Wednesday, May 13, 2009

First Fracture

The first fracture in my family started right after my dad died. It had the effect of dividing my family in two, my mom's side and my dad's side. As time went on I saw less and less of my dad's family it was just awkward and hard coupled by the fact that they lived so far away. When I did see my grandma who in hindsight was probably having the beginning stages of dementia, she would call me my dads name and start going kind of nuts on me. At eleven years old I never really knew how to handle it so I just stayed away and the fracture grew, like icebergs drifting apart across the ocean, until we were just strangers in a room together categorized by something called family that is supposed to have some magical mythical bond that I just don't feel.

It was the beginning of a crack across the windshield of my kin that would eventually shatter the whole thing. It was a stress test that failed.

I have come to think in the years that have come since then that it failed because there was no underlying bond or support rather then it caused the tear in the family fabric.

If blood is supposed to be thicker then water why do I feel so indifferent towards their existence?

Why do I feel more love and emotional acceptance and comfort from my friends and their families then from my own?

7 comments:

Mags said...

Yup...I can identify with your last sentence. Sometimes I sit around my family and feel so lonely, even though there are lots of people around. Sad, isn't it?

Rocketstar said...

If blood is supposed to be thicker then water why do I feel so indifferent towards their existence?
--- I think the bonds that we form with other humans are thicker than blood. Blood is pretty much water. ;o)

Superwoman said...

There was a story that came out a day or two ago about two women in a remote Oregon town who were separated at birth and raised by families not biologically their own. Both were well-adjusted and happy with the way they were raised. It really made me think about how much of "family" is related to biology and how much of it is the bonds you form with people.

I'm thinking it's more the latter.

Sornie said...

My family is much the same. My dad's side is very spread out and far from close. Factor in that I am an only child and it's easy to be closer to friends and their families than your own extended family.

Ma said...

they say blood is thicker than water, but it's a big fat lie
real family is not just blood, it's being there for people, lovingly supporting them, and often times going to the bar together quite frequently.... hence friendship often trumps "family" by far

Emily said...

My family is the same too. I've tried over the years, but I can't help but have indifference towards most of my family. You can't pick your family; sometimes you're dealt a bad hand. Or not even bad - just...not similar to yourself? Nothing in common? Anywho, I can relate.

Bill From Gainesville said...

I can totally relate - My issue was with my mom, she might have been considered what you would call a splash screen person. Towards the end I just tried to accept her and love her anyways despite all the issues I had with her, when she died it was still sad. Your parents, whether they suck or are awesome, are still the only parents you get....