Friday, February 29, 2008

Let My People Go

One of the first demands we made upon Raul Castro as he stepped in to fill his brothers shoes as President of Cuba was that he immediately release all political prisoners.

Wouldn't it be nice if we did the same here?

We hit an ominous record in the the supposed Free-est place on earth this month. There are now 1 in 100 adults behind bars in this country. The highest in the world.

The majority of those incarcerated are political prisoners from our internal war on drugs. We are spending billions of dollars and destroying countless lives to lock up pot heads.

It is time to admit that our policy on drugs in America has failed.

If you really believe in Freedom and Democracy..

Let my people go.....

Barianas Trench

Luck has nothing to do with it

The barrel feels coarser in my mouth,
Than it looks.
My tongue instinctively goes into the hole,
As if it could stop the 12 gauge slug from tearing off the back of my head.
Stopping my clock.
Thoughts sprayed across the walls of this unfinished garage.
My last fuck you,
As if I haven’t issued enough .

I feel like a bird nested in this pile of papers.
My mini mountain of misery.
Thank god the mail keeps coming.
Thought I would catch a break after the phone was shut off,
After she left,
But they can still send letters.
Most of them are not even open.
As if the balances,
Condolence cards,
Don’t exist,
If I can’t see them.

I can smell the vodka,
In the sweat that is dripping down my face.
I like how it feels when the droplets pool on my chin.
Hanging there for just a second before they fall to the ground.
I am in my own little pool of filth.
Mess that I created.
That I am too weak to clean up myself.

It is all in the letters,
Sitting in the mail box,
With its little red flag in the air,
Waiting to tell you I am sorry,
That I hate you,
That you ruined my life,
That I am a coward,
That I should have never been.

*Poem and Picture From Gagging on the Wishes*
By Brian Johnson All Rights Reserved

*Hard to believe I was in this frame of mind three years ago, for those of you who wondered about the title it is a a play on Marianas Trench, which is the lowest known point on the planet. It is also a play on all of the letters in my name in a feminine form indicating a lost of control and de-masculination, a lot of people emailed me when they got the book trying to point it out as a typo*

Thursday, February 28, 2008

It's Not for the Gas Mileage

There are days I want to buy this car just so I can pull it deep into a parking space where other drivers cant see and have them get there hopes up and then try to turn in and say, "Oh Shit I hate little cars." I think that would complete my life...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Greeting Cards Are Emotional Mortgages

I wonder when exactly it all started. Some one turned to their friend, family, lover and stated Happy Birthday, I Love You, Congratulations. That person then turned to them and said can I get that in writing.

I can understand the card in the old days when you had to communicate though the mail. Your expressions and thoughts had to be reduced to ink to make it to your destination. Today though we have the ability to call someone and personally talk to them. We can web cam with them and see them across great distances. We can get in our cars and drive to see them, personally touch them and give them our best wishes.

Yet, people will complain that we have lost the skill of impersonal letter writing. It leaves me a little confused. All of this technology brings people closer together and we still base our lowest common denominator on how much we care at the level of a card.

Don't call...write. I want it on paper a legal contract of feelings.

People can have closer to the real thing yet they prefer the distance of a card. I suspect somewhere deep it is because we really don't like each other.

To me a card says, "I like you but not enough to get you anything useful."

It is a measuring stick people use to judge who likes them, "He didn't even get me a card" I like this because it implies that you didn't like them enough to go out of your way for them before you went out of your way to spend actual time with them.

People fill drawers with cards used a black mail, remember when you said this? As if you can't change as if the card is mortgage of demanded feelings able to be cashed sometime in the future.

PS. If you think people like the card because of the personal shit you write on it. Write down all of your feeling on a five dollar bill. Ask them a week later if you can see the bill......$10.00 says they spent that shit already. Your private feelings of the deepest part of you traded at a gas station for a candy bar and a soda.

You don't need a card you got me:)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Not on My Deathbed

"On their death bed no one ever says I wish I would have worked more."

I find this hard to believe and a little bit sad. I hope there are people left for whom the opposite of this is true. On their death bed they utter if I only had more time I could have cured cancer. If I only had more time I could have patented, started a company, built great things. I hope that there are reservoirs of potential and dreams of greatness with us still...even in our final hour.

If the answer is no then our ability to achieve is limited and can be exhausted and we have nothing to fear from death as it is already with us.

I would hope that the opposite of that quote is the truth that peoples brushes with death would lead them to see that time is finite and we should build, produce, dream and create that which will out live us.

