, well at least the part that is within my control. Stress has given birth to a new me some how older and more mature. I will be getting back to all that I have been negating including making the rounds for rounds.
PS why do I have such a hard time asking people for help? Is it really just a stupid stubborn pride thing?
PS why do I have such a hard time asking people for help? Is it really just a stupid stubborn pride thing?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
This is the end of the innocence?
Ever watched children play? Their fearlessness, curiosity and joy are overwhelming. Should we go back to being a child? Or do we have an even greater gift? Is the innocence of children really just ignorance? You are fearless as a child because you have never really been hurt. But isn't it empowering when we as adults aware of the consequences can make a decision to take a risk fully aware of the possible outcomes and aware of actually what we are risking.
Monday, April 10, 2006
The Problem With Hell
"Are you saved?"
"From What?"
"Eternal Damnation!"
Does anyone else have a problem with the concept of being damned to eternity for a mere lifetime of sin? I mean even if I am the meanest atheist on the planet for my entire life....isn't eternity a bit harsh from a god that is supposedly merciful and just? Do those concepts reconcile? I say if I am supposed to forgive trespasses then god should be a bigger deity and cut me a little slack. Truthfully I think the concept of hell is nothing more than a control that was introduced into the system of religion in order to control people through the use of fear but that is just me. If hell really does exist then I say god is a prick and it would be virtuous for us to rebel against his controlling influence and go our separate ways...who does this deity think he is?
If there is no hell then there is nothing to be saved from and if god is just then there is no hell....
"From What?"
"Eternal Damnation!"
Does anyone else have a problem with the concept of being damned to eternity for a mere lifetime of sin? I mean even if I am the meanest atheist on the planet for my entire life....isn't eternity a bit harsh from a god that is supposedly merciful and just? Do those concepts reconcile? I say if I am supposed to forgive trespasses then god should be a bigger deity and cut me a little slack. Truthfully I think the concept of hell is nothing more than a control that was introduced into the system of religion in order to control people through the use of fear but that is just me. If hell really does exist then I say god is a prick and it would be virtuous for us to rebel against his controlling influence and go our separate ways...who does this deity think he is?
If there is no hell then there is nothing to be saved from and if god is just then there is no hell....
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Joy Is A Capsized Ship - Part 3
To say I woke up is not right
It is closer to the truth that I came too
I am naked on a beach
In a port of my mind
Bleeding and blistered hands
Crack open and run with blood
Everytime a fist is made
Showers have been missed
My aroma is not pleasant
But I finally feel clean
I build this ship for me
This is a hull of actions
Seams of words
I didn't create the words
They have always been there
This is just my combination of them
Sentences spoken
Sentences written
Some order to the chaos of me
Made of letters and sounds
I write these words in my log books
Straight lines
Each one written untangles a snarl in my heart
Frees me from the burden of nots
I let go
I release you
I forgive you
I beg you for your forgiveness
No more wading
No more raft
No more treading water
I look for big waves
They expose the flaws in my design
I learn
I repair, patch, build
I still leak
I still rot
But less
I still see a distorted view in the mirror
Like looking into a muddy puddle swirled with rainbows of oil
A breeding ground of virus, bacteria and mosquito's
A picture of me
But this is closer to the truth
Then I have ever known before
Joy is lessons from a capsized ship learned
I pack differently now
No debris
captains log star date 482006
I don't know where this path leads
But I am going at full sail
Fear will not stop this vessel
Bring it bitch
These are not my words
But as I arrange their order
I take ownership of them
They become mine
These are now my words
Painting my inside for you to see......
My Name is Brian Johnson and in so many words this is my life....
It is closer to the truth that I came too
I am naked on a beach
In a port of my mind
Bleeding and blistered hands
Crack open and run with blood
Everytime a fist is made
Showers have been missed
My aroma is not pleasant
But I finally feel clean
I build this ship for me
This is a hull of actions
Seams of words
I didn't create the words
They have always been there
This is just my combination of them
Sentences spoken
Sentences written
Some order to the chaos of me
Made of letters and sounds
I write these words in my log books
Straight lines
Each one written untangles a snarl in my heart
Frees me from the burden of nots
I let go
I release you
I forgive you
I beg you for your forgiveness
No more wading
No more raft
No more treading water
I look for big waves
They expose the flaws in my design
I learn
I repair, patch, build
I still leak
I still rot
But less
I still see a distorted view in the mirror
Like looking into a muddy puddle swirled with rainbows of oil
A breeding ground of virus, bacteria and mosquito's
A picture of me
But this is closer to the truth
Then I have ever known before
Joy is lessons from a capsized ship learned
I pack differently now
No debris
captains log star date 482006
I don't know where this path leads
But I am going at full sail
Fear will not stop this vessel
Bring it bitch
These are not my words
But as I arrange their order
I take ownership of them
They become mine
These are now my words
Painting my inside for you to see......
My Name is Brian Johnson and in so many words this is my life....
