Friday, October 31, 2008

20 Years Ago...

I was ten years old the first I was in a court room. I remember looking up at my mom from the stands. She was crying so hard I couldn't tell what she was saying. Just angry tears filling the desolate silence of a room filled with strangers. I can remember trying to contort my long lanky frame into a little ball. Trying to make myself invisible through the masterful art of evasive slouching. I had my church shoes on. I don't remember any feeling of sympathy, any longing to comfort her. I just remember the embarrassment, my cheeks red and heavy with shame. I remember the relief I felt when she stepped down.

I remember when you took the stand. I remember my uncle's big hand grabbing mine and telling me to stand up. I didn't want too. I didn't understand. He wanted you to see me. To see my sister. To have our image emblazoned into your nightmares. The way yours was emblazoned into ours. You never looked at me. You never looked up. No one did. Not you. Not the judge. Not the courtroom filled with our families publication of grief. I have never felt more invisible then standing in that court room waiting for you to apologize to me, for killing my dad.

You might read this and think it is a sad story, but I no longer see it in those terms. It is a mark of time, a passage of growth. It is the A.D to my B.C. It is the birth of my self-awareness, my appreciation of life, my sense of justice, my distintion between dreams and nightmares, my feeling of self-preservation, my search for understanding...

It is not tragic. It just is.

13 comments:

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Whoa, Brian. I don't know what to say. Sorry seems trite.

Ma said...

"It just is."
so true of a great many things in life... for some people anyways

Thanks for sharing :)

Hope you have a great Halloween Biggity - I'll be thinking back to puking up jello shots on your front lawn if I decide to drink anything later on, and hopefly that embarrassing moment will keep me in check.

Ma said...

"It just is."
so true of a great many things in life... for some people anyways

Thanks for sharing :)

Hope you have a great Halloween Biggity - I'll be thinking back to puking up jello shots on your front lawn if I decide to drink anything later on, and hopefly that embarrassing moment will keep me in check.

Travis Erwin said...

Well written post. I can't fathom what that must have been like but your words gave me a taste.

Mags said...

<3 you.

Thomas said...

Man, that's a doozy, Brian. I wouldn't mind seeing similar disclosures from you in the future (though I also love your humorous posts).

Have an excellent weekend!

Helen said...

Brian...read your posts daily..WOW..blew me away. Take care of yourself. Have a good weekend...Curious what you will have time to read this weekend.

Helen

Reggie said...

I'm stunned. It is hard for me to keep in mind that everyone has inner demons.

Thanks for sharing.

Sarah said...

i don't want to be naive or disbelieving here, but is this true or a sample of your writings?

Cheri said...

Incredible.

Brian in Mpls said...

No this one is true...my real life is probably a lot stranger and darker then any fiction I could ever write

SS+1 said...

I think it's amazing to hear the perspective of someone closely affected by something so horrible. I don't know if I would have the strength to label this life altering event as "it just is." Thanks for sharing.

Robin said...

Don't even know what to write. I am totally caught off guard. Props for the courage to put this out there. Lots of hugs :-)