Right now although I am not on my death bed. I wish I would have been more diligent in the past. This is my inspiration to work even harder in the future.

I refuse to believe that my imagination and ability to contribute can ever be exstinguished or that if I enslaved and surpressed my ability for the sake of others I would be more joyful.

Which is what that quote is asking me to believe.

This statement has an undercurrent that work is bad and play is good. Uttered usually by the same people who say play is now you are really stuck. Work is bad and play is sin so have a seat on the couch turn on the TV and wait for your turn on the deathbed.

I on the other hand have work to do...

Monday, February 25, 2008

God Bless You Part II

An ingenious adaptation that virus's have developed is the ability to make you sneeze. Pushing themselves into the air where they can possibly inhabit and infect the new hosts around you. You are the metro transit for illness. It uses you as its free ride from one person to the next.

What do we say to the people who bring this sickness into our vicinity?

God Bless You.

People actually want praise dished out to the highest power their imaginations can conjure for a person who brings the likely hood of sickness and death into their vicinity...

It just creeps me out.

I was actually asked why I am so rude for not blessing someone when they sneezed.

It is because..

1.) I don't believe....
2.) I don't think you deserve praise of any kind for bringing sickness into my company. You should actually be apologizing to me..

I am going to start being really rude going forward.

Next sneeze......"Excuse You" or "Your God, Damn You for being such a selfish prick and bringing your infested ass into my presence"

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Any Pharmacists Read This?

Or Doctors with flexible ethical standards?

I can use some help on a few things...

1.) I am looking for a few prescriptions.

2.) I am looking for a good answer to how prescription drugs get their names. What the naming conventions are etc. I have googled it but come up with some conflicting information.

If you can help let me know...

Friday, February 22, 2008

Back Up Plan - Prison Tattoo Artist

Just in case my life doesn't work out the way I planned I have been working on a plan b.

Step one learn how to assemble a tattoo gun with items that can be smuggled into prison in my rectum....check.

Advice For People In Debt - Erica Barton

Advise like this was really helpful to me in my hey day of stress maybe you will find it useful too...PS. Check Erica Barton out below by clicking on her name she has some great articles on personal finance.

How to Bully a Debt Collector

by Erica T. Barton, Jan 31,

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Guest Services for Your Next Party (Part 3 of 3)

Why I Don't Get Invited to Parties Reason #254125

Find some good fetish pictures on the internet. Like someone eating poop or something. Print them out and take a Polaroid picture of the poop eating or whatever you can find. Get a about 10 or 15 of them. Then print a personal message to the host on the bottom. Be sure to include something like Thanks (Insert Hosts Name Here) for the good time last Friday I hope we can do this again. Love, Dom or Sub depending on your point of view. (With 5 minutes in Photoshop you can make it look like this was done in the hosts house for an added touch of realism) Place the personalized Polaroid pictures inside of some of the books on the hosts coffee table. When the room is full suggest that that book be picked up and looked at....the pictures fall every where, and the look of horror on the hosts face is

I am an evil fuck

You can also place these pic the medicine cabinet while you are checking for what pills you can steal from them. This is almost better since lots of nosey people look in the medicine cabinet, just the kind of nosey people who will spread gossip behind the host back. Take the picture back at the end of the night and your hosts won't even know the perversion everyone is talking about behind their backs.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Guest Services for Your Next Party (Part 2 of 3)

Why I Don't Get Invited to Parties Reason #254124

Here is something else you can do for your own amusemeant. When ever you go to a party carry a few headshots in your wallet. If your hosts have pictures on their fridge add yourself to the fridge. Or even bring your own magnet frame that you pre-purchased from the dollar store. Leave your pictures all over their place. People think you are really tight with the It is great I have seen my pictures still up at a house I have not been too in over a year. People do not pay any attention to their surroundings it is hilarious.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Guest Services for Your Next Party (Part 1 of 3)

Alternative Title - Why I Don't Get Invited to Parties Reason #254123

Here is a little something you can do the next time you are invited to a party to liven things up. (This works really well if the host lives in a condo where the bathroom is in close proximity to where the party is taking place.) Go into the hosts bathroom and take a really long shower, use their hair dryer, shout for them to get you a towel, and ask where they keep their shaving gel. This gets funnier and funnier the more formal the party and stuffy the The best is when you are on a second date and you don't know the hosts of where your date has brought you and you decide you must have been really drunk on your first date to agree to a second one.