Friday, April 07, 2006
Joy Is A Capsized Ship - Part 2
A corner is turned
A right angle
Compass points north
Conversations spark new ways of thinking
They illuminate how rotten my hull is
On the horizon is a new view
I would say I walked a plank
But that is too simple
I wasn't spurred to a plunge into the abyss by threats
But by promises
Fantasy
I went willingly
Naively
I step off the end
Into an illusion of what life is supposed to look like
A siren charms my snake
I forget more than just my name
I spoke with my heart drained of meaning and blood
Blood that was pooled elsewhere
I am lust
I am greed
I am building a ship
Not for me
But for a show and tell
I am doing well
Just do not look too closely
I am insecure
I am frail
I am a movie set of perfection
My cardboard back turned towards
All that I loved
Paint only makes things look new
I left without even waving
My vows mean nothing
Because I am nothing
I walk across the water so filled with sharks you would swear the ocean was paved
I feel pain
I am being devoured by carnivores on the inside
I try to come up for air
The surface is frozen
My screams echo off from under the ice
The sun mocks me from the other side
Water fills my lungs
I am scared
I am hurting
I am alone
Forgotten words, faces, touches
It took me 15 years to be able to tell another human being that I hurt
Now no one is left to hear me
Everything I thought was important is frozen in the ice on the surface
I am dying
As I sink into the darkness
I see my imprint in the ice
Hollow man
Form with out substance
I close my eyes
And see clearer than I have ever seen before
Today is the day I cried in public again
A right angle
Compass points north
Conversations spark new ways of thinking
They illuminate how rotten my hull is
On the horizon is a new view
I would say I walked a plank
But that is too simple
I wasn't spurred to a plunge into the abyss by threats
But by promises
Fantasy
I went willingly
Naively
I step off the end
Into an illusion of what life is supposed to look like
A siren charms my snake
I forget more than just my name
I spoke with my heart drained of meaning and blood
Blood that was pooled elsewhere
I am lust
I am greed
I am building a ship
Not for me
But for a show and tell
I am doing well
Just do not look too closely
I am insecure
I am frail
I am a movie set of perfection
My cardboard back turned towards
All that I loved
Paint only makes things look new
I left without even waving
My vows mean nothing
Because I am nothing
I walk across the water so filled with sharks you would swear the ocean was paved
I feel pain
I am being devoured by carnivores on the inside
I try to come up for air
The surface is frozen
My screams echo off from under the ice
The sun mocks me from the other side
Water fills my lungs
I am scared
I am hurting
I am alone
Forgotten words, faces, touches
It took me 15 years to be able to tell another human being that I hurt
Now no one is left to hear me
Everything I thought was important is frozen in the ice on the surface
I am dying
As I sink into the darkness
I see my imprint in the ice
Hollow man
Form with out substance
I close my eyes
And see clearer than I have ever seen before
Today is the day I cried in public again
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Joy Is A Capsized Ship - Part 1
Joy is a capsized ship sinking
I cling to the debris that floats
On the surface
Or at least I used to
This time I swim away
Clothes on my back
Freedom from all the cargo I have stowed
The first time my ship sank was
March 23 1988
A telephone call torpedoed my hull
Taking out my knees and causing me to fall to the floor
Water poured in so loudly
It drowned out my mothers words,
“You dad is dead”
I was 10 years old when I began to build this wall
A wall that cannot be seen from space
But is no less impressive
Suffocated the pain
Isolation
Motion
Ingestion
Digestion
You can only tread water so long before your body gives out
My mind surrendered first
I switched on autopilot
I touched his face at the wake
It was cold, rubbery from the cement used to reconstruct him
To present him for my viewing displeasure
I cried
It would be the last time I would do so in public
I would hide it for many years
Behind walls made of bricks of deception, lies and silence
Walls so deep and layered
I became a city in a city in a city
I am lost walking my own streets
I built an island in a sea of change
I am stagnate
I am a prerecorded message
I am a prepared statement for the record
This was never live
Rafts are not the same as boats
They are easy to make and abandon
They are adrift in the sea
At the will of the currents and undertow
I built rafts for many years
I loved the undertow
I mistook its movement for progress
Drowned me
Inhale water
Exhale wasted potential
This time it was different though
Something changed
I cling to the debris that floats
On the surface
Or at least I used to
This time I swim away
Clothes on my back
Freedom from all the cargo I have stowed
The first time my ship sank was
March 23 1988
A telephone call torpedoed my hull
Taking out my knees and causing me to fall to the floor
Water poured in so loudly
It drowned out my mothers words,
“You dad is dead”
I was 10 years old when I began to build this wall
A wall that cannot be seen from space
But is no less impressive
Suffocated the pain
Isolation
Motion
Ingestion
Digestion
You can only tread water so long before your body gives out
My mind surrendered first
I switched on autopilot
I touched his face at the wake
It was cold, rubbery from the cement used to reconstruct him
To present him for my viewing displeasure
I cried
It would be the last time I would do so in public
I would hide it for many years
Behind walls made of bricks of deception, lies and silence
Walls so deep and layered
I became a city in a city in a city
I am lost walking my own streets
I built an island in a sea of change
I am stagnate
I am a prerecorded message
I am a prepared statement for the record
This was never live
Rafts are not the same as boats
They are easy to make and abandon
They are adrift in the sea
At the will of the currents and undertow
I built rafts for many years
I loved the undertow
I mistook its movement for progress
Drowned me
Inhale water
Exhale wasted potential
This time it was different though
Something changed
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Happily Never After?
Isn't it bizarre that one of the first acts that ritually consummates a marriage is the cutting of the cake? An act of separation used to signify unity. I know if I would have spent more than 30 seconds googling this I most likely would have found the answer to why we do this and it can replace the significance’s in my head of this is the first act of splitting all of your stuff 50/50.
Should I ever find myself in the position I think I am going to re-write this one so that you have two pieces of cake and you squirt frosting in the middle and stick them together. If you are big on imagery, you can imagine the squirting of frosting as a blessing of fertility.
That is all....
Bizzio O'Bittensnatch
(Had to bite Face)
Should I ever find myself in the position I think I am going to re-write this one so that you have two pieces of cake and you squirt frosting in the middle and stick them together. If you are big on imagery, you can imagine the squirting of frosting as a blessing of fertility.
That is all....
Bizzio O'Bittensnatch
(Had to bite Face)
Monday, April 03, 2006
Warning Label
Smoking decreases gas mileage by adding addtional drag on your car as you drive with the windows down.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
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