Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Holding a full Charge.

When I was younger I would take these epic walks some times up to twenty miles. They would last for whole days and well into the night. I would just put my headphones on and act like I was walking to the bus stop for school in the morning and just keep going. I was always amazed that no one ever asked where I was during these long durations but that was a minor side point to how refreshed I always felt after I returned home.

This was how I recharged backed then and it was wonderful. Over time how I did recharged began to evolve in order to fit into the schedule that I had. Instead of walking I would go into my room for an hour or two and put my headphones on and crank them as loud as I could and just dance until I was sweaty and had to shower. (Although this had several unintended consequences since anyone I know will tell you that I am fairly deaf.)

But as complications of life added, work, school, roommates, social events, family and rent became more demanding time and space for even this became less available. For a while I filled this void with drugs that work great when you are on the run. The feeling of getting high was great for a while. To have that moment when the past and future dissolve away into a magical moment of ecstasy in the present. The problem here is that you only feel relief but never relieved and often the feeling of fatigue that I was trying to escape would come back with a vengeance.

The last few years have been the hardest that I have ever faced in this life and I have seen some hard years. I feel this constant weariness that seems to have possessed me. I have been unable to exorcise it. I feel like a battery that is able to hold less and less of a charge until I am constantly blinking low...low ...low. I feel like a dashboard that has the light on for fuel with the next stop being 300 miles away. Like I am in the middle of a mosh pit that is 200 miles wide and everybody is pushing in on me and I am just struggling to breathe.

I feel like I need to take a walk....

A lot of people in my life take these walks personal, especially my family, as most of these walks take place over holidays when there is time off work. It is not a reflection on them it is just how I am build. Sometimes I just need a time charge. More time to process and renew then most people it seems....and as life goes on there seems to be less time for this...so began my desent into maddness.

6 comments:

Thomas said...

Sounds like your 'check engine light' is on. Therapy couldn't hurt in such circumstances. A medical professional could quite possibly give you some meds that will give you the kick you've been missing and I know from experience.

Brian in Mpls said...

Any reccomendations?

Mags said...

"I have been unable to exorcise it."

...I think it's time to look at your pants. (See above post)

In all seriousness though, I think Thomas is right. Go see someone about it, get a little help and pair that with your walks to clear your mind...

You'll get there.

Mwuah!

Thomas said...

Mags, you're too much (that pants comment).

I would just go to a regular therapist and explain the sitch. I was on Paxil myself. It took several weeks for it to take effect, but man, once it did, I was blazingly optimistic for months. I also took Trazodone to help me sleep. I didn't really believe that a medicine, a pill could improve my mood, but hot damn, it did. Exercise is great as well, but it isn't always enough.

the108 said...

I love therapy. It is so liberating to be able to say whatever the hell I want or need to say without judgement. I love to be analyzed so that is a plus, too. Dean's on Paxil. I was as a teenager but it made me a zombie. Now, I'm on Zoloft and seroquel and I like it because it makes me feel less panicked and conflicted. I'm still me, but I react to things in a better way for me, which is good.
Dean has social anxiety disorder and often feels like fleeing from group gatherings, too. Maybe this is what you are experiencing?

Megsta said...

Let's go walking sometime B!!!!