Monday, February 18, 2008

La Crosse - Saturday In Review

How come no one told me that the town that used to hold the record for the most bars per capita was only a two hour drive from my house? Fuck lets go...

Bar Hopping in La Crosse.Third Street was were it was at , that is if you are a 19 year old college kid from a farm who just joined a sorority. That aside I had a lot of fun drinking these kids under the table.

We tested the waters at the following establishments last Saturday Night

Started with Dinner @ Tequila and of course Tequila

Then down to

The Library
Cheap shots

It was fun but I had a little bit of Bizzaro world going on...I def. like the Library by the U of M better and Brothers in down town Minneapolis while not a spot I frequent is ...well better I guess.

I would like to go back in the Summer though and check it out again. I am told that I missed Del's who has the best bloody mary in the world. Next time I would like to also retrace the steps of the people who end up in the river ...

A Word on Sexual Liberation

Sexual liberation is not your ability to shag a complete stranger.

It is not the ability to have multiple partners at the same time.

It is not the knowing of what a carrot, bowling pin, insert any object here, feels like inside your body.

It is not that escapade in the dressing room, your car, your office.

It has nothing to do with candle wax, blind folds, hand cuff or car batteries.

The experience that we grin to ourselves about in private or in the recess of our minds has nothing to do with liberation.

Liberation comes when we accept, seek and fulfill pleasure without the feeling of guilt.

When we are comfortable enough to own ourselves and our desires, what ever they may be, without shame or a moments thought of anyone else....

Only then can you speak of being sexually liberated.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Homer Simpson Moment #25,415,215,236,541

I was sitting around wondering if word verification was unfair for dyslexic people some kind of handicap that websites enforces on this segment of the population. I hate using word verification so maybe I can champion a cause to have it removed on behalf of this noble proclamation.

So I picked up the phone oblivious to the fact that it was 3:15AM and called a friend I know who is dyslexic and asked him how he felt about it.

Friend: You fucking woke me up for this? Brian it looks just as fucked up to me as it does to you. Except I see it differently.. Good night. CLICK


I am such an idiot sometimes.. lol Why would it be different for someone with dyslexia?

Friday, February 15, 2008


When you have a bottle of everclear and you mix a cap full of it with a gallon of kool-aid you are commiting a crime against the everclear. It is like buying a muscle car and having it pulled by a team of horses.

I think people do this because they don't properly match their drinking to the occasion. In the above example they are doing it for show. They want to get drunk but not right away. They are tip-toeing into the shallow end of drunkeness. If this is your goal just drink beer or wine. I can respect that. If you are drinking everclear just drink the cap full.

PS Keep the mixers out of the good booze, you people kill me. It is like getting a $1000.00 an hour prostitute and having sex missionary with the lights out in the dark. A good liquor is meant to be enjoyed for its own sake. For the flavor it has. Good Vodka should be straight up or the most a Martini. Leave the OJ, Coke, Sprike, RedBull to the rails where it might be needed.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

A Man to Take Care of Me

A while back I was listening to a couple of ladies complain for close to 15 hours about how they deserve to be taken care of, romanced, loved, pampered etc. because they have earned it and deserve it. (It really felt like 15 hours)

I came home. Tired, worn-out, broke and a little sad.

I sat down next to a pile of bills, next to a list of household chores and projects in a dirty room looking out over a walk way that needs some shoveling and ice scrapping. I said to myself I need a man(woman in my case) to take care of me too.

Then it kind of hit me. When I do all of these things on my list without bitching and moaning I will become the person I think I need. I will be my own man.

I started to work. Even though it was hard work I no longer felt tired or worn-out. I felt the energy of action. The power of myself changing the environment around me. Changing my odds at recovery by taking my destiny in my own hands.

I wrote two quotes down that I have been looking at everyday since then.

"The only thing that over comes hard luck is hard work"


"Two hands working accomplish more then a million clasped in prayer"

I am action, I am becoming the person I need in my life.

And there are no words for how good it feels :)

This is a Valentines post to myself

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


I was recently watching a football recap special breaking down all of the stats for the year. (Must have been a really slow night)

One of the stats was YAC said just like the animal or the variation on puking. It stands for Yards After Catch. This is the amount of extra yards a reciever gets after they get the ball. FYI - The packers held the record last year.

For some reason this lead me to start to wonder my stats are?

The first one I came up with was MAA or Minutes After Alarm. This is the amount of time I hit snooze and stay in bed before actually waking up. Now I have never actually played against anyone else, and maybe some areana will open itself up and we can port in cots and have a sleep off, but until that day I will name myself the MVP of MAA with an average time of 1.25 hours per day and a career high of approx 12 hours.

There are those amoung us who would like you to believe that the longer you stay in bed the worse you are and that a high MAA is a bad thing...but those people are generally not as fun to party with so I would recommed ignoring them.

What is a stat you would like to create?

Whats your MAA?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tradition is an Insult to the Dead?

Death has a way of forever haunting the traditions of the past.
I think it is one of the reasons I always change-up traditions every year.
To honor the people that have gone by recognizing that the future is changed without them.
To honor the memory of them by recognizing the imprint of them.
That that event is different now without them.
To keep the same traditions after someone you love has died seems to dishonor them like we could always go on without you like you were never here....

Monday, February 11, 2008

Green vs.. Greed Revisited

Hangover thought from Thursdays Post...

Something about this thought has left me unsettled and about 3:30 AM last night I began to work it out.

The card is proof we are selfish. We would not help the business proprietor reach his dream at any cost to us. Which doing something for someone else of no benefit to you is the definition of being altruistic. The truly selfless and righteous act in this situation is to turn the lights off to help the business man get rich.

Yet we will not act until there is something in it for us....such as the good feeling we get from the illusion of helping the environment. Or the by products of a cleaner world.

Our care for the world to be clean for our future pleasure and existence is our greed. It is our selfishness.

Selfishness is our virtue it is not something to be demonized.

Cups Explained

Question From Saturdays Post

This may revolt a large portion of the population for that I do not apologize. Since I have quit smoking I have become fascinated with my new found sense of smell. I have placed the cups in my bathroom to pee in and to be able to smell my urine. I have been doing systematic experiments on various foods and folk lore to determine for myself what it smells like. So far I have tested Coffee, Wine, Pineapple Juice, Kool-Aid, Multi Vitamins, Asparagus, LeAnn Chins, and Red Bull. I have noticed a difference in smell in over half the test population. I will be compiling the full results shortly.

Don't worry the cups are not used they are promptly tossed into a hazardous waste receptacle I stole from the gas station.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Drum Roll.....

"Still Life" - Pictures from the Life of Brian in Minneapolis

This is my new artwork. It is a picture by Mark Hammerstien that the love of my life bought for me at an art auction. I think even more then the picture I love the title, "Still Life" The play on words of this picture in which a drawing dummy is being hug on a window pane with growth taking place outside is like a riddle to me. It is like standing in a hall with mirors on each side and looking at your reflection repeated to infinity. Looking at this picture gives me that feeling. Like meaning is repeated on in scales for infinity. I don;t know really how to explain it. It is clever, morbid, inspirational, depressing and well constructed, it also has the right effect at making people cring and laugh and a tad bit uncomfortable...Everything to me a great pice of Art should be.

I am bringing sexy back....

Itialian Fries ..

I scratched the picture of me with the chipped tooth. The one I took you couldn't really tell it was chipped and I have already gotten it fixed so here is a bonus shot...

Can you guess what these cups are for? Hint: It has something to do with my return of scent after not smoking...

Friday, February 08, 2008

Confession #543328 - Click

I can not watch Click without crying. Adam Sandler makes me cry in the last scene every time....

Damn that movie.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Green as Greed

My hotel room is equipped with a card telling me proudly how they are going green. The are using less water by only washing my linen every other day and would appreciate it if I respected the environment by shutting off all of the lights before I leave.

Do you think for one instance this hotel cares about the environment?

They care about profit. Less wash means cost savings, Less electricity used means cost savings.

The environment being saved is a credit to the greed of the hotel.

Greed is saving Bambi..

We would not shut the lights if the card on the table said we are greedy and we are going to maximize profit. Help us do that by shutting off the lights...

Marketing is a beautiful thing. I spin a false motive into consumer action. A type of lie that creates a win-win situation. And you never even have been morally had.

I would rather shut off the lights if it said we are trying to make a profit. At least that I can respect.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Pictures I will Post Sat.:)

A.) Leg Warmers
B.) My New Chipped Tooth From Last Night!!!
C.) My New Art Work I Have Purchased for My Collection...

See you Sat. or I mean you will see

Best Way to Spend Tax Dollars?

Is this really the best way to spend our tax dollars?

Does the government really need to care which athletes used steroids?

Is this the job we voting them into office to do? It seems to me if they have this much time on their hands they don't have enough work to do. Maybe we should downsize them a bit?

I mean really, there is a war in Iraq, Contractors have fleeced the country, the economy is in a recession and the people who should be concerned with are...

A.) Not voting

B.) Gathering testimony on Roger Clemmons Use of Steroids


D.) All of the above.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Male Leg Warmers

I thought I understood the purpose of leg warmers. They seemed so practical. They seemed to scream, "I am a beautiful women, I have great legs and they look amazing in a skirt, but it is winter and it is so cold outside.
I know I can wrap warm cloth around my legs that I can easily remove when I am in doors and put on when I go outside." Best of both worlds...

Now I am a big fan of shorts, I have nice man legs and face a similar problem as a native of a cold climate...

Could leg warmers work for a man too? I know they look silly but I am kind of a function over form guy and can deal with the trade off if it allows me to wear shorts in the winter once and a while.

I guess there is only one was to find out. I put a pair of shorts on and some leggings and went to the gas station and grocery store...

I have been called a lot of names as a gadfly and social antagonist but nothing quite as vulgar and equal as the stares I received for this little stunt. I guess the world is just not ready to see my white thighs peaking out of a pair of leggings in the dead of winter.

After all this I saw a woman pass by me wearing leg warmers over jeans?!?!? It was then I realized I have no idea what leg warmers are for...

Pictures coming soon

Monday, February 04, 2008

You Are Human Inventory


The FBI wishes to track you by your genetic bar code.

It is what people never understood, no chip is needed to be implanted in your skin. No bar-code tattoo. You are the mark. You are the barcode. Every cell carries it. Every time you open your eyes they testify against you in a court of law.

You are a piece of inventory in the largest Wal-Mart on Earth, called America.

I am just waiting for the cattle ranchers and herders to start applying six sigma to this little manufactured version of evolutionary experiments call human life. How many defects with they allow in the next line?

PS... On a side note I wonder if Religious people find it interesting that their God was the one who created them and gave them their "mark of the beast" or why they are voting to back this bill allowing for this technology to be used in just the manner they claim their antichrist will use it. It is almost as if they are trying to usher in their own demise? WFT?

I guess it is one of the reasons I gave up trying to figure them out so long ago...

Got a light?

I know in my heart the only difference is the light. The more light the narrower the pupils. The less light the wider the pupils.

But for some reason I can't shake the fact that it makes a cat look evil or good.

Which cat below is evil? Which is good?

The light makes the difference in appearances.

I wonder if it is more then that though...

Am I different during the day then I am at night?

Does light or the absence of it make me good or evil?

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Creation vs. Imitation

Misplaced Correlation

Don't get me wrong guitar hero is a fantastically fun game. However there is a huge difference between a person who can copy and a person who can create.

This is also present at every Karaoke bar.

A person who can mimic the movements and melodies and the person who can create them in their mind and place them in the world are two opposite ends of the spectrum.

Just because you rock at playing Black Sabbath on Guitar Hero doesn't mean you are Ozzy Osborne...

Just think for as fried as he is, he is still the creator and you are his imitator.

What if you became the creator today?
What would you make?
What would give the world?

I would rather hear the awful song of a beginner, the beautiful sound of originality. Rather then the polished hissing of legions of copycats...

Friday, February 01, 2008

Announcing the Flaming Pile Awards

On the same level as the Razzies I have started my own award show program.

It's called the Flaming Pile Award. The award itself is a brown paper bag filled with tootsie rolls and flaming cheetos in resemblance of a flaming pile of dog shit. (I plan on bronzing it after I get enough sponsors) This award will be given to all of the flaming piles who make our life what it is....

The categories

Flaming Pile In the Service Industry
-Worst Service in a Restaurant
-Worst Service in a Bar
-Worst Cab Driver
-Worst Customer Service on the Phone
-Worst Customer Service in Person
-Worst Sales Person
-What am I missing?

Flaming Pile In Personal Life
-Biggest Jackass on the Road
-Biggest Asshole Customer
-Most Annoying Co-worker
-Biggest Loser Boy Friend\Husband
-Biggest Loser Girl Friend \Wife
-Worst Friend
-What else?

I would like to get a website running, take nominations and then film people getting the award and broadcast it on U-Tube.

Anyone want to be on the advisory panel or feel like making a website and history?

Anyone want to nominate someone? I know I could win a few of these from a few of